my DH juat doesn't talk to me! How often do you chat with your partner?

[plugsock]

What I mean is? Minus all the boring stuff about kids, planning, discussing everyday boring stuff like shopping, organising a holiday or whatever. How often do you just chat about random stuff with your partner.

My DH and I hardly talk. I might say something about something that happened at work. He just says nothing. Silence.
I talked about a neighbour's chat I had when I bumped into him - again no response.

It makes me feel really lonely tbh! I find it boring too! He just hardly talks to me. I don't know why he does this. He wasn't like this when I first met him.

This makes really depressing reading. My ex was just like that, nothing to say for himself, made no conversation and that is a major reason he is my ex. I need companionship and it sounds as if a lot of you are not getting that. I have never missed him as there was nothing to miss, perhaps some of you should ask yourself that.

Maybe conversation is like anything else in your relationship, it has to be nurtured and worked on.
My child (10) isn't a natural talker and always relies on me to make conversation (I'm not naturally chatty either) so in order to nurture her conversation skills, I asked her to think of 5 questions to ask me. I was amazed at the interesting questions she thought of. It provoked an hour's worth of really interesting discussion.
If I were you, I would want to know how your husband feels. If he wants to rekindle conversation too, then you can think of questions which would provoke discussion
Eg what would you do if you won the lottery?
Where would you live if you could choose?
Which 10 things would be on your bucket list?
Who would you most like to be?
Which era in history would you like to live in?
But he has to put the effort in too.

If he's really not interested and would prefer to look at his phone,etc then I am not sure what you can do. I would assume he's indifferent to the relationship.

Sounds like you've grown apart.

This is one of the saddest threads I have ever read on here. I cannot see the point to any relationship where you can’t talk to each other. DH and I have been married for over 30 years and we have never stopped chatting to each other. We are both very ill and disabled and I have depression, but he still makes me laugh. We also argue quite a lot, but we hold hands and have a giggle together.

We talk about everything you can think of: our grown up kids, politics, what’s happening locally and in the world, feminism, sport, food - all sorts of stuff.

I really hope that those of you who have DHs or DPs who don’t talk can sort this out.

My DH can be like this, sometimes we do have really good chats but more often than not its me making the effort, I'm a chatterbox. Means for chat I rely on my friends, my mum, the kids.. Its so difficult, he could go a whole evening not talking to me at all and not see anything wrong in it.
It's meant that I've formed an inappropriate friendship with a colleague that has other feelings attached to it now, which I've posted about trying to stop, gone no contact etc. But it's purely because he pays me attention, asks questions, wants to know about me, asks how my day was/is going.. So it's really important, the conversation, if I don't sort it out I think probably it's a nail in the coffin really. I see his parents relationship and it's really bad, his mum essentially talks to herself all day with his dad responding with the odd monosyllabic noise, mostly looking pissed off that he's had to respond. I'm starting to feel like her.

Some days, after a busy day in the office, leaving home at 7.30 to get back home at 8, you really don't want to chat to anyone beyond what's for dinner and what tv show shall we watch.
But we chat at weekends and holidays. Though really the quality of the chat doesn't really compare to say discussions you have with group of mates on a night out. I have no real desire to have deep philosophical discussions with my other half, it's not our thing.

I try. DH is just not interested.

My XH and I used to talk about anything and everything. I always said that, if anything went wrong in our relationship our excellent communications would mean we could talk about it and maybe save ourselves. I was wrong.

Current DP (now being downgraded to 'just a friend') - nothing. No small talk, doesn't intitate any conversation, will happily sit in silence for days. Car journeys are particularly exquisite torture. He will only talk about the cars he wants to buy and the cars he has driven.

So, yeah. Some talk, some don't, it doesn't seem to mean much relationship wise.

Honestly people... some relationships die while we are busy doing other things. If things have gone to the point of indifference, there is no going back. You can keep them as a lodger/au pair/flatmate/financial partner but if they are not even interested in talking to you, forget about being a couple, you are not even friends.

I totally agree, @TanMateix

This thread makes for depressing reading. It sounds like many of you are living lives of silent desperation.

We chat all the time. There are many different categories of chat:

1. Ranting about politics (even though we both agree on almost everything)

1. 'Let me tell you about this interesting podcast I just listened to...'

1. 'Would you still love me if I was just a living head in a jar?'

1. 'Guess who I saw today with a NEW BOYFRIEND?'

I feel for you OP - chat / conversation is so important. I can imagine it is lonely if you don't ever get that

Re this thread generally - if mumsnet has ever taught me anything, it's that a huge number of women are in desperately miserable relationships

The things is I'm not exactly a charter box myself. I just want to talk to someone about my day/ their day etc. I'm not asking for philosophical deep conversations every day.

Also it does make me feel he's not really interested or caring like the pp who's dp didn't ask about the sale of the house. I mean why wouldn't you want to ask how's it's going? My DH is exactly the same. I had an interview the other day and he didn't even ask me how it went?!

There are times I've also just thought sod it I'm not going to initiate any conversation and just speak to the kids and honestly I don't think he even noticed or cared! The whole evening he asked me one question which I answered and that was it!

I have brought this up in the past. And because he hardly speaks to me he also doesn't tell me anything. His brothers wife was pregnant and I heard from someone else 2m later accidentally. We don't see them often but I would have called her up to congratulate her at the time.

When I've talked about this issue he says that it's insulting for him. It's the way that he is and it's as though I have a problem with who he Is. Im not sure I'm convinced to be honest. Sometimes he can just be plain rude. I mean completely ignoring someone and not speaking is just plain rude.

I am sad for all of us who have dps like this. It is such a simple thing to sort out but is creating alot of unhappiness for me. At the moment I just deal with it by concentrating on the kids and myself. I'm almost living a single life but with someone always there in the background. I don't know what to do.

I can rarely have a conversation with dp, he drives me mad. I started talking in the car the other day about something and nothing but relevant to the day and he interrupted, pretty much told me how I felt was wrong because of a, b and c and it killed off any conversation we could have had. It was supposed to be humorous on his part I guess.
Or today, the cat needs minor vet treatment, I wanted to talk in a casual sense about how to go about financing it etc yadda yadda and he shot me down instantly, got arsey and told me he'll sort it and to leave it alone.
I really cannot talk to this man about anything.

I don't know what to do.

I think you do know what to do, but you're not sure if or how you can do it.

Same here. Nothing back. I have spent the last few months when I have said something to him saying ‘what do u think ‘ and then he answers but sometimes doesn’t.
The other day I tried to make conversation while have tea outside. Neither him or my son responded to my trying to start a conversation while eating. So we sat there in total silence.

I have given up. The last few days I have only spoken when someone has spoken to me. I agree. It’s lonely. But. There is only so many times I can be ignored when saying something.

This doesn’t seem to bother anyone so that’s me. Gone from chatty to nothing. To be honest not sure how I can live like this as it is a complete character change for me.

OP, what do you need to be happy? Is he ever likely to provide that?

I’m sure you know the answer to that. If it helps, it far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

Being a single parent is difficult at times but NOT as soul destroying and miserable as being ignored for the rest of your life.

Gone from chatty to nothing

That is heartbreaking. Honestly, use this silence to try to remind yourself who you are and build the strength to recover yourself and rebuild your life, with him or without him.

There is a book called Too good to leave too bad to stay that may help on making that decision.

This morning we have talked about a mutual friend, our plans for the house, a holiday we are both excited to go on, interest rates, my work, his upcoming work trip, taken the piss out of each other, discussed the fact that football season starts again (me - oh great, him - yesss!).
Some mornings we don’t talk much, others we chat a lot. Same with evenings. We’ve had to get a balance because I’m in all day as I work
For myself so long for a chat and he longs for quiet after being in an office all day. We talked about it, both acknowledged how we felt and try to get a good balance.
And some subjects my DH isn’t good at talking about.

We’ve been together 18 years this year but don’t have kids yet - I wonder if this is the thing that will change it? A lot of people I know with children have this problem as chat just becomes about the kids - not a criticism just a life gets in the way type thing.

It sucks that so many people feel so lonely - I obviously don’t know what’s round the corner maybe that could be us a few years down the line, I hope not though! It sounds really tough.
Especially if the DH in question isn’t interested in fixing it

I really hope I didn’t sound like a smug married there ^ that wasn’t my intention, we are far from perfect!

@gregoire @bellas I feel the same way. DP and I chat about everything from the innane to quite philosophical conversations. He also makes me laugh and I just love engaging with him. After nearly 15 years I still find him so fascinating and just find his intelligence so attractive.

@Bellasblankexpression not smug at all well not to me. I have asked him so many times why he ignores me. He says he is not and he says I made a statement so therefore it doesn’t need an answer.

Ummmmm no. That’s me starting a conversation. I would find something on the internet interesting and would tell him what it says and he just ignores what I say.
We are on holiday at the moment and I did t realise just how bad it has got till we were with each other all day.
My son has his GCSEs ( last year at school ) in September. Will have a think when that is done ( never said that out loud until now

@dontgiveamonkeys1350 that really sucks. Are you not talking much at all? I hope it’s not ruining your holiday

We did have a bit of this for a bit, DH said I was skipping about on so many subjects so quickly that he didn’t think I required an answer as it was like I was monologuing 😂 which was probably true - I am guilty of talking at people sometimes. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the same :( I think maybe there’s a problem if you’ve raised it with DH and explained that it’s upsetting you and making you lonely and he STILL doesn’t seem interested in doing anything about it

We've just got back from taking the kids swimming and a quick shop and he's got in and he's straight onto the laptop. I don't know what the heck he does on there. That's all he ever does. I've just asked what he's looking at on the computer, what's he browsing. Nothing. Completely ignored me.
I think I am so used to this behaviour that actually writing it down has made me just realise how shit things have really become.

There seems to be so many of us with partners like this. Is it a man thing?! I can't imagine there being men feeling lonely because their wives won't talk to them enough!

No, it is not a man’s thing. You have grown apart.

My dad was like what many of you describe and it was horrible being so aware of it. He would sit on the couch with his headphones on, listening to music on the stereo, whilst we all watched tv together and chatted as a family. Every. Single. Night. Only looking back do I realise how dysfunctional that was.

We have three young children and I have been freelancing in the evening. DH works in the evening and gets back late - by the time he’s home, I’m knackered and just looking at my phone, eyes glazed over. He’s been complaining later that things have felt rubbish and he’s been lonely in the relationship. I’ve quit the freelancing because it wasn’t worth what it was doing to me - and by extension our relationship. I’ve been making a huge effort lately to be more chatty.

Our relationship is great though - we chat shit, we make each other laugh, we’re very playful with each other and we talk about all sorts of common interests or even differences. It was just exhaustion that made me go silent.

On the whole, introverts’ needs aside, humans are social creatures that need social interaction. I really feel for some of you in these unhappy situations :(