Overly controlling sister in law or caring sister in law?

[whoozyWa1999]

Hi

Would really appreciate any feedback on this issues looking from both perspectives. I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive or these alarm bells are ringing louder and louder.

Back in September when little one was born, my other half had agreed with his siter that she would look after our little one, one day a week when I returned to work. My little one hasnt been the most content baby and i thought it was wise to introduce little one to his aunty once a week 3 months before returning to work. Since this introduction its felt to me that she acts like our little one is her child and I've tried to shrug this off and at times tried to assert my feeling on to her as she dosnt listen to my advice. The following issues has arisen since sending our little for the day at aunties. 1st she began buying lots of clothes for him (not an issue per say) until I looked at his wardrobe and noted 95% of it was bought by her. The problem here was I was sending little one for the day in clothes not bought by her and extra packed in bag. Little one would return home in clothes she had bought and clothes in bag not touched. 2nd, she would not use the nappies I sent and use what she had bought. Then she bought a dummy just for her house. She bought bum cream and teething gel. Everytime I go with a bag of babys belongings she dosnt use a thing. She bought a teething ring, then a high chair. At this point I started to feel really undermined and approached partner with these issues who reassures me that shes just looking out for little one and it's her way of caring ? I told him I wasnt happy and that it needed to stop. Then the next bit, during weaning I sent over spoons that she could keep, she rejected these and said she had some, she bought cup, spoons etc. Then she tried to force me to use purred jarred foods and bought some to show me the contents ( fortunately I have really stood my ground with this and I send over all my own made food). She dosnt seem satisfied with this and has insisted that she can cook the same stuff as me and that I dont need to send him any food at all as she will look after this. (I refuse) now has bought little one a pram so we dont have to lug the pram about? It's only one day a week little one goes but I'm feeling like this is more controlling than caring. Little one now has own toothbrush in which I have said I will send over a spare, she refused, she refused anything I offer. Its putting a lot of strain on our relationship and I'm having second thoughts sending little to her because of her behaviour. Am I seeing this all wrong and shes coming from a good place and trying to take care of little one. Theres more to this but would appreciate any feedback

Thanks

My friend had this issue. It got to the point where auntie insisted on making birthday cake, having parties and even buying the big Christmas present. They are now very low contact. You need to be very firm or look elsewhere for childcare.

That's my worry, think she will go this far as this without a doubt and always makes it sound like shes doing it to help. She once offered to pick up little ones prescription from the chemist ? Obviously I said thank you but no thank you. The pram issue arose tonight as she telephoned partner to say she bought it so to make things easier? I never once said it was hard or a problem so it sounds likes it's coming from a good place but where are my feelings being taken into consideration here ? There not. Causes arguments with other half has he dosnt see the manipulation like I do. Its exhausting and disrespectful of me as the mother

I think she sounds lovely, she seems prepared and evidently is enjoying looking after your little one. You should be grateful for things she does, it means less for you to worry about. She hasn't done anything wrong, and your way of looking at it is ridiculous. No, she does not think it's her child, but it's her niece and I bet she loves her a lot.

But as always, I see so many women here who kick up a fuss over the stupidest things when they have children. So, if you're going to moan and seethe, stop taking advantage of the free childcare from your sister in law and go pay someone to look after your child. There's your problem solved.

Sister in law can put her kindness towards someone who deserves it and have a relationship with her niece outside of being her babysitter one day a week.

Nothing she has done is disrespectful to you as a mother, get a grip.

What @FifteenYemenRoadYemen said.

I have friends whose parents/relatives demand that they send with food/clothes/equipment and it's just another thing to juggle once back at work. Having support where you just have to drop baby and that's it is a god send. Your SIL sounds brilliant. She knows he is your baby and if she wants to pretend once a week whilst you're at work that he is hers, so what?! Lap up the support OP and be chuffed that she's so willing to do anything for him.

Yea got to admit you are lucky she cares so much . If anything I’d say just don’t take advantage and remind her that she doesn’t have to spend the money on your baby , and u can get the stuff she needs . If she still wants to that is up to her

If she refuses your stuff to the point you feel uncomfortable, it's not being nice, it's likely controlling.

Thank you to everyone's responce it's really helpful, but to put things into perspective, when I drop my little one off, she pulls out the dummy and gets her own bag full of nappies, and accessories and put the dummy she bought into little ones mouth? I have said profusely that little one will have own made food and send this every week however she still goes ahead and buys jars of puddings. We went to a family party and she bought fancy dress for little one in advance of the party so little one would wear it. Yes she sounds lovely but dosnt most manipulators start off like this. I am grateful of her looking after my child but I can also afford childcare with no issue so this is a choice not forced into but encouraged to develop relationships with family.

Pay for nursery. You don’t sound like you trust her at all and you’re suspicious of her motives so end the arrangement and she can be an auntie who you visit who has no responsibilities.

I agree @Anne loves Gilbert

She doesn't sound lovely. She sounds deeply frustrating and controlling.

I'd find alternative childcare ASAP.

She's not listening to you about your own child. You are your child's mother, this isn't on.

A childminder will have done lots of training in child development and it'll be a better environment for your child anyway than with someone playing these kinds of games. I wouldn't trust her one bit.

I can understand your issue with the food. So buy her the Annabelle karmel book and let her get on with it.

The rest of it is a non issue. Either stop over thinking it or put your baby into nursery.

Does his sister not work?

I can understand having extra things at her house if she is having him regularly, but disregarding your wishes, when not onerous, is not right.

Honestly I did all of this with all of my DNs. Reason being that if their parents forgot anything it was a pain in the ass to shop for stuff with a baby (especially as brother has form for deliberately ‘forgetting’ the pram as it’s too big. I had my own pram, nappy stock, toileteries, car seats, and then as they got older and started to wean I would make their food too. But I have always preferred home made baby food rather than shop bought (like they did) and so my siblings never had an issue with it. Not trying to defend her, have no idea what your sister in law’s motivations are, but I’m just giving you one side of the story. It’s not always a control thing - sometimes when you don’t have kids you just want to spoil your DNs.

@ladyGAgain, I have this book and its bloody time consuming. She has been trying for another child of her own for 4 years, so I do empathise with her, however I just can not shake the feelings it makes me feel. I'm the least controlling person ever, however I just wont be bullied into handing over my child one day a week to someone who leaves everything I bring at the front door and goes about her day with not one reminder that it's not her child. I have to prize my little out of her hands when she brings him back. Its crazymaking

You are her mum. She will never be her mum. She know that. You know that. The baby knows that.Everyone knows that. Dont be threatened that she is trying to take your place. She cant. Noone can.
She does sound ott. But I wouldnt stress over it. If you know she loves your baby and that your baby is well cared for there then dont stress the rest. Let her buy all the dummies and clothes she wants.....it will not make her you. Rise above. If you dont want her to wear the dress she bought to the family party just say factually "aww thanks its lovely. I already have an outfit planned for the party though". She wants to spend time and money with your baby. She cant take her from you are take your place. Dont worry about it.

Thanks everyone for responces. In hindsight the general rule of thumb for me is, the person taking care of your child should always run past parents any thoughts or ideas they have. This to me is how I gauge if someone is coming from a caring and supportive place. Unfortunately, this dosnt happen in this case and I guess this is why I asked you lovely people for your thoughts! My wishes are not respected and me as a mum is not taking into consideration. Think I will put little one into childcare for an extra day

Next time she replaces your dummy, or whatever, with hers, could you ask her why? Maybe you could tell her that you feel a bit uncomfortable about it? Her response could resolve this for you.

Another idea: could you make it a fortnightly arrangement instead? It could help to soften things.

God .

Why the hell would you put your child into childcare when someone who clearly adores your child and is family WANTS to do it one day a week !

I think you are the one being a bit controlling ( sorry OP ).

I would consider the best interests of the child , and with the best of intentions , for your child , the next best thing from being with mum is being with an adoring auntie , not someone whose sole intention is getting paid to look after your child .

Think about the child rather than your own insecurities. The child will eventually go to school and will eventually be spending a lot less time with Aunty .

I personally think those people berating you had never had to deal with someone like this.

I completely understand your position OP and nobody should ever make you feel uncomfortable as a parent. I 100% think she's being a bit weird and you need to trust your gut, especially as she's struggling for a child herself.

When my daughters started having children, I turned the guest room into a nursery. Bed, changing table, rocking chair, diaper genie, child proofing, etc. I stocked it with wipes, diapers, butt cream, talc, and all the other stuff babies need. I also bought several outfits in various sizes. And there were age-appropriate toys and books and a baby bouncer. I even got a car seat and had it installed.
My idea was that if at any time either of them wanted or needed my to babysit, they could just drop off that baby and go. No worries about packing a bag cause Nana had everything. I thought I was being helpful -- I didn't realize I was being Horrible.

She is pretending it's her baby.
Will she respect you as the mother or try to take over, who knows but she is overstepping her role as aunt

Sadly it seems like she is perhaps focusing her maternal feelings on your lo in the absence of not having been successful yet in having her own child yet. I suppose if she's tried to have a baby for 4 years, it could have gone the other way and she could have struggled been around your lo so it’s good that hasn't happened but I can see why this would bother you.

I do think you should tread carefully though because I suspect there are some deep feelings and emotions behind it from her perspective. I don't imagine she considers herself to be treading on any toes. Instead she's probably just doing all the the things she's itching to do for her own child. She may also be thinking about how she could use these things herself if / when she does have a child so she might not see it as wasteful to be doubling up on things?

Ultimately I think if you know she loves your lo and can be trusted, just to see how things play out. The novelty of looking after your lo will subside and once you’re used to being back at work and leaving your lo, you may find you feel more relaxed about certain things and that she becomes less intense.

When I had my first baby I had a rough time for lots of reasons. I was befriended by a local woman with 8 children who were 2 of her own and the rest either fostered or adopted. She would send her eldest early in the morning to get my baby and look after her for much of the day. She had everything, there was no need for me to send anything with her. That woman was amazing, she saved my sanity and was just so kind and caring.

Now I could have looked at it as controlling but it simply wasn't. It was the action of someone who adored children and had huge kindness and empathy for those around her.

Appreciate what you have for what it is. Your SiL obviously longs for a child and is projecting all her love onto yours. My only issue would be with the jars of food (I hate processed stuff) but other than that she is doing no harm and I bet your baby gets better care and attention than she would from any other childcare. Have a straight talk with her about the food and let the rest go and consider how you would feel if in her position.. and I don't mean that unkindly.

Hm - it’s clear you feel deeply about this one and are extremely sensitive about it which is understandable as it’s your baby and you’re heading back to work. However I do think you’re overreacting hugely and perhaps it comes from a place of insecurity in your part (how it comes across to me but I of course don’t know you).
Try to see this extra living person in your child’s life as a wonderful thing for your child - to have loving caregivers aside from you as they grow up is just lovely and no one can ever take your place as a mother so try not to worry about that. All of the things she is doing are from a loving place (and frankly if it were me I’d leap at this opportunity!). The one thing where I think you are justified in standing your ground is in what child eats - if you want child to eat your homemade food then that should happen (although if SIL does offer to cook the same thing then let her !)
Perhaps when you do actually go back to work you’ll have less time to obsess over the situation and become more grateful for this help!!
Sorry I don’t want to be harsh as I can see it means a lot to you but I also wanted to give an honest view since you asked.

I think it's normal for someone who regularly cares for a baby to have lots of baby equipment at their home so you don't have to lug everything to and fro. It does sound like she's gone a bit too far though.