DM and small town gossip

[HeyMonkey]

Disclaimer: yes I'm sure when my mum is no longer here I would give anything to have her back waffling utter shite at me etc etc, before those posters jump on.

My DM has a heart of gold and is a thoroughly nice person. But Jesus Christ she talks complete shite at us for hours. Every anecdote:

A) She has told us before
B) Is about people we have never met.
C) Is completely inconsequential I.e is a story about a stranger who has a neighbor that has a niece who went to my school and is now working in the co-op where Woolworths used to be.

I just can't. She's a nice person, but WHY do I need to hear these Shakespearean monologues that have no point or ending.

My mother in law does this too!

We know all about the soaps, (Tracy Barlow, would be referred to as Our Tracy, and although I try to keep up, it’s hard when she doesn’t say if she’s from a soap, or an actual cousin) her neighbours, their children, allll about people we’ve never met. And a big thing she rang me up about recently, was that my husbands cousins wife leaves the house at 8am, and isn’t home until 5pm as she is RUN RAGGED at her (full time) job. I tried to explain that that’s normal, and her son (my dh) leaves at 6am and gets home after 7pm, but she just wouldn’t listen. In her head her son still does a paper round, even though he’s 52.

She also has huge fallings out with people over nothing.

The 'small world' theory - i get it, but why for the love of God wouldn't you be interested in your own close family's news if your own world was small?

I mean DM has these detailed stories about every other bloody tom dick and harry in the village so she must be able and willing to listen to someone otherwise she wouldn't be able to relay it all to me. What on earth does she say when folk ask her about her DD (me) and her GCs?! 'Cos she certainly wont have anything accurate to tell them - she doesn't listen to my news

Did she listen before to you?

My mum is the same. She never asks me how I am or what I’m up to. Instead it goes something like this:

“Oh I spoke to Mandy on Wednesday. Was it Wednesday? Maybe it was Tuesday. Oh no, it was Wednesday because I saw Linda on Tuesday. You know Linda’s daughter Rachel? She’s had a baby! I saw her the other day in Asda. Charlie, he’s called. Cute little thing”

Just a barrage of information about people I don’t know or care about.

This is so familiar and all of you have a fabulous way of writing about it.

My MIL is the same - the soaps, Mrs Smith down the road and her son (the architect who lives in Hong Kong, who is married to the lecturer of the best university in HK, and has two gifted little children, and is so busy and so important his company can't let him have more than a weekend off so he can't visit her, although he phones her every fortnight you know and he'd do just anything for his dear mother) and her daughter (the doctor, lovely girl. Then pointedly says to DH, she was about your age, you went to Mrs X's nursery don't you remember, never married, too busy). DH remembers daughter as being a very strange character) She never talks about anyone who is a regular employee. Its all status.

The other thing is she simply adores telling us as soon as we walk into the house is about everyone she knows or has heard of, who has a terminal illness. It can be someone from her club or it can be neighbour of the the man who cleaned her gutters. She doesn't care who it is as long as she can tell us in detail that 'they haven't long left'. It is so utterly depressing.

Do you really and are the unfortunate souls ‘riddled with it’ at all? DM makes serious illness sound like a case of woodworm.

I’m feeling so much less alone reading this thread!

Oh God! The guess who's dead game ....

I'm going to vent. It might be long.

You know it's coming - it begins before you've even got in the room and there's a special urgency. ''You know the woman who cleans for the vets receptionists sister's neighbor?'' (no, and i know you don't either, but there was no pause for my answer so on we go) ''WELL ......'' and the looooong tale in incredible detail about the illness before the final flourish - ''.... and she died !! ''. And the wait for your reaction. Which is a tricky thing to deliver.

I once (correctly) tried to preempt the long bit because i was trying to get out of the door (we live together) by saying ''Is she dead?''. DM faltered very slightly for a millionth of a second and then ploughed on anyway.

I can see that as you age you age and your own mortality looms large maybe your own and other random people's struggles do seem more important. It's not inevitable though. My MIL (70) and another more elderly relative who are riddled with quite life threatening health problems just do not initiate talk about their health or anyone else's. They gloss over it all when you ask them about themselves and turn the convo. back to you or to current affairs or whatever. Talk about medical stuff seems to actively repulse them.

@jennymanara - Did she listen before to you?

I've been thinking about this. When she was younger (she's 80 now) she would listen to an extent, but would still dismiss most of it with a 'never mind' or some other 'meh, can't be arsed with this sort of thing' dismissal. Fair enough. Horses for courses. But that doesn't explain why now she's old she happily absorbs so many details of stranger's lives and expects me to show interest while STILL not listening to my news :(

My dad used to do this, and he is dead now but it drove me potty.

With him, it was the level of unnecessary detail he would go into when recounting a story. It wouldn’t just be ‘oh, I saw Sarah Jones this morning, she’s expecting a baby in December.’ You would hear he was waiting for the 362 bus, oh no, maybe is was the 464, no, definitely the 362 because the 464 only runs on wednesdays and it was definitely Friday. Well, anyway, he got on the 362 and he sat near the front and then he got off and he went to the market and bought some apples and some toilet roll and some bathroom cleaner. And then ...

My dad has an oxford degree and he was a clever, wise man in my youth. I really don’t know where he went

I totally agree with the pp who suggested that it’s to avoid intimacy and talking about feelings, or personal stuff. I’ve never spoken to my mum about whether she is happy, or sad, or fulfilled or whatever. And she has never asked me. So I ask her random questions about random people, and she witters on about her neighbours etc. So we don’t have to talk about any of the big stuff.

I can see the logic in the avoid intimacy theory i think. But are we sure this thing is linked to old age or is it more to do with personality?

Would these people have ever in their life discussed feelings?

My mother was thoroughly unapproachable when it came to issues such as boys and boyfriends and puberty and contraception. I would have rather crawled over broken glass than gone to her with any intimate problems. She was incomplete denial about my development and carried on as if i was perpetually 10 years old. Much more concerned with what the neighbors would say about x y z.

I took myself off alone to the contraception clinic to get the pill as a 14 year old. To this day she has no idea and would probably actively disbelieve it if i was to tell her.

I guess I use the small talk as a way to spend time with my mum, without getting pissed off with her. If I talked to her about anything that I’m unhappy about - being overweight, crappy job, whatever - she’s either give me loads of unsolicited advice (which makes me feel worse) or be so determined not to acknowledge my pain (as it might dent her own ego) that we’d end up fighting. So the small talk keeps the surface communication going, which is better than nothing.

I now realise that this was the first sign of my DM's cancer. We would discuss anything and everything: cookery, DOS scripting, Hildegard of Bingen etc. Then she turned into a little old lady with a quarter mile horizon.

What’s sad is my DM can be a witty and interesting person to talk to about politics, the state of the nation etc, but when it comes to personal stuff it’s the stories about her past, Mrs Thingy’s sister’s budgie’s cousin twice removed and her apparently legion acquaintances called Maureen or Doreen.

Horehound No ability to think about real things Well, to our Mums they are real things, as it's their reality. It can also be that they find their lives dull and talk about others to try to have a point of conversation and something interesting to say.

I live in a different country to my Mum, so get this on the phone, but will be getting it in person this week when we pop back to the UK, and permanently from the autumn when we move home for good.

Do any of these people with the repetetive anecdotes work?

Because I, at 59, work two jobs. One of those jobs is insular, the other is very very social. My kids have yet to complain that I don't talk to them about the things that they are interested in/know about.

So maybe it is 'small world' syndrome, even among those who go out and about - they are only doing the things THEY are interested in and suppose that that's what everyone else does.

I think a big part of it with my DM is shrinking horizons. That said, when I was very much younger and yet to leave home, she loved the work trivia gossip I was at the time happy to relate to her. I think it was her own personal soap opera.

I also could never have discussed sex and relationships with her (still can’t, I’m 52!)

I get this from both my DM and MiL.

My MiL is quite hard of hearing, so I think it's a case of being easier to talk rather than to listen and try to get what's being said to her.

With my DM, the intimacy deflection is a perfect way to describe her behaviour. She has had a really tough time the last 2 years, and if you ask how she is she tends to just cry. However, will happily monologue about Sue from the village, who had that son, you know with the thing, had that accident that left him with a funny wotsit, you know, he has hair, you spoke to him once, you know, they used to live in that house with a door........ Noooo ....Mum I don't ......!

Is it a possibility that our Mothers have dealt with the life they have lived,just as we do:get some upbringing and information from their parents,learn a bit from peers,adapt some notions,don't test others,read a little,or a lot,interact a little,or a lot,gain some insight and all along cope as best they can?
Then they stop.Their energy and courage are used up.No more ability to take on fresh attitudes,like working daughters,divorces,medical advances,appalling politicians etc etc.The reservoir for coping and constantly adapting to a changing world and their own changing situation in it ,is empty.So they take refuge in the familiar,the banal,in cathartic conversations on someone else's cancer ?
They don't ask about our lives because they dare not,it's all too much to take in.It's outside their experience.
I once appalled myself when I answered my phone to a friend in front of my Mother.I heard how my voice changed and became cheerful and light.Not the dull way I had just been trying shut down the latest monologue.I was ashamed that this was a side she seldom saw.

A) She has told us before - because she has memory impairment, she cant remember she's told you before

B) Is about people we have never met - but they are people in her life, and as she probably isnt exactly getting out as much as she used to, and does have the same level of social interaction, you become the focus for her story telling.

C) Is completely inconsequential I.e is a story about a stranger who has a neighbor that has a niece who went to my school and is now working in the co-op where Woolworths used to be - because this is relevent in her much reduced world.

God forbid we should all get old, have a reduced social circle, or have degenerative memory function. I suppose we should just sit in a corner and fester, silently, when the time comes

@IAskTooManyQuestions

I can be totally accepting of A, B and C and sit for hours listening to all of them in a polite and interested way.

What I don’t get is that MIL wants my kids to sit in silent awe for hours and hours in end during these monologues and if one of them says anything (not interrupting or irrelevant-just little things going on in their lives that a grandparent would probably be interested in), she will look irritated and simply start another long story about Sue from the WI’s granddaughter’s problems with learning German at school, or about the dog that Terry next door in their old house used to have.

That’s just rude. She was like it 25 years ago when I first met her though.

She tells us about such minute details of everyone else’s lives that we have wondered if she does the same with us to other people.

I don’t think she can though? She doesn’t actually know anything about us really as she never stops talking about herself long enough to listen.

Is it an age thing? my mum complains that her older siblings do this to her (they all
live abroad in mums home country) but she’s started to regale their stories to me. I just tell her to stop.

My mil does this weird thing where she asks me questions, that I don’t know the answer too largely because I don’t care or don’t need to know the detail yet eg “what time does my mums flight land?” “have I seen what price the house is selling for up the road?” (why are so many old people obsessed with housing?!), “what time is the fair on the common starting”. I say no & she will reply with the answer, why ask me then!!!

Oh God this is all so incredibly familiar! And depressing!
My mother literally does not know how to have a conversation - to her it means waiting for a gap while the other person pauses for a breath and launching into a parallel, non-related story of her own. No matter what you might be talking about.

I told her about my very traumatic miscarriage and she immediately launched into a story about someone else's that she'd heard about. Yes I can see how she was trying to find common ground but in all honesty in that moment when I wanted her attention and yes, her sympathy, I quite simply didn't give a rats ass about anyone else's situation from several years ago.

She will always turn the conversation back to her. Every. Single. Time. and the conversations are largely medical updates now which is so very depressing - nothing life threatening just routine but must be repeated at least 10 times.

I really agree with the intimacy deflection theory - though interestingly she will go on and on about how she feels about various situations but zero awareness or appreciation that this same situation may also affect the person she is speaking at.

And I 100% agree with the drain V radiator analogy - this is my mother to a tee - she is an complete and utter drain, and has been her entire life. The glass is ALWAYS half empty. I think it's the negativity that is the hardest to deal with.

As for the shrinking world - don't know if that holds in my mothers case. She has lived in the same place her entire life, never, ever had any interest in other places. She has always been obsessed with discussing people of her small town, even as a child I remember the highlight of her week, every week, was to spend the afternoon with her mother and they would spend HOURS gossiping about their neighbours and townspeople.

Perhaps that was the pattern, she grew up with that. But so did I and I have NO INTEREST in gossip and actively hate it. I moved away at 18 and have never returned to live there. I now live in a city 3 hours away from my home town.

One of my biggest fears is ending up like her.

It sounds like some kind of cognitive damage caused by sheer boredom. If you’re not out living life and interacting with actual people do you just lose that ability to connect? It’s bloody depressing whatever it is, I see some of the women in my family going the same way.