Packing children off to the GPs in the holidays

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Those of you who do this how do you feel about it? DH has just been planting seeds in my 5yo’s head about spending time on his own with my PIL during the holidays. Logically this seems like a good idea but I’ve had a bit of a visceral reaction and I’m not keen. I think the issues I have are as follows:

1. PIL are ok, but we’ve had a rocky relationship over the years. At times they have been downright horrid. I’m not going into details because I’m trying to move on. But nasty and personal to me (I haven’t always been easy with them either but I’ve never thrown the first stone).

1. They live ~100 miles away (it takes nearly 2.5 hours on bad roads).

1. He’s my PFB

1. Whilst they have a good relationship with my kids they seem to only have stamina for a couple of hours play and then need a nap. How is this realistic

1. DS isn’t a great sleeper though this would not be my problem. Other than if he was upset I would be sad for him

1. I don’t trust FIL’s driving ability or his car’s roadworthiness

1. I just really don’t like that we haven’t talked about it yet and DH is just casually having a chat with my DS about it before asking what I think.

1. DH has previously said he would never leave DC in my DP care. TBF I probably wouldn’t either (my DF has a hot temper which is scary to witness and is unreasonable about small children). I don’t consider his P to be more suitable. Different. But not more suitable.

They have looked after DC here whilst we have been working before but I’ve invariably had to cut my day short to come to the rescue. Or I come home and there is no dinner etc and everyone is too tired to sort anything out.

How does it work for you. I am being precious. But how much should I yield. Some of my reasons are unreasonable but some don’t feel that way

Have the PIL actually offered to have them stay? It sounds like they have found looking after them in the past a bit difficult.

My PIL are pretty uninvolved (their choice) in my kids lives (but live in the same town) so they would never offer! The most they do is pop over for tea and cake and watch the kids play together then say they are tired after an hour and go home to bed! No way could they handle having them to stay!

My kids (8,11 and 12) are currently at MILs for the week I’m Devon about 2.5 hours away
This is probably about the 4th year we have sent them down.
But we get on great with MIL, she runs a Playschool so is great with kids, and apart from one slightly extreme haircut I trust her with the kids completely.

Well, all of your reasons seem perfectly valid to me.

But the biggest issue is - where has the idea come from in the first place?

If your PIL have offered and are keen and up for it, that’s one thing.

Sounds more like it’s your partner’s fantasy about some child-free time to me!

I'd have no qualms packing my older 2 off with my inlaws (baby is disabled and she stays with me)

• my inlaws are fab
• they live close by (15 min walk)
• very involved with ours kids (MIL has them 3 days per week)
• kids see grandparents house as home from home

Although the longest I've ever left them is 3 nights when I was being induced with DC3.

In your situation, no way!!!

My parents look after my DCs every half term and a week in the summer holidays. They are tired at the end of the week but can cope for a week (they are mid 60s if that is relevant). They don’t do everything exactly as I would like it, but they are giving me free childcare and allowing me to work so I guess I overlook things like too much tv for my liking, for example. My dcs love their weeks as they get taken to do fun things and treated more than when they’re with us. I trust my parents completely to look after them and have their best interests at heart. DCs have also spent time on their own with PILs - it happens less often as they live further away so it is less convenient, but again, while they might not do everything 100% as I would do it, I trust them to look after my DCs. That’s how it works for us, but it sounds like you have different issues. I wouldn’t be bothered by the distance as that is about as far as my DPs are from us. I think the stamina issue is the only thing that would concern me - perhaps you could try less than a week to start of with and see how they do? Having said that, if you don’t need the childcare then I don’t think you should be pushing yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with - your DC can still develop a relationship with their grandparents if you’re there - they don’t need to be left on their own to do this.

Of your reasons, I would consider 7&8 to be a relationship-parenting issue that needs addressing.

I would consider 6 to be very worrying indeed and a potential dealbreaker.

I would consider 4 and the un-numbered but most worrying “had to come home from work to rescue them” things not to recommend it, but if DP and PIL thought it was a great idea now he’s a bit older and easier to manage I’d consider it but make clear any ‘rescuing’ would need to be DP on standby (including if DS was miserable and wanted to come home).

The others aren’t relevant.

My niece now 13 has been staying a week with grandma now 70 in the summer holidays since niece was little, it's about 3hrs from niece's parents.

She must like it enough to keep going back I think my mum needs a lie-down by the end of the week!

Niece had obviously visited grandma before along with her parents so she felt 'at home'. And if she'd been too homesick to stay, she'd have gone home early.

But my mum and niece's parents get on well enough, which isn't the situation you're describing...

My dd used to go to her nans for around 2 weeks in the school holiday. But I trust my mum 100%, she is a fairly young grandparent and I had none of the fears you had.

If you are in any doubt then don't do it.

I send mine 3000 miles to my parents who are healthy, fit, drive safely, have stamina, have a reasonable amount of patience, and I trust them. We've had some big fights in the past but things are resolved now.

I do not send them 3000 miles to my MIL because she has early dementia, is an unreliable driver, and I just don't think she'd cope. I used to send them there before the dementia kicked in.

I wouldn't send my children to your PILs from your description of them.

Mine used to stay with MIL for a few days every summer. It started when my eldest 2 were preschoolers, though then it was just one night and we lived round the corner. It progressed to 4 children, and the distance travelled was about 120 miles, 3-4 hours, because of bad traffic.

I didnt entirely like them going to Mil's though mainly for different reasons to you. I didn't like that she did nothing with the children, by which I mean they stayed at home all the time. Fine when they are 2 or 3. Not great when they are 10 or 11. Mil had her adult dd with her, so it wasn't a case of being a lone adult, she just didn't like to take them out, even to the park, and I found that frustrating. I also worried about her indoctrinating them with her unpleasant opinions, but i neednt have worried there as they thankfully all saw her for what she was,even quite young.

I do look back on those days with mixed feelings. I missed them a lot, but knew they had each other which was enough for them for the period of a few days. But I am also glad they had that time with their grandma. My parents also had them, before there were 4 children to have,and did fun things with them, but were much more authoritarian with them and the relationship seemed less warm than that which my MIL had with them. I think you do have to Let your in laws have a chance at a relationship with your ds, but only you can know if you trust them with him overnight.

My DS has been packed off for 5 weeks abroad to my in laws. He's at a local holiday club and having a ball

To be fair MIL is pretty good with him although I wouldn't leave him all day with her as she would be too tired hence why I paid for a local holiday club.

My DC have always spent time with their grandparents (my parents), since they were really little. They live an hour and a half away and tend to stay for two nights every 6 months or so, although it's got a bit more tricky since DC1 started at school.

I love it, the kids love it and my parents love it. They get knackered (they're both about 70) but they work as a team and know they can have a rest once the kids come home! I would be a little more nervous if it was M and FIL but for no reason other than they're not my mum and dad. They live too far away so the situation has never arisen (although I've hinted at a week over the summer holidays!)

Your situation is a bit different though due to your reasons above - you don't seem to trust them.

My MIL has my 2 now, they're aged 7 & 4. She lives 2 hours away and they are there for a week. She doesn't do everything the same as I would, but they love her and have fun and most importantly, I trust her even if things are different. I'm a stay at home mum so she doesn't have to have them for childcare reasons, she asks to have them. This is the 2nd time, the first was earlier this year.

I'd be happy with my parents having them, but we see one regularly and the other is in another country so it's a bit too far.

I suspect it has been suggested by MIL (we saw them yesterday so a seed will have been sewn). Part of the issue is a bit of a competitive tug of war with MIL - they’re Eastern and I’m not, she wants the big family unit with her as the matriarch (and ultimate decision maker and guru) and I want a smaller family unit and more independence. It causes friction. DH, like many second generation, is stuck somewhere in the middle, not wanting to cause upset but also wanting to do his own thing. They are the only thing we argue about, and I’m trying not to in general. I was a disappointing choice but I’m moving past that and the baggage that comes with.

They have a good relationship with my DC who are 5 and 3. They are loving with them. They are slightly ignorant of my wishes in general and I hate yielding to them. But I am trying.

They are mid 70s though so quite old to be looking after preschoolers (DC1 has just finished year R). Perhaps I will feel differently when they are bigger. Part of it is about control for me, and I do recognise that. Part of me is just not ready to send them away

You’re right. I don’t trust them and I don’t know why. Probably just because of past difficulties. Partly pride, and partly not feeling like one of them (there is a language barrier which I struggle with, I hate that they can cut me out by changing language). They wouldn’t do anything bad. They might do things differently. Maybe I’m just not ready for the DC to go away just yet.

It works well for lots of people (my DC are currently with my PILs), but if you don't like the idea of it then you don't have to do it OP.

Whilst they have a good relationship with my kids they seem to only have stamina for a couple of hours play and then need a nap. How is this realistic

^ this along with DC not being a good sleeper (meaning they will be more tired and have less stamina) plus the 2.5 hours drive if DC needed you would be a definate NO chance

DH has just been planting seeds in my 5yo’s head about spending time on his own with my PIL during the holidays.

Why is your DH planting seeds in your DC’s head without discussing this with you first? That’s really not on.

My DS1 used to go for a week to my grandparents an hour and a half away in his holidays from when he was 5 until he was around 8. He’s 11 now and doesn’t want to go, he would rather stay here with his friends nearby. At the time they were 70 and exhausted by the end of the day, but loved having him around and I trusted them. My son has fond memories of his holidays at the seaside with them and I’m glad he got to spend that time with his great grandparents.
I realise your situation is different so if your gut instinct is that you don’t want it to happen then the ball is 100% in your court.
I agree that many of your bad feelings about it stem from issues between you all as adults, rather than their care of your child, so I wonder whether you could compromise and try for a few days and see how he gets on?

@GCAcademic you’re right and that’s probably why I’m so annoyed at the idea. Tbf he probably didn’t raise it with me first because he knows that I’d just shut it down. He also won’t want to upset his DM. She has form for making him suffer (although I doubt he would see that).

Based on what you have said no I would not want them to go & stay. You have a lot of concerns & your children aren't old enough to call you and say grandads driving is scaring us. Not many 70 year olds have the energy to keep up with young children. My parents are in their 70s & DS has just spent 4 nights with them but he is a teen. They treat him to activities, play board games, he knows to be helpful & that there will be quiet times. He didn't stay more than one night until he was 8.

I think part of the trust thing is that I’m reasonably certain it could be a total failure but that I would still be told everyone had a wonderful time. I always felt that way when he was a baby - that they might not tell me if he’d just cried. They babysat once when kids were asleep and were very twitchy when one made a noise. We had to go back and check

We also have pretty good (paid for) childcare provision here. Think sports centres with good ofsted rated activity days. Swimming, sports and craft for the littlies, sailing and water sports from junior age

I don't think I would feel comfortable with that either - and I speak as someone who is packing their not-quite-4 year old off to the grandparents almost 3 hours away for five days this month. But it's about context and it doesn't sound as though it would be a happy experience all round.

My DS is very comfortable with my parents and very at home in their house. He's used to his grandparents looking after him and DGM is effectively his third person after me and DP. She might not do things exactly as I would, but that's not usually to DS's detriment and I absolutely trust her and DGD to care for him appropriately. He'll see other extended family and get taken out and generally indulged.

My late MIL, on the other hand - I might have left him with her while I popped to the shop and even then, I'd have walked fast.

I think they sound like they have struggled previously, which would make me reluctant to go ahead.

If you have good childcare locally, I would be more inclined to use that.