How much do you allow pets month to spend on yourself?

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

I don't work. Dh gives me housekeeping. He is well off. We have 6 DC, 2 grown up, eldest expecting first baby. Other 5 all live at home. 21,16,14,12,8. I home educate youngest.

We're going on holiday on Friday and I need a hair colour. I'm not having it done because it's just another thing to ask him for money for.

When we come back from holiday I intend to ask him to give me more money per month. It's currently £1000 a month and it has to cover groceries, petrol, youngest home Ed activities, my personal care etc.

As well as an increase in contemplating a asking for say £50 a month for myself, for hair, clothes etc.

Does this sound about right?

I've told him before that I want to get a job but he just says ok then. I've looked for jobs in recent years but I'm not a very good bet am I? I'd only be able to work between 9.30 am and 3pm if it was local enough to get to school from. I'd need all school holidays off and also if a child is I'll I'd have to stay home. I know it sounds lame but when I've worked before it's always been down to me to find someone to have the kids, get home in time etc. He simply can't/won't be home in time for pick ups, clubs etc, sickness.

I home school DD as she's Autistic and wasn't getting on at school. School didn't recognise a problem and she was very unhappy. Due to my being at home we took her out and she's thriving. I haven't ruled out sending her to a different School in time but for now she's secure and happy and learning.

Ideally I'd like to build up my cake business but as I mentioned earlier there are lots of cake businesses around everywhere really.

I haven't been able to chat to him this evening as I'm upstairs with my DD who has a bad tummy.

I don't know how to start the conversation.

I think you need to think very carefully about what you want and then think of how to say it. We’ve all told you the things we all think, and I’m sure you’ve considered some of them.
But what it boils down to is you would be much better off if you could achieve equality, making decisions together.
Personally I would say
‘I’m feeling very unhappy about the way we approach our finances, I’d feel much happier and more secure if I had a better idea of what’s going on. At the moment we’re not working together, and I’m thinking that for our future security we should work out how we can communicate better. I need to plan a pension, and I would like to explore getting some savings. Shall we go together to see an IFA or shall we see separate ones?

If he won’t entertain that then I’d start talking about the day to day budget and say it’s not enough and you need at least double what you’re getting. No need to go into detail, he’s got enough to do without worrying about that. 🙂

The amount you've worked out you have left (650 just for groceries) is loads imo. That isn't the problem here. The problem is this is financial and emotional abuse and you need to keep yourself and your children safe. Please follow the advice on this thread and see a solicitor, not only will you have a chance to get out and away from this abuse but you'll end up with lot more of your own money! Take care OP.

Tell him you need a separate bank account just for yourself . Open another account and ask him to transfer you a set amount each month . Call it your payment for doing everything house and children related which enables him to work so much .

Can't you spend your £200 pound a month pocket money to treat yourself to hair/clothes etc? And if £1000 pounds isnt enough for groceries and petrol you could ask your husband for more?

You are an adult and half of the marriage and you should definetly KNOW how much savings and investments You have. You speak as if they are your husbands but they're also yours. Theres no this is mine and this is yours in marriage.

However, he can give you a limit on how much money u spend a month just so you don't go overboard. It's not an ideal situation but it seems like he doesn't trust you at all with money. I don't think its helpful to say he is abusing you financially, he may find that insulting and you should try talking to him honestly and ask him why he doesn't trust you to have a joint account.

tsubasa1 I don't always make £200 a month. I said I me less than £200 a month. This month for instance I've made nothing. Last month I made £100 ish, the month before that about 50 quid.

Purpletigers that's what we do now. I have my own account, he transfers money for the month

I think that you are worth your weight in gold with all that you do,and have done,,as in bringing up a large family, home educating one child, having your own cake business, plus everything else you have to do.

Your husband seriously hasn't valued the true you, and his attitude concerning money,is not good at all.

Hopefully,you might be able to turn this situation around somehow.

He simply can't/won't be home in time for pick ups, clubs etc, sickness.

He simply can. He just won't.
Calculate for him how much you're enabling him to earn by picking up those tasks for him. That's how much your role is worth as a partner.

Ultimately, if you got a job, one of you would have to pick up the children.
He is making enough money to pay for at the very least a child minder, if not a nanny and a cleaner as well.
You can certainly have a proper job and not one that fits into holidays and pick up times.

What do you think will happen when you bring the situation up?

It's such a fucked up situation but you are so used to it, that you don't see it any more. Your husband is well off, and you are considering if you can have 50 quid per month to spend on yourself. How much does he spend on himself? Do you think you are worth less?

OP, in answer to your original question £1000 is nothing for your household income. I'd say about £3000 to comfortably cover everything you need to pay for. But basically it would be better if you had full access to the household income, and you can then see exactly how much disposable income is available.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, especially when it might seem like I'm refusing to help myself, ie get a job.

I don't know what will happen if I bring it up, I don't like it when he gets annoyed or moody. This is my first ever non abusive relationship ( physically) as well as an abusive childhood ( sexual) so I find it really, really hard to confront anyone about anything.

I'm trying because I know it's unhealthy for my kids to see this.

Oh spots that’s really hard, I’m not surprised you find this impossible. 💐

Who has got more to lose? Him or you?

Him of course!

Imagine if you went on strike, who would run the home and manage and care for the children?

He’s fucked if you became ill and had to stay in hospital etc

Except that he would then have to pay someone to do it in your absence!

By your speaking up about evening up the status quo you have the better bargaining position.

Don’t lose your nerve.

You should have a joint account and equal say over the family income. However, it doesn't look like that is a likely outcome and, from what you've said, I don't imagine you would even consider asking for it.

What about looking at published statistics about UK average household spends and approaching him with those?

Women's average monthly clothes spend: £75
Hair care: £60
And so on...

If he refuses to budget for these averages, ask him why, as a high earner, he wants his wife and the mother of his children to live like a pauper.

If he argues that you are asking for too much, tell him that you'll ask your friends/family/neighbours what they spend on themselves and exactly why you're asking.

I was chatting to a Friend about it today as she's a sahm too with a him Ed child. She's helping me find the words to bring it up. I'm going to write it down for myself so he doesn't confuse me. We go on holiday on Friday so I'm going to wait until we're home as I don't want an atmosphere on holiday.

Maybe show him this OP - if he's such a nice man he surely would not want his behaviour confused with Economic abuse. Which falls within the category of cohesive control and is actually against the law.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

Spots - you have a housekeeping account . You need a personal account . I’d recommend he transfers you at least £500 a month for your own personal spends . I’m so sorry you’ve had such a horrible past but you don’t deserve to be treated like this . It’s not good enough , you’re worth so more than being an unpaid skivy.

Frankly it you have an autistic child you can't get a job . Your child needs routine , would be sick with change and needs you at home. Even if you found the right school what is she was I'll.

Your husband is the problem here, frankly he is selfish, sit him down tell him realistically how much you need so you don't have to ask him for money again. Frankly if he doubling what he gives you know. If he has a problem with it tell him you want a joint bank about you want to be treat like an equal and if he's not happy with that then major changes will be needed to make you happy.

I'd then point out even if you send your child to school you will need specialised child care someone who is aware of how to deal with an autistic child and you will be expecting him to find this.

Stop allowing this to happen if he paid you for child care cleaning the house and all of the other stuff you do for him and the kids you wouldn't be having to ask him for money but the longer you accept this the more selfish he will become and the more you will resent him x

A