Can you ever have a truly happy marriage if you partner has Aspergers?

[OneOnMyOwn]

Firstly, I've name changed for this and I really don't mean to offend anyone, I'm just a bit lost today and I need some help. I'm sorry if it's a bit of an essay...

DH has Aspergers and although we rub along nicely day to day, sometimes the adjustments I have to make for him just get on top of me.

He wrongly perceives my facial expressions and body language all the time, often complaining that I'm being aggressive when I'm just talking normally ( it's often when I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want to do, like clean something). He has special interests and will choose to do these over all else. We could literally be going out the door and we he start doing the thing that interests him, which is very frustrating.

I love my husband and he is a good person, but due to the way his brain works, he will often leave me feeling very alone. We had a disagreement last night which resulted in me being in tears (this is very unusual) but because he has no need for physical or emotional interaction, instead of coming upstairs to see if I was ok, he stayed downstairs and did his special interest until I was asleep.

The thing is, he isn't doing it on purpose. He is a good man who would be mortified if he knew his behaviour was making me feel bad, but he literally can't help it! I can't say to him 'you're brain is making you behave in a way that makes me sad' because he can't do anything about it and it would make him feel like shit.

I have to organise everything as he can't deal with changes to routines. I plan every holiday, pack every bag, buy all the food and clothes for us all ( we have DC). He does look after the DC but will often refuse to help out around the house. He eats from the same mug and plate etc, so will wash these up, but will complain about any other dishes. It's the same with clothes. He hates having clean sheets, so will just refuse to change them. I do everything and feel like I'm having to support myself emotionally too. It's the same with sex. He likes it a particular way and literally cannot recognise that I might want something different. It's that way or nothing and so we rarely do it. No cuddles or kisses unless it's leading to sex. Occasional hand holding (for a few minutes) if I instigate it, it it's usually met with

I realise that I'm portraying him to be a bad person, I really don't mean to. He neurodivergent, through no fault of his own, and normally I'm ok with doing everything I can to make his life easier, but it's just all just a bit much today....

Because the message there isn't "I need support, I'm unhappy in my marriage to this person ", it's "I assume that every autistic spouse is shit". And yes, that is "bashing".

I don't think that it says that they assume every autistic spouse is shit. Like picklemepopcorn says when you throw a disorder that affects communication in a marriage of course things can awry. It's nothing to do with anyone being 'shit' as you so nicely put it.

My husband has asd(diagnosed before anyone goes off on one) and isn't shit. He has massive problems with communication within our marriage, it would be called stonewalling in any other marriage, but he literally can't get the words out to express himself. This means for example that if I have an issue within our marriage I am unable to just sit down and talk about it because I say my piece, wait for a response and he is unable to process it all and come up with a response. Of course this makes things difficult. Things that could be resolved in a 5 minute conversation take weeks sometimes to resolve. Not because he is shit but because he has a disability.

Pretending these issues don't exist, policing peoples words to the point where they feel like they can't talk about it for fear of saying something 'wrong', really doesn't help anyone.

Pretending these issues don't exist, policing peoples words to the point where they feel like they can't talk about it for fear of saying something 'wrong', really doesn't help anyone

There's way to do that without a title like this, title helps no one, it is wrong and its offensive.

Here here, @PandaPantaloon !

Those of us who are NT in a marriage with someone with ASD have very few opportunities to "think out loud" and process what we are struggling with.

If I tell people in real life, not only am I breaking trust by talking about him, but they tend to say 'men are like that/he's useless, leave him' which really isn't helpful.

Trying to describe the difficulties that crop up in personality relationships without making one person sound like a dick is hard enough, without people jumping all over you and policing your language.

Panda my dh does this, but I have no real reason to suspect he is on spectrum but it drives me up the f wall as well.

You know it's hard enough being autistic and single never mind reading thread titles like this. My ex husband was a narcissistic bastard and he was a whole lot harder to live with than me and my autism. Hopefully I'm not that unlovable that I'll never be able to marry again or share my life with someone without making them miserable because of my neuro divergence. Thanks for yet against showing how intolerant of the feeling of autistic adult MN can be.

Oh and every doubt that I have about how I can be a good partner for parent is totally reinforced reading stuff like this. I await all the ensuing post defending the OP and how difficult it is for her. Try navigating a NT world as a non NT adult.

surlycurly I don't think anyone doubts how hard it is to be non NT in this world .... but this doesn't mean that NT people have no right to seek support for their struggles

OP is having a hard time, and deserves to be allowed to work that out in this forum

I await all the ensuing post defending the OP and how difficult it is for her. Try navigating a NT world as a non NT adult.

You can cleary see that the OP acknowledges how difficult it is for her husband to 'navigate a NT world'. She does this every day when she makes adjustments for him because of his disability. Absolutely nobody is saying it is easy for those with ASD.

People have rights to ask questions, seek help. Can they do that without being dehumanising and offensive? Yes.

I think you need to talk to him. He can’t help the way his brain works but he can help his behaviour but you need to tell him straight. I’m sure you wash plates up that you haven’t eaten from. My ex had asd and I let him get away with more than I should due to it at first but seems everyone in his life had tip toed around. I do remember saying ‘asd isn’t an excuse to be a prick’ I learnt from that and another friend with it to just tell them what you need. He needs to know when your upset in the future you want comfort, that he has to help with the dishes etc

People with autism are all different like any other people so you cant really generalise about autism and relationships. Some people with autism have perfectly functional marriages.

That said you aren't wrong to be affected by his behaviour and to have emotional needs of your own. His suffering due to having autism in an NT world doesnt mean you are just a carer who only exists to meet his needs. The top trumps approach to disability doesn't really help anyone.

Relationships only work with some give and take. Is he likely to want to work on this relationship?

It does. But the lack of sensitivity to people with ASD is pretty hurtful too. If I started a thread saying 'is it possible to be happily married to a neurotypical person?' I'd be told not to make sweeping generalisations and the it depended on a variety of factors. But it's ok the other way around, especially when I have to see a support thread for people married to people with Aspergers already? And have you read the comments on that? They pick at the habits of people who have little control over behaviour which, if they abandoned them, would be hideously anxiety inducing. Clearly we are not always easy to live with. I understand that. But many people aren't and they have a choice. There are elements of my disability I can't do anything about and to read on a forum, again, that this is shit to live with may help the OP but it just reminds me how little support and understanding there is in the wider world. Everyone in this situation has a choice. If she doesn't like it then she can make alternative arrangements for her future. But to focus on things like him using the same plate all the time as an example is demeaning. You may not understand it and it may seem childish but it's almost necessary to him. NT people have annoying quirks and habits that make them difficult to live with too.

OP I hope you find a resolution to your unhappiness but be clear about blaming the disability and not the man, and vice versa. And the title of your thread is pretty ugly. It's made me feel sad on a day when I wasn't. Just another reminder of how different the world sees me to be and how I'll always be seen as someone with a problem rather than just being respected for the person that I am.

Surly, it wouldn't bother me at all if you started a thread called "is it ever possible to be happy married to an NT person?"

I'd check you were ND, then leave other ASD people to answer you based on their experiences with NT partners. (I'd probably lurk to find out what DH thinks, hoping you'd have an insight into things he finds hard to express.)

I'd be really interested in an ASD parent's perspective on their NT children!

But to focus on things like him using the same plate all the time as an example is demeaning.

See this is where I gets confusing and makes it so difficult to post anything about asd/nt relationships here. She said that he only washes his own dishes not the family dishes too, then complains that the family dishes aren't washed. Can you explain how this is demeaning? I would love to be able to discuss the problems in my relationship without being jumped on for using the wrong language so maybe if you explained why something that seems innocuous to me is demeaning to those with ASD it would be really helpful to help us understand.

Asd is a big part of my life. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Your not a monster for thinking it’s not the biggest gift to mankind either as mumsnet wants you believe either. For some balanced advice you can contact some of the asd charities. That’s why I left the SEN boards here year ago.

I’m sure that 99.9% of people who live with those with asd have zero challenges. But some of us do.

Mumsnet thinks you need to put up and shut up, how very forward thinking for them?

I don't see why people with ASD couldn't talk about their relationships with the NT people in their lives either. People should be allowed to talk about their experiences.

The only thing wrong with a marriage to an autistic is how much the autistic person is expected to tolerate from the ignorant beliefs about their autism from the nt spouse.

There, stick that in your pipe and smoke it everyone.

Mumsnet thinks you need to put up and shut up, how very forward thinking for them?
No they just don't think you should lump all autistic people into one group of ooh can you be happy with them, who fucking knows as we're all different, our autism effects us in different ways different emotions, we are people, same as NT.

Whats unforward thinking is to think lump one group of people together like the title

A HFA adult knows that they are different. Particularly women. I have spent my life picking up that my stims, special interests and self soothing behaviours are seen as odd. So I manage to mask them to a huge extent out in the world. But doing that at home is sometimes just beyond me. There are times when I don't want to have to do things for other people. Or see the logic in it. But as a single parent, and someone who knows that this is part of my condition, I have to counteract it. Small behaviours, like the dishes, to him may seem logical. He's looking after himself and still following the rules (eg you need to Wash up after you eat), but he simply doesn't have the mental headspace to do the rest. The routine of doing what he needs to gives him comfort, but he can't provide the extra. But then he comes along and sees the mess and gets stressed by it because it's not the way it should be. Not logical to you but to me it makes perfect sense. If you are balancing it out for him then he won't have to stop this behaviour and there will be the relief that he needs from those activities. Eg, he follows his routine and keeps himself right and doesn't have the additional stress of doing more than he feels he can. Unfortunately I don't get that relief and my body reacts accordingly. I'll end up ill and going into shutdown. Being a parent at these points is almost impossible. But I have to. So seeing online how shit it is for other people, despite knowing the personal cost that can accompany not going into total shutdown is both demoralising and depressing.

Ineedaknittedhat, but isn't that just generalising NT spouses?

Try substituting 'autism' for 'black people' and see how offensive that is.

Autistic people are fucking individuals. Nt people are not the superior species. Autistic people are not domestic animals to have rehomed once they're deemed to be too much of a nuisance.

And half of what the OP said in her first post could apply to my selfish Ex H. And he was NT and just a bit of a dick. Hence the ex.

Those of us who are NT in a marriage with someone with ASD have very few opportunities to "think out loud" and process what we are struggling with.

well this is a board with a great deal of autistic adults here too, and its public, and "just thinking out loud" your ableist ponderings about whether someone with aspergers can EVER make someone happy may be something you have a legal right to do, but your relationship issues are your own. Hopefully you werent forced into marriage. Hopefully you didnt rush into a marriage before truly knowing someone, and hopefully noone is forcing you to stay.
Aspergers can be relevent if you expect them to act like someone without aspergers, but of course aspies can have happy relationships if they work at it and can put someone else first at times, same as anyone else

@ineedaknittedhat thank GOD you understand how utterly offended I am when I read something like this. I face enough difficulty with people disagreeing that I'm really autistic because I don't match their perception of it to then read this and have to shrug it off too. (NHS diagnosed for the record).

I wonder if people realise that autistics have a shorter lifespan than the rest of the population. Or that we have much higher rates of suicide.

We're not creatures to be tolerated.