my DH juat doesn't talk to me! How often do you chat with your partner?

[plugsock]

What I mean is? Minus all the boring stuff about kids, planning, discussing everyday boring stuff like shopping, organising a holiday or whatever. How often do you just chat about random stuff with your partner.

My DH and I hardly talk. I might say something about something that happened at work. He just says nothing. Silence.
I talked about a neighbour's chat I had when I bumped into him - again no response.

It makes me feel really lonely tbh! I find it boring too! He just hardly talks to me. I don't know why he does this. He wasn't like this when I first met him.

Yes DH and I just chatter away all evening, he is very funny and thinks I am too, so we always have a good laugh.

We talk about anything really but then we are also comfortable in silence if we are tired, just glaring at the tv if it's on.

I can see how you may feel down, could you rekindle a hobby you used to have or something you both enjoy to spend "fun" time together ?

This is such a sad thread.

I got divorced years ago and been in a few year long relationships since then. I’d say they were nothing special.

Yet in all these relationships, we laughed and talked together to the very last day we were together.

Most days we chat about random stuff. And for example last night we went up to bed and sat up chatting for 2 hours.

I know this thread is about adult chatter, but like with the people who persistently say "I don't mind" (see other thread), I think that one's upbringing can have an influence on this. There are all sorts of messages about conversation that children hear:
"You talk too much."
"Children should be seen and not heard."
"Don't talk about yourself all the time."
"Give other people a chance to talk."
"Ask him lots of questions."
"It's rude to ask too many questions."
"Take turns to speak."
"Mum's had a long day at work, don't talk to her just yet."
"Don't talk to dad in the morning until he's had coffee."
It can be quite difficult to get the balance right, with all these mixed messages, until you learn your family's values. And then, when you meet a partner, you have to learn their values, and how much conversation they want. It's also different chatting with friends or colleagues, who you only see some of the time, and your significant other, who you probably live with.

Some people may have grown up with relatives who won't stop talking, and any silence is a blessed relief; it might then be a surprise to meet a partner who is not from such a family.

Add in the fact that many of us find tactful criticism difficult, both giving and receiving, and this is a couples' issue that can be quite tricky to solve. I say again: couples have to communicate on this.

I suppose the problem is the non talking partner doesn't see that there is any issue that needs solving, they are living exactly the way they want. So they definitely won't try to change things.

wanderings I can see what you're getting at but this - what I'm experiencing is so bloody hard. I know on my OP I mentioned only chit chat sort of conversations but with my DH even the important stuff is often really hard work.

I suppose the problem is the non talking partner doesn't see that there is any issue that needs solving, they are living exactly the way they want.

I would say the problem is the talking partner finds it difficult to accept the other person has already checked out of the relationship but staying put for its own convenience or fear of change.

Arf@ 1300cakes 😂😂😂

A great reward indeed!

My dh isn't a chatter either and it drives me insane at dinner table in particular when I feel we need to show how to make small talk or just talk. If we have guests it's me keeping it going he just sits and doesn't say a word. It makes me feel murderous but I have to remember this is how he was programmed by his awful dp.
They only have 2 convo topics, every meal was stilted horrific affair no social niceties to talk and make people feel comfortable etc so I can see he's never had that experience or whatever he says even now is put down as though he's a child.

It's hard to overcome that training. But it drives me insane.

It's a skill, and people should learn it.

Sometimes I'm glad he's not a general mad chatter and I think it actually keeps me slightly intrigued and interested in him 😂😂

My dh definitely hasn't checked out, we still get on, love each other, laugh have fun tons of physical contact etc he just isn't a talker and there are flash pints where it's polite to make conversations eh out for diner.

He would just say nothing if I didn't start which drives me insane and as mentioned when we have guests.
People need to eat each person should carry the convo

I suppose that if you laugh together is because you are talking to each other which is not exactly the same as the other ones are discussing you happen to have a quiet husband who communicates with you, the others are talking of partners who won’t even bother to engage with them to talk about anything but the absolute basics.

We talk a lot and I'm not a chatty person but DH is one person who I never run out of things to say to and we've been together 17 years and were very close friends before that who hung out most days. If we stopped talking about more than the practical stuff I'd be very concerned.

I think most people don't unless they themselves are amazing conversationalists and I'm just not

I wouldn’t say I’m a great conversationalist, and DH isn’t either to be honest (he’s pretty introverted). We talk to each other a lot though. Not constantly, we both like companionable silence, but we chat about politics, current affairs, places we’ve visited, people we know, things we’ve done, things we’d like to do etc.

Mine would just say that he 'doesn't do small talk'. Trouble is, he doesn't do big talk either. His communication skills are dreadful (the whole family is like it), but growing up like that he's never realised that 'normal' people actually do talk to one another, even if they have no really big news to impart.

He just decides something - and that's that, set in stone. And he doesn't even tell me he's decided it, I'm supposed to mind read...

This thread made me sad that people have marriages with DH where they don't chat.
Coming up to 8 years of marriage and we talk so much - to much sometimes - we were up to 1am the other night by accident. However we were catching up as we'd had separate activities in the day. He is my best friend though so we love a catch up at the end of the day or at least after a couple of days.
It means I know when something is wrong with DH when our communication isn't good. Generally he's bottling up worries, money concerns even. Sometimes if I ask he'll say it's nothing and it takes a little while to figure it out, not because he's being difficult on purpose mind. But I persevere, not in a nagging way just making sure we still communicate well until it gets revealed. Sometimes people bottle things up without even realising.
Once he tells me about his concerns DH always feels better and knows he has to make sure he doesn't bottle up.

His family isn't great at communication as mine is, I know our backgrounds are different so it's good for me to remember it sometimes takes a little work.

However we both want our marriage to work, we both are trying. It must be so difficult if you feel it's all on you. Aware the OPs circumstances may be different.

I get that some people are more talkative than others but I do think it is important that in a relationship you are either both happy to talk a lot or both happy not to.

If one of you wants to talk about different things and the other doesn't then I find that sad.

DH is also my best friend and we chat a lot. I am quite a chatterbox and could never be with someone who barely responded or who never initiated a conversation

I’m wondering how some of the posters on here even got to the point of marriage with these silent men? Or did they make an effort at the beginning and then it tailed off after marriage?

So. Wanted to update. After reading this thread and being sad. I decided to talk to my husband. Lots of crying , arguing etc. But we have talked. He has apologised and we working towards fixing what is wrong. Obviously other stuff came up. Other problems that were there. But. I feel we have made a huge leap forward and are warming on things together now. ❤️

Mine has very high pressure job so he usually comes home sinks into a armchair and doesn't speak for about an hour because he has been talking all day to clients. Eventually after he has eaten his speech returns and then I can't shut him up!

Glad to hear that Don'tgiveamonkeys

I partly left my exH because of this. He never had an opinion of his own either which drove me nuts. I’d attempt to discuss politics or current affairs and he would just nod and agree with everything. I could literally have said Hitler had some great ideas and he’d have agreed. Idiot. The conversation dried up about three years in.

Relationships are hard but it’s important to communicate and make time for one another. DH and I talk every night.

SoyDora
I’m wondering how some of the posters on here even got to the point of marriage with these silent men?

I can only speak for myself but for me the most important thing for a marriage is physically being there and sharing the basics of life. My DH does do that, so I was happy to marry him. Amazing conversation and connection, romance and social skills are on the "nice to have, but not essential" list for me.

That may sound grim to some, but if, despite much effort, you've been alone and constantly rejected your whole life like I have, someone just being there does feel really amazing. I'm glad I didn't give that up in the hope some perfect man would fall from the sky in the future.

1300cakes I suppose it depends on what you class as ‘basics’ I suppose. For me, conversation is a basic requirement but understand this isn’t the same for everyone.

Yes well exactly Soy, most people probably want a lot more because they have a good chance of getting it, and thats great for them. Everyone is different though.

I read threads on here where husbands don't do any housework or childcare for example. To me sharing that load is a basic requirement. But others think "oh well, that's men for you" and don't mind.

So I can put up with the conversation thing. Doesn't mean I can't have a moan about it occasionally though.