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Original poster

The truth about having a second child

95 replies

bebeboeuf · 29/07/2019 17:57

A lighthearted thread to see if the main consensus is that the addition of a second child to the family is a blessing or if anyone has found it to be harder than expected.

We are at a crossroads where life is working out ok with one and don’t want to rock it too much but worry about the future and if the worst was to happen our child being left alone

OP posts:

OneForTheRoadThen · 29/07/2019 19:07

@PrimeraVez I feel exactly the same. Mine are similar ages - 3.2 years and 16 months and I find it relentless. It's got so much harder since the second was a baby - I'm knackered

Namelessinseattle · 29/07/2019 19:14

I was NOT prepared for a second. I was so focused on the first adjusting to the change that I somehow forgot there would be a change. The biggest challenge was my husband and my relationship. But I think we had a few complicating factors too.

Silversun83 · 29/07/2019 19:16

Very very hard - in fact in comparison, the days when DC2 was a newborn/younger baby and I only had him to look after (when DC1 in nursery) actually felt like a holiday. (And I definitely didn't feel that way the first time around).

I think as a PP says, our family does feel 'complete' now though and I definitely don't have the broody feeling I did when we just had one. Obviously love both and the pros (especially looking into the future) probably outweigh the cons!

They are 3 and 1 though (with only a 22 month age gap) so am probably in the most physically exhausting stage and hoping things will get easier!

I think the hardest thing is that at the weekend both DH and I would almost rather take on both of them together rather than take turns to have time to ourselves so it's full on all the time. Whereas with one, it's so much easier to take turns to get alone/quiet time.

I think

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ThanksItHasPockets · 29/07/2019 19:20

I think people’s views will be heavily affected by the age gap. Small age gaps are tough at first and the payoff doesn’t come for a few years. A larger gap is a luxury not available to everyone but a small gap wasn’t an option for us.

Silversun83 · 29/07/2019 19:22

@primeravez and @onefortheroadthen - 3.2 and 16 months here also and also find it incredibly relentless so glad it's not just me! I also literally cannot leave them alone together for a minute. DD (3.2) just will not leave her brother alone.. constantly pulling him around etc. DS used to be so chilled out and laid back (DD was never like that ) but since he's found his feet is into everything as toddlers his age are!

RaggeddeeAnn · 29/07/2019 19:25

Two are easier than one, once you get past the newborn/toddler years they have a sibling to play with and that means less stress on you keeping a child active & entertained. The dynamic is a pleasure to watch, my oldest has since day 1 helped her baby sister. From teaching her the ABC song before early years to showing her how to shave her legs....it’s a real blessing. They are both very different too. I am amazed two kids with same parents can be different people but still awesome.

LatteLove · 29/07/2019 19:28

I love him to bits and he was a dream as a baby but my second is autistic and he’s much more work than his big brother. I’d never wish I didn’t have him but it’s been challenging. My eldest has never given us a moment’s bother although I found the initial baby days hard going. He may change now he’s a teen though!

Fatted · 29/07/2019 19:28

For me I found having my first much harder than having my second. I think once you're used to having kids, adding another doesn't make that much of a difference. I had a two year age gap so got all the sleepless nights and nappies done quickly.

The only thing I would say was harder with two is juggling childcare and the cost with work. I was reployed while on mat leave with my youngest anyway and was 'fortunate' enough to be redployed into a job that meant working part time evenings around my DH's hours for a very good wage. I would never have been able to afford to work full-time in the day when they were both little. Child care would have cost £1k per month. I went back full time working in the day last year when eldest was in full-time school and youngest qualified for 30 hours funding.

FundamentallyTired · 29/07/2019 19:31

I wouldn't wish her not here as such, but having a second was a mistake. Dd has ASD and it is hard work. She's 7 and it's never really got easier. And it's hard on ds. He has to deal with her outbursts, violence and never being the one with the attention. I think he wishes he'd been an only, although he loves her.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 29/07/2019 19:32

Our #2 was the best thing that happened to our little family of 3

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 29/07/2019 19:32

Mostly a blessing.
Dc1 is 4 and dc2 is 1. They mostly adore each other but when they fall out... and are clobbering each other/screaming/throwing things I have the odd moment of regret.

Dc1 is currently "reading" dc2 "Each Peach, Pear, Plum" at the moment and that's just adorable.

I think I was "lucky" that I had such awful post partum mental health issues with dc1, that I sailed through the much easier post partum period with dc2 despite having a 3 year old and a new born to cope with.

luckyorange · 29/07/2019 19:37

Blessing so far - two under two and I'm not even naturally a maternal type person. Mine are very close together so the newborn stage was tough but now there's a routine it's getting better. And everyone says how much it helps when they're older and can entertain each other...I'm looking forward to that!

supersop60 · 29/07/2019 19:42

Blessing. We had a DD, and having DS brought balance to the family.

DryIce · 29/07/2019 19:43

Some sobering reading here! I currently have a 5 month old and an almost 2 year old, and while I was expecting hell on earth for the first year I've ended up really wanting a third!.

It can be chaotic, but I've found it no where near the fhamge that zero to one kid was. And the 2nd has been a more challenging one

Pineapplefish · 29/07/2019 19:45

Like a couple of other posters, I found that adding a second child was a doddle but the third was much, much harder!

ListenLinda · 29/07/2019 19:45

Blessing, but gosh it is hard some days. DD is smack in the middle of terrible twos and can have her moments but she is my angel. DS is the most smiley little chap and family feels complete now.
They are the best thing I ever did.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 29/07/2019 19:48

I don't think raising children is ever easy but I didn't find having a second particularly difficult. We had a 5 ish year age gap which I think made it much easier than having a 2 year age gap like a lot of people seem to have. I also didn't work when they were young which made things easy as well. I'm not sure I would have found it so easy with a smaller age gap and both of us working full time. Both kids have always been well behaved but our second child has literally never had to be told off. I think we've been very lucky and just hoping she doesn't turn into a nightmare teen They have a nice relationship with each other and I hope that continues into adulthood. I'm really glad we had a second.

mumbunforever · 29/07/2019 20:10

@PrimeraVez speaking the whole truth and nothing but he truth there then they go to bed and you may allow yourself a wee and a slice of toast

Rainatnight · 29/07/2019 20:25

I’ve found the jump from one to two much harder than I expected. Will come back and say more when I have time!

strawberrypenguin · 29/07/2019 20:30

I don't regret my second at all. He's completed our family and I adore him. Of course there are (frequent) times when he and his brother drive each other up the wall but that's balanced with the times they're absolutely besotted with each other.
I'd absolutely have no.2 again.

Mac47 · 29/07/2019 20:30

The only opposing vote I think! Every time I think of having two children, I am overwhelmingly glad I didn't. Mine is a teenager now and while I love her and miss some of the early years, i would have been a shit mum if I had had another.

SomebodysPerson · 29/07/2019 20:33

Some lovely stories on here.

I have a DSS(9) and DS(2). I cant imagine having my own second child, my DS is bloody marvellous but it is such hard work and I cannot envision giving him everything he needs whilst caringy for a younger child too. But he is very high needs and that's not to say that I dont think it is possible for other parents to do it, because I see it all the time. I really admire it. Could not cope myself

clucky3 · 29/07/2019 21:00

So much easier than the transition from 0 to 1

LaPufalina · 29/07/2019 21:08

Almost identical to silver, I have a 21m gap and also feel like eldest's two nursery days when I just have DD2 are a holiday! I do feel a bit bad that my mat leave with DD2 has been somewhat centred around toddler activities but she's 11mo now and getting involved more.
I did find that going from 1-2 was easier than 0-1 but that it's more than double the work! The logistics... and the washing seems much more than double, too, though it can't be

Sandhead1 · 29/07/2019 21:12

Extremely hard at first. Probably regretted it for the first 5 months. After that all good and don’t regret it for a minute. The second is the light of our life and an absolute joy.

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