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Original poster

how would you handle this behaviour from 13yr old DS?

82 replies

inesj · 16/07/2019 10:35

I've just had a message from school that my DS has not registered today. It's the end of term and he was moaning last night about going to school as "we will just be watching films". We said, as you do, that he has to go to school, don't be silly.

He's generally quite a good lad. Not particularly rebellious but full of hormones and attitude as 13 year olds are. He's never done anything this duplicitous before and I'm a bit nonplussed really. I think I'm shocked, I wouldn't have thought he would do this; it feels so out of character.

I've tried phoning him, but he's switched his phone off. I want to ground him for the rest of his life, but that might be a little dramatic.

I've just bought him a load of new clothes for the summer. They're off the table now, until he's earned them back through chores and good behaviour. No phone and grounded for a week, plus a talk about responsibility and respect.

Does that sound about right?

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 16/07/2019 12:26

I would be worried for sure if he was meant to be in school and he wasn't.

ElizaPancakes · 16/07/2019 12:26

I wouldn’t come down as hard as you suggest either, I think it’s important to hammer home that he said he didn’t want to go and you explicitly said he had to, and that he deliberately made himself incontactable. I think an ‘I’m so disappointed’ conversation and maybe grounding for a period. Just depends on whether you can enforce that now it’s the holidays!

Livelaughloveyuk · 16/07/2019 12:28

Have you actually checked he isn't at school? The message may of been sent in error?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
BertrandRussell · 16/07/2019 12:30

i’m obviously a terrible mother!

TakeOneForTheBreem · 16/07/2019 12:35

I'm another one that would do a "I'm very disappointed" face but I don't actually care.

I skipped school a few times to doss about with mates and my mother never even knew. It's pretty normal behaviour (and I was one of the sucky up goody two shoes kids.)

As for not knowing where he is, he's 13. Not a toddler. We used to go the entire day without constant radio contact so not sure why we suddenly think it's police worthy now that a kid has skipped school.

Bookworm4 · 16/07/2019 13:02

Last day? Calm down, virtually every teenagers done this, have a chat phone off him when he gets in, give it back in morning.

Janus · 16/07/2019 13:10

Last day I still wouldn’t be happy about it but I wouldn’t be overly mad either.
HOWEVER, as you don’t actually know where he is this I would be mad about. I am a worrier and would also have made up scenarios about being snatched on the way to school etc so there’s just no way I could let this go.
So I would text him that if he doesn’t reply to your text or phone call just to let you know where he is (something with that and ‘we will talk tonight’) soon you will be out looking for him and he won’t be happy when you find him.

FredaFrogspawn · 16/07/2019 13:19

You aren’t a terrible mother Bertrand. It’s the curse of our modern times that everyone thinks they have the right to know where their teens are at all times. So dull when you’re of the age where you’re meant to be breaking away from childhood.

Give him a telling off and put the new clothes away for a day or two. Tell him you trust he will never, ever bunk off an actual teaching day or you’ll go ballistic. Then drop it.

mbosnz · 16/07/2019 13:30

My 13 year old goes into town, I have a rough idea of where they are, they know what time they're expected back, and they know that they are to be contactable at all times, and to tell me if they're going to be late.

Bunking off on the last day - not the end of the world, but I would not be giving any kind of message that it's okay to bunk, because, give an inch, take a mile.

First it's last day, then it's sports day, then it's any day with PE, then it's any day they don't want to take a test or they've fallen out with friends (having been there, done the detentions. . .)

MoltonSilver · 16/07/2019 13:37

Talk to him first and find out why he did what he did.

Original poster
inesj · 16/07/2019 13:41

So it was sent in error - he is in school, phew.

I’ve had some really good advice here - thank you. I’m going to take away that I need to think about my over reactions and what are appropriate limits.

I’m also feeling suitably guilty about maligning my poor DSBlush

OP posts:
Ariela · 16/07/2019 13:42

At his age I'd do the 'extremely disappointed with you' talk. In that you have always given him the freedom to come and go because you trusted him to say where he was who he was with and to attend school without asking.
Then I'd allocate a suitable punishment(s) that infringes upon his freedom eg early curfew, no getting there and back under his own steam - you take him you pick him up 15 mins early, him phoning to let you know he is OK at certain specific times when he DOES go out (just enough to be suitably embarrassing amongst his friends) and insist he has to earn the right to be trusted again.

Hoppinggreen · 16/07/2019 13:44

That’s good that you know where he is and is safe but I would be furious with school for panicking me like that

mbosnz · 16/07/2019 13:44

Phew!

And no, it's understandable that you thought as you did, given the combination of your conversation about the last day of school and being contacted by the school to say he was absent!

sashh · 16/07/2019 13:45

He's probably 1/2 elated at bunking with his friends and 1/2 terrified of your reaction.

Send him a text saying you are disappointed but not angry.

A conversation about bunking and not being contactable and what would happen if you or another member of the family needed to contact him.

As for punishment.

I'd do an 'internal exclusion' but at home. Make him wear his uniform and spend a day copying out a book and doing maths papers questions.In silence with a toilet break and a meal break.

IncrediblySadToo · 16/07/2019 13:48

Oh don’t feel bad - it’s the stupid schools fault. It’s irresponsible of them to tell a parent their child isn’t st school when they are. Yeah, mistakes happen, but FFS

At least you don’t have to start the holidays off on a bad note now!

To make up fir the maligning & Lea brain commence t that he’s nit even aware of 🤣you could cook him his fav tea or get s takeaway tonight

Mainly to ease your guilt 🌷🥂🍫

MrsJBaptiste · 16/07/2019 13:48

I’m really surprised at these replies.

I would be fuming if either of my sons bunked off school, last day or not. Mine don’t finish until Friday but every term they’re doing school work until they break up, there’s no film watching, games, etc. I’ve never skived off school (maybe my school was too strict?) but would be seriously pissed off if my kids dropped to this level.

IncrediblySadToo · 16/07/2019 13:49

Why don’t people actually read threads anymore or even just the posts by the OP?

Livebythecoast · 16/07/2019 13:50

@inesj - I said this at the start of this thread! - poor lad being threatened all sorts!
Glad he's ok Grin

HuckfromScandal · 16/07/2019 13:51

Lol @ he is actually at school.
I have done this
Been so worried and upset only to realise the school has made a mistake.
Glad he has not let you down,
And I lol’ed at peabrain. That’s the way I would refer to my kids, and they couldn’t be more loved or respected by me, it’s just our way. Some people need to get over themselves!

Glad all is ok

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2019 13:52

I hope you let him read this thread! He deserves a laugh after your wholly unjustified assumptions about him Grin

SolitudeAtAltitude · 16/07/2019 13:54

Haha, just read your update

Fwiw, I would not go."nuclear" if DS did this, but try and find out what was up

Quite common for kids who start bunking off school to be involved in the world of drugs, sadly (county lines)

This is a lot more common than people think and happens to naice mc families too!

Going "nuclear" just closes the lines of communication

Villanellesproudmum · 16/07/2019 13:54

Pleased he is at school, I’m prob a terrible parent as well. If I knew where he was roughly, I’d rock up dressed in teen wear, crack open a can of cider, sit with him and his mates and ask them, what’s the plan then bro. Embarrassment over punishment is very powerful at that age.

BiscuitDrama · 16/07/2019 13:58

Ha ha ha!

bloodywhitecat · 16/07/2019 14:02

My question was going to be "Are you absolutely sure he's not in school?" then I saw your update. I had similar with my son when he was at school.