Year 6 daughter upset over secondary school choice

[Catz444]

My daughter is beyond upset that she is going to a secondary school where none of her year 6 class mates are going. I think we have made a mistake in taking her away from her classmates of the last 6 years. She is devastated. She is already saying she may not make friends in September (she is frighteningly shy). I regret our decision. Has anyone been there of in the same position. Already thinking of looking at changing to the secondary that the majority of kids are going. Please share your thoughts.

@SadOtter - I agree...emotions are very high at the moment with the end of term.

I would not be keen on a brand-new school with only one intake, but is there any space at the school her friends are going to?

When my (very quiet) DD moved from infants to juniors they were keen to get her mixing with a range of children from all the years, in after-school clubs for instance. Her secondary school is very big (our first choice had a similar intake size to yours actually) but it does give them more chances to make friends and they do a lot of visits and activities.

If she does things outside school already I would be less worried but otherwise it seems a bit limiting because for the next year she will be entirely stuck with the same people and teachers! Did they have an induction day?

FWIW, making new friends was the bit my own DD was absolutely dreading about secondary school but that was actually one of the easier bits for her. She didn't move with any of her close friends either (like a PP it's a selective grammar area and the pupils are scattered far and wide) and I do appreciate how you must be feeling because I've been there myself and it's not easy!

I would not be keen on an untested brand new school either - I also think its useful for children to have older children around in higher years so they know more what to expect.

If it was me I would put her on the list for the school she wants with her friends unless that school is really awful.

I think in either school she would succeed academically, however, a smaller school with less kids would be a rare opportunity. Can only wait until Sept or the first term and see how things pan out.

My dd has just finished Y7 and, apart from a couple of boys from her y6 class, knew no one. She's very shy and academically able to. She's really fitted in and made loads of new friends. When I spoke to her form tutor she said she never knew that and you couldn't tell.
By contrast, another girl from her y6 group got "the school of her dreams" where her older brother went. She hated it and changed within 2 weeks.

Its part of an academy and its sister school is rated "outstanding" 270 intake.

No other children went to the same secondary school as me, as I went to an out of catchment private grammar. I made friends quickly once I arrived. If the school you’ve chosen is better for her in some way, stick to your choice.

I want her to succeed at her chosen secondary, but perhaps its not the end of the world - kids can still move school even up to the end of September or end of first term. Not ideal but at least its an option.

Thank you everyone for your messages. Going to bolster her up throughout the summer.

Do what you can to help her confidence, particularly physical activity. Just help her to kick back and relax.

It may be too late now to change schools, but it’s worth asking. I hope it works out ok for your DD, I am sure she will make new friends.

It may be worth enquiring how many pupils they need on roll, as we had a new school open a few miles from where we live, unfortunately it closed at short notice, as it just couldn’t get the numbers, to be fair this was probably because we have a well established secondary school rated outstanding.

Good luck OP, it’s a stressful time.

She is already saying she may not make friends in September

That's what you call a self-fulfilling prophecy. If she goes in there with an "I'm going to hate it, be miserable and not going to make friends" then she will be miserable.

You have summer to work on her attitude and positivity.

I find when they go up to secondary school they are infrequently with their friends from primary, most make new friends anyway I remember my eldest saying I had to be friends with them at primary as otherwise I'd have no friends I don't need to be friends with them now.

Most kids find new friends at secondary school,My goes to the local Catholic secondary ,half his primary school class went to the marginally better a l( on paper) CofE school and the other half to his school, he's just finished year 7 and has a whole new group of friends .

I would sell it to her as a positive that she has the best of both worlds: new friends in her new school and old friends that she can catch up with outside of school without the pressure of school dynamics.

My DD went to a school with only one other girl who she barely knew (who later left to go to another one) and so had to make new friends - like your DD is quite shy in making friends and making 5e first move. The first week was a bit hard as lots had "already made friendships" from local feeder schools but I encouraged her to make an effort and ask if she could join a group at break which she did and they did and were super welcoming as lots in same boat and she's now year 10 and still friends with these girls but has made other friendships too through GCSE choices but still shy at making first move.

Do some role play with her and being happy and smiley really helps too. My DD is always kind to new girls who are shy too and some of her best friends have been new girls or foreign students who come for 6 months whom she has buddied up with. I still have to encourage her to make an effort and not "flog a dead horse" so to speak with girls who aren't bothered.

I am sure there will be plenty of brand new girls who know no one going to this school and your DD will clock them pretty quick as they'll be sitting alone and quiet most probably so she can make a start with them. Give her topics to encourage conversation eg which school did you come from? What outside clubs do you do? Encourage her to join after school clubs like gymnastic or dance or a sport or choir as she'll meet lots of other girls who she'll then meet in class and she'll have someone to sit with that's a friendly face.

Don't feed into her anxiety as she'll notice it. Be all bright and breezy and matter of fact. I had to as she knew no one and was crying saying she had no friends so I did what I suggested above and by the 4th day she came home (off school bus) all smiling and happy as she'd met a lovely group of girls and hasn't looked back. I'll be honest with you and say I felt sick with worry for her, as most mums would be when their DC is crying saying they hate school, but I had to stay calm and be strong for both of us and fortunately my little pep talk / role play helped.

4 of my 5 DC went to a secondary school where they knew no-one at all. All of them were fine. The one who went with classmates had brand new friends before the end of the first term. They don't tend to end up in the same class anyway. Staying with friends is the very worst reason for choosing a school.

We had this last year with DC5. In floods of tears every night, hysterical about the idea of not being with her "friends". First day at new school, everyone else in the same boat, got loads of new friends. Primary never mentioned again.

Like yours, everyone else in the class save for 2 or 3 were all off together to the local school, and tbh, that's why she didn't go there. It was a chance for her to reinvent herself and start again, and she has blossomed.

My dd went to the same school as the majority of her Y6, but she was placed in a class where she knew 2 children: 1 from primary (but not in her friendship circle, nor from her form group) and 1 from outside school. She was horrified and devastated to learn this on the induction day towards the end of Y6. She was also quite a shy, unconfident child.

We framed it as a marvellous opportunity for a new start. For one thing, she would no longer automatically be the class geek (she was teased for enjoying studying ). She would not be constrained by existing friendship groups and have to cope with jealousy from others when she made new friends, or feel hard-done-by if her old friends made new friends before she did.

It worked out really well. Took her a term or two to settle in. By Feb half term she was involved in several extra-curricular activities, and immediately made new friends.

Agree, let her process. If you explore changing options, don’t tell her. But your anxiety will feed her anxiety.

I’m worried about my dd changing schools for sixth form for similar reasons, but actually it will probably be the making of her.

To reassure you, my Ds who is very shy, went to a secondary school where he knew no one. There were lots and lots of children in the same boat. He made friends very quickly with children in his form and children in the lesson groups that he was in.

In contrast my Dd went to a secondary that nearly all the girls in her Junior school went to. It was their policy to split up children that had been to the same school so that there were no more than two girls in each class that knew each other. If I recall, there were about a third of pupils that didn't know anyone. She soon made friends with girls in her form.

Granted both these schools are large London secondary schools, but I am sure that there will be plenty of singletons in your Dd's new school.

Emotions are running high at the moment. It's suddenly hitting them that everything will be different in September and every single child is suddenly out of their comfort zone.

Our primary is 90 kids, most are going to the nearby secondary. Even so, only 1 other person from her class will be in her tutor group! She already made friends on the open day and she is not a natural extrovert. It's the school policy to shake things up and to give opportunities to make new friends.

There will be plenty of other children in the same situation and she will make friends. Is there any way of getting in touch with other parents at the new school to meet up in the summer if it would help?

This happened to my very shy DD. We made it clear from mid way through year 5 that the school nearly all her friends were going to was not in our opinion a good choice for her and the reasons for that, which she was on board with. No one from her primary went to hers but she knew one or two others a bit from Guides etc. Through year 7 she carried on seeing all her primary school friends at various activities and just meeting up but gradually started making new friends at her school too, she has settled well and is fine with it.

I'd keep her where she is going tbh.

It was policy at my high school to put only 2 kids from each school in the same form. By the end of year 7 everyone had found new friends.

There are so many kids in high school that you can really find your people, you tend to stick with friends in primary because there are only 29 other kids to choose from.

I say this as someone who had huge social anxiety who was very shy.

My son's secondary sent a list of questions that kids and parents could discuss over the summer and how the child could deal with it.

For example there were questions like
What if the homework is too hard?
What if I don't make friends?
What if I don't know where to go?

And the child would suggest solutions like

• I will ask my friends. I will ask my teachers. I will use the school map that I got on induction day etc

My son was very nervous about going up to secondary. He had older siblings at the school but was sure that he'd never find friends and dismissed my suggestions that y7 would have plenty of boys who would like the same things as him like computer games and funny YouTubers. He is shy and has had no problems finding similar boys.

Do you know anyone already at the school? I think that hearing from another student can be more reassuring than hearing from adults.

I think that this will be a long summer for your dd but chances are that she will be fine when she realises that everybody is in the same boat and starting from scratch. I would stick to the school she's got and pray that the holidays go fast so that she can see for herself the positives of secondary.

Can you find other children who will be in her form? Perhaps start a post on local FB groups or is there a parents group set up? If you could arrange a few meet ups over the summer to help start up friendships, that might help.

In my experience primary school friendships rarely survive y7. Kids meet others and puberty/hormones mean that personalities and behaviours change. One of ds' close friends in y6 changed a lot in y7- starting backchatting teachers, picking fights, developed an interest in girls... which wasn't how he was in y6 at all. He calmed down in y8 but he's not really close friends with Ds anymore as they've found friends who are more in sync with where they are.

DD1 is superbright and shy, only one from her school who went to her secondary. 2 years on she is flying. Has finally found "her tribe" (other geeks) and is so happy. Could not be better pleased with our choice. It's our choice for DD2 too.