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Original poster

Anyone else ever feel like this? Even the blinds make me miss my DM.

62 replies

DonPablo · 09/08/2019 18:58

My DM. Died 18 months ago. We were close and she was lived with us, from before she was ill. She was only 62 when she died.

We're making changes to the house and have been for the past year. Not big ones, just redecorating and stuff, but we've obviously 'gained' her rooms and that was hard.

But I had some blinds made for the kitchen with fabric we'd chosen together. She was going to make them for me. I've since had them made and they make me so dammed sad that she never got to see them. Or the kids doing their new stuff, or the fact that although I left my job to care for her, I have an amazing new job.

Its not so much me missing her, I do, a lot. Its the stuff she's missing out on and I have this weird thing where I want to keep a track of stuff. Like the fact she died in a world where she could go to Toys R Us. She loved looking for birthday presents and stuff in there (I hated it! She could spend hours in there!).

Does anyone else understand or do this? Thanks and Flowers because to, you must have lost someone you loved too.

OP posts:
Myfoolishboatisleaning · 09/08/2019 19:06

Yes. When my dad died the thing that made me most sad was that he never met my dog. He would have bloody loved him. It was long ago but somehow it brings me comfort now, when I think of the little things he would have loved (like the peanut cheeescke I just made!) It is like a part of him really is living on. I know that sounds trite, but these memories will one day become a comfort for you. 18 months is still really early.

Original poster
DonPablo · 09/08/2019 20:21

Thanks @Myfoolishboatisleaning it is early days you're right. Somedays I'm amazed at how OK I am. And then others, well, even the blinds make me sad. Today is one of those days.

OP posts:
Mac47 · 09/08/2019 20:28

All the time. I have so many occasions in a week where I think: she'd have loved this or she would have wanted to do that etc. I miss her so much. 12 years last month.

Mner2019 · 09/08/2019 20:32

My dad died 7 years ago now and I still think about him most days. He was one of these people who filled the room - such a loud bubbly person. He used to really do my head in though as well!

I have a book where I made notes etc of things I could remember, one liners, little anecdotes etc. I read bits of it to DS. They didn’t know each other - DS was a baby when he died. DS is such a character as well though... I think it helps him not being the only non-conformist!!!

If you can, write stuff down. It’s unbelievable how much gets forgotten and so quickly. I have dad’s shower gel as well for a quick snifter Grin.

MulticolourMophead · 09/08/2019 20:32

My mum died last year, and one of the things I have found hard is that she was the one person I could remember certain things with. There are memories of childhood cropping up on a couple of FB groups I'm on. DBro is just slightly too young to remember them, and Dad was away working at the time.

Twillow · 09/08/2019 20:34

Absolutely. Very similar scenario domestically. I feel disloyal changing things, even things I hated!! And very much miss discussing all kinds of things with her, asking her opinion, having a shoulder etc.

UsernameTaken76 · 09/08/2019 20:37

Yes my Mom died 17 months ago. It’ll be the smallest things that’ll make me cry. Today I heard a song that automatically made me think of her and had to hold it together walking through the train station

SirVixofVixHall · 09/08/2019 20:39

Yes. I know how you feel op. I lost both my parents in the last few years. My Dad was very musical and since he died whenever I am at a concert I feel a bit broken that he can’t hear it.
I also feel sad that they can’t see my daughters growing , my 14 year old daughter wore a dress of my Mum’s the other day, that my Mum wore In her twenties. She looked so lovely, but it was tinged with the pain that my Mum can’t see her.
In your case you have the added grief of losing your Mum so young. She really should have had more time with you, and it is totally understandable that there is a huge gap now where she should be.
I am very sorry that she is no longer with you. Flowers

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 09/08/2019 20:39

Yep, I totally identify with this. Things I know she would have loved or things that I have done that she would have been so happy about for me. I miss her loads.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 09/08/2019 20:40

I meant to add sorry for your loss Op Flowers

ParkheadParadise · 09/08/2019 20:42

Yes I understand.
My dd died nearly 4yrs ago, her room is still the same, DH is starting to suggest we decorate it I can't even thing about it.
My DM died 2yrs ago, it's actually their voices I miss. Just to be able to hear them.
Sometimes I forgot what they sound like Sad.

ssd · 09/08/2019 20:43

Thank you for this thread. I thought it was just me. No one else in my family mourns my mum. I mean my siblings. Anyway. We went away last night and there's no one to tell. I want to tell mum. She died 7 years ago. The grief and longing choke me sometimes. And you'd never know.

Csleeptime · 09/08/2019 20:46

Everyday OP. Hope the pain eases and turns to smiles of happy memories Flowers

BlueHawaii · 09/08/2019 20:46

I'm sorry for your loss. My mum died 18 months ago and had just turned 60. I feel the way you do a lot of the time. My kids are off to school in sept and I keep thinking about how she won't get to see them in uniform.
Everything has a bit of a sad tinge now. Hoping it will eventually stop! I totally get your feeling.

StarlightToCasualMoths · 09/08/2019 20:51

Sorry for your loss.

I can identify with this so much. My dad died many years ago but I often find myself thinking 'Dad would have loved this' or mourning the fact that my life has moved on and he isn't here to share it with me.

When we moved house I remember feeling incredibly sad that I was about to live in a building that he had never been into.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/08/2019 20:59

My brother died ten years ago only in his fifties. Lung cancer. I look at where he sat in our conservatory the day he was diagnosed (he was a bachelor and l'd gone with him that day) He was just so accepting of it, no why me etc. but he was obviously devastated. He picked our cat up and put her on his knee, she hated being handled but she snuggled down happily and then our rather unfriendly rescue dog who ignored everybody except us came over put his head on his lap. I can picture that scene clearly still, they're all gone now and still can cry over all three, and miss them all. I wish l could believe they're all together now.

ssd · 09/08/2019 21:02

Sorry for everyone's losses here Flowers

Bourbonbiccy · 09/08/2019 21:02

I really understand it, I lost my mum 17 months ago she was 64. She was my best friend. I think so so many times a day how my mum would laugh at something or just cant wait to tell her my 2 year old son had just done something.
It saddens me the world she will never experience as being a nana.

Hopefully things get easy as people keep saying, hold that in your thoughts💐💐

Dec2019mumtobe · 09/08/2019 21:04

It's all part of the grieving process.

Even ten years on, I get sad walking past the fishermen on the little lake near our house because I think about how my dad would have loved to go fishing there. I can imagine him and my mum coming up to stay. He'd go fishing with my DH and me and mum would hit the shops. And then we'd all go to my local pub which he'd love for various reasons too.

Also constantly sad that he'll never meet my DD, my DH etc etc

Especially sad he never met my DH because their interests are so similar. I can imagine them sat with a beer chatting.

Hugs xx

MrsMozartMkII · 09/08/2019 21:09

Yes.

We've finally done something we said we'd do for so many years, and neither my Mum or Dad will see it, neither will my sisters as their health is unlikely to allow it. One day they'll be gone as well and they won't have seen it. I try not to think about it.

Hugs to you lass.

NormaLouiseBates · 09/08/2019 21:10

My Dad died just over 6 months ago and it's the strangest things that set me off. When the weather started to warm up (he was ill, died and we had his funeral all in winter) it all just felt so wrong that the world was just carrying on, that even the seasons were changing and he wasn't here.

Mindblank · 09/08/2019 21:20

Yes. Yes, to so much of what you’ve all said. My mum died just before Christmas last year. I never could have imagined how utterly relentless grieving could be.

I saw a photo frame in the shops the other day that I knew she would have liked. I had my phone out to call her before I remembered that I couldn’t.

I don’t know why, but it’s the little things that hurt so much

Mner2019 · 09/08/2019 21:24

This poem has really helped me to process my grief. Hope it can help some of you as well.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 09/08/2019 21:24

I have lost my dad and recently my mum. It's the finality isn't it and the fact that when you see, or you think of something and you know they'd have liked it, or you want to share it with them for whatever reason, you have that realisation all over again, that you can't and you won't, ever again.

We have to teach ourselves to smile about them again, to think of warm memories and just keep the love alive even when we can't be in their company.

ssd · 09/08/2019 21:27

I find it's the little, insignificant things that hurt the most, more than birthdays or anniversaries. You're sort of prepared for them but smells, moments of remembrance, just floor you and stop you in your tracks.