I am so touched out, hiding in bathroom and want to cry.

[twirlypoo]

This is going to be a rant, im so sorry, my brain just won’t work any other way today.

I’m a lone parent to the most amazing 7yo. It’s always just been the 2 of us as his dad left when I was pregnant so we are incredibly close. He has massive anxiety at the moment though, and he is following me around telling me he loves me. He’s sleeping in my bed, he can’t be in another room. He’s just shouted through “hey” to check in still on the loo, and to be honest, he often joins me and sits on the stairs outside the door so I’m just grateful he’s not with me here. I’m trying desperately not to tell him to bugger off as he obviously needs this right now, but I’m so deep into this situation which isn’t normal that I don’t know how to fix it.

I’ve just went back to work full time and am running a self employed business too, and my house is a tip. I literally bought us new pants today because I have no clean ones and the idea of sorting the laundry made me want to cry. I have to decorate all downstairs as we have no wallpaper and the carpets are not salvageable. My bed sheets have fake tan on them but the idea of changing them makes me want to sob.

Ds dad has stopped paying maintenance and the last time we saw him he stormed out and said he wasn’t visiting again. He will, but I can’t deal with his abuse so I’ve blocked his number, which makes me feel panicky as I am just delaying the inevitable.

I can’t breath. Even my bathroom has laundry on the floor and needs cleaning. I don’t know how to get myself out this room and back in to the house when it’s so filled with things I have to do and people I need to care for. I’m so utterly overwhelmed right now. I don’t know how to fix this.

I dont think what you are feeling is unusual or not normal. I think that all parents feel overwhelmed and smothered by their kids at times (from personal experience and from chatting to out mums). You seem very in tune with your sons need to be near you and I think that makes you are great mum. You also recognise that he needs you "right now" suggesting you know he wont be this way forever. Again that makes me think u are doing better than u think. I felt the house was getting on top of me a few months ago and set 3 small target a day (ds t shirt drawer, clean out fridge, sort out clean clothes that need to be put away). 3 small jobs a day and u will be amazed after a week then two weeks.
You can do this OP. One small step at a time. Your son knows he is loved. He has a hard working mum. He has clothes to wear food in his tummy and a safe place to sleep. The rest can wait. He wont remember at 20 that u got behind with the house work. He will remember how safe he felt next to u.

Oh OP

Have you got any local family/friends who can help?

Why has your ex stopped paying maintenance?

To me you sound like a hero. You have done all of this on your own???? Blimey. I would of been on my knees months ago.

It is totally fine that you are struggling. Seriously totally fine. I had a some struggles and I hid myself away as I didn’t want my son to see that I was.

Your right he needs you now. And you are doing the amazing job of being there when he needs you. No matter how hard it is for you ... you are still putting his needs first.

Everything else can just wait. The washing the house the carpet. Who cares. You are doing what u need to do right now.

On a practical side. I assume there is no one around to help u. So. Just pick one thing for now. Just one thing. Put one load of washing on. Nothing else. Do that and let the rest go until u can do something else.

To me you are amazing to still be going. Don’t ever forget that. Xxxxx

Can you make it a game with your lad ?

See if you can make three days worth of outfits each from the laundry and do a wash then him help you put on airer or in tumble dryer to dry?

Maybe sing songs silly songs as you go?

I'm not surprised you're worn out but good move to buy new pants when you can't face laundry.

Your DS needs to be near you, and you have household chores that are overwhelming you.
Why not try and do a couple of things for the house with him and make it a game? I hate changing the bed on my own but even a 7 year old can hold the corners of the duvet and its corners while you wrestle with it. Get inside the duvet cover and pretend you're stuck.
Stick the pants and socks in the machine and tomorrow the two of you can play Snap matching socks.

On these types of threads I wish I knew where’s u were. I would love to just come and clean ur house for u. I’m a cleaner. And would totally just come and blitz ur house and get U straight again.

And get on to Csa or whatever they're called for maintenance.
Wanker (his dad that is)

OP my 11 yr old DD is the same! She's so scared I'm going to die and leave her. It's very suffocating. She follows me EVERYWHERE!

Can you afford a cleaner?

How have you managed this for so long? You sound like a hero! Although, an overwhelmed one at that!

I think bitesize chunks might make things a little easier for you! Maybe make a list of everything that needs doing and assign yourself one thing per day!

I love the PP idea about making a game out of it with your son!

Please keep your chin up, you're doing a fantastic job! Also, get into CMS about the maintenance, children aren't "Pay Per View" and you really are entitled to that money.

All the best.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling stressed out, it’s totally understandable with what you’re dealing with. I think the best thing to do is start small, one job at a time. Or one room at a time. Perhaps get your son in on it “ can you help mummy put the pillow cases on her pillows?” “Let’s see if we can tidy up this room” etc. It might help his anxiety to have a “job” around the house to focus on. Plus it’s also a bit of help. Just deal with each day instead of panicking about next week and the week after that 💐

If I’ve got housework stuff to do I first of all empty my brain by writing a list of everything big and small that needs doing. It just relieves the chaos of them all in my head, being remembered all the time.

Then I pick a tv programme with adverts in - preferably something american that has long ad breaks. The moment the ads come on rush into the kitchen , unload dishwasher rush back in for programme start..the same with laundry sort and first load. You’d be surprised what you can get done in short bursts if you’ve got something to get back to. You could even make it a game with your son - who can get back to the living room first.

Good luck !

You are a fantastic mum

Sod the sheets, sod the washing. Be kind to yourself. Tomorrow, if you can, write a short list of 2-3 jobs and tick them off when you've done them. If you can't face it, that's fine too. One step at a time and don't beat yourself up for what you can't do. Anxiety is crippling and overwhelming and you're holding down a job, a business and being the mum your son deserves so in my book that makes you pretty awesome.

Is there anyone you can reach out to in real life to give you a bit of support?

P.s. buying new pants is a genius move, if you can't face changing the sheets give them a bit of a febreze if you've got it in, I do it all the time

Oooo and what @notageek says - I do the ad break thing all the time, game changer!

Just wanted to echo some of the other messages...you sound like an amazing mum and how you're feeling sounds completely normal under those circumstances.

If it doesn't seem like another job to do maybe see if there is anyone you can talk to (like a counsellor) through your GP. Not because there's anything wrong with you - but just so you've got someone to listen to you / support you and who you don't have to look after. Just an idea because it sounds like you could use an outlet just for you. A lot of employers allow time off - it's like a doctors appointment.

Notageek

I’ve done that too when my twins were babies. It really works because you actually get quite a lot done in the ad break. Things can get very overwhelming and when here’s a lot of jobs to do, it’s natural for some people to feel like giving up.

Just make a list of everything that needs doing and do it in stages. Put a load of washing in and then watch your program. Next ad wash the dishes, next one do a quick hoover etc etc.

You’re doing amazing btw don’t be so hard on yourself

That's so funny I do that with ad breaks too - when I'm having a bad day and don't want to do anything. Like tricking myself into being productive by pretending to myself I'm just watching my shows really

I have to decorate all downstairs as we have no wallpaper and the carpets are not salvageable.

You do not have to. This really does not matter. Honestly. You have a roof over your heads, a bed to snuggle DS in. Forget the aesthetics. We didn’t have carpet for several months when we were kids, never did us any harm and real friends do not judge you. You are doing an amazing job raising DS alone, you have clean pants and someone to give you a hug right now...and it sounds like you need one. This moment will pass op. Tomorrow tackle just one simple job.

Thank you all so much, you have made me cry with your loveliness (I’m out the bathroom though, so you know, small progress!)

Ds dad lives abroad so I have to take it to international court to get maintenance, and I just don’t have it in me. He used to visit once a month, but Ds refuses to go with him so this has dwindled.

My mum helps where she can, but she has so much on her own plate as she’s caring for a young relative who has a terminal illness. She’s overwhelmed too. Ds is worried I’m going to die because of what’s happened with this relative , and whenever he gets poorly he thinks he has caught their illness and is going to die too. It’s just a bit crap all round at the moment!

You are all so lovely about my house with your hints - I’m going to add fabreeze to my shopping list tomorrow! I might actually just buy new sheets as these ones are making me so bloody sad and stressed just to look at them. There’s just so much ‘stuff’ everywhere. I’m going to bed at the same time as Ds because he can’t sleep unless I’m there, and I just don’t feel I have any time to sort stuff in that gap between work and 7pm when he needs to go up.

I could possibly afford a cleaner in September - but I’d need to blitz the house to get it to a point where someone could actually clean it. Ds said to me at bedtime that he thought I was sad tonight, and I said I was just feeling sad because our house was messy and I had lost my energy to clean it. He pinky promised swear he would help me tomorrow, then tucked me into bed. I want to do better for him. He deserves more than this

sweatheart, deep breath. it will get better.
it feels very isolating and overwhelming just now, but you will get through it.
go, cuddle your dc. do something crazy together (ice cream at midnight? breakfast picknic in the park?)

a big change like this is tough on a child as well. he needs to feel secure but you also need to tell him how you are feeling. but make clear to him that it's not his fault.

good luck

Sounds hard op, you’re doing a great job being so in tune with your ds.
I understand the feeling of being touched out, not as bad as you though . Mine sometimes leave me alone!
Can you get some pals around for your ds so he has someone to play with and you get some breathing space?
Can you leave him once he falls asleep?
If you can I would do a full hour of tidying - wash on .
Then sit down with a glass of wine/ tea and just watch tv for an hour.
Maybe light a candle to help relax.

I have a top cleaning tip, I stuff everything in every available press, wardrobe so the house looks tidy. I just never let ppl open them !

You sound like an amazing mum with more than enough on your plate. It could help distract your son if you got him helping you with the house. He could help sort clothes into piles for washing.
Do one small area in a room a night ie a side table, or a kitchen surface around the kettle.
It can feel overwhelming when the house gets like this, and it seems to happen in the blink of an eye! I know my kitchen can go from gleaming to wtf in the matter of hours!
Don't be too hard on yourself op. You are already doing so much

Just remember, you don't need to solve everything, fix everything or clean everything up today; right now; this minute.

Take a MASSIVE deep breath and just choose one small thing.

Just one. That's it for today.

It doesn't have to be the most important thing. It doesn't have to "pack a big punch" in terms of effectiveness. It can be tiny. Literally choose the ONE smallest thing you could do right now.

Maybe it's to put some things from the side into the bin. Or to take all the clothes in one room and put them in a pile? Or to change the sheets? Or to lob a handful of clothing in the washer.

Just one thing.

Then carry on as you were. Seeing to DS, watching tv, go to bed. Whatever you want!

Tomorrow, choose one thing again. Just one.

Every day, just choose one. It really will all add up.

I like to think of it like Incremental gains in the gym! Bodybuilders and super fit people don't create those beautifully sculpted abs and muscles all in one day, over night. No, it's the cumulative effect of doing a bit every day.

And at the end of the day, if you're all fed, watered and have roof over your heads you're winning. There's no point in panicking about anything else.

You are doing marvellously for your son and he clearly loves you very much. Take him up on his offer and do a bit of tidying tomorrow. Don’t try and do too much though and don’t aim too high. Tidy the absolute worst and then leave the rest for another day.

Lists! Always my saviour. Make lists for all the things you want to achieve and it will feel great when you tick stuff off!

My 7 year old had terrible anxiety about health and illness and we used a book called "What to do when you worry too much" (on Amazon) - it was from Amazon. It helped so much! Lots of little activities to do together to help them manage their worries - if you can help him, so he doesn't need so much of you all the time, it might help you feel a bit more on top of things...?
Good luck, you've got this.