Can I ask for a hand-hold ahead of an intervention this afternoon?

[SachaStark]

Or maybe even some practical advice from those who’ve been there?

We have to have an intervention for my brother today. He’s been very ill with depression and BPD all this year. He’s stopped work, but is going out and we think taking drugs all the time. He’s gotten into a lot of debt, which we’ve just discovered this week.

I had to hold my mother together whilst she screamed and cried on the floor of my house this morning.

My extended family members are being very helpful. We are all meeting him at one person’s house this afternoon, and my cousin is bringing him there. He will have to move in with me and DH, as he can’t afford to pay rent anymore. We have to get him to tell us everything about the money so that we can put a plan in place. We are all so, so willing to help him, but we need to know the extent of the problems first.

Please can somebody reassure me that it gets better from here? Is there anything else I need to do?

I don't have any advice but I really hope the intervention goes as well as it can do and that your brother can start the road to recovery.

It always baffles how Mumsnet is so against helping people in this way. He's family. Of course, you do everything you can do.

Good luck

What is the anecdotal evidence that 'interventions' work?

Because surely if the person doesn't (or can't) see any need to change, then they won't. They may pay lip service to changing, in order to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, but I always thought that someone needed to reach rock bottom (their rock bottom, not everyone else thinking it was the bottom for them) and decide that things need to change, before giving up behaviours that were damaging?

If it's Borderline Personality Disorder, that isn't an illness it's a condition that needs different treatment.

Please ignore the above bullshit. BPD is an illness the same as any other mental health issue. Please don't think he's a bad person for it either. We're not all bad people. You're doing amazingly to be reaching out to your brother like this and I genuinely wish someone in my life had done the same for me.

I had to hold my mother together whilst she screamed and cried on the floor of my house this morning.

Well this is dysfunctional. My own brother has been through similar and our Mother would not DREAM of being this self indulgent.

It's her CHILD with the problem yet she acts like that? Look closely at your family dynamic and seek counselling.

Good luck to you, from a friends experience it will be very hard for the family.

It feels to me as if a number of people here are writing from experience when they advise against taking your brother into your home.

I wonder what the expectation is for this intervention and whose needs it will serve.

Is there no offer of family therapy?

Good luck op, that’s an awesome thing you are doing.

Sorry I don’t have any advice, but be kind to yourself during all of this, as sometimes you can be left ragged looking after others.

I've been down pretty much this exact road and got the t-shirt. Like other posters having my time again or if another situation cropped up I wouldn't move them in even for a million pounds.
Really have a good think if you definetly want to move him in.
A large amount of family are collectively down tens of thousands of pounds, as everyone was took in at one point with the sob stories or promises of getting better, years later nothing has changed he's still unemployed and only goes out/moves out of his pit to buy drugs.

You're a good person. He's lucky to have you. Kudos to your husband as well. Any drug use can be catastrophic in combination with depression. If he can understand that, if he's not physically addicted, that may help. Alcohol especially is terrible for depression. Someone told me once "you can't drink to make yourself happy. You have to be happy to start if you want drinking to enhance your happiness. " Come to think of it, however they said it sounded better lol, but you get yhe gist of it. You may not be able to fix his problems, but you never know if you don't try. You may just be the thing he needs. Good luck

I'm really sorry, but IME, 'interventions' do not work. The person has to want to help him or herself. I think you're making a big mistake here. Also, he cannot be forced to do anything, like move in with you, engage with a psychiatrist, etc unless he's sectioned and even then, he has rights. He's an adult. You don't have evidence he's taking drugs. But honestly, you're onto, at the very least, a hiding to nothing and, if he is using, getting cleaned out when he flogs your stuff for drugs.

I know it’s unlikely he would agree but if there is anyway you can get him to agree to a drug test then that might be useful for you especially as he will be living in your house. There are cheap tests on Amazon.

The recreational drug taking you have described hardly warrants an intervention, and definitely doesn't warrant accusations of theft. Dh was a drug addict and knows many an addict who would never steal from people. Many would but many wouldn't. Also agree that if he wants to, he will find a way to take drugs whether you're at his side or not.
His mental health may warrant help, but I would be fuming if my family got this involved in my life. I think you may be creating more problems than helping op. Just be wary he may not want your help.

Your mothers behaviour is not normal. Do your parents have a history of guilt tripping you into parenting them and your brother?

I think that for your sake you should say no and go very low contact with all of them.

@SachaStark my neighbour has been taken into care (MH hospital) twice over the last 15 years (second time was Easter and I saw it all unfold with police, MH team and ambulance crew) as he suffers BPD too - his wife moved out temporarily and his adult sons organised the intervention with the MH team and police. They took care of it all and held him in hospital for 6 weeks.
He’s medicated now and seems well.
Is this not something you could ask MH team to do instead of family.
In my own experience, you tend to reach out and ‘tell all’ to strangers rather than your nearest and dearest, as the guilt can be hugely damaging. Good luck.

I really feel for you but there is no way I would let someone who is taking drugs into my house.

I’m not sure about interventions, I’d be wary about involving your mum in one if she’s been hysterical. Whatever conversation you have with brother needs to be calm, collected. Perhaps write a letter setting out your concerns before jumping into a group intervention type thing - if he’s on a depressive bi polar period being thrown in front of a group of his family telling him where he’s going wrong is unlikely to be helpful. There is a real risk of alienating him, he might literally do a runner. If your adamant he will live with you then strict house rules required but ultimately he’s an adult. You could ask if oh could attend his next GP appt to discuss his meds, again though you can’t make him go/get supporf/engage etc. Good luck.

Make sure your home insurance is up to date in case of theft or damage.

He may not screw you over but his acquaintance’s might if you have stuff that can be sold in order to buy drugs.

*you not OH

I wish you the best of luck, but be aware that it's advised that interventions be done with a professional present to guide the process. They can work, but very rarely do when it's just friends and family.

Remember that you cannot make this man do anything. If he refuses, you must let him go even if it means he will be homeless, unless he's ill enough to merit sectioning.

Is he gambling perhaps rather than drug taking? You say you have no evidence of drugs. He could easily have gambled on his phone in your prescence.

this could have been my partner talking many years ago, and it was his sister who was hitting mania
can you confirm is it Bipolar or Borderline personality, as thats two very different things
either ways you are not trained professionals.
my partners sister ended up causing a whole heap of problems and needing to be sectioned. Thats a whole other story, but similarly resulted in him having to do it, having to call the police, having to try to restrain her, having parents who expected him to solve it and the dad not engaged at all.
Its affected him for years.

ReapersHowler, what I meant was it's a personality disorder not an illness like depression. That like autism, a personality disorder affects the way you process information about the world and is your character, not your character with an illness like schizophrenia on top of that. It's how the brain is structured. I have no judgement on personality disorders as it's just the way you are made, but fundamentally a personality disorder needs different treatment to bipolar disorder. To be honest I think all aspects of mental health have stigma attached to them by society. My dcs have autism and if I tell people I can see them wanting to tell me that they are sorry. I'm not sorry so why should they be? I'm autistic, which is probably why I didn't explain properly. Also my neighbour had untreated borderline personality disorder. She ended up very ill. I can't go into details but it was such a bad time for her, that if someone close to her could have been like the op and got the right help, she wouldn't have lost custody of her son.
So I'm sorry I explained it badly. Personality disorder and autistic brains are neurodiverse and need treating differently to a neurotypical brained person.

I don’t want to jump on the bandwagon re drugs, but, if he has been hiding his debt I’m sure that drinking and drugs ( whatever and how much) are part of the equation.
I believe what people are saying is this:
You are a wonderful person to do this, under these circumstances, for your brother. Please go into this with your eyes open and accept all the ‘help’ you can get. It’s important to protect yourself and your family as things will definitely get harder before they get better. I am truly sorry that your dad has abdicated his responsibilities.
I wish you all well, and that your brother finds a path back to himself.
Good luck

Interventions do not work. If anything, they make things worse, not better, as the person who is the target of them feels bullied and threatened rather than understood and loved.

If your brother has a drug problem, all the interventions in the world are not going to help him. The only way for him to get better is for him to recognise that he needs help, and to make the decision for himself, because the work that's required needs the motivation that only the addict can provide.

If he's depressed then an intervention is likely to make him worse, not better. If he's got BPD then the only way forward for him is proper therapeutic counselling, carried out by an appropriately qualified and experienced counsellor--but again, he's going to have to be the one to say he wants to take this route.

I'm sorry, OP, but your plan has disaster written all over it.

For the little that I understand of it, BPD and bipolar after often mixed up in terms of diagnosis and how they present. And whilst bipolar can be medicated to some extent, BPD can't. It's also very possible that untreated MH issues can appear as if they are using drugs, or the person can be using drugs to self medicate. The first step - and the hardest - will be to get his MH sorted. I say hardest, because it is a postcode lottery as to whether you will actually be able to access any help. However, you need to be persistent and start with the GP and see what avenues they can open up.

Good luck.