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Original poster

How much do you allow pets month to spend on yourself?

95 replies

Spotsbeforemyeyes · 15/07/2019 08:37

I don't work. Dh gives me housekeeping. He is well off. We have 6 DC, 2 grown up, eldest expecting first baby. Other 5 all live at home. 21,16,14,12,8. I home educate youngest.

We're going on holiday on Friday and I need a hair colour. I'm not having it done because it's just another thing to ask him for money for.

When we come back from holiday I intend to ask him to give me more money per month. It's currently £1000 a month and it has to cover groceries, petrol, youngest home Ed activities, my personal care etc.

As well as an increase in contemplating a asking for say £50 a month for myself, for hair, clothes etc.

Does this sound about right?

OP posts:
Soola · 15/07/2019 12:41

we went holiday and summer clothes shopping a couple of weeks ago, he spent £1000 across all of us.

7/8 of you? Divided by 7 of you that’s only £142 each? Hardly generous. Summer wardrobe and holiday clothes? That wouldn’t have covered a couple of bikinis!

You are leading a dogs life.

billybagpuss · 15/07/2019 12:45

£150k pa!!! That’s £12.5k per month he’s giving you 8% of his monthly salary to cater for an entire family.

Unfortunately if you split you’d have to spend along time getting paperwork together to prove this as I’m sure he can get accountants to prove he’s on the bread line so you got nothing.

You need to try and have a non judgemental chat with him about how unreasonable he’s being and the impact it’s having on you. But probably need to get it completed straight in your head first as I have a feeling he may be very defensive when it comes to discussion.

Good luck

Lweji · 15/07/2019 12:46

He's a good man and would be hurt to think people thought badly of him.

He's not really. Of course people will think badly of him.
And his behaviour in front of your guests put him in a bad light. Not you.

Every single thread that starts with "how much should DH give me" is about a financially abusive man.

Maybe you should give him a reality check of how assets would be split and how much he'd have to give you in spousal maintenance (or equivalent lump sum) should you ditch him.

Lweji · 15/07/2019 12:48

I suspect he'd start paying himself a lot less if he suspects you want a divorce at any point, though.
So, make sure you get up to speed and get evidence of his earnings and savings.

Not saying to LTB now, but always be prepared. You may well need to. And I suspect you will need to.

Original poster
Spotsbeforemyeyes · 15/07/2019 12:57

It is about control yes. I know that he was 29 when his dad died and left his mum in a lot of debt. His brother ( 4 years younger) had to take over her mortgage to enable her to stay in the family home. Dh had his own house so wasn't in a position to help out financially. I know that has always bothered him.

I just feel grabby if I try and talk to him about it. He says, just ask but then when I do he makes a big deal about it. Or for instance a couple of months ago I asked him to transfer £40 to my account for a trip for one of the DC and he transferred £400. Then he moaned cos I hadn't noticed. I hadn't checked my account so hadn't seen it.

OP posts:
Geraniumpink · 15/07/2019 13:08

It must be so hard to live like this. Why isn’t the money in a joint account you can both access? Even if he deducts some for his own investments etc at least you wouldn’t have to ask for it.
We have £60 a month each for ourselves - (hobby money) doesn’t include clothes or haircuts though.

billybagpuss · 15/07/2019 13:53

How are you going to approach it OP? I assume you are planning to try and fix it rather than walk. Although if it’s the latter please take your time, you mentioned upthread there are 2 businesses my calculations are only based on 1 you need to have proof of everything it you plan to leave.

However On that sort of salary I would be expecting in the region of £4000 a month to be available in a joint account to cover everything. Good luck 💐

HolyFuckballsBatman · 15/07/2019 14:05

You are being conditioned to believe he's a good man. He's not.
You are receiving the scraps of his large salary and he is happy to sit back and watch you struggle with that.

He's happy that your daughters have to ask him for money.
I couldn't live with someone who would watch his family struggle and make them feel embarrassed asking for access to the family pot.

Where is the rest of the money going? Is he splurging on himself? Any ridiculously expensive hobbies or indulgence?
Or is he just building a comfortable nest for himself whilst his family struggle?

Lweji · 15/07/2019 14:08

Doing things like giving you £400 instead of the £40 must make him feel good about himself and demonstrate to himself how generous he is.

However... it still leaves you in a dependent and subservient position of having to have money handed in to you or having to ask.

Snog · 15/07/2019 14:20

I think you need to take a step back and decide how you want to live your life.

NoSquirrels · 15/07/2019 14:21

Instead of having to ask for extras, can you come up with a typical budget of what you spend per year e.g. clothes budget per person, average food spend, gifts, clubs, pocket money, hair cuts - include absolutely everything.

Then go through the figures with your DH. Show him the calculations. Tell him you’d like to manage the money without having to beg for extras and £1,000 a month is not enough because food costs e.g. £600 per month, petrol is £200, and the remainder doesn’t cover what it has to.

Listen to his reasons if he disagrees with the figures but don’t agree to too low a figure.

He might respond better to facts and figures than “it makes me feel...”?

NoSquirrels · 15/07/2019 14:22

Also, discuss that the children need to learn to manage money and budgeting and they can’t do this if it’s all ad hoc.

BarbaraofSevillle · 15/07/2019 14:29

If you have a reasonable disposable income and don't generally overspend, the simplest solution is probably to pay for as much as possible on a cashback credit card that is paid off in full every month.

You can then pay for all food, petrol, child expenses, gifts, days out, meals out, clothes, hair appointments, and most things on the card.

Obviously you will need a cash float when the DC need cash for school or small purchases/parking or when cards aren't accepted but it will avoid the need to have to ask for money and can be used to make a general budget/spending analysis as you can download a year's worth of categorised transactions. You should both go through the budget together, so you know what is affordable for needs and wants.

Something that hasn't been mentioned up to now - do you have a pension apart from the state pension? That is something that is often overlooked for women who spend a long time as a SAHM.

Also, it doesn't sound like he spends much time at home if he works long hours and is out on his hobby a lot at the weekend. Do you get any time to yourself?

bellsbuss · 15/07/2019 14:36

Family of 6 , SAHM and OH earns a similar income. He transfers me £400 a week to cover groceries , school lunches , haircuts etc and anything I need or want to do. Petrol and clothes for the children gets put on a card which he clears each month. I wouldn't want to be going to him cap in hand for everything but we did discuss this when we made the decision for me to stay at home.

Original poster
Spotsbeforemyeyes · 15/07/2019 14:47

I don't have a pension, I'd know if I did wouldn't I?

We don't spend much time together, he gets home after 8 most nights then works at home. He looks at his phone the whole time. Sometimes we'll watch some TV together. He works a lot of the weekends when he's not away.

We have a large house and eat out at weekends at least once. We're having 2 holidays in the summer. On the outside to other people we probably look as if we have a great lifestyle. I don't feel as if I'm considered an equal partner in the marriage though.

I'm going to tell him that we need to sit down and go through money. He doesn't believe in pocket money so the kids don't get any, he says they just waste it on crap but I think that's their lesson to learn, I think they should get some kind of pocket money so they can learn it's value.

I've made a list of things that I pay for alongside groceries every month to show him and suggest we revisit my housekeeping. Hopefully he'll be home in time before it's too late and he falls asleep.

He genuinely believes that I'm lucky and that he treats us well. I feel selfish suggesting otherwise.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/07/2019 14:53

There is no reason for you not to have a decent joint current account and divide savings accounts between the two.

Otherwise, insist you're going back to work and he has to figure out how to arrange enough back up to support his own work from the premise that he should take over half of school drop offs and half the housework.

Definitely insist on the equal partners thing. You're not his child or his housekeeper.

billybagpuss · 15/07/2019 14:54

please, please believe 'you are NOT selfish', you are not grabby and he needs to step up and treat you as an equal.

Villanellesproudmum · 15/07/2019 15:09

Can you increase your cake business income?

KatharinaRosalie · 15/07/2019 15:11

So what does he do with the rest of the cash? Spending 1K on holiday clothes for the entire family is not a massively generous thing taking into account his income.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/07/2019 15:16

I've made a list of things that I pay for alongside groceries every month to show him and suggest we revisit my housekeeping.

No, ask for full access to your family finances. That's how most married couples operate.

Original poster
Spotsbeforemyeyes · 15/07/2019 15:48

I'd love to increase my cake business income but sadly our area is saturated with cake makers, a lot not registered and I can't compete with £40 a cake. I'm trying to convert our summer house into a studio but I need to spend around £2k putting running water in and work benches. I'd really like to hold classes in there, it's plenty big enough. Dh sees my cake business as a hobby as"it's only a business if it warms money and yours doesn't"

OP posts:
Original poster
Spotsbeforemyeyes · 15/07/2019 15:49

He wants to retire in around 7 years, sell his company and work as and when he wanted to.

OP posts:
TakeOneForTheBreem · 15/07/2019 15:58

Financial abuse in a nutshell.

Get out. 52 is some age to be putting up with someone else's shit.

Chovihano · 15/07/2019 16:05

why is he giving you money, I don't understand?
Do you not just take it when you need it, like every other sahm?
It's not his money, it's both of yours, divorce the financially abusive dh and get at least your half.
Please don't allow your dc witness you being abused.

TapasForTwo · 15/07/2019 16:10

I feel so sad for you. This is not how a normal, functional marriage works. This is not the 1950s.

He is not a good man. He is financially abusing you, he spends so little time with you and the family. He is almost behaving like a single man.

He is self absorbed and selfish. What do you get out if the marriage?