Do you think that if you’ve never had a relationship by 30, marriage and kids is unachievable?!

[FedUpOfVienna]

I was at a wedding yesterday and it’s really knocked me for six.

I’m turning thirty in December and I’ve never had a relationship. I had a big wobble at 27 when it seemed like everyone was getting engaged/ married/ settled down and tried OLD. I went on a few dates but I never wanted to meet the same man twice.

I don’t know how it’s happened. I’m a normal person but dating has just totally passed me by. I sat at that wedding yesterday and realised that all my friends have met someone that they think they can spend a lifetime with while I’ve never managed to kiss anyone. How am I ever supposed to catch up?!

Obvious Name Change for this!

OP you sound a lot like me. I’m 35 and haven’t really ever had a boyfriend. I always ALWAYS wanted marriage and 5 kids and assumed it would just happen magically like it did for everyone else but no one showed much interest.

I know now a lot is due to me having low self esteem. I was asked out for the first time at 29 by a decent, handsome but older man and freaked out and stupidly said no. I was so used to seeing myself as the person who never got the guy and thought I must be hideously ugly and I couldn’t view myself as being someone that would be wanted by a man.

I can see now I probably came across as aloof in my teens and twenties and male friends suggest that I’m quite intimidating. Very independent, good career and according to them attractive physically and with a quick, witty sense of humour that not all men like.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself and my biological clock is ticking loudly. I know it’s now or never but I’m scared of OLD mainly because of the fact that, because I’m a 35 year old virgin, I can’t see why any man would want to sleep with me. Why would they when they could have someone experienced? I just find it mortifying - the thought of having to say, “so...I’ve never actually done anything other than kiss.” They would run a mile surely?

I’ve considered not telling them but then that could be awkward and messy. I’ve considered hiring a male escort to get it out of the way but that just feels so cheap and sad.

So I always come to the same conclusion of just giving up and accepting it was never meant for me. It’s painfully lonely and I feel very trapped and sad for the love and sex life I never had.

I wouldn’t give that advice to give up to you though. I’d tell my 30 year old self to get out there and try and make it happen.

I almost had a relationship at 30 but he had avoidant personality disorder and so obviously it didn’t work out. We were friends first though and then we got closer and I fell in love (and he threw me out of bed and ran for the hills 😂). We met as post-grads though - maybe a course or hobby could open new doors for you. Try being friend first and see where it takes you.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself and my biological clock is ticking loudly. I know it’s now or never but I’m scared of OLD mainly because of the fact that, because I’m a 35 year old virgin, I can’t see why any man would want to sleep with me. Why would they when they could have someone experienced? I just find it mortifying - the thought of having to say, “so...I’ve never actually done anything other than kiss.” They would run a mile surely?
You are not the only one out there that is in this position. And if you find the right man, who likes you and is serious about commitment it will not be an issue.
Honestly. If they run a mile because of that then their issue.
Go OLD and if you meet a nice one then be honest. It is nothing to be ashamed of!!!! Not at all.

Yeh i would assume that if you are comfortable with the truth you will at some point meet somebody you can share it with. You could also give a version of the truth and take the loaded significance out of it by saying that it is ten years since your only relationship ended. That wsy, the get what is important, that you dont have much experience and arent havingvsex lightly, but it takes the pressure off them.
Because a player who thinks nothing of treating OLD like a sweetshop might think nothing of sleeping with a virgin, just a tale for the lads "oh great ill pop her cherry".
It will be the decent men who understand that when you sllep with somebody for the first time in both senses that there are going to be feelings involved and that you are going to need it to be a respectful experience. I have an inkling that it is the men who understand that who'd take a step back.

So if you were to trim the truth you wouldnt have owed them the truth about yr sexual history! Bet they wont give you theirs and wont feel obliged to

I did it. There was no-one who went beyond a few dates before I met DW, and I met her when I was 37. Married at 42, DC at 46 and 49. I appreciate that women have a tighter window than men but it should still be possible.

My self esteem is also on the floor. When I tried OLD, I found it very difficult to match with men because tbh, I assumed anyone who I thought was attractive wouldn't touch me with a bargepole.

And then I think that I've waited this bloody long to kiss someone, I'd rather it be with someone I actually liked. Someone posted about giving men two dates and I think that might be something I should do. I found OLD very difficult but I do need to admit that I don't meet men any other way.

I am feeling much better this evening. I found that wedding so, so hard.

Thank you everyone.

I met DH in 2003 when I was 32, married 2004, DS1 2005, DS2 2007. I think you're perspective changes when you're a little older. DH is loving, funny, good company, kind and I love him dearly. I don't think I would have given him a chance when I was younger as we're very different, but I'm glad I matured enough to see his wonderful qualities!

I’ve only had one ltr now 28 and recently been going through the “wobble” that you had. So similar boat to you. So for both our sakes I really really hope that there is a a metaphorical shelf at 30

I’m sure that the perfect chap for you is waiting for you just around the corner

I’m sure that the perfect chap for you is waiting for you just around the corner

Unfortunately I have a truly woeful sense of direction....

I'm 28, have had relationships but nothing that was healthy and good for me!

Well maybe you’ll flag them down to ask for directions.

Op I'm in a similar position. 28 never had a relationship never really ever dated. It's never been a priority or I've been too anxious about getting hurt. My mental health has been and still is quite rocky and I struggle to see that anyone would want to be with me.
It tough because I genuinely do want to be in a relationship.
Hope we both find our partners soon!

Hey OP :) i’m 33 and got divorced with a kid at 30 after 2 short years of marriage and the discovery of his affair (trust me- I feel your awkward wedding pain). With my lovely boyfriend now and starting over again, thinking about having a baby of our own. It’s not guaranteed your peers are getting some fairytale and it’s much better to go at your own pace and meet someone who’s really ready.

Ex-SIL (but she and I refer to each other as bro and sis) and DB were well into their 30s when they met, and had 3 children within 5 years. Although it didn't last, they co-parent well, and the DCs are happy and thriving. Best of all, she met a lovely chap and they married at the age of 50, both for the 1st time. There's always hope, and even better, nice surprises.

I didn't have a proper relationship until I met DH when I was 29. 8 years later we're married with DS and we met online too. It is achievable, don't give up even though I know it's hard

And then I think that I've waited this bloody long to kiss someone, I'd rather it be with someone I actually liked.

I think this is key to a friend of mine who has never kissed anyone, and is my age (mid-40s). I'm no longer in touch with her in any proper way as we live in different countries and lead very different lives now, but when I was closest to her, she didn't do any of the casual flirting with/kissing of men in nightclubs that our friendship group tended to go in for as students, far less casual short-term relationships.

I think initial timidity meant she got typecast as the straitlaced 'sensible' one of the group, and then felt that, not having had those casual, unimportant firsts as a student where you could kiss someone during a slow set in a club and forget you had by the time you crawled into a 9 am lecture the next day, the whole thing blew up into a massive deal and meant that she felt intimidated by starting from scratch as she got older. It meant she discounted herself from a relationships and sex point if view by the time she was 20.

I say this, not as some kind of Dire Warning, but in order to show you that you absolutely have time, if you want to change things up. In your shoes, I would at least consider sleeping with someone I liked in a fairly casual way, purely to give yourself the confidence boost of not feeling like a complete beginner I mean, I would separate the relationship side from the sex side. (I did this myself when I decided to lose my virginity aged 18 I waited until I was in another European country and slept with an older, experienced man I knew I would never see again. I wanted it to be about me, and I didn't want it to be in the context of a potential relationship. I still think it was a good decision.)

Nope!

I met my now DH at 29, got married at 34 first child 38...

The answer is obviously no, since lots of people do all these things in their 30s. 30 really isn’t old - its not the 1800s anymore and we aren’t living in a Jane Austen novel. You’re not quite past your sell by date yet.

Definately not unachievable by any means and I know people who have started dating and married later in life. I really hate this concept that you start dating at bloody 16, get married in your twenties and have 2 kids + a labrador a cat and a mortgage, and holidays every year to France.

Peoples lives have their own ebb and flow. So do not negatively judge yourself or put yourself under undue pressure to achieve thise things.

THAT said my only concern would be that dating later can mean that the propensity to get hurt - without the experience of knowing men and time wasters etc which may have been gained from earlier experience - can be increased. Also a sense of pressure (clock ticking if you want kids)can put stress on a new relationship. I say ask your close girlfriends for advice. As long as you see it initially as exploring another area of your life you should be fine.

As for being a Virgin. Don't sweat. Just make sure it's a sensitive appreciative guy and do not be pushed into sex quickly.

I’d second the not getting hung up on the perfect first kiss. Mine was at 15 with a friend that I did quite like but it was such a let down - I definitely had a “that was it?!” moment. Despite all my inexperience, I’ve since kissed 7 guys but 5 of those were stage/film kisses so not emotional experiences in any way. I didn’t have my first proper “date” kiss until I was 29. Didn’t kiss with tongues for the first time until earlier this year. I feel more confident with kissing now, it’s the other stuff that has me worried.

It’s great that you’ve even attempted OLD - you are far braver than me! I relate to what you’ve said about thinking that no decent man would want to touch you with a barge pole. I’m currently reading a really helpful book about self esteem by Melanie Fennell and it’s helping me to understand that I’ve been telling myself lies for years. You and I are just as attractive as anyone else and deserving of a happy relationship.

@Abhann I have to say you’ve given me food for thought. The virginity thing is like a huge millstone round my neck. I think I’d be far more confident if I could get it out of the way and I’m not that bothered about it feeling “special” or being with someone I’m in love with ... I just want it to happen. I am worried about safety though and don’t know how to guarantee this with casual sex. My friend has invited me to visit her abroad and says she knows lots of lovely guys she’d like to set me up with. Maybe this is the perfect opportunity? I’d never have to see them again...

You are only 30 OP.

Myself and plenty of family, friends and acquaintances didn't meet the right person until 38+.

One thing is to do OLD and go out with everyone for a coffee. If you then think they are human go on 2 proper dates before making a decision.

At the same time tell random acquaintances not close friends and family that you are dating. Then say "yes" to meeting anyone they match you up with. Then do 2 dates with them.

If you are out and about talk to people. Helps get rid of shyness.

The reason I'm saying this is one acquaintance of mine pointed out when you do OLD you must throw yourself into it properly to have the best success and this means also talking to people in RL. People who have followed her advice have met long term partners in RL as well as through OLD and speed dating.

Your friend sounds a lot like me Abhann.

In your shoes, I would at least consider sleeping with someone I liked in a fairly casual way, purely to give yourself the confidence boost of not feeling like a complete beginner -- I mean, I would separate the relationship side from the sex side.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. I just don't know if I could bring myself to do it.

I am thinking about trying OLD again. Christmas/NY has been hard for me the last few years. At least if I try again until November, I can say I've tried, especially if I do suggest/go on 2 dates with each man.

I really do appreciate everyone posting.

@NameChange84, it's worth thinking it over, at least. And an introduction via a friend to someone she's vetted as basically decent but whom you will never have to see again might be a 'safe' and unpressured way of having sex for the first time -- and the foreign environment might help, too.

I honestly think that building up first time sex by having it in the context of a relationship with someone you may be falling for has way too much at stake, purely because it could seem as if it's far too significant. I wouldn't want to be thinking 'Gosh, I'm about to no longer be a virgin' and 'Oh, is THIS all it is? Right' and 'But I think I'm falling for this man -- supposing it always just feels like a slightly odd, larger tampon???' and 'IS THIS THE FATHER OF MY FUTURE CHILDREN???' all at the same time.

Much easier to separate first time sex, or a kiss, from a relationship, or to treat them as two separate issues.

@Abhann: don't forget "Jesus, that's a bloody big cobweb, I hope the occupant's not in the room".

Indeed.