Can you ever have a truly happy marriage if you partner has Aspergers?

[OneOnMyOwn]

Firstly, I've name changed for this and I really don't mean to offend anyone, I'm just a bit lost today and I need some help. I'm sorry if it's a bit of an essay...

DH has Aspergers and although we rub along nicely day to day, sometimes the adjustments I have to make for him just get on top of me.

He wrongly perceives my facial expressions and body language all the time, often complaining that I'm being aggressive when I'm just talking normally ( it's often when I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want to do, like clean something). He has special interests and will choose to do these over all else. We could literally be going out the door and we he start doing the thing that interests him, which is very frustrating.

I love my husband and he is a good person, but due to the way his brain works, he will often leave me feeling very alone. We had a disagreement last night which resulted in me being in tears (this is very unusual) but because he has no need for physical or emotional interaction, instead of coming upstairs to see if I was ok, he stayed downstairs and did his special interest until I was asleep.

The thing is, he isn't doing it on purpose. He is a good man who would be mortified if he knew his behaviour was making me feel bad, but he literally can't help it! I can't say to him 'you're brain is making you behave in a way that makes me sad' because he can't do anything about it and it would make him feel like shit.

I have to organise everything as he can't deal with changes to routines. I plan every holiday, pack every bag, buy all the food and clothes for us all ( we have DC). He does look after the DC but will often refuse to help out around the house. He eats from the same mug and plate etc, so will wash these up, but will complain about any other dishes. It's the same with clothes. He hates having clean sheets, so will just refuse to change them. I do everything and feel like I'm having to support myself emotionally too. It's the same with sex. He likes it a particular way and literally cannot recognise that I might want something different. It's that way or nothing and so we rarely do it. No cuddles or kisses unless it's leading to sex. Occasional hand holding (for a few minutes) if I instigate it, it it's usually met with

I realise that I'm portraying him to be a bad person, I really don't mean to. He neurodivergent, through no fault of his own, and normally I'm ok with doing everything I can to make his life easier, but it's just all just a bit much today....

People with autism don't have as much empathy as a neurotypical person.

Not true. It's a sweeping generalisation and a stereotype.

DP says it's possible to have a happy healthy relationship with an autistic person.

Figured since it's the NT perspective you're after I'd better ask him, since I'm the autistic one.

OP, my late DH and I both had Asperger’s. We had an idyllic marriage.
The condition is not an excuse for bad behaviour or a “get out of jail free” card for chores.
I think you, (possibly because of your job), have become your DH’s carer rather than partner. You may have a people pleasing mindset, and like looking after them, but this has got out of hand, to the point that none of your own needs are being met - apart from your need to feel useful!
I’d recommend taking DH to couples counselling, as a neutral third party mediator can be hugely valuable in preventing the discussion degenerating into a row, or DH avoiding answering.
You need to put the whole relationship on the table and renegotiate it. And you need to learn to assert, to express your needs and insist they are met equally with DH’s. He needs to accept responsibility for managing his condition within the family - he is not a hermit and he needs to learn to compromise.
I found with my own DH that we weren’t intuitive - we each had to spell out what we needed. But we were both very logical and pragmatic, and it worked. If we were expecting guests, I would divide up what needed doing, and DH would happily go off and clean toilets or whatever - but he would never have noticed they needed cleaning on his own!
If you previously had a more loving relationship with your DH, then you know he is capable of this. His present behaviour suggests selfishness, because you have let him get away with it for too long. He may well be milking his autism for a cushy life.
It’s certainly worth trying to turn this round, OP, before throwing in the towel. Aspies can make lovely partners - I still grieve my wonderful DH 27 years after his death. Good luck.

Have you considered marriage counselling with someone who is skilled with ASD?

I couldn't take it any longer and separated from my autistic husband earlier this year. It was the nothingness I couldn't deal with any longer. Our dc completely fulfil him and he had no need for me after that really.

Good luck

My husband has Aspergers (or rather autism as it's all asd now isn't it?) and sometimes it IS hard. When he hears me but doesn't listen because he can't empathise well and forms an outcome for what he THINKS I'm saying before I've said it. When he seemingly completely overreacts to minor minor irritants. When we make a plan and it has to change.

But we have a very very happy marriage. He tries and as much as his asd is frustrating for me, my nt ways are frustrating for him. All of what I've said above can be easily written from his perspective " we made a plan and now she wants to change it even though I've spent ages meticulously planning all the minutiae surrounding it and she just keeps repeating that we can't do it! I don't want to do anything else after having spent so much time and effort planning y!" (There's usually a good reason like not being able to go hiking now that it's slashing down and thundery with two small children) "Why can't she understand that buying bread in the wrong shape means it doesn't fit properly in the bread bin, it doesn't fit my ham or the toaster? I've told her that I don't like it and it feels so dismissive and frustrating that she still gets tiger loaf! Surely she can go without this one thing to help ease my anxiety?" (No. I can't go without tiger bread, he still has his square loaf but the mere presence of my loaf really irritates him) Etc etc.

I think all marriages asd/nt regardless are about compromise and living with anyone is hard and takes patience and understanding.

People with autism don't have as much empathy as a neurotypical person

This is categorically untrue. Some with ASD have less empathy, some have more - what’s consistent is that their family members / partners tend to believe they have no empathy when that’s not the case. This was one thing to come out of a recent large scale survey of autistic people and their families.

My twins both have ASD and I have no idea if they’ll ever be able to live independently. After learning so much more about it, it seems like that both DH and I are also autistic but presenting very differently and not with the same challenges our children have. Obviously I don’t know that for sure, but some of the difficulties we both have can cause issues in our marriage, but overall we are happily married.

People with autism don't have as much empathy as a neurotypical person
Actually many of us do. We just show it differently.
And OP - seriously, why would start a thread just to slag your son off? I'm calling bullshit and reporting.

Friar- I think you've got the wrong end of the stick- it wasn't op who mentioned her son. She is discussing her husband who she hasn't slagged off at all

The OP is asking for support. They are not autism-bashing.

My DH is undiagnosed but definitely on the spectrum. Life is hard with him at times but he has many great qualities. He definitely pulls his weight around the house and is a great dad.

The hardest thing to live with is how introverted he is.
DH has a lot of empathy and when I've told him his actions have upset me, he feels awful. He just doesn't realise that he's upset me unless I tell him.

His lack of understanding tone of voice is difficult at times but he can't help it. My humour is very sarcastic and he just doesn't get it. He never knows when someone is joking. This can be hard to live with at times.

At times we all need support. DH doesn't accept that he may have autism but so many people have assumed he has a DX, it's not just me that thinks he has.
I don't agree with autism bashing but when you need support, you have as much right as anyone else on here to ask for it

Friar- I think you've got the wrong end of the stick- it wasn't op who mentioned her son. She is discussing her husband who she hasn't slagged off at all

Mumsnet is going screwy today, mixing up the order of the posts, (also deleting posts and thread I'm on is not working). I wonder if that happened here?

Thank you to those who have read my op who have offered their support. I'm absolutely NOT bashing anyone on the spectrum, or any other SEN. I have 10 years experience and high level qualifications in the field.... I was just looking for a bit of support in how to get through a difficult time.
Pp who said that their DC completely fulfilled their DP has really resonated with me. I often think DH just wanted children and I was the convenient uterus. That's probably really unfair, but that's how I feel. I'm still feeling very low today. DH and I have barely spoken due to him having commitments last night (related to his special interest), but I think thats fine for him. He likes it when I'm quiet as then he doesn't have to interact with me and can do his own thing.

Oh fuck, I'm sad today.....

@FriarTuck the OP hasn't slagged off her son at all, that was another poster.

She's not slagging off her husband either, she's asking for help.

OP, my DH has Aspergers and I recognise some of what you say. It can be difficult. But when it gets really tough I remind myself that it's tough for him too, because he simply can't understand why I may be pissed off about something - usually something that I'm actually not pissed off about, he will just think I am. It's tough for us both sometimes.

Do you think there may be more to it than his Aspergers?

i have aspergers and i strongly suspect my partner does too, and I'd say we are happy, but i think both of us have needs and difficulties which make some aspects of relationships more challenging than I imagine two neurotypicals would be, id also say that all relationships have their challenges when youre both trying to meet each others needs while meeting your own too, and for many autistic people its quite hard to navigate both of those things.
Me and dp often have to have talks about what works and what doesnt, and what we need. We dont always get it right and we do fall out here and there, and also maybe crucially, we dont live together despite being together for 14 years and having children together.

I think when autism is part of the picture, you may have to do some things somewhat unconventionally to make it work. If you want someone who doesnt have autistic challenges, behaviours or difficulties, then maybe choose a neurotypical partner.
Ive learnt so much from my partner and he is a wonderful person, but he is definitely a pain in the neck about some stuff, and so am I.

I do think this is a fairly offensive thread title though, and it is quite hurtful to see so frequent threads on how awful autistic adults are. We are becoming more accpting of autistic children, but you know, when it comes to who you partner up with, you do actually have a choice here. We are not charity cases who you just put up with because we have a disability or a difficulty. These things arent going to go away. You work around it and find out how to make your OWN relationship work

Mumsnet is going screwy today, mixing up the order of the posts, (also deleting posts and thread I'm on is not working). I wonder if that happened here?
I was definitely answering another thread!!!!! Not quite sure how but at least I'm not the only one. I was answering one that started with the 'OP' slagging off her son for being autistic and hoping he never married. And that was her reason for posting. I was NOT responding to this OP! It's like being in an episode of Star Trek Voyager where they pop between alternate universes because of a time-space continuum.

And the post I was replying to thinking it was the OP isn't even visible on here..... (in the universe I'm in anyway)...

I think it's very very different in each case.

My XH had Aspergers and was tactile and loving and emotional (but very housework avoidant). He had a very high level of self awareness, which made it easier to live with him, although his emotions were very geared around himself so his empathy was low.

My current DP has lack of empathy, tight food tolerances, hatred of new things, struggles with all changes etc. He is very hard to live with, because of his lack of self awareness. There is no intimacy, sex is all there is, take it or leave it. So we have a semi-detached relationship, he is aware of it but simply can't change.

I wouldn't stay with someone so inflexible. I understand they may not be actively choosing or trying to be difficult but the impact on you, op, is the same whether he means to be difficult or not. Its time to think of your own happiness.

Why are you still with him @Zaphodsotherhead? Sounds like you're unhappy and he seems hard to be around.

I'm absolutely NOT bashing anyone on the spectrum, or any other SEN
With a title like that you can't be surprised though that people are offended.

@FriarTuck , you're thinking of the post at 7.37 which has been deleted now.

I've been married 25 years now, and we've found our way through. Some times were so tough, though.

It's taken adjustment on both sides. I thought he was constantly angry with me because of his manner which comes across as grumpy. It's a joke among friends and family that the most positive he gets is "it's alright I suppose"- considered high praise from him!

He's empathetic in a way- other people's emotions overwhelm him, he doesn't know how to fix them, so he shuts off from it. He also doesn't think people should be upset about things that he thinks are not upsetting. He struggles that my emotions are not the same as his especially if he fancies a shag.surely I do too?!

Once I adjusted my expectations, we were ok. I wouldn't have married him if I'd realised how it would go, to be honest.

I have many, many autistic traits (never pursued a diagnosis) and DH can struggle. People have told me that my face and tone don't match what I'm saying so it causes miscommunication. I also don't always react in the way a neurotypical person expects and it can upset DH, especially if I don't seem happy/excited about something he has done for me.

We've been together for 7 years though so it's just a case of finding what works for us.

It's the "can ANYONE be happy with an autistic spouse" title which is so incredibly offensive.

Because the message there isn't "I need support, I'm unhappy in my marriage to this person ", it's "I assume that every autistic spouse is shit". And yes, that is "bashing".

Can you imagine being allowed to post this sort of shit about any other group on mumsnet?

But then all autistic people are just a homogenous mass of awfulness apparently. Without empathy or feelings, according to some people on this thread.

But lots of people have come on to say, yes they can!

Wouldn't it be odd if a social communication disorder didn't make marriage tricky, though?

Yes, mine’s been going for years.
The key points have been that we both use words to explain and express exactly what we mean, rather than inference and telepathy, stick to what the specific problem is, we don’t get over emotional when arguing, and that we accept and like each other for what we are most of the time.
Compromise is tricky for him, but he makes an effort and my arguments are more effective if based in logic. He’s stepped way out of his comfort zone a number of times. Overall, the positives have outweighed the negatives considerably.