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Original poster

Year 6 daughter upset over secondary school choice

58 replies

Catz444 · 19/07/2019 23:05

My daughter is beyond upset that she is going to a secondary school where none of her year 6 class mates are going. I think we have made a mistake in taking her away from her classmates of the last 6 years. She is devastated. She is already saying she may not make friends in September (she is frighteningly shy). I regret our decision. Has anyone been there of in the same position. Already thinking of looking at changing to the secondary that the majority of kids are going. Please share your thoughts.

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 19/07/2019 23:09

There are 3 children left my son’s form , 2 moved into his class ( end of year 7)

I would go with it now . Even if she got in the same school unlikely to end up in the same class

HoneysuckIejasmine · 19/07/2019 23:11

I think it depends why she's not going with her friends in the first place. Do you not live in catchment? Is it a selective school?

Toomanycats99 · 19/07/2019 23:12

My daughter was the only one going to her school. Slightly different in that she seemed to be really keen on that idea but did have a few wobbles near the start.

Honestly it's been fine - she made friends day 1. She also has her old friends outside school so different circles to meet up with.

From the ones of her class that went to the same school (14 of them) I am not sure that many of them actually hang around together at school anyway- they move on and make new friends.

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Kez200 · 19/07/2019 23:12

What was the reason behind your application for this school?

Chilledout11 · 19/07/2019 23:12

What was the reason in the first place?

ChicCroissant · 19/07/2019 23:14

Is this a school that you have picked over her wishes OP, just wondering about your comment 'I think we have made a mistake/I regret our decision'. What where your reasons for choosing that school?

Has she had a taster day at the new school, how did that go?

PenguinsRabbits · 19/07/2019 23:15

If there's not much difference between the schools would put her on waiting list of ones friends are going to.

Yubaba · 19/07/2019 23:17

My dd has just finished year 7 and she’s not friends with any of her year 6 class anymore. Most of them have gone on to new friendships tbh.

SarahTancredi · 19/07/2019 23:17

Going to a school alone is a daunting prospect. However it can also be the best thing.

Dd went to school knowing no one. This proved to be blessing in disguise.

Secondary school is a huge change. Kids all try and find their place. Some will be busy trying to become top dog.

Dynamics change. Kids make new friends and this can be inhibited by trying to maintain old friendships on top. Trying to carry old friends whilst making new ones and trying not to hurt feelings, leave people out etc is hard work.

Give it a chance op she will soon have her own little group of friends

Titsywoo · 19/07/2019 23:18

It's tricky. Both my DC moved to a school where none of their friends were going (we moved half way through primary school but left them there as it was only 3 miles away). DD struggled (although she didn't have loads of friends at primary) and never managed to break into any of the groups of kids who knew each other. She is very shy and sensitive though - many other kids in the same situation were fine. DS has been fine and has made lots of friends. In fact it's been good for him as he was getting sick of the kids from primary.

Why have you chosen this school? Is it better? If not I'd be tempted to send her where all her friends are going but I'm biased after a bad experience. She could easily go to the school her friends are going to and fall out with them all!

gubbsywubbsy · 19/07/2019 23:27

Why didn't you choose the one where her friends are going? My dd was the same and I let her choose which school she went to and she wanted to go with her friends so that's what she did . She wouldn't have coped socially in a new school.

Mumtolittletorchers · 19/07/2019 23:38

Coming from experience I was a painfully shy child and I went to a school where none of my friends were going but guess what I met new friends and I am still friends with them to this day , nearly 33 btw she will soon forget her old friends

PenguinsRabbits · 19/07/2019 23:44

We moved to new area last September so new school - daughter is very sociable and quickly made friends with half the school. Son is shy and still hasn't got a friend after a year, he does play with children there.

Friends child is shy and went to same school as friends and they have all stuck together which is nice.

SadOtter · 19/07/2019 23:48

Was she happy with the choice up til now? Emotions are running very high right now, I've dealt with a lot of kids crying because they aren't going to the same school as somebody else. I wouldn't second guess yourself if her being upset is a new thing.

I went to a secondary where I knew no one, it was a chance to reinvent myself and worked out brilliantly but I remember being shit scared in the weeks before I started. I remember feeling sick up til morning break but I had made friends by the end of the day, we are still friends at 30. Internet means she can keep in touch with primary friends if she wants to, you can arrange meet ups, so she isn't losing her friends.

notangelinajolie · 20/07/2019 00:00

My parents moved house twice while I was at secondary school, I was painfully shy but wasn't traumatised by it. Doing new things and going to a school where I knew no one was hard but it's a life lesson and it made me stronger.

We live in a Grammar School area where kids go far and wide to several schools after primary. My DD was the only one from her primary going to her school but she was fine.

You made your choice of secondary for a reason - stick with it.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 20/07/2019 00:53

This has more-or-less already been said but:

a. Is it as easy to 'just' change your secondary school choice at this stage? Because where I live, there was hot competition for places at practically every secondary school (basically, all except the one in special measures) so moving schools at this point wouldn't really be a viable option.

b. EVERY 11 yr old in the country is nervous about starting secondary. Two of the biggest anxieties are geography ("how will I know what class room to go to?") and friendships.

c. There will be some that struggle, but the majority of children WILL make friends in their first days/weeks/term.

d. Even in a secondary that a lot of kids from primary go to, they'll be all mixed up and won't see that much of each other, esp in class.

I'd recommend bolstering your child's confidence and doing lots of reassurance and then seeing how things shake down in September. If you still want to consider a move then, then go for it.

There WILL be children who don't turn up for their allocated places (moving or getting into private school are common reasons why round here, and I expect that's a national picture). If the parents don't cancel the place, the school is required to keep the place for that child for 20 school days, so there WILL be some movement towards the end of September. Therefore, there will be an opportunity for movement in September if you think that's necessary.

Again - to echo PPs - why did you choose the school you chose?

FrenchFancie · 20/07/2019 05:51

I went to a secondary school where I knew no one. Like a pp said, I was terrified up til first break and then I started to make friends, most of whom I’m still friends with 30+ years later.
It will be fine. There will be many many other kids in the same situation, an you can spend the summer working on her resilience. I also recommend telling her to be proactive about finding friends - to be the kid that walks over to the other kid standing alone and talk to them.

FrenchFancie · 20/07/2019 05:52

Oh and to add, my Dd is younger at the moment but we are looking at a move at the start of year 6, and then again at the start of secondary, so we’ll have to deal with this ourselves soon!

Pineapplefish · 20/07/2019 06:12

She’ll make new friends OP. This happened to my DS and there were times early on when I did regret it, but now (two years later) I’m very happy with the decision.

Original poster

Catz444 · 20/07/2019 16:08

My reason was… this is a brand new secondary school opening sept 2019 with 120 kids intake year 7. A number of factors came to mind, small intake, shy daughter, head teacher talks, quality teaching time being first year kids and no other years there yet. Possibly less distraction. My daughter did well in sats so it's not the subjects if learning. Even today she's asking if she can change in September. A few others applied for the school (separate application) but don't know if they were offered.

OP posts:

LIZS · 20/07/2019 16:13

Has there been no induction? Sell it as everyone has a fresh start and opportunity to make new friends. Even if she moved with people she knew the intake is so large that no guarantee of being with them or staying friends.

LemonBreeland · 20/07/2019 16:18

She will obviously be nervous but I think you should stick with it.

DS1 went to high school with all of his year group, we live rurally so no choice really, there were 60 kids in his year and one year later he was only friends with 2 of his old friends.

Original poster

Catz444 · 20/07/2019 16:22

@gubbsywubbsy I was trying to be practical and not making our decisions on where friends were going. I saw a brand new school as a fantastic opportunity and DD agreed at the time too. In fact she was all excited when we were ordering the uniform too. She had a taster day and was ok afterwards. It's hit her now that everything will be different in September. Her social skills are going to be tested in September.

OP posts:

oldenoughtobehavebetter · 20/07/2019 16:24

She's processing the loss at the end of term OP you need to help her cope with it. On her last days of school she will have had more to process than the others, whereas her friends will have been saying to each other "see ya in September" etc.

You need to separate these temporary, normal, healthy feelings and nerves about the unknown from whether you think the new school really isn't going to be right for her

Ps are you also processing all of the above too? I found the end of primary quite emotional myself

CarolDanvers · 20/07/2019 16:25

My dd went on to a secondary where only two others from her year were going, not even her class so she didn't know them all that well. Almost all the others went to the nearby school, which is literally across the road from the primary. Five sets of parents have told me they wished they'd done what we did and made a clean break as the dynamics from primary just transferred to secondary with some of the issues even intensifying. DD's journey is a PITA tbh. Traffic is so bad that a 10 minute drive can take half an hour but I am still glad we made that choice for her and she is too.

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