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Original poster

how would you handle this behaviour from 13yr old DS?

82 replies

inesj · 16/07/2019 10:35

I've just had a message from school that my DS has not registered today. It's the end of term and he was moaning last night about going to school as "we will just be watching films". We said, as you do, that he has to go to school, don't be silly.

He's generally quite a good lad. Not particularly rebellious but full of hormones and attitude as 13 year olds are. He's never done anything this duplicitous before and I'm a bit nonplussed really. I think I'm shocked, I wouldn't have thought he would do this; it feels so out of character.

I've tried phoning him, but he's switched his phone off. I want to ground him for the rest of his life, but that might be a little dramatic.

I've just bought him a load of new clothes for the summer. They're off the table now, until he's earned them back through chores and good behaviour. No phone and grounded for a week, plus a talk about responsibility and respect.

Does that sound about right?

OP posts:
dancemom · 16/07/2019 11:15

Skipping school would earn a grounding from me.

Turning off the phone would earn a phone confiscation

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2019 11:17

When he gets home have a serious chat with him about turning his phone off if it’s a family rule that he doesn’t. Be disappointed. Apply a bit (not too much) guilt about you being worried. Then draw a line.

Livebythecoast · 16/07/2019 11:20

When you say 'message' from school was it a text?.
I had one the other week "DD has not registered for school today, please explain their absence ".
I rang school panicking, they checked and said it was a mistake; her first lesson teacher didn't mark her in, sorry! I was thinking all sorts.
This might not be the case with you but it's just another thought

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IncrediblySadToo · 16/07/2019 11:25

He’s generally a good kid so I’d just do the ‘disappointed’ routine (with difficulty though because I’m still a teenager at heart and days stuck in school watching crap movies when you could be outside with your friends is rubbish!)

But for not answering the phone I’d be confiscating it for a week or so They have them for my benefit & their enjoyment - they know the rules about turning them off/ignoring my calls. Chose to ignore the rule? Suffer the consequence. If I’m not getting the benefit - they’re not getting the enjoyment 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ring the school though, putting it off isn’t helping 🌷

spaghettipeppers · 16/07/2019 11:26

I think you’re overreacting- no one goes to school on the last day.

stucknoue · 16/07/2019 11:30

Ideally the school would have a good punishment for the whole group (presuming they are all at the same school) I suspect the teachers are in this week still so a spot of litter picking or classroom reorganisation, manual work! Beats any home punishment

Punxsutawney · 16/07/2019 11:34

I think I would want to know where he actually is this morning. That would be my immediate concern.

LoafofSellotape · 16/07/2019 11:35

So, for a relatively first offence, I'd be having him up the school explaining himself, I'd have a serious sit down talk and I'd say ' if we have one more episode of this, you will be punished by removing XYZ, so please consider this your first and final warning. Are you clear on what I expect?' Depending on his attitude to this, I'd probably consider it job done

That's sounds about what I'd do but not answering his phone is a biggy as you don't know he's safe because you have no idea where he is. I would remove his phone for a couple of days just to hammer the point home.

mbosnz · 16/07/2019 11:41

I would text him and tell him the school had contacted me to say he was not in school, and we would be discussing this when he gets home. And the longer he stays out of contact, and away from school, the less he will enjoy that discussion. And that if I were he, what I'd be doing is getting my arse to school, right this minute.

Original poster
inesj · 16/07/2019 11:45

Just left a message with his school, so hopefully I'll get a call back this afternoon.

He's switched his phone off, because they're not allowed it on at school, so I expect it will magically work again at 3pm, when his little peabrain will assume that I think he's back online.

Oh, I'm a horrible mess of annoyance and worry/concern.

Deep down, I know he's OK and I can even guess who the other children he is with are, as well. But it's just knowing exactly where he is, I hate it. Actually, that's a point, I should text a couple of them to see if they're in the same boat.

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 16/07/2019 11:45

Bunking off on the last day ? I used to do that regularly ! Forget the multiple punishments - give the poor kid a break . Give him "the talk" and move on.

Original poster
inesj · 16/07/2019 11:46

not the children - their parents.

OP posts:
saraclara · 16/07/2019 11:50

Yep. Only one punishment. You need to keep other things in reserve for when he does something worse!

I'd go for grounding. A grounding on the first day of the holidays will be pretty grim for him.

Soola · 16/07/2019 11:56

his little peabrain

Charming way to think of your son.

With a snotty attitude and horrible opinion of your boy I can imagine far more rebellious times ahead.

BlueMerchant · 16/07/2019 11:58

I'd need to know who he is with and what they are doing.
Definitely get on the phone to his friends' parents. I'd be relieved to know he's with friends.
If he isn't then I'd be going out of my mind.

BlueMerchant · 16/07/2019 11:58

There would be no clothes and no phone for a few weeks.
And definitely a stern talking-to.

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2019 12:01

“so I expect it will magically work again at 3pm, when his little peabrain will assume that I think he's back online.“
Grin i’d send him a text about 5 minutes before the time he’s due home. So he has that awful heart sink feeling as he approaches the door.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2019 12:02

I remember messaging my DD when she did this that if she didn't call me back in 10 minutes, I was calling the police as I had no idea where she was and she could be in a ditch somewhere.
She soon called back and went and got her and took her to school giving her the whole lecture about how disrespectful it was to the teachers, blah blah blah.

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2019 12:05

OP - what punishment would you impose if he had done something really bad?

Bobbyflay · 16/07/2019 12:11

@betrandrussell

I wouldn’t go ballistic but I’d just be worried that I didn’t know where they were. If they said to me “ I’m not going to school because it’s last day of term and it’s watching films etc.” Then I’d let them stay home.

SpinsterOfArts · 16/07/2019 12:11

I almost always used to skip the last day of term. It was either 'fun' sports activities, or watching films - and you'd never get to actually concentrate on watching the film because some people would chat the whole way through it. I was once told off for reading a book when the end of term film was on because I was supposed to be watching the film. They didn't tell off the talkers. Confused

The only difference was that back then parents didn't get notified about one day's unexplained absence. So I always got away with it. It made zero difference to my education because nothing educational happened that day.

This really isn't something I'd make a big deal of or punish for.

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2019 12:14

Do you always know where your 13 year olds are? Don’t they go into town with their friends after school?

LoafofSellotape · 16/07/2019 12:22

Don’t they go into town with their friends after school?

Hopefully not when they're meant to be in school Wink

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2019 12:24

“Hopefully not when they're meant to be in school wink”

Well no. But it’s the worry about not knowing exactly where he is I am trying to address.

Soubriquet · 16/07/2019 12:25

I would be walking him directly to the school door and making sure he’s there until he proves he can be trusted to go to school