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Original poster

Overly controlling sister in law or caring sister in law?

66 replies

whoozyWa1999 · 04/08/2019 21:19

Hi

Would really appreciate any feedback on this issues looking from both perspectives. I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive or these alarm bells are ringing louder and louder.

Back in September when little one was born, my other half had agreed with his siter that she would look after our little one, one day a week when I returned to work. My little one hasnt been the most content baby and i thought it was wise to introduce little one to his aunty once a week 3 months before returning to work. Since this introduction its felt to me that she acts like our little one is her child and I've tried to shrug this off and at times tried to assert my feeling on to her as she dosnt listen to my advice. The following issues has arisen since sending our little for the day at aunties. 1st she began buying lots of clothes for him (not an issue per say) until I looked at his wardrobe and noted 95% of it was bought by her. The problem here was I was sending little one for the day in clothes not bought by her and extra packed in bag. Little one would return home in clothes she had bought and clothes in bag not touched. 2nd, she would not use the nappies I sent and use what she had bought. Then she bought a dummy just for her house. She bought bum cream and teething gel. Everytime I go with a bag of babys belongings she dosnt use a thing. She bought a teething ring, then a high chair. At this point I started to feel really undermined and approached partner with these issues who reassures me that shes just looking out for little one and it's her way of caring ? I told him I wasnt happy and that it needed to stop. Then the next bit, during weaning I sent over spoons that she could keep, she rejected these and said she had some, she bought cup, spoons etc. Then she tried to force me to use purred jarred foods and bought some to show me the contents ( fortunately I have really stood my ground with this and I send over all my own made food). She dosnt seem satisfied with this and has insisted that she can cook the same stuff as me and that I dont need to send him any food at all as she will look after this. (I refuse) now has bought little one a pram so we dont have to lug the pram about? It's only one day a week little one goes but I'm feeling like this is more controlling than caring. Little one now has own toothbrush in which I have said I will send over a spare, she refused, she refused anything I offer. Its putting a lot of strain on our relationship and I'm having second thoughts sending little to her because of her behaviour. Am I seeing this all wrong and shes coming from a good place and trying to take care of little one. Theres more to this but would appreciate any feedback

Thanks

OP posts:
BarryMcguigan · 05/08/2019 10:43

I have a relative who looks after my LO once a week - they also bought a pram / high chair and all smaller bits too. I'm hugely grateful to the extent and expense they have gone to (I obviously offered to provide everything) my LOnis hugely comfortable at their house and my relative enjoys providing a home from home for LO. It isn't a competition and I'm glad for their help and the relationship they share

BarryMcguigan · 05/08/2019 10:44

I have a relative who looks after my LO once a week - they also bought a pram / high chair and all smaller bits too. I'm hugely grateful to the extent and expense they have gone to (I obviously offered to provide everything) my LOnis hugely comfortable at their house and my relative enjoys providing a home from home for LO. It isn't a competition and I'm glad for their help and the relationship they share

BarryMcguigan · 05/08/2019 10:44

I have a relative who looks after my LO once a week - they also bought a pram / high chair and all smaller bits too. I'm hugely grateful to the extent and expense they have gone to (I obviously offered to provide everything) my LOnis hugely comfortable at their house and my relative enjoys providing a home from home for LO. It isn't a competition and I'm glad for their help and the relationship they share

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BarryMcguigan · 05/08/2019 10:44

I have a relative who looks after my LO once a week - they also bought a pram / high chair and all smaller bits too. I'm hugely grateful to the extent and expense they have gone to (I obviously offered to provide everything) my LOnis hugely comfortable at their house and my relative enjoys providing a home from home for LO. It isn't a competition and I'm glad for their help and the relationship they share

BarryMcguigan · 05/08/2019 10:44

I have a relative who looks after my LO once a week - they also bought a pram / high chair and all smaller bits too. I'm hugely grateful to the extent and expense they have gone to (I obviously offered to provide everything) my LOnis hugely comfortable at their house and my relative enjoys providing a home from home for LO. It isn't a competition and I'm glad for their help and the relationship they share

Morgan12 · 05/08/2019 10:50

My DS stays with his auntie once a week and she has all this stuff aswell. I don't see an issue. It's great actually because I send him up with some PJs and job done.

QueenEnid · 05/08/2019 10:54

I think she sounds really nice and is simply wanting to make things easy for herself and to make your LO feel at home at her house!

Don't sweat the small stuff. She doesn't think your DC is hers! She is probably just enjoying spending time in their company!

Relax. There's plenty of things to get stressed over. This shouldn't be one of them

wheresmymojo · 05/08/2019 11:26

So I think she is being a little bit controlling.

However, personally I would just shrug my shoulders, think it was a bit weird but then completely enjoy the fact that it means I get one day a week where I don't have to make food/think about packing everything/etc.

As long as she's caring for your DC well then I can't see what the point is in getting worked up about it?

She won't ever be able to replace you. I went to family five days a week from 1 - 8 years old. Adored the person I stayed with but it doesn't impact on the love you have for your own Mum.

So yeah - shrug your shoulders at her weirdness, let it run off you like water on a duck's back and enjoy having good, free childcare once a week.

boosterrooster · 05/08/2019 13:28

I feel for you OP. It's a tough one. She's crossing a line and it's making you feel uncomfortable and you're then deemed controlling for not being ok with it.

Yes in theory she is being super caring and helpful and probably saving you a few quid but that doesn't mean she can step in and take over as mother for the day and disregard you and your ways.

I come from the same school of thought; if mother provides instructions on routine, food, clothes, buggy etc. then whomever is caring for the child should follow those instructions. Not because I am controlling or ungrateful for the help but because that is the child's routine/clothes/food etc. which is decided by the person responsible for them and the person who knows them best - their mother whom I respect. And because I have the child's interests at heart, not my own.

I took care of my DN's for years before I had my own DC and knew all of this without having to be told. My own DM the same, we were there to help, not take over, control or play Mum for the day and there were never ever any issues.

I had similar issues with my IL's but it was blatant need for dominance on their part. We had alot of the issues you described. And it was so frustrating. I was completely ignored even when it came to more important things like DC being allergic to cows milk and MIL ignoring me and giving cows milk, making DC sick. IL's knew best apparently and it really hurt to be made feel so irrelevant and then be treated as a nuisance when I tried to get my point across about the importance of routine and the foods DC ate etc.

Luckily our circumstances changed slightly and I had an opportunity to reduce the amount of time DC spent there and then gradually end the childcare arrangement - could you try the same?

I'd also worry that your DC is filling a void while she tries for a second child. And I'm not sure if that's healthy? As awful as that sounds as my heart breaks for anyone TTC

You've taken a hammering here with some of the comments from other posters. I wonder how many of them would be ok with another person wanting to take over and not understanding boundaries like this? Hmm

ohfourfoxache · 05/08/2019 13:35

You need to trust your gut feeling. If you’re more comfortable with your DS in nursery for an extra day then do it - at least you know your wishes will be respected

Original poster
whoozyWa1999 · 05/08/2019 13:59

Couldn't agree more with you booster rooster. It's about boundries and my are being tested regularly. I am a trained mental health nurse and let me put this out there - put my feelings aside and look at this from the perspective of my child. He arrives at aunties and all is comforts and things provided for him are then taken away and replaced with items of aunties choice. He will at some point start to think why are my things taken away and aunties things are more important. This is mixed signals given to the child. Everyone has there own way of bringing up children and again I will say I'm relaxed about this, however the is with sil. I dont try to project my feelings onto a chat board but it is my view you are reading therefore seeing only my presective. I haven't dripped fed I've tried not to elaborate to protect identity however I have felt the need to elaborate due to the responces.

OP posts:
fernsfordays · 05/08/2019 14:25

I honestly would just be grateful for her generosity.. don't see the issue.

boosterrooster · 05/08/2019 15:06

Well that’s it. Why confuse the child or disregard his wants or needs or preferences. It’s drilled into us how important consistency is. They are creatures of habit too, bless them. So it’s not ok for someone to interfere with that in any way, shape or form be it food, sleep, dummy, toys etc. I’m not ok with the whole mixed signals thing either and don’t care how young they are, it’s unnecessary especially when it's so easy to just stick to what the mother has instructed or provided. When DC showed a preference for his own things or the food that I made for him, he got the whole “oh you don’t like MY food/toys/buggy, you only like your Mummies” - guilt tripping a baby for God’s sake. That’s when I knew it was control/dominance in my case (that and countless other similar comments) Is Your SIL liable to behave the same way? Or would she (maturely) revert back to your food/toys etc. if your DC wasn’t interested in hers?

But playing devils advocate, just in case she does “mean well”..... re buying all of her own stuff - buggy etc. could it be because she hopes to use herself again? If she’s actively trying for a second baby, is she using this opportunity to get some practice in and/or as an excuse to buy some of the things she will hopefully need? But has gotten a bit carried away and forgotten about you and what you want? I’d be hoping it’s something innocent/unintentional like that. And if I thought it were, I’d let it all slide but would still be keen to at least reduce the amount of time DC spends with her.

I’ve always been a strong believer in always trusting your gut though...and despite what anyone says or thinks, it’s you that knows best - always!!

Whocansay · 05/08/2019 16:40

I wouldn't like this at all. You're the mother. SIL does not respect that. She is ignoring and undermining you. Find alternative childcare.

The food thing would give me the rage, but if she left my child to cry like that, she would not be left in charge of my child again.

Pinkprincess1978 · 05/08/2019 18:20

The only thing I really see a problem with is the food. So what if she buys duplicates of everything or use at her house? It will make things easier for you.

Pinkprincess1978 · 05/08/2019 18:20

The only thing I really see a problem with is the food. So what if she buys duplicates of everything or use at her house? It will make things easier for you.

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