Packing children off to the GPs in the holidays

[Longqueue]

Those of you who do this how do you feel about it? DH has just been planting seeds in my 5yo’s head about spending time on his own with my PIL during the holidays. Logically this seems like a good idea but I’ve had a bit of a visceral reaction and I’m not keen. I think the issues I have are as follows:

1. PIL are ok, but we’ve had a rocky relationship over the years. At times they have been downright horrid. I’m not going into details because I’m trying to move on. But nasty and personal to me (I haven’t always been easy with them either but I’ve never thrown the first stone).

1. They live ~100 miles away (it takes nearly 2.5 hours on bad roads).

1. He’s my PFB

1. Whilst they have a good relationship with my kids they seem to only have stamina for a couple of hours play and then need a nap. How is this realistic

1. DS isn’t a great sleeper though this would not be my problem. Other than if he was upset I would be sad for him

1. I don’t trust FIL’s driving ability or his car’s roadworthiness

1. I just really don’t like that we haven’t talked about it yet and DH is just casually having a chat with my DS about it before asking what I think.

1. DH has previously said he would never leave DC in my DP care. TBF I probably wouldn’t either (my DF has a hot temper which is scary to witness and is unreasonable about small children). I don’t consider his P to be more suitable. Different. But not more suitable.

They have looked after DC here whilst we have been working before but I’ve invariably had to cut my day short to come to the rescue. Or I come home and there is no dinner etc and everyone is too tired to sort anything out.

How does it work for you. I am being precious. But how much should I yield. Some of my reasons are unreasonable but some don’t feel that way

PIL had our two DC for one to two nights for a couple of years when they were about nine or ten. They also took on my similarly aged nephews from time to time to help with school holiday childcare. Once, when the two favours coincided, they insisted they could cope. Whilst they sat with a flask in the car, my nephew fell, unsupervised, from a ropeswing in the park and broke both his wrists. This, alongside other minors 'accidents' which had occurred previously was enough to ensure they never had the DC again.
They meant well but no, they weren't up to it really.

For those of you happy with your own parents and less happy with your PIL and childcare is that just a familiarity thing do you think? For those of you happy with your PIL have you ever been uncomfortable with the idea? Or would you have left your newborn with them? (Disclosure: I didn’t leave my newborns with anyone, and they didn’t get left for any length of time until Nursery)

My 5 year old DD stays with my DM and her partner for the odd night every 8-10 weeks, normally for when we’ve got a Saturday night out planned, wedding etc. We don’t need her to do more than that as I’m a SAHM. But I’m not sure my DM could cope with more than that as finds it very tiring. They are in their mid to late 60s and only live 15min away.

In your position Op I’d maybe start off with just two nights away and see how that goes for you all(!) you could then gradually build up to longer the older he gets.

My dsis and I used to be sent 100 ish miles away for two weeks in the summer hols, to our gp who we barely knew. This was really the only time we visited, I remember not liking it, they weren't nice people. Don't send your child until he's old enough to ask himself if he can go.

I think it's wonderful if the grandparents are willing, trustworthy and able to cope. If you don't really trust them, that's a deal-breaker!

My issue is that I’m not sure how unreasonable I’m being in my lack of trust. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have trusted them to hold him and not drop him now I’d mostly trust them to look after the DC for a few hours. I’m not sure about overnight or outside of their home. Which would be pretty dull for everyone

My parents used to take my two on holiday and have them in half terms and for weekend s. 60miles away. But they were younger grandparents in Thier mid 50s when mine were born. My ex pil however never were allowed to look after kids without me. Fil was basically uninterested. Mil while a lovley woman was in her 60.s when they were born it was to much for her even for a few hours l could see that she didn't have the patience my parents had.plus she smoked in house and had a very grumpy 13 year old dog who hated everyone. I wouldn't have trusted her alone with them even at mine while they were young .They lived 10mins away so could see kids when ever they liked but only wa ted then alone at there's.

"My issue is that I’m not sure how unreasonable I’m being in my lack of trust"

Based on what you say in your OP, it sounds as though you have some very solid reasons for not trusting them!

5 and 3 are still very young for a whole week away if it's not necessary. Maybe try a night or two?
Mine are 10 & 8 and the most they've stayed away with in-laws is 3 days/2 nights last summer. In-laws are early 60s and still active and love the children and do a lot with them days out etc so they find it tiring. My oldest also has asd and adhd which can make things trickier too which is why 3 days is enough! My own mum is disabled and my dad works full time as well as caring for her so they are not able to be hands on grandparents unfortunately.

I wouldn't take mine to my PILs for a whole week as I think that would be a long time (for everyone concerned). How about just a couple of days? Eg all four of you drive there on Sat am, you and DH drive back on Sun eve, then on (say) Wed you drive and meet them halfway (so you don't have to drive 5 hours on any one day). Might be a good compromise?

How old are the grandparents. Only having stamina for two hours before needing a nap makes them sounds like they’re in their eighties.

Do you have any evidence that the car isn’t roadworthy and is badly driven or is it simply because they don’t have the same first language?

It sounds like your looking for problems instead of valuing the grandparents and supporting your child to build loving relationships with other adults. Trust is key to resilience in young people.

My older children did this when they were younger and had a great time. Neither does it with my youngest because I don't trust their driving, after that there is no discussion to be had.

@roses2 how old is your DS, what age did he start doing this, and is he completely fluent in the local language (if applicable)?

Having just spent a week with outlaws, they say they are keen to have my (5.5yo) DS for a week or so, but I have reservations, and am trying not to be PFB

In terms of parents vs MIL (there is no FIL), for us it's chalk and cheese. My DM was, in most ways, an excellent parent to us and is vastly experienced with small children, both professionally and personally. She is also broadly respectful of our wishes, even though she will point out that she did things differently, etc. But I trust her.

MIL had mobility issues so couldn't have been left with a toddler or baby. But even if she hadn't, I wouldn't have done it - she wasn't very nurturing as a mother to DP, not generally very child-focused and was very controlling - quite emotionally abusive in some ways. So not an even comparison at all.

@CherryPavlova thanks for that - I’m not racist the car question is something we talk about a lot. It spends a lot of time in the garage. The driving thing is that he’s just a bit erratic. I find it alarming. Though so far has managed to avoid accidents.

They’re mid 70s but FIL sleeps a lot (dozing in the chair). MIL is a little better but still gets worn out after a few hours. I worry that the reality of all night plus early morning might be too much.

And I’m really doing my best to foster my DC relationship with two people who really love them. Even if at times they’ve been pretty bloody awful to me

For those of you happy with your PIL have you ever been uncomfortable with the idea?

For me, I was only comfortable when ds turned 7, he was/is very mature and articulate for his age, and I felt more comfortable letting younger dd go because they were/are together. Also, they FaceTime every day and DS is allowed to text me off MILs phone.

Another thing is that all grandparents are only in their 50s, great grandparents are in their 70s and I wouldn't leave them alone because they are now not physically able to keep up with the DC. Also, I wouldn't let FIL have them longer then a few hours, for various reasons, so it does depend on the person and children I think.

We see far more of PIL than we do my own parents. Partly logistics (distance) and cost. And partly because I know that DH is very close to his parents and so I make that happen (family holidays, visiting them, having them here fo Christmas etc)

I'd die to have in laws or anyone help me and have my kids.mine live down the road see them sporadically and would never have them for longer than two nights.they are fit and healthy but hate me due to their witchy daughters and thus like to see me wing it on my own. Id never complain!

I down the road is a little different to being 2.5 hours away though

Sounds like they are keen but too old to be up for the rigours of looking after youngsters for extended periods of time. There’s a big difference between a couple of hours and a couple of days in sole charge. Perhaps you could send them AND their dad up for a couple of days (ie dad stays with them) and see how they get on, with dad as safety net! That should satisfy everyone. If he thinks they should stay with his parents alone you could go down the ‘its not fair on your elderly parents to dump our kids on them’ routine or the ‘it would be better when the kids are older and easier to control’ route. ie never gonna happen.

@Longqueue I know it's so hard,tbh I'm the one maintaining the relationship between them and my kids just cause I don't want kids to miss out, but it's got to the stage the kids ask why they can't stay longer why they don't phone,why they don't like you mummy. I think it's time to cut ties

PIL have our two overnight occasionally. They look absolutely knackered when we pick the kids up the next day! We went to a wedding and they had them for 2 nights and the kids got a bit homesick and were very pleased to see us. They see PIL every week and are totally comfortable with them but we'd never left them more than a night before so I think it might be something you have to increase gradually, I don't think you could just send him for a week straight off.

Mine did a week at my parents every year, they are grown so my mum wants my canine baby to stay instead... it depends on circumstances but my parents coped

I used to go and stay with my grandparents for a few days in the summer holidays. Despite being in their 70s and not particularly active/energetic I absolutely loved going there, so I don't think aging is a problem in that respect alone.

However, unsafe driving would be a complete no-no for me.

The distance wouldn't bother me that much. I've left DD (2) with my brother/SIL overnight a couple of times and been over 100 miles from her and recently left her (at my house) with my parents and I went away for 3 nights again over 100 miles away and felt ok about it.

Basically those practical issues on your list wouldn't bother me but any concerns about trust/safety have to be given due consideration and I don't think I could leave DD if I didn't have confidence in who was looking after her.

I think your DH is having himself on. His parents are not up to caring for children for extended periods and probably wouldn't want to. Not all GPs are itching to look after small children having done it with their own. I don't think they'll be offering so you probably don't need to worry about it.