I want it I don’t want it I want it I don’t want it

[Fruityb]

Is this a phase all small children go through? Because if it is I can cope....

My son is nearly three. He saw a pair of trainers he liked and said yes when I asked him to try them. Took his shoe off he refused to try it on. I go to put them back and he says he does. Try it again, pulls foot away; put them back.... repeat.

I ask him to choose a new plate - plastic ones in Sainsbury’s - and he picks one. So I get it. He doesn’t want it. I put it back: he wants it....

New toothbrush - got the Lightning McQueen one but then he proceeded to shout and scream crocodile. Went to swap it and got the fucking crocodile for him to then scream lightning for ten minutes.

He is driving me insane at the moment. I don’t give in and usually just say no resulting in tears and snot and tantrums. But he doesn’t change his behaviour!! It’s like he just changes whatever it is so he can continue bawling at me!

I won’t mention he also refused to put his own shoe back on so I said he had to go in the trolley. The little git then yanked my hair so was sat in the main part of the trolley with one shoe on and still refused to put the other one back on. I was a
Woman on the fucking edge this morning....

He’s generally a really good kid but there are parts of his personality im seeing that I really dislike quite strongly and I don’t know where it’s coming from. He’s good as gold at his childminders - it’s like he does it just for me!

I was giving him two choices when I asked him about his plate - one was a crocodile and one was a lion! I don’t give him choices about everything but thought I was being nice asking him to choose. It’s not like I want his opinion but I just wanted to try and get him involved to occupy him a bit while we were out as he didn’t really want to be there. I don’t ask him for everything! He only gets two options or just asked if he wants one.

Its probably because I pick everything in his life - his clothes, his tea, his lunch... - that I wanted to involve him. I won’t from now on!

I’m exhausted.

You have just described my life for the past year. My toddler is 2.5 and it has been relentless at times. I am.now.starting to see slight improvements in behaviour so I know it will pass eventually but it's very hard.

Ah well if 2 choices is too much then just choose something you know he will like for now. It is nice for them to have a little bit of autonomy but there’s no point if he’s having a crisis about every croc/lion dilemma and it’s way too exhaustIng for you having to deal with the aftermath.

He doesn’t do it to other people because you are his place of ultimate safety. You are the person he knows (subconsciously) he can test his boundaries with. It’s not that they are dealing with him in some brilliant way. It’s just the way a primary carer and toddler relationship works. I know on the face of it it’s hard and seems crap. But it means he trusts you the most.

I dealt with this phase by trying to get into as little conflict as possible. He could make his own choices about things like clothes (even if it meant he left the house looking like a half dressed freaky monster). If he took his shoe off in a shop, fine he went around with only one shoe on.

The shopping thing is the trickiest. I avoided shopping with him when possible If I had to take him to the supermarket we never ever went down the toy aisles! Wait until he is older to let him choose toothbrushes etc. It blows their tiny minds at this age, it’s not worth it.

Tantrums - I used to make sure he was in a safe place. I let him ride them out with as little intervention from me as possible. You can’t stop a toddler tantrum, you just have to let them subside. I honestly found just sitting next to him without getting involved (apart from the occasional gentle word or hand on his back) got him through the tantrum far quicker.

That’s just my way of dealing with it. I’m sure many will disagree with my low conflict method. But it worked for us. I’ve a lovely 4 year old now who rarely tantrums and is great (usually) in shops.

OP imagine you have to choose something you really care about, like what car you buy? That can be an overwhelming difficult decision. That is how your DC feels.
I know the whole give kids choices has become a parenting mantra, but it does depend on their age and personality. I would wait until he starts asking for specific things to give him a choice.

Didn’t mean to be snippy in my response, btw, OP. It’s totally normal for 2/3 yr olds to be indecisive and overwhelmed (and totally do your head in!). Less choice is definitely the answer.

This is normal.
Mine is 2 too.
They can't process things as quickly and you need to pick your battles.
My son wanted the yellow shoes then refused and said the car ones, then back to yellow.
Fine, no big thing, have the yellow shoes.

It is not about giving in, find a balance.

My son then wanted a lolly, that was not going to happen at that time of the day so that gets a no and possibly a small tantrum.

Pick what is important to you and let the others go, because this age is fucking hard!!!!!

You got this OP

And note that I am giving advice when last week I was posting about not coping with toddler life.

We are all struggling

I try to choose my battles carefully at the moment (have a newborn too) and only let my 2 year old make choices between simple things like a yoghurt or fruit pot for example, not things like shoes and definitely not when we're out of the house. I have enough meltdowns to deal with without creating more. It is good practise for them to begin choosing but maybe let him choose between two you have already selected?

I actually cried in Sainsbury’s it was so hard listening to him shrieking at me and just not listening.

My husband doesn’t get it because he doesn’t do it - he very very rarely has ds on his own and it’s just so hard. He just said to me on the phone “well he’s going to he’s two” and I just want to scream at him.

I love my son so so much but I find it so so hard. Dh works late and leaves early and even when I’m at work it’s me doing the morning and after school (I’m a teacher) bits.

I know I just need to pull my socks up but it’s so unbelievably relentless and I find it difficult to hear people say “why would you do that” as if I’m letting him play with the oven or something!!

This too shall pass....

We went through this when ds just turned 3. It went on several times a day for a few weeks until I got tough. He made his choice and then was allowed to change his mind only once (I figured we all change our mind sometimes) but I explained to him that it was the last time he could swap. He has a very good understanding so I felt fine doing this. Tantrums at first until he realised I was not giving in at all then after a few days he stopped and had been fine since. It was hard being consistent though.

I don’t think it’s realistic never to give choices, he could clearly see the options on the shelf/knows what shoes he has etc so would decide to have a choice for himself if that makes sense?

Good luck, hopefully it’s a short phase for you!

Oh and yes I remember the screaming in the supermarket too well! The turning point for me was when ds was screaming red in the face after we had been back 8!!!!! times to swap between strawberries and raspberries. Dreading this stage with ds2

Honestly OP parenting toddlers is hard and we are all just winging it. My youngest is 16 months and I feel on edge waiting for the terrible two's

I get that you think it's nice for him to have choices but don't do things that make your life harder. I often give dd choices that I know the answer to, so I'll say "what do you want for dinner, spaghetti Bolognese or Brussels sprouts?", bolognese is already simmering away on the hob. She's not actually choosing dinner but she thinks she is plus it gives her a little giggle. Just be sure of what he's going to pick otherwise it could backfire.

It's definitely a phase and you're not "making a rod" (WTF?) It seems even worse when you're tired and/or hot so you have my sympathy :)

As others have said it's because he wants both and he doesn't know which to pick. If you are ever feeling particularly patient it can help to empathise with this "Oh it's hard to make a choice." And if you stick to a choice that can be undone, rather than one which can't, you can work on it from that angle too. "Do you want to wear the green t-shirt or the orange one?" "DS, it's OK, you can wear one today and one tomorrow. Which one would you like to wear today? And which shall we put aside for tomorrow?" It is common advice to let them make some choices on non-important things so they get a bit of a sense of control.

I really rate How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, there is a Little Kids version too, the main one is OK from 3, better from 4ish. Can't remember if it talks about making choices but probably does, because this is so common.

Oh sorry missed he is still 2 - then the little kids version is better.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01LZYOXLZ/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

You do sound exhausted OP, I get it as mother to a very similar aged DD. She is pretty much an angel with her dad, grandparents, childminder I get nothing but compliments from strangers/shopkeepers on how polite and well behaved she is - but alone with me she often gets defiant, stroppy and rude (I get called 'Bad/Rude Mummy' a lot). I think it's because she is most secure with me, and so feels safer pushing and testing boundaries it is probably the same for your son. You want to let them exercise choice, but it's a tough balance when they are just working decision making and consequences out for themselves. I personally think it sounds like you are doing everything right, it's just so tough and no one wants to be a disciplinarian when you were trying to do something nice. Eventually they will make the cognitive leap and it won't be a problem anymore.

Definitely a phase- you're doing the right thing not giving in to constant change of mind. Hope 3 is better.

It IS relentless and bloody exhausting at times. DD reserved her worst behaviour for me and now her little DD does the same with her and is an angel with her DGPs. They seem to know what is most likely to get a reaction from each person. DD used to slowly hold things up to her mouth (beyond the stage she generally put ridiculous things in her mouth) as she knew I had a thing about her swallowing stuff. Never did it with anyone else. DGD reserves the worst of her eating \table manner shenanigans for DD&DSIL because they are the ones it really riles. She knows I’m not going to be overly bothered so there’s no point trying.

You do NOT need to pull your socks up. Toddlers are amazing but totally draining. They’re like little volcanoes just ready to blow over just about anything, at any time and when you have the least energy to deal with them. Don’t beat yourself up. Anyone who says they find it easy peasy all the time is telling a whopper.

Choosing is hard and its a skill they have to learn. Let him practise a little at a time. If the the first choosing hasn't gone well don't give him another so when the trainers didn't go well cut your losses and either pick a plate for him or leave it for another day.

As PPs have said help him to learn to choose by giving red cup / blue cup choices at home give him the first he asks for and if he tries to change his mind say no - you can have the red cup next time.

As adults we forget how hard it can be to do things when they are new to you. My DH is in the forces and when he is fresh back from deployment and hasn't had to make decisions for months I have to dial back the choices for him (a 40 something man). I can't ask what do you want for dinner tonight? in his first few weeks back I have to go for would you prefer A or B. He very quickly falls back into "adult" mode but for a few weeks I have to remember not to give him open ending choices.

Like all childhood phases this to will pass and one day you'll have a strange nostalgia for it (because it will seem like a breeze compared to a child will an iron will who knows exactly what they want and won't be swayed or distracted).

2/3 year olds are weird hence the terrible twos and threenager references mine came out the other side around 4

Normal sorry!

To defuse the meltdown, focus on being there for him. Be a calming soothing prescence while the emotional storm passes. When he gets into that sort of state he is literally out of control and it's scary for him. Toddlers don't have the brain structure to manage their emotions like adults do. You have to provide the safety and structure for him. Just be patient and he will calm down. The choice or item itself is just a red herring, the meltdown isn't really about that, it's about the intense emotions and conflicts he's feeling and he needs your help to manage them.

Meltdowns are always more likely when already tired, hungry, thirsty, stressed/over stimulated etc. Also at transition points between locations and activities. Try not to offer choice at those times but give a 2 minute warning or a snack/drink to help him.

My 2yo is exactly the same OP. He's currently asking to go in the garden and then straight away back inside (clearly has been taking tips from the cat!). I just take the path of least resistance - I'm pregnant, it's hot, he's 2....currently that means sitting on the doorstep so he can go in and out as he pleases. With choices, I'd give him fewer or easy outs as pp have said. Toddlerdom has always been hard work, you're not doing anything wrong!

@katniss I totally understand your 2 year old. He wants to go out, then realises how hot it is and wants to come back in.

Oh I remember those days.... online shopping - I didn’t take dd to the supermarket for about a year. I gave her barely any choices at all (she still finds it hard to choose at 14...) I used to sit next to her whilst she had her daily 3:30 tantrum. The total inability to wait for anything. Choose your battles. We just went to the park a lot and did masses of water play and generally kept her as busy as possible.

You should choose shoes and toothbrushes for now, it’s all a game for a while.