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Original poster

Can I ask for a hand-hold ahead of an intervention this afternoon?

70 replies

SachaStark · 03/08/2019 14:22

Or maybe even some practical advice from those who’ve been there?

We have to have an intervention for my brother today. He’s been very ill with depression and BPD all this year. He’s stopped work, but is going out and we think taking drugs all the time. He’s gotten into a lot of debt, which we’ve just discovered this week.

I had to hold my mother together whilst she screamed and cried on the floor of my house this morning.

My extended family members are being very helpful. We are all meeting him at one person’s house this afternoon, and my cousin is bringing him there. He will have to move in with me and DH, as he can’t afford to pay rent anymore. We have to get him to tell us everything about the money so that we can put a plan in place. We are all so, so willing to help him, but we need to know the extent of the problems first.

Please can somebody reassure me that it gets better from here? Is there anything else I need to do?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 03/08/2019 14:24

I would be very, very wary of him moving in with you, OP. How would you get him to leave? Your marriage and family life will change so much if he's there.

HollowTalk · 03/08/2019 14:25

If he is taking drugs and not working, he will take every penny from your house to buy drugs. Honestly, you'd have to be mad to move him in.

Original poster

SachaStark · 03/08/2019 14:28

He absolutely has to move in with us, he can’t afford his rent any longer. Luckily, the rent is a spare room in a friend’s flat, so less formal than say, leaving a full tenancy.

OP posts:

SpankYouMuchly · 03/08/2019 14:29

I agree with HollowTalk. Make sure all your valuables are locked away. Do not leave him unsupervised in the house. He will have to feed the monster that is addiction. Is he in a treatment programme to come off drugs? Does he even want to come off drugs? He might be content with taking the drugs. You can't help him if he doesn't want to change. Be very cautious. Do you have dcs?

RamonaQuimbyAge8 · 03/08/2019 14:30

Wouldn't you be better off paying for residential rehab? The stories of friends with addict relatives are toe-curling. Think 'entire house stripped of literally everything while they were away one weekend.'

SpankYouMuchly · 03/08/2019 14:32

Also he needs medication from the doctor then he won't have to self medicate. Is he under the care of a mental health team?

Original poster

SachaStark · 03/08/2019 14:33

Sorry, I probably wasn’t clear enough in the OP, we only suspect that he has been taking drugs, we have no evidence. If he is, it’s likely recreational cocaine or marijuana. I’m with him most of the day at the moment anyway (I’m on school holidays) all through the week, and he has not taken drugs during the hours I have been with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

SachaStark · 03/08/2019 14:34

We just think that he might be when he’s out with his mates in the evenings.

OP posts:

confusedandemployed · 03/08/2019 14:35

I'm afraid I'm not sure that making him live with you will work any better than residential rehab will, unless he's ready to help himself. If his drug issues stem from his MH problems then he needs to engage with GP, mental health services etc - and I appreciate how crap these can be, I have experience. Doesn't change the fact that he needs to engage with them.

If he's now a fully fledged addict as well then I agree with PP, you really need to put a plan in place if you're even to consider having him move in with you.

Original poster

SachaStark · 03/08/2019 14:36

I don’t think I could ask for residential rehab when we don’t actually have any proof that he’s drug taking! This is more a situation of getting him to face his debt and depression/BPD problems than it is about the possibility of drugs. I probably shouldn’t have put that suspicion in the OP.

OP posts:

notaflyingmonkey · 03/08/2019 14:36

My advice FWIW is be aware that he will probably lie. All the time. He may not even realise he is, so take everything with a pinch of salt. So think about getting him to agree boundaries for living with you, like no drugs in the house.

And you have to put boundaries in place for yourself eg not taking on his debts for him, but helping him work out a repayment programme etc.

He needs to want to get better before he can though.

charlotte2029 · 03/08/2019 14:37

I speak from experience.. Even if he's with you all day if he's an addict he will find a way to take drugs. Good luck this afternoon.

WindowsSmindows · 03/08/2019 14:38

Give him very fixed limited options.
If you go to the psychiatrist you can move in to my house.
If you are fully compliant with your medication every day for 13 weeks you can stay for the following 12 weeks.

Original poster

SachaStark · 03/08/2019 14:38

I have no proof that he’s drug taking at all, let alone being a full-fledged addict. Like I said, I’ve been by his side for more than 50 hours this week alone, and he hasn’t used drugs at all. I’ve never seen him even have a cigarette. We just assume he might be when he’s on a night out.

OP posts:

Original poster

SachaStark · 03/08/2019 14:41

Thank you @notaflyingmonkey and @WindowsSmindows, I reckon that’s a good idea to have a fixed set of rules in place when he moves in.

I think that he needs to get back into a proper routine again, also.

OP posts:

SpankYouMuchly · 03/08/2019 14:41

Don't down play his drug use. Having BPD that is not medicated means he's going to be drawn to illegal drugs to self medicate, more than someone who doesn't have a mental illness. Treat the BPD first. Is he having treatment for it? All these problems he has is probably down to being mentally ill .
Is BPD bi polar disorder? I guessed it was . If it's Borderline Personality Disorder, that isn't an illness it's a condition that needs different treatment.

HollowTalk · 03/08/2019 14:41

But in September you'll be back in work, won't you?

KissMeBunty · 03/08/2019 14:42

God you poor thing. I have been in a similar situation with a sibling and it's horrible. Please, please be careful. You have to FORCE yourself to put your own self and family (DH and kids) first. It'll feel horrible and cruel, but this situation could wreck your life, and it's all just collateral damage to your DBro.
I have had to learn that although I love my sibling dearly, I don't like who she is, and I hate the selfishness and dishonesty that is such a big part of who she is right now.

You cannot save another person. It isn't possible. Please, please look after yourself.

Soola · 03/08/2019 14:43

How do you feel about him having his chums round when you’re out?

Your brother might let in all sorts of riff raff.

KissMeBunty · 03/08/2019 14:44

Just to add, my DSis drinks far too much- no drugs AFAIK but it wouldn't surprise me. However, her drinking, possibly like your brother's drugtaking, is just another symptom. I've had to stop making excuses for her now- It's the kindest thing I can do for her.

Original poster

SachaStark · 03/08/2019 14:46

Yes, he’s being treated for depression and BPD through the GP (medicated), and has counselling, also.

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 03/08/2019 14:47

How old are your kids?

Why can’t he live with your Mum?

Or staybwhere he is, he should be able to afford that in a low wage or benefits and he might respect his mates stuff more than his family

Original poster

SachaStark · 03/08/2019 14:49

I don’t have any kids.

He can’t live with my mum because my dad “doesn’t believe that mental health exists”, so it would just make things worse, not better.

He doesn’t have a wage at all at the moment, he’s left his job due to not being able to cope (he was in a very high pressure career).

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 03/08/2019 14:53

Good luck with this meet up. Its so good that you are having this,and trying to sort out things for your Brother. I hope that he can manage to respond well to you all, and therefore,hopefully have a better lifestyle in the future. Its good that you are all there to help him.

supersop60 · 03/08/2019 14:54

I would say that he couldn't live with your mum anyway, if she's lying on the floor hysterical. Is there a family history of mental health problems?
And well done, by the way, for taking him in - it's not going to be easy.

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