Can you ever have a truly happy marriage if you partner has Aspergers?

[OneOnMyOwn]

Firstly, I've name changed for this and I really don't mean to offend anyone, I'm just a bit lost today and I need some help. I'm sorry if it's a bit of an essay...

DH has Aspergers and although we rub along nicely day to day, sometimes the adjustments I have to make for him just get on top of me.

He wrongly perceives my facial expressions and body language all the time, often complaining that I'm being aggressive when I'm just talking normally ( it's often when I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want to do, like clean something). He has special interests and will choose to do these over all else. We could literally be going out the door and we he start doing the thing that interests him, which is very frustrating.

I love my husband and he is a good person, but due to the way his brain works, he will often leave me feeling very alone. We had a disagreement last night which resulted in me being in tears (this is very unusual) but because he has no need for physical or emotional interaction, instead of coming upstairs to see if I was ok, he stayed downstairs and did his special interest until I was asleep.

The thing is, he isn't doing it on purpose. He is a good man who would be mortified if he knew his behaviour was making me feel bad, but he literally can't help it! I can't say to him 'you're brain is making you behave in a way that makes me sad' because he can't do anything about it and it would make him feel like shit.

I have to organise everything as he can't deal with changes to routines. I plan every holiday, pack every bag, buy all the food and clothes for us all ( we have DC). He does look after the DC but will often refuse to help out around the house. He eats from the same mug and plate etc, so will wash these up, but will complain about any other dishes. It's the same with clothes. He hates having clean sheets, so will just refuse to change them. I do everything and feel like I'm having to support myself emotionally too. It's the same with sex. He likes it a particular way and literally cannot recognise that I might want something different. It's that way or nothing and so we rarely do it. No cuddles or kisses unless it's leading to sex. Occasional hand holding (for a few minutes) if I instigate it, it it's usually met with

I realise that I'm portraying him to be a bad person, I really don't mean to. He neurodivergent, through no fault of his own, and normally I'm ok with doing everything I can to make his life easier, but it's just all just a bit much today....

And don't feel you need to hang around doing the autistic spouse a favour by staying with them. Autistic people value honesty, so we'd probably rather know if we've outgrown our usefulness or entertainment value.

Exactly, Welltrodden.

I can't say to him 'you're brain is making you behave in a way that makes me sad' because he can't do anything about it and it would make him feel like shit.

The OP sounds very understanding and considerate of her husband, to me. Focusing on the title of her OP without listening to what she has to say, is very unfair.

Oh cry me a river. Unfair? Ffs.

Op dump the dead wood husband. He's obviously not fitting the bill any longer so just ditch him.

if my partner told me that my brain was making me behave in a way that made him sad, even if he then told me that its ok because he knows i cant help it, Id think he was a patronising arsehole. I may be autistic, but im not a fucking charity case.
I think me and my partner have better communication than a lot of people I know. We HAVE to have. I like to talk. I want my relationship to work, and so does he. We have had dips and troughs of being more into each other than at other times, bordering on obsession for each other, and then we really piss each other off. Now we talk.
Im pretty sure my partner has alexithymia which makes things more challenging at times, but I also now recognse this in our daughter, and parenting her has taught me a lot about him.

If you want it to work though, and hes not that bothered, or is taking you for granted, then you will have to make him understand that he has to actually make a bloody effort too

@ineedaknittedhat she doesn't want to 'dump the useless husband' at all! She loves him! She's asking for support to find a way to make it work for both of them (which she isn't getting from you, by the way)!

I don't think that the 'marriage to a black person' comparison is at all relevant, by the way.
It's more like a teetotaller/alcoholic married to a wine connoisseur, or a diabetic married to a pastry chef.

Jesus pickleme, wow. so you really think autistic people are that different. Almost toxic to "normal" people?

I don't get where the toxic comes from. People can be incompatible with each other without anyone being toxic.

These threads often remind me of how my husband takes what I think are innocuous comments. The other day I said 'I'm shattered I haven't sat down all day.' and my husband went off on one. I was baffled until he calmed down and explained that he thought I was getting at him because he sits down all day at work and that my comment meant that I thought he didn't work as hard as me because he sits . I was just expressing the fact that I was tired, it wasn't about him at all.

He often thinks the worst of me like that, these threads are the same people always thinking the worst of everyone.

Absolutely not, Branleuse! The pastry chef isn't toxic to the diabetic! They will need to organise their marriage around having different needs. I used to accommodate DH's special interest, he accommodates my desire to do something other than his special interest. If we hadn't negotiated that at some point we'd not have lasted 25 years.

YY panda!** Impossible to have a conversation because one party leaps to pick fault with what the other says.

someone with aspergers to a neurotypical, is like an ex alcoholic living with a wine connosieur, or a diabetic married to a pastry chef...
Thats why i said toxic.

I mean fucking hell. We are not a different species. We are not out there coming into your life and fucking it up.

Look at the relationships board. Im sure most of these cheating arsholes and abusers are not autistic

So, OP, how is this going for you? are you cheered up by the tales of people who have negotiated their way to a successful marriage, or does the nitpicking and bickering between the NT and ND posters give you the other answer?! 😂

@Branleuse do you want a proper conversation about this? I'm happy to keep talking in pm or on a different thread if that would interest you. I just don't want to take over OPs thread explaining what I mean.

So should we make allowances for neurodiversity or not? Is it stereotyping to do so?

not especially pickleme, i should probably just hide the thread, as constant/frequent threads by NT people who feel sad about their autistic partners, or NT parents who everyone feels so sorrry for because they have autistic children, does get to me after a while

thanks though

OP, if you genuinely don't want to offend people, why don't you ask Mumsnet to change the title to something that doesn't write all autistic people off as potential spouses? Seriously, why don't you? Do you not see that it could be seen as offensive? And if you don't, then perhaps you struggle to get it right just as much as your husband?