I OWE MY MOTHER
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me religion
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet
My mother taught me about time travel.
"If you don't pack it in, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
My mother taught me logic
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more logic
"If you fall and break your neck, don't run crying to me."
My Mother taught me foresight.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me irony.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about contortionism.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about stamina.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone"
My mother taught me about weather.
"This room looks like a hurricane hit it."
My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the circle of life.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"
My mother taught me about behaviour modification.
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about envy.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have a mother like you do."
My mother taught me about anticipation.
"Just you wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about receiving.
"You are going to get it when we get home."
My mother taught me medical science.
"If you carry on pulling that face, you'll get stuck like that."
My mother taught me mind reading.
"Put a jumper on, you're cold."
My mother taught me humour.
"When you break your leg, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to become an adult.
"If you don't eat your veg, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me genetics.
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my roots.
"Shut that door behind you, you weren't born in a barn."
My mother taught me wisdom.
"When you're a parent yourself, you'll understand."
My mother taught me justice.
"One day, you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"