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Original poster

Anyone else ever feel like this? Even the blinds make me miss my DM.

62 replies

DonPablo · 09/08/2019 18:58

My DM. Died 18 months ago. We were close and she was lived with us, from before she was ill. She was only 62 when she died.

We're making changes to the house and have been for the past year. Not big ones, just redecorating and stuff, but we've obviously 'gained' her rooms and that was hard.

But I had some blinds made for the kitchen with fabric we'd chosen together. She was going to make them for me. I've since had them made and they make me so dammed sad that she never got to see them. Or the kids doing their new stuff, or the fact that although I left my job to care for her, I have an amazing new job.

Its not so much me missing her, I do, a lot. Its the stuff she's missing out on and I have this weird thing where I want to keep a track of stuff. Like the fact she died in a world where she could go to Toys R Us. She loved looking for birthday presents and stuff in there (I hated it! She could spend hours in there!).

Does anyone else understand or do this? Thanks and because to, you must have lost someone you loved too.

OP posts:

Mner2019 · 09/08/2019 21:29

I slept through the first new yeas eve without him as I couldn't bare the year to change. We have moved city since he died and I thought I would find it easier here because he's not around every corner but like starlight instead I feel that twinge because he's not here to meet our dog, see our new house, watch our son grow... and remind me that it will be ok when I am panicking.

MitziK · 09/08/2019 21:33

I'm sad my brother has missed Avengers Endgame, Godzilla and all the other movies that are in the pipeline that I know he'd enjoy and I could have wibbled about them with him for hours. I'm sad he didn't get to meet DP, as I'm sure they would have got along brilliantly. And I'm most sad that he never got the chance to truly decide for himself what he wanted to do.

So your feelings seem perfectly normal to me.

redexpat · 09/08/2019 21:38

I havent felt like that about my DF but I would recommend the Griefcast podcast to everyone on here. Its Cariad Lloyd talking to other comedians about grief and it is interesting to hear other peoples stories. Its also very comforting.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 09/08/2019 21:52

I know how you feel OP

I watched a vlog today and her Dad was coming over and she made cheese and marmite paninis for them for lunch. I was hit with this massive wave of sadness, thinking how much I would love to have my Dad round for a cheese and marmite panini. It would have never occurred to me to make this, but my Dad would have loved it, he loved experimenting with food. I miss him so much.

PorridgeAgainAbney · 09/08/2019 22:01

My Dad died 12 months ago and I'm having a hard time with this at the moment too. DS was at the end of Reception year when he died and now he's about to start Y2 and it almost floors me to think about how DS has changed, what he's learned and that he is passionate about space and the natural world and my Dad will never know. I keep thinking I need to remember things and kind of store them up (to tell Dad) but then I get so fucking mad because I'm not storing them for anything, I can't ever tell him and he'll never know any of it. Conversely, I also find it really hard not knowing what's going on in his favoutite sports this year because they aren't ones I would follow.

I've never read a thread that has upset me so much but at the same time made me feel so comforted to feel un-alone and understood. to everyone for posting, for your hurt but also for helping me have a much needed snotty cry tonight. x

Mistlewoeandwhine · 09/08/2019 22:07

My granny died when I was 31. I’m 48 now. My parents were not kind to me so my granny was everything to me. I miss our conversations. I am sad that she didn’t meet my kids. I wish I could sit with her, drinking coffee, eating biscuits and just talking about everyday stuff. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away.

MrsGrindah · 09/08/2019 22:08

You are not alone OP. Lost both my parents within two years . The small things hurt just as much as the big things. Drinking from Mums mug. Using Dads favourite frying pan ( yes he had one!) . But every time I use them I see it as me saying a little hello to them.

Original poster

DonPablo · 09/08/2019 22:40

@PorridgeAgainAbney same age as my youngest, he was in reception and is now going to go into year 2, he's such a character and I don't know how much of her he will remember and that hurts too.

I also know how you feel about this thread being sad and comforting. I do feel way less out of the ordinary than I was thinking maybe I was, IYSWIM?

And @StarJumpsandaHalf yes, that's a huge part of it, the finality. I dream about her, she's there next to me and I'm asking everyone if she's real, if I can see her because I can touch her and it feels real, and I hug her and its wonderful and then I wake up and it's raw all over again.

And to everyone else, like @ssd and @ComeTheFuck0nBridget and @MitziK and everyone else, thanks for making me feel bit better and sorry for your losses and sadnesses too.

OP posts:

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/08/2019 00:28

My dad left us 19 years ago, and it still hurts. I've spent such a long time without him, but he's never truly gone away. He would have adored my DGS: it's his example I follow as to how to be a grandad. Wonderful man, kind, protective, and possessed of remarkable cunning.

ouchmyfanjo · 10/08/2019 08:33

Reading this I just want to say sorry to everyone for their loss.
Parkhead, I can't imagine the grief of losing your dd. Keep her room as it is for as long as you need.
My friend lost a sister when she was a child and the family kept the room for many years. to everyone.

PorridgeAgainAbney · 10/08/2019 11:30

DonPablo I know what you mean, sometimes I hesitate before asking DS a question about his Grandad or referencing an event we all shared in case he says he doesn’t remember. That would hurt although I know it’s not DS’s fault that he will inevitably be left with only fleeting memories.

It is comforting to know that you aren’t alone in your feelings, I feel today as though a weight has been lifted as my post was the first time I’ve talked about these specific feelings. It made me realise I need to open up a bit more in real life as I seem to have regressed into hibernation mode recently.

Disgace I am the same re passing on lots of my Dad’s values/passions to DS to keep his soul with us and almost to try to add meaning where there is none.

jobbymcginty · 10/08/2019 11:35

Hi I know exactly how you feel , my mum died almost a year ago now . My youngest son was only 18 months she never got to see him running about and what a character he is. She would of just adored him. Silly things like we've redone or garden she would of loves helping me with it .
My eldest had just started high school a week before she died she would of been so proud about he's getting on and love watching him play in the orchestra

NormaLouiseBates · 10/08/2019 11:54

@Mner2019 that's lovely. I'm now sobbing but it's okay, I know it will pass. Reminds me a little of this that I came across a couple of months ago.

Anyone else ever feel like this? Even the blinds make me miss my DM.

spiderlight · 10/08/2019 12:12

I understand. I lost my dad nearly eight months ago - I miss him terribly and we're all forever saying 'Oh, he'd have loved this'. Like @NormaLouiseBates I felt sad when the lovely spring weather started because we'd normally have taken him out to sit in the sun. There was a cherry tree at his nursing home and every spring he was there, we'd sit under it and DS would mess around in the falling blossom (we'd normally end up covered in it). The blossoms made me so sad this year :( We also finished a building project that he'd helped us to pay for and it was so bittersweet for DS when he moved into his lovely new big bedroom and couldn't go and tell my dad all about it. Our dog died a week after my dad's funeral, which would have broken his heart, but we adopted a new rescue dog three months later and like @Myfoolishboatisleaning I know my dad would have absolutely loved him. All I wanted to do the day we brought him home was to take him up and introduce them. I talk to our dog all the time about his 'Tadcu' that he never met. I actually had a dream last night about them together.

It's just so blooming hard when the world goes on without them :(

LBOCS2 · 10/08/2019 12:19

Oh yes. When DM died a few years ago, one of the things I found bizarre was that I was also sad she wouldn't see how Downton Abbey finished. It was one of the things we spoke about and I missed that.

DD1 sometimes says or does things that I know DM would have loved and it's bittersweet every time. She loves the theatre and music and I know DM would have taken her to musicals and really enjoyed that bond with her. DD1 was only 20mo when DM died so none of that was there, and now she's nearly 7 (and has a younger sister DM never met) and is a completely different person. I'm sad for my DC that they won't know her either.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 10/08/2019 12:26

It's coming up to a year since mum died. My house is becoming a shrine to her. I have house plants she propagated, garden plants from her garden, pictures from her walls, clothes, boots. I miss her, sometimes I cry, sometimes talk out loud to her. Sometimes I feel guilty if I'm fine and feel I should miss her more.

DH lost his brother last year too. He's the same. Every time he uses the kitchen knives from dbil and his leather sofa he thinks of him fondly.

Wonkybanana · 10/08/2019 13:56

I feel the same. there are too many things I've done and seen since my parents died (Mum 4 years, dad 2 years) where I've wished they could have done it too.

But it was even more odd when we had that very hot, record breaking day a couple of weeks ago. They both hated hot weather and would really have suffered even with a fan, and I actually thought 'at least they haven't got to deal with this'.

Enko · 10/08/2019 14:03

This morning I badly wanted to call my MIL just to update her on how the kids were following our move.. she died a year and a half ago.. my own mother passed 4 years ago but was not that Involved in our live so actually rare I want to talk to her.

LittleCandle · 10/08/2019 14:14

DM died 20 years ago this year. The week before the first anniversary of her death, which I kidded myself I was prepared for, I was at my choir practice. We were handed pieces of music to sing through, just randomly, instead of by our choir number. We sang through almost the whole piece and then, on the bottom line of the second last page, was my DM's handwriting. I knew this would be a possibility, as she had belonged to the same choir previously, but it was like a punch in the gut. I dropped the music and fled in tears.

After the initial shock, it was a comfort to see that little notation there (I'm sure it was about breathing) and I refused all offers to swap with someone else's copy of the music. But it was such a shock!

Original poster

DonPablo · 10/08/2019 14:37

I'm so glad I started this thread. Thank you all so much for helping. I'm so sorry for you all too.

OP posts:

Magissa · 10/08/2019 15:04

My dm died 19 years ago. I know she would have been so proud of my dc and their achievements and it makes me miss her so much because I can't share that with her. I have some scarves of hers that still smell of her perfume (L'air du temps) and sometimes I just inhale them to feel close to her. If I dream about her it feels so real then when I wake up I just miss her more. Much as I loved her I wish I had told her more and listened more to her stories because now I have so many questions. Sometimes I took her for granted but I think that's pretty normal with mum's and daughters. Some months after she died I was driving home from work-not thinking about her just listening to the radio. I glanced in my mirror and she was a passenger in the car behind me! For about 15 seconds I really thought it was her. My mind playing tricks on me thinking it was a mistake she isn't dead, oh thank goodness. I was transfixed on the mirror knowing that if he stopped looking my mum would be gone again. I still remember how it felt to kiss her cheek, kind of like muscle memory. I remember the feeling of her hand in mine walking to school so many years ago. I forget the most basic things sometimes but mum related memories are so vivid. Hugs to everyone who are missing someone x

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/08/2019 15:11

Not even my Dad but my Fil. He could be very annoying and goady and we clashed like hell but he came to live with us after a stroke and it was me he always cried for when he was frightened and confused

I feel like we just put aside our differences and genuinely loved each other in those last few months. I really miss him dropping in just to annoy me.

MrsGrindah · 10/08/2019 15:35

LittleCandle That must have been so hard. I have to steel myself to look at anything in my parents handwriting because it makes me think things like “ they touched this paper “ etc. so to come across it like that must have been a shock

IslandTulip · 10/08/2019 15:39

Dh died last year. I feel sad when I think of a new place he'd love to have gone but never will. I was in a supermarket today that he often used to pop to at the weekend and I kept thinking I was about to see him there!

Mner2019 · 10/08/2019 18:18

Norma it’s not an easy read but sobbing sometimes helps get it out. That poem has made me understand and deal with the waves when they come. Your meme is good too - it’s definitely a physical pain. I heard someone on the radio say that sometimes you never heal properly from a significant bereavement but we learn to live with our broken hearts. That resonated with me.

Seven yrs after dad died, sometimes i am subsumed by the more occasional, predictable waves but I am also now scared of them not coming at all... maybe because I don’t want to not miss him either...?

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