Packing children off to the GPs in the holidays

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Those of you who do this how do you feel about it? DH has just been planting seeds in my 5yo’s head about spending time on his own with my PIL during the holidays. Logically this seems like a good idea but I’ve had a bit of a visceral reaction and I’m not keen. I think the issues I have are as follows:

1. PIL are ok, but we’ve had a rocky relationship over the years. At times they have been downright horrid. I’m not going into details because I’m trying to move on. But nasty and personal to me (I haven’t always been easy with them either but I’ve never thrown the first stone).

1. They live ~100 miles away (it takes nearly 2.5 hours on bad roads).

1. He’s my PFB

1. Whilst they have a good relationship with my kids they seem to only have stamina for a couple of hours play and then need a nap. How is this realistic

1. DS isn’t a great sleeper though this would not be my problem. Other than if he was upset I would be sad for him

1. I don’t trust FIL’s driving ability or his car’s roadworthiness

1. I just really don’t like that we haven’t talked about it yet and DH is just casually having a chat with my DS about it before asking what I think.

1. DH has previously said he would never leave DC in my DP care. TBF I probably wouldn’t either (my DF has a hot temper which is scary to witness and is unreasonable about small children). I don’t consider his P to be more suitable. Different. But not more suitable.

They have looked after DC here whilst we have been working before but I’ve invariably had to cut my day short to come to the rescue. Or I come home and there is no dinner etc and everyone is too tired to sort anything out.

How does it work for you. I am being precious. But how much should I yield. Some of my reasons are unreasonable but some don’t feel that way

DD won’t go to my mum’s so mum comes here. She goes to MIL’s ok so spends time there.

It depends whether you need them or not. We’d struggle with school holidays without family to help out. We have a good relationship though so that helps.

5 is a bit young and I think it would be better to do 1 night first as practice (for you and him). My PFB went for 3 nights aged 6 and then 6 nights aged 7. He begged to go and his grandma begged to have him...but no way would I have suggested it. I know how tiring it can be.

Thanks all - you’ve really helped me work through my feelings on this. Ultimately it’s not necessarily an issue leaving them in PIL care - they wouldn’t do anything bad to them, they would be fed and loved. There may be an issue around stamina. The issue there being the distance and my kids age. 2.5 hours away isn’t realistic for one night (a 5 hour round trip doesn’t actually constitute childcare). I think I’m going to have to push back and suggest more days here for now. We have the space. The children have toys. They can walk to the library etc...

My DM still works full time but she takes a week of annual leave in the summer holidays to help me with childcare (I'm a single working mum).

It is a completely different scenario though as she lives a 15 minute drive away, is 50 years old and fit and healthy.

It's a bit help for me as it saves money on holiday childcare and I trust my mum 100%.

Crikey...I could have written your post myself! Only I have also seen my FIL saying mean things about his other daughter in law to her children; criticising her decisions and also my MIL doing the same but to a lesser extent.

Mine have form for pushing back on my choices. FIL takes his eyes off them and gets them doing silly/forbidden things (two boys age 3 & 5) then wanders off.

I just couldnt trust them, even if they hadn't spent the past 8 years being rude to me and, once we became parents, for having tp work part time.

They have never offered to babysit though! And I highly doubt they'd offer to have them for a week. It'd be a no from me!

No for all your very valid reasons. It's all about trust when you hand your children over to someone else. Your instinct is telling you its not a goer and your DH needs a sharp word.

Plus 5 is too young on their own unless they're exceptionally close to GPs.

Err unless he discussed it at length with me first it would be a no from me....

I’ve had a lot of pressure from dh and my in laws to let the dc visit by themselves, stay over and holiday with them in another country.
They don’t see the dc very often (they live in a different country most of the year) but expect to have the same relationship that they had with older gc who they saw every week when they lived here permanently. They also feel entitled to an equal relationship with them as they have with my parents who see them weekly and help out.

It’s only now, at 10 that ds is confident about sleeping over with them. Dd9 is still prevaricating.

My list of reasons would have been very similar to yours op but with the benefit of hindsight, I realize that I was trying to reason out a solid gut instinct. My dc weren’t ready and it wasn’t fair on them.

I’ve facilitated their relationship with the dc as much as I can, but not by making my dc uncomfortable or frightened. And I had some safeguarding concerns so I’ve ensured that they see each other but while I’m there.

Looking back I’m glad I held my ground, and sorry I wasn’t a bit firmer. I worried about being fair, to the in-laws, to dh. I worried that I was favoring my mum in regards to the dc but she was dependable, did everything I asked regardless of her own opinions and experience (sleeping on backs, car seats), gave the dc medicine exactly as instructed and never gave them medicine without asking me first, put sunblock on them, and never encouraged them to lie to me or disobey me.

If you’re not comfortable or you feel your dc aren’t, just say no. 5 is still very little to be away from mum at night.

5 and 3? No too young sorry.

My parents live a 7 hour drive away and have a my kids for a week about 3 times a year for childcare during the holidays. We live rurally so there's no childcare we could pay for even if we wanted to. DHs family live here but the only ones who would be willing to help are too old to have the DC, which is why they go to my parents. It's not ideal but I couldn't work without them doing this for us. The DC absolutely love going as they see it as a holiday. Why don't you let them go once and see how it goes? Could you meet half way to make a shorter drive?

Mine are just turned 6 and nearly 8 and they've been going for about 2 years now.

@PamelaTodd - you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m trying to rationalise why I feel this way. But ultimately it’s ok that I feel this way and I’m not ready. Maybe we should push through with more childcare here for now