Overly controlling sister in law or caring sister in law?

[whoozyWa1999]

Hi

Would really appreciate any feedback on this issues looking from both perspectives. I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive or these alarm bells are ringing louder and louder.

Back in September when little one was born, my other half had agreed with his siter that she would look after our little one, one day a week when I returned to work. My little one hasnt been the most content baby and i thought it was wise to introduce little one to his aunty once a week 3 months before returning to work. Since this introduction its felt to me that she acts like our little one is her child and I've tried to shrug this off and at times tried to assert my feeling on to her as she dosnt listen to my advice. The following issues has arisen since sending our little for the day at aunties. 1st she began buying lots of clothes for him (not an issue per say) until I looked at his wardrobe and noted 95% of it was bought by her. The problem here was I was sending little one for the day in clothes not bought by her and extra packed in bag. Little one would return home in clothes she had bought and clothes in bag not touched. 2nd, she would not use the nappies I sent and use what she had bought. Then she bought a dummy just for her house. She bought bum cream and teething gel. Everytime I go with a bag of babys belongings she dosnt use a thing. She bought a teething ring, then a high chair. At this point I started to feel really undermined and approached partner with these issues who reassures me that shes just looking out for little one and it's her way of caring ? I told him I wasnt happy and that it needed to stop. Then the next bit, during weaning I sent over spoons that she could keep, she rejected these and said she had some, she bought cup, spoons etc. Then she tried to force me to use purred jarred foods and bought some to show me the contents ( fortunately I have really stood my ground with this and I send over all my own made food). She dosnt seem satisfied with this and has insisted that she can cook the same stuff as me and that I dont need to send him any food at all as she will look after this. (I refuse) now has bought little one a pram so we dont have to lug the pram about? It's only one day a week little one goes but I'm feeling like this is more controlling than caring. Little one now has own toothbrush in which I have said I will send over a spare, she refused, she refused anything I offer. Its putting a lot of strain on our relationship and I'm having second thoughts sending little to her because of her behaviour. Am I seeing this all wrong and shes coming from a good place and trying to take care of little one. Theres more to this but would appreciate any feedback

Thanks

It's weird ! Does she want her own baby & cant have one ? Sounds like she's pretending it's her child while she has her

I think you need to be firm with her. All fine for her to have stuff at her house but tell her if she goes against your wishes again, you'll have to use a nursery

Thanks again for feedback.
I'm not insecure or controlling in anyway. I know myself well. Buying of baby items to help is great but not an issue in general. The reason I see this has controlling is that I send over spare everything to make life easier for both parties, however it is refused ? Why ? There my babies belongings so why refuse them? Why refuse to take from me a spare toothbrush? . It's very hard to articulate in black and white so readers you wont see the non verbal and body language I pick up. I dont have an issue with most things, however it's the way in which SIL makes me feel about everything surrounded by this issue

I think on 'paper' this sounds like a non issue of a caring Aunt trying to make your life easier.

But if your instincts are screaming something else then you should listen to them. I'm a big believer in paying heed to that little voice in your head.

If I were you I would challenge her on a few things, such as what's the reason for replacing your dummy with hers because I have to say, that does stand out as weird. I'd be polite but direct and then gauge it from there. Perhaps you could have a coffee with her and set up some ground rules.

The only thing I'd disagree with you on is your comment that childcarers should run all decisions by the parents. I have to say in reality this doesn't happen. Sure, for the big stuff like discipline, sleeping and feeding. But I don't think in the 14 years I've been a parent and the various childcare facilities I've used that that would be possible. There's always something that bugs you a bit about the way the childcare is done. You need to pick your battles and may need to relax a bit on your expectations.

Just to add, when I say relax your expectations, obviously that doesn't include putting up with crazy SIL of indeed that's what she is. Question and probe a bit, listen to your instincts and then decide if you need to look elsewhere for childcare.

So I’ve read this thread and personally it’s a bit of an awkward one isn’t it?

I think her having baby things is a bit of a non-issue but refusing to use anything you provide is weird. I’m assuming she’s brought lots of clothes which baby will grow out of so wants to use them and take photos?

The food aspect and purées, again slightly off to me that she’s arguing about food with you. I am not giving my baby dessert so would be irritated if others didn’t respect my wishes. Is she following the style of weaning that you want her to?

I think you need to have a proper discussion and lay out all the issues as this will affect your relationship. Either decide it’s causing too much friction and worry for you (makes going back to work hard) or accept it if she modifies some of her behaviour. But pick your battles, you can’t expect to control every decision she makes on baby’s behalf. You either trust her to keep baby safe or you don’t.

Good luck

He's her DN she likes spoiling him and buying things for him. I'd only be concerned if she rocked up at your door the remaining 6 days of the week and insisted on feeding and bathing him. Yes, it sounds like he's filling a gap in her trying for another baby but so what? It's not actually causing any physical or psychological harm to your child is it? You sound like you're not very keen to be away from your DS yourself which is understandable. I don't think it's fair to be fucked off with SIL for loving DN too much though. Surely it's better than having someone look after him through gritted teeth.

You also said it causes arguments with your DP as he doesn't see any of these issues. Plus he had agreed with SIL that she'd take on the 1 day a week childcare arrangement. Is this something you actually had a say in or was it all arranged around you? Do you dislike SIL?

I really dont want to put little one on childcare another day, however when I have been for visits they have respected everything I have said and my gut tells me that they will look after my child well and any issues that will inform me. I told SIL that little one can get himself very upset sometimes and that if little one is crying for long periods to let me know. It's only later I find little ones has been crying for 2 hours soild but she refused to tell me this until it slipped out by her husband. Other half informs me that she wont listen to me until he tells her that it's not acceptable ? Why ? So to put it clearly , yes on paper she seems perfect, caring , got it all together but behind the scenes shes doing exactly what she wants when she wants and refuses to listen to anything I'm saying. It can be confusing when you are being gas lighted to sound like mum is a bit crazy but I say this because im not in any way like this with any other family member, carer etc. She makes comments like 'we need to listen to what daddy says as what he says goes' indirectly suggesting my thoughts, feelings and suggestions are not important. I could talk forever about this subject but wanted to play devils advocate to see if theres anything about this whole issue I'm not viewing appropriately. I think I will take the advice and gentley question some of her behaviour such as dummy and refusing of items. The rest is down to the psychopathology of the SIL and I refuse to be made to feel like I'm the one who's controlling as others may see this. Thanks again guys

Bloody hell. God forbid someone trying to help and enjoy doing it. God forbid the baby having a very loving and close aunt another person to depend on. Those relationships are for the child - not you. Welcome them as long as it’s safe. I think you might be over thinking this brilliant little set up you have.

Your husband isn’t helping here either, her comments about only listening to daddy would have made me challenge her on the spot. Seriously, either speak up.

No, the childcare arrangements were made between partner and sister and I went along with this as I didn't see it an issue and thought it was a good suggestion. I have a reasonably good relationship with SIL until I started dropping child off. Then my thoughts and feelings around child has been generally ignored, minimised and not listened to. She has her own daughter and puts pink blankets on ds pram etc. I'm not fussed about this if it keeps baby warm but when I give her blue blankets and she refuses to take these then it is an issue. I dont think I've been totally clear in communicating this as the thread would be six pages long ha ha. Pink toothbrush but refuses to take the spare one I have? It's all very odd .

She lets your child cry for 2 hours solid or baby cries and she can't stop him from being upset?

I think she sounds perfectly nice and caring. It’s not me dealing with her though.
Most of it is a complete non issue imho. Her offering to collect a prescription sounds like she’s being helpful. I don’t understand your issue with it.
I have never had help with childcare really, certainly not a regular basis. I have always paid. When friends start trying to do childcare swaps etc, it’s not for me. I don’t like owing favours, paying for childcare makes things much more straightforward. If you’re unhappy you can speak up.

That's quite a drip feed OP.

The comment about only listening to your DP is the clincher for me. I'd challenge that for sure.

As an aside, you can just say DS instead of 'Little one' all the time . Up to you of course, but it's quicker to type and flows better.

Hadn’t read your last posts. Put your baby where they are happiest.

I would be frustrated she hadn't mentioned him crying for 2hrs but realistically what would you have done? You won't be able to leave work to collect him because he's crying. Regardless of if he's crying at SILs or nursery it'll be just the same. What are you doing with the time he's at SILs, are you sat worrying and looking at your phone, or making use of the free time? I'm surprised you suggested him going round hers 3mths ahead of you returning to work. It seems a bit excessive to get him settled if you're anxious about time apart at this stage. Plus you say you'll be fine with him being at nursery but he's not there yet so you don't know how it'll feel.

It does sound like she is pretending that this is her baby. I get having some of her own equipment and spares but the only using her own clothes and nappies is weird.

Yes kids benefit from relationships with extended family but the best ones are with those family members who have interesting lives of their own rather than needy ones. What's the dynamic like between DH and SIL in general, does he often feel he has to please her?

I think your over reacting. She obviously cares a lot and I'd have been so grateful for that! It means you don't have to worry about forgetting anything and your LO will be comfortable there.
You sound a tad controlling and jealous. Let her be an auntie, make it clear she doesn't need to spend money but be thankful!

OP,

Your instincts and feelings about who is with your child are always important... however, it is worth asking yourself whether your bad feelings are being worried for your child, or sensitivities sparked by your own feelings -for example, how hard it is to leave your child to go to work - how that already maybe makes you feel guilty and in need of reassurance that you are still the mum (giving you a strong need to know your presence stays with your child while you are gone, for example by using your dummy) ...I say this not from a place of judgement by the way, but as a working mum who has felt these things regularly! Some of the things she is doing (like getting a pram) must surely be truly helpful - and if they weren't sparking difficult feelings in you, you could enjoy and appreciate them.

I agree she is probably having a little bit of a fantasy about the baby and does not seem to be listening well. However, it doesn't sound to me like you have really sat down and talked. Yes, you have said you want a certain kind of food, but I think you need to express how all of this is making you feel, and how it is now at the point of threatening the arrangement you have. I suspect she would be astonished (and rightly devastated and hurt if you withdrew the arrangement without this proper talk). Probably best to set a time to do this when you are not with the baby, so neither of you are distracted or have that extra emotive 'pull' as you talk. If you know her normally to be someone capable of talking and self- reflecting, then there is a good chance this could sort things out - especially if you include in the talk your own self-reflection and your appreciation and acknowledgement for everything she is doing.

If she doesn't become more responsive to what you are needing after that, then I agree you have a problem! But I think it is worth a try to convert this very keen family member into the child carer you want.

Hope this helps. 😊

There’s nothing wrong with what your SIL is doing buying the spare things. But there’s also nothing wrong with you feeling off about it.
If this was me, and I was your SIL and I’d bought these things, and then you’d told me you were uncomfortable with it I’d take the hint and stop doing it.
You’re the baby’s mum and yes, she’s doing you a kindness looking after her but that doesn’t mean she can ignore your wishes, it’s still your baby. I just can’t imagine my SIL telling me not to do something in regards to her baby and me carrying on doing it. It’s like she’s testing the boundaries. And where does it stop? Buying food, spare clothes etc seems okay but buying a party dress/switching over dummies immediately? That would be setting off alarm bells for me. I would look for a nursery tbh.

Most of this is a complete non-issue. All the spare stuff at her house - logistically sensible.
The toothbrush refusal - storm in a teacup - why insist on another toothbrush for the sake of it?
Picking up a prescription? Of course. If if makes sense for her to do it, why not? My nanny picks up prescriptions when I’m at work or when it’s more convenient. To see it as sinister strikes me as odd.
The food - fair enough. My child does not drink juices and never had jars and I would be hacked off if nanny tried to feed her that but seeing as she offered to cook, why is that an issue now?

Bottom line is - you don't like your SIL. You don't trust her, feel undermined by her whatever she does and says. You don't like the way she looks after your child (the 2 he crying episode, clothes she buys, the lot). You're also troubled by how she prioritises your DP as primary decision making parent over you. You're in a dominance/power game with her. Unless you both have an adult to adult chat about boundaries (which would go both ways btw) I think you need to knock it on the head purely on the basis that this isn’t a healthy relationship between you two.

Most of this is a complete non-issue. All the spare stuff at her house - logistically sensible.
The toothbrush refusal - storm in a teacup - why insist on another toothbrush for the sake of it?
Picking up a prescription? Of course. If if makes sense for her to do it, why not? My nanny picks up prescriptions when I’m at work or when it’s more convenient. To see it as sinister strikes me as odd.
The food - fair enough. My child does not drink juices and never had jars and I would be hacked off if nanny tried to feed her that but seeing as she offered to cook, why is that an issue now?

Bottom line is - you don't like your SIL. You don't trust her, feel undermined by her whatever she does and says. You don't like the way she looks after your child (the 2 he crying episode, clothes she buys, the lot). You're also troubled by how she prioritises your DP as primary decision making parent over you. You're in a dominance/power game with her. Unless you both have an adult to adult chat about boundaries (which would go both ways btw) I think you need to knock it on the head purely on the basis that this isn’t a healthy relationship between you two.

OP, your instincts and feelings about who is with your child are always important. However, I wonder if some of your bad feelings are about sensitivities on your own behalf. For example, it can be very hard to leave your child to go to work. It may be giving you feelings of guilt and loss and you may be needing reassurance that you are still the mum (giving you a strong need to know your presence stays with your child while you are gone, for example be using your dummy). I say this not from a place of judgement by the way, but as a working mum who has felt these things regularly! Some of the things she is doing (like getting a pram) must surely be truly helpful, if you can decouple them from the difficult feelings you have about leaving your little one?

I agree your SIL is probably having a bit of a fantasy about the baby and does not seem to be listening well. Babies can have a powerfully magnetic force - not just for the mum! However, it doesn't sound like you have really sat down and talked. Yes, you have said you want a certain kind of food and addressed some of the 'symptoms' of the problem, but I think you need to express how all of this is making you feel and how it is now at the point of threatening the arrangement you have. I suspect she would be astonished at the effect she is having on you, and rightly devastated and hurt if you withdraw the arrangement without this proper talk.

Probably best to set a time to do this when you are not with the baby, so neither of you are distracted or have that extra emotive 'pull' as you talk. If you know her normally to be someone capable of talking and self-reflecting, then there is a good chance this could sort things out - especially if you include in the talk your own self-reflection and your appreciation and acknowledgment for everything she is doing.

If she doesn't become more responsive to what you are needing after that, then I agree you have a problem! But I think it is worth a try to convert this very keen family member into the child carer you want.

Hope this helps.

The comment about the "crazy" SIL putting pink instead of blue blankets is simply ridiculous. You sound very jealous and insecure OP and the drip feed is just getting worse with every time you post.
I think what you are feeling here,you are trying to project on us at the same time but you are getting mixed replies and you'd prefer for most posters to agree with you. Take everything on board OP from PPs, even the ones disagreeing with you and have a good think. I have been in your situation with my DDs nan when she was still a baby but in hindsight it was not done maliciously. Different people show their love in different ways. However I would suggest sit down and have a heart to heart chat with her. It's not fair on you to be this uncomfortable with a situation and having to put up with it. Really don't understand why she has to take out the dummy you put in his mouth and put her own though? Or buy the jar pots? Most of the things she does are really non issue but few of them do stand out as being quite silly so just open your heart to her and maybe you both will meet at a middle ground.

I have a relative who looks after my LO once a week - they also bought a pram / high chair and all smaller bits too. I'm hugely grateful to the extent and expense they have gone to (I obviously offered to provide everything) my LOnis hugely comfortable at their house and my relative enjoys providing a home from home for LO. It isn't a competition and I'm glad for their help and the relationship they share