Do you think that if you’ve never had a relationship by 30, marriage and kids is unachievable?!

[FedUpOfVienna]

I was at a wedding yesterday and it’s really knocked me for six.

I’m turning thirty in December and I’ve never had a relationship. I had a big wobble at 27 when it seemed like everyone was getting engaged/ married/ settled down and tried OLD. I went on a few dates but I never wanted to meet the same man twice.

I don’t know how it’s happened. I’m a normal person but dating has just totally passed me by. I sat at that wedding yesterday and realised that all my friends have met someone that they think they can spend a lifetime with while I’ve never managed to kiss anyone. How am I ever supposed to catch up?!

You don't need to put time limits on your life. Plenty of women have their first children in their early 40s and beyond. I met my husband at 22, got married at 25, and gave birth at 27. If you did likewise at 32, 35 and 37 it would all work out wouldn't it? It's important to find the right person rather than worry about arbitrary milestones.

I’m my husbands only relationship and we met when he was 37. He’s now 42 and we’ve bought a house, got married, etc. Never say never if it’s something you want.

Depends on why you haven't had one. It seems like you are not that bothered and happy on your own.
Do you want the marriage and children thing?
I did want it but never quite managed. Always attracted to the wrong type etc. Did lots of travelling, jobs abroad and eventually decided I wanted to settle, did OLD which was a big project 🤦🏻‍♀️ and finally met my DH at 32. Having our second child soon.

So if this is what you want then yes, you give it a good go and I am positive you will manage, you have 12/13 years or so, 30 is very young.

But maybe you just want to be single? Some of my friends do. Some others say they want a relationship but they don't really try hard enough.

You can definitely choose what you want OP

I really do want children.

Some others say they want a relationship but they don't really try hard enough

I wonder if this is me. I really don’t know how to try. I always just thought I’d meet someone and it would click and be easy.

I was 30 when I met my now husband. I’d never had a relationship before, tried online dating, met him. We’ve been together 9 years, married for 3 and have 2 children. It’s never too late x

Don't worry about what everyone else is doing. If the only reason you're having a wobble is because you think everyone around you is doing it, so 'why aren't I', then perhaps that isn't a strong enough motivator?

On the other hand, if you have quiet moments alone and feel like you're missing out, you want to be in a relationship, and you really are drawn to having a family - then it really isn't too late.

It just takes one meeting, one contact with the right person, and you'll be on your way. Think about what you really want, and it will happen.

It’s not so ‘why aren’t I?’, more ‘why not me?’

Thank you for AragonsGirl.

I met DS's father at 28 and had DS at 30.

We aren't together now though and never married but I don't mind the way things have turned out. We actually met through a mutual friend that I just bumped into in town one evening and clicked. I felt like you did and that it'd never happen. Then it did very quickly.

Did the quickness of it all bother you? That does scare me now.

I hadn’t had a relationship until I met my husband at 34 (friend of a friend of a friend). We got married when I was 38, had our daughter when I was 41. I hadn’t wanted children until I hit 40 or we may have done everything sooner. It’s definitely possible.

I didn’t have a relationship until my 30s. I had an international job and I was busy. Renovating a house, working, men didn’t really seem a priority.
A relationship moved up the list in my 30s and I had ds in my early 40s.
I think a lot of people do that now. Who in the south east can afford children in their 20s?
I wouldn’t worry yet. Just go out a bit more

Got married at 35. Met my husband when I was 31. Had my kids at 35 and 37. I now look back at when I was 30 at wish I'd just relaxed and enjoyed my time and freedom. That freedom of just worrying about yourself, making plans for yourself and enjoying a sun-bed/reading for hours. It will happen. Xx

Absolutely yes, i've seen it happen more than once. One of these people was my sister.

I think it is 100% about the right person coming along. I believe there are people who fall easily into relationships and who probably stay even long term with someone that they aren't that into because it works for them at the time for whatever reason.

I personally am someone that just can't bring myself to spend time, let alone be in a relationship with someone that I don't really click with. I'd rather be on my own.

Maybe you are just the second type?

Of course it's not too late ,but I think you do have to be actively looking for a relationship .

I wouldn’t say I’d had a ‘proper’ relationship until I met DH at 30 so yes it’s achievable

Fedup It did at the time when I realised I was pregnant (DS wasn't planned) but it's turned out well and I wouldn't change how it happened. I never 'did' relationships really and with DS's father it caught me off guard because I just clicked with him. I really lusted after him. No idea why! It's never happened with anyone else before or since and I don't lust after him now!

I remember I hated it when all my friends started getting married because I had to go alone and it made me feel really inadequate even though the rest of the time I was happy being single. I knew I wanted a child and I think that put the pressure on too.

It's not a race. It'll happen when it happens, just keep enjoying your life as it is and do everything the rest of us wish we could. but can't because of the kids

Are you avoidant?

Ididnt think i was because i always chasing men who were avoidants who wouldnt commit. So i thoughti couldnt be an avoidant. But looking back i had a good system going for staying single. So it might be worth reading 'attached' by heller and levine. Made me think.

30 is young so if there is a reason you are long term single, you have time to figure it out.

Most of my friends have married in their mid to late 30s and had children in their mid 30s - mid 40s. Probably older than the average but that reflects them spending their 20s focusing on their career and not having the finances to marry/buy houses/have kids at that time. It's definitely possible!

At almost exactly your age I met my wife. 8 years later we have two children, a lovely home and are very happy. She didn’t just drop into my lap though. I had spent a few months making an effort to go out more and try to meet people that way but also doing lots of online dating. And it worked.

Don’t rule people out after only one date. First dates are often dire. Obviously some people will be obviously not right for you based on a first date but anyone else, at least try a second date. First date is for screening out the ones who are obviously not right for you. Everyone else give another date or two or three to see how they are once first date nerves have worn off.

I wonder if this is me. I really don’t know how to try. I always just thought I’d meet someone and it would click and be easy.

Ok, I don't know you OP and I am not a relationship professional so the following comes from observing my friends and sister.

Say they want a relationship but they are not willing to do OLD. Or do OLD but they come on and off, don't choose dates wisely or are half hearted. Always choose the same kind of man, get way too over invested even though they have chosen the non committing kind because they "don't like nice guys" and then when it all ends quickly they swear to hate men for the next 5 years (on a cycle) or! This last one and next are my sister: they are too picky. Not smart enough, doesn't like Indian food, noisy eater, doesn't know the capital of Congo, said "this or that", I suggested a museum and he said he rather do an art gallery....

Just what I meant but "not trying hard enough"

I used to live in London and for some it doesn't "just happen", it can be very hard to meet people and for me it was a big OLD project! (I hated dating btw, and I had to start looking for nice men which I should have done before)

In london you could go out on a date 3 nights a week. No shortage!

😳
People calm down.
I used to live in London where there are lots of people and so on, so not shortage, but for me with commute and being such a big city, I found it hard to run into people twice if you see what I mean, whilst in the town I grew up, you will meet someone and run into them easily again, which made things a bit easier if you are shy to ask for a number or do OLD

This was me and DHs first serious relationship. I was 33 and he was 40.