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Original poster

how would you handle this behaviour from 13yr old DS?

82 replies

inesj · 16/07/2019 10:35

I've just had a message from school that my DS has not registered today. It's the end of term and he was moaning last night about going to school as "we will just be watching films". We said, as you do, that he has to go to school, don't be silly.

He's generally quite a good lad. Not particularly rebellious but full of hormones and attitude as 13 year olds are. He's never done anything this duplicitous before and I'm a bit nonplussed really. I think I'm shocked, I wouldn't have thought he would do this; it feels so out of character.

I've tried phoning him, but he's switched his phone off. I want to ground him for the rest of his life, but that might be a little dramatic.

I've just bought him a load of new clothes for the summer. They're off the table now, until he's earned them back through chores and good behaviour. No phone and grounded for a week, plus a talk about responsibility and respect.

Does that sound about right?

OP posts:
Aram1nta · 16/07/2019 10:40

I'd probably go with the big talk, bollocking him and doing the whole puzzled and disappointed thing

I wouldn't remove his phone or ground him - purely because once you start going down the road of removing privileges , you raise the stakes and end up with them backed in a corner with nothing to lose, so behaviour gets worse

So, for a relatively first offence, I'd be having him up the school explaining himself, I'd have a serious sit down talk and I'd say ' if we have one more episode of this, you will be punished by removing XYZ, so please consider this your first and final warning. Are you clear on what I expect?' Depending on his attitude to this, I'd probably consider it job done

Aram1nta · 16/07/2019 10:41

I also wouldn't withhold the clothes. What do they have to do with what he's done? Try not to be heavy handed - chucking everything at him.

Alonglongway · 16/07/2019 10:42

I wouldn’t do all 3. Pick 1-2 of the punishments that you think will get through to him without escalating a massive battle. You want this to be a one-off, not the beginning of a bad habit. So he needs room to feel a bit stupid but come back from it without too much loss of face. Loss of face is massive for teenagers as I’m sure you know.

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Aram1nta · 16/07/2019 10:43

Oh and I have an almost 13 year old! He's very good, not rebellious at all and is doing well at school. However we do see some flashes of attitude which he immediately apologises for so right now I'm sticking with disappointed talks when he does something im unhappy about

Daddylonglegs1965 · 16/07/2019 10:45

It’s difficult to know when DS was a similar age last day of term he bunked off a school church service (no doubt egged on by his mates) and I got similar call from school (he had good record at the school etc). I was in work and DH was on way to his mothers. When I spoke to him on the phone he was most apologetic and I was quiet instead of loosing my shit as I have been known to do I said I was disappointed in him more than angry. Quiet disappointment no punishment and worried as to what DH would do when he got home seemed to work wonders. When DH spoke to him on the phone he had called him a xxxxxxx idiot.

isitwhatitis · 16/07/2019 10:46

I'd be taking him to and from school and delivering him to the office.

Original poster
inesj · 16/07/2019 10:47

Ah that's interesting....does it really sound too over the top?

I'm running on irritation and disappointment at the moment, so that's probably a fair assessment!

That's good advice, thank you. I think I'll go with grounding him as that's going to have a real effect - he's quite the social butterfly - and I do feel that I need to put down a marker that this behaviour is not going to fly. At all.

OP posts:
PepsiLola · 16/07/2019 10:48

You have two issues here.

Bunking off
Not answering phone

Bunking off I would give I talk to/disappointed convo. Is he in school tomorrow? If so take him in and let the school punish him.

Not answering phone, I would remove his phone for a week (maybe less but definitely the weekend). It would bother me more than he hadn't confirmed he was safe.

BusyEvenForBee · 16/07/2019 10:48

I agree with Aram1nta. Kids are tired at this stage. My 12 year old ds always moans at the end of term, as the schools tend not to do much and kids are bored. You son is probably testing the boundaries.

Removing the phone, grounding and not giving clothes are too strong as a punishment in my opinion. I remember myself in teen years, we all tried to skip school...Also, could be peer pressure if a few of them went AWOL.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 16/07/2019 10:48

His school wanted him to go back a day early but we were abroad but they put him on litter picking duty on the Friday of the first week back in his breaks and lunch which was humiliating for him. He hasn’t put a foot wrong since at school but we have had our moments at home.

BiscuitDrama · 16/07/2019 10:50

Have you spoken to school about it? Will they punish him?

GlassSuppers · 16/07/2019 10:52

You need to find out why he didn't want to go. Is there a deeper reason?

Find out the reason why before you punish. I bunked off school A LOT because I was being bullied badly and I never told anybody about it. It was always worse at the end of term because they had nothing else to focus on and it was hellish.

If my mum had sat me down for a chat about why I hated it so much things could have worked out differently.

Please ask before you punish Thanks

totallygrey · 16/07/2019 10:53

Grounding sounds like suitable consequence in this case. Along with reminding him your expectations that he goes to school whatever is on and that from safety point of view you need to know where he is. (Not about being a child point out that you all do that for each other.)

If you can avoid losing it with him and being calm but firm all the better!

Original poster
inesj · 16/07/2019 10:54

I haven't spoken to the school yet - I'm embarrassed if I'm being honest. It's the last day of term today, so the punishment would roll over to next term. I expect he'll get a detention - they're notoriously strict.

OP posts:
Original poster
inesj · 16/07/2019 10:58

Sorry to hear that GlassSuppers - that sounds horrible.

I'm pretty sure (based on last night's moaning) that DS just wanted to bunk off and sit in the park with his mates.

I'm really, really, pissed off with him that he's turned his phone off. That's a no.1 rule for us - knowing where he is and that he's safe.

OP posts:
Helenluvsrob · 16/07/2019 11:00

Do you know he is safe right now ?
That’s my 1st thought. You can’t get in touch and he’s not at school. You think he’s bunking off but where IS he ?

Bobbyflay · 16/07/2019 11:02

My 13 year old has Sports Day on the last day of term. I am half expecting them to bunk off or at least leave early. They wouldn’t do it on a normal day but they hate sports day and aren’t good enough to participate. The school expects everyone to support their team mates though.

I will punish them by grounding for a day and giving extra chores. Mainly because if they aren’t at school then I don’t know where they are.

adaline · 16/07/2019 11:03

Do you know he's safe?

HollowTalk · 16/07/2019 11:05

The problem with grounding him is that you will get to suffer. I know it's effective in one way but he'll stay in and moan and moan all the time till you feel like you're going mad. (Or was that just my family?!)

Tableclothing · 16/07/2019 11:05

He's 13.
He hasn't turned up where he's supposed to.
He's not answering his phone.
I would make the police aware, tbh.

isitwhatitis · 16/07/2019 11:07

I wouldn't ground him as you want home to be somewhere they want to be, if he's having to go to school when he doesn't want to and having to be at home when he wants to go out then he's got everything to rebel against and nothing to enjoy or appreciate.

GlassSuppers · 16/07/2019 11:09

Glad to hear it @inesj let's hope it's a one off and he learns his lesson!

Could you take his phone/games console away for a week?

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2019 11:11

Am I the only one who wouldn’t actually want to go nuclear over bunking off the last day of term? Blush

Soola · 16/07/2019 11:12

Last day of school is always crap when you’re a teenager. I used to bunk off and when my children were at school I said they didn’t have to go in.

However, I knew mine wouldn’t go in so knew where they were.

They’re adults now.

You don’t know where your son is so it’s different. That is what I would be annoyed with him for, not saying where he had gone off to.

No idea why you would take clothes away as a punishment, that’s just odd.

As he doesn’t usually give you any problems I wouldn’t come down too hard.

When he comes home I would have a chat about you need to know his whereabouts. No phone and grounded for a week is excessive. You will just have a resentful son at home bothering you all or risk him escaping with no phone on him.

I would get him to do something at home. Hoovering the whole house. Mowing the lawn. Something physical that he won’t particularly enjoy.

Soola · 16/07/2019 11:13

@BertrandRussell snap! It was a non issue with me and mine are adults and are doing fine!

Last day of school is rubbish.

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