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Original poster

my DH juat doesn't talk to me! How often do you chat with your partner?

98 replies

plugsock · 03/08/2019 08:37

What I mean is? Minus all the boring stuff about kids, planning, discussing everyday boring stuff like shopping, organising a holiday or whatever. How often do you just chat about random stuff with your partner.

My DH and I hardly talk. I might say something about something that happened at work. He just says nothing. Silence.
I talked about a neighbour's chat I had when I bumped into him - again no response.

It makes me feel really lonely tbh! I find it boring too! He just hardly talks to me. I don't know why he does this. He wasn't like this when I first met him.

OP posts:
VictorianWoman · 03/08/2019 14:07

Is he hooked on forums, YouTube, etc? Have a look

LizzieSiddal · 03/08/2019 14:13

Ignoring you when you ask him a question is just so bloody rude! He wouldn’t get away with that at work, why does he treat his wife like that?!

I think talking to each other is so important for a marriage. We’ve been married 30 years and when people ask “what’s the secret” I always say “we talk all the time.” We talk about everything and anything and I know if I ever have a worry/issue, I can talk to him and he will listen.

The question you need to ask OP is when your dc have left home and it’s just you and your H, does this fill you with happiness or does your heart sink?

My advise would be ask him to go to counselling with you to find out how to communicate properly. If he won’t do anything, I’d be off.

carlywurly · 03/08/2019 21:52

@gregoire your list is us. Especially no 3. Grin

Do is great at conversation. He is unshockable despite my best efforts and tells a funny story very well. Most of our conversations are pretty irreverent and counterbalance us having to act like sensible grown ups at work.

We also have a thing he's named "pillow talk" where, once we turn the lights off we discuss the key events of the day and any other subjects we've earmarked for further discussion.

I could absolutely not be with anyone I couldn't talk to. I knew that spelled the end with Xh. Sad

Teacakeandalatte · 03/08/2019 22:00

When he says this is how he is, has he really always been like that?

Original poster
plugsock · 03/08/2019 22:03

carlywurly ohh the "pillow talk" thing you have sounds really nice. My DH has the laptop on and his headphones on when he gets into bed so any chance of a conversation is pretty much non existent.

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 03/08/2019 22:21

Me and Dh have been married 40 years and still talk all the time.

We chat about his work, our dogs, holidays, days out, films we want to see, tv programmes, music, meals we want to cook, books, news items etc.

We do have silences but they are comfortable silences. We also laugh a lot. We have lot of silly in jokes

roisinagusniamh · 04/08/2019 06:21

I agree it is not a man thing. That's a lazy, sexist excuse.
Long marriages survive on compatibility , love and respect.
A good marriage is like a good friendship.
Would you still be friends with someone, meeting them for coffee, drinks, etc. if they didn't talk to you?

Animum2 · 04/08/2019 07:47

Dh hubby and I work at the same place and in the same department so we see each other and chat as and when it's possible during the day, we mostly chat on the bus going home and when we get home there will be a bit of chat but neither of us feel the need to fill the silence it's more if a comfortable silence especially if he's playing online game and I'm watching telly

Retraintoday · 04/08/2019 08:51

*Soola

I never realised when I was with my ex just how little we chatted and it was mainly due to not having the same views, opinions and interests."

I think this might be the key. For us who's DH don't talk to us. Perhaps it's due to incomparability Sad

LoubyLou1234 · 04/08/2019 09:08

I think sometimes it's normal to want to sit and be quiet. I work in the NHS and 12 hour days so when I come home sometimes I've had a bad day I don't want to talk about it just want to zone out.
However no it's not a man thing although their does seem to be alot of them that do it! It makes me quite sad how many literally get ignored when starting converse. The PP whose son ignored her while eating too is learning bad habits from his father.

barberousbarbara · 04/08/2019 11:07

'Would you still love me if I was just a living head in a jar?'

These are the type of chats we have most of the time. My ex was far less of a talker and over a period of time I found myself more and more bored in the relationship. I do wish sometimes DP had an off/mute button but the mixture of serious and silly conversations is what keeps us together. I can talk to him about anything and I know he won't judge me, and vice versa.

1300cakes · 04/08/2019 11:10

My DH is exactly the same. I had an interview the other day and he didn't even ask me how it went?!

Oh I've got another one! I was at DH family's house for lunch. His brother said to him "oh guess what, I saw x last week at grandma's funeral". It was the first I had heard that their grandma had died!

Its tough to complain because I've never been a very good conversationalist myself. I try my best with family and (my few) friends but I know it isn't very interesting and I can't do banter/chit chat the way I observe others doing. So it's unrealistic to think that someone who is a great or even medium level conversationalist would be interested in me. So far they never have been. It's not as easy as ltb and there'll be 100 handsome chatty guys at the door.

1300cakes · 04/08/2019 11:15

A good marriage is like a good friendship.
Would you still be friends with someone, meeting them for coffee, drinks, etc. if they didn't talk to you?

Not sure I agree with this. Friendship is part of a marriage ideally but they aren't the same. No I wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't talk, but on the other hand I wouldn't invite a friend to stay indefinitely in my house like I have invited DP. It would feel really uncomfortable, perhaps because much more conversation is expected.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/08/2019 11:16

Does anyone else find themselves just talking, talking, meaningless words to fill the silences? I try to start conversations, get nothing back, so end up just basically talking to myself to fill the huge gap. I've nothing against companionable silence, but I do think they should be mutual.

I've turned into a Pollyanna chatterbox (because he's a misery and I have to be cheerful) to stop us just slumping into 24 hour silences broken only by grunts or complaints.

1300cakes · 04/08/2019 11:24

No Zaphod I'm the opposite, I now stop myself from telling him things. I feel embarrassed about being an open book to him while he's closed off to me and he isn't interested anyway.

Original poster
plugsock · 04/08/2019 11:53

1300cakes omg! Not telling you that his grandmother has passed away is strange! Did your dh not attend the funeral?

OP posts:
wanderings · 04/08/2019 12:35

We're both quite introverted, so there are times that we co-exist in companionable silence; sometimes that's all we want to do first thing in the morning, or when we're back home from work.

There have been times when one of us has said to the other that we'd like more chat; or if one of us makes an effort to talk, only to be met with very terse replies, or silence. There were times when I would ask him about his day, and all his replies would always be very negative; this was soul-destroying. So I started asking "did anything funny happen today?" This had some success.

But what's really important is communication. If companionable silence is what you like, fine, as long as you agree on it, and communicate that you agree on it. We make a point of saying when we're not happy about things like this, which I think is really important, rather than allowing seething and resentment to build up; otherwise this sort of exchange can happen.
"You never talk to me!!!"
"But you never said you wanted me to talk more. I assumed from your silence that you were happy."
I have no sympathy when he rants or moans about something, if has spent ages keeping silent about it. He's mostly learned this.

PixieLumos · 04/08/2019 12:38

Doesn’t sound like much of a relationship to me if you can’t chat with each other. Me and DH talk about random shit all the time. What if you’re sat in a car together?

Teaandcrisps · 04/08/2019 12:52

Im so sad from reading some of these posts. It must be incredibly damaging to your confidence. Do you feel your OHs actually like you?

FadedRed · 04/08/2019 13:17

This does make sad reading.
I’m another unsmug married forever and still talking/laughing/comfortable silences.

Original poster
plugsock · 04/08/2019 14:39

I find be can talk but only when it suits him. But that's no good to me. He can be quite moody too for no apparent reason.

It has not been good for my self esteem. For so long I think I've just accepted that that is how things are and plodded along but not really acknowledging that it isn't healthy.

OP posts:
Allli · 04/08/2019 15:26

When’s the last time you had a Date Night? Ask him which night he’d prefer, get a relative/babysitter, book a table, take phones but agree prior they stay in pockets except if they ring (could be the sitter) and see if you are still into him. Could be that you aren’t. My ex and I became like flatmates after a decade and split. Much happier now.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/08/2019 15:35

Date Nights are a waste of time with my OH. We just sit. Sometimes we eat. He always wants to eat as fast as possible and get home.

I look around restaurants and see other couples chatting, laughing, enjoying their food. I always said I didn't want to be one of those 'silent couples' with nothing to talk about, and he agreed. Yet, here I am.

It was so, so different with XH, we would make each other laugh until we cried whilst eating out. That relationship has been over for eight years, but I still miss the chats.

1300cakes · 04/08/2019 22:51

We don't do date nights either, we'd sit in silence. We've never really gone out to dinner even when we first got together.

But to be fair, a long term couple eating in silence is really common. There are so many cliches and jokes about it, surely it's more common than not.

And even in past relationships I've never had that amazing conversation on dates after the first year or so. I think most people don't unless they themselves are amazing conversationalists and I'm just not. Add in a non talking spouse and there's no point trying.

1300cakes · 04/08/2019 22:57

I think what has been getting to me more than the actual lack of talking, is the failure to acknowledge it. I've tried to bring it up, not in a blame way, just saying I wish we could talk more and open up to each other. He just gets annoyed and says "we do! We talk all the time". I point out well no we don't, giving examples, and he says "oh that's ridiculous". It's pointless to argue unless I want to stand there all day going "no we don't" "yes we do" "no we don't" "yes we do".

I have no idea whether he actually thinks it's true, or he just isn't bothered so he is trying to shut me up.