How much do you allow pets month to spend on yourself?

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

I don't work. Dh gives me housekeeping. He is well off. We have 6 DC, 2 grown up, eldest expecting first baby. Other 5 all live at home. 21,16,14,12,8. I home educate youngest.

We're going on holiday on Friday and I need a hair colour. I'm not having it done because it's just another thing to ask him for money for.

When we come back from holiday I intend to ask him to give me more money per month. It's currently £1000 a month and it has to cover groceries, petrol, youngest home Ed activities, my personal care etc.

As well as an increase in contemplating a asking for say £50 a month for myself, for hair, clothes etc.

Does this sound about right?

I wonder if these responses would be the same if it was the other way about. The OP youngest is 8, she chooses to home school. She could do 1 or 2 nightshift a week and get a decent wage. That's what I do.

You know this is wrong, but you’ve told yourself so many stories to justify it that you’re telling us the nicest version.
See a solicitor. Pay for it out of the housekeeping.

loveskaka I can't do one or two night shifts a week as if she isn't going to be home who looks after the DC? Sometimes I only have 24 hours notice. My ds who is 21 also works long hours and unsociable shift patterns so I can't ask him to be around.

• if dh isn't home

Op what do you really want people to suggest? He's financially abusive

I can't do one or two night shifts a week as if she isn't going to be home who looks after the DC?

Why can he work nights then?

He wants to retire in around 7 years, sell his company and work as and when he wanted to.

It won't happen. He'll continue his current patterns. Particularly those of not being available for the family.

mummyoftwo91 I don't know what I want people to suggest. I started the thread asking how much was reasonable for me to ask for for my own personal use per month.

Lweji because that's his business. He needs to go away so that he can have early meetings etc.

I don't know how to approach him about it all. I've worked out my monthly outgoings so I'm left with £651 for groceries for the month. I've written it all down.

I'm really bad at having difficult conversations with people, especially dh. I know in my head I'm not being grabby buy that's how it feels asking him for more money.

I'm not going to leave him. The kids would be devastated. It's not going to happen. He would be devastated too I think if he thought id considered leaving him.

How about the two of you see an IFA then? Get a pension or an ISA sorted for you. Do you have a will together? Start small, but start.
If something happened to him you need to have an understanding of how to access all the accounts. Please get some financial advice. Husbands and wives need to look after one another.

This sounds like a form of abuse - he obviously relishes the control he has over you and your children. You'd think a man who is so busy with his multiple companies and hobbies would be glad to relinquish control of finances for the household, wife and children etc. It's not normal, and seems completely unnecessary given that he has such a huge income. I and I am sure many others could not live like this, and as you say it sets a warped example for your children. I wouldn't care how many holidays and meals out were provided, this is no way to live OP.

Your labour enables his labour, he couldn’t do what he does without you. Fair shares. You’re worth it.

hero I've told him exactly this many times before now when we've discussed my feeling undervalued in the home.

That must be so degrading OP. Any family with a SAHP should have all income going into a joint account.

Yep - financial abuse.
He's a mean twat by the way. Poor you.
Divorce is probably the only thing that will cure this, because he wont change.
Go back to work, if you can.

What's the reason behind homeschooling your youngest?

Could you call his bluff slightly and say you'd like to discuss the possibility of your youngest going to school and that you'd like to get a full time job out of the home.

If he asks why, you say you can't cope with the financial dependence anymore and having to go cap in hand to him every time you need the slightest thing and that you need some financial independence. Plus your kids aren't learning good lessons about financial responsibility.

If he baulks at that, ask him what he suggests you can both do to work it out. Put the onus on him to find a solution and perhaps he will see the unfairness of it all by himself.

I’ve read all your updates and like everyone else I too think that sadly you are in an abusive relationship and your H is a bastard.

But to answer your question I think anything less then £500 personal money per month is too little. And yes of course I understand lots of people on here will not have that. But given your situation I find any less less then that unfair and controlling.

And I know you say he pays for everything, but that’s either WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER or WHEN YOU ASK HIM FOR IT. That’s the massively controlling part!! You have no financial freedom or privacy, it’s bizarre and frightening.

If he needs to go away, he needs to sort out child care. Or value his wife more, particularly how she enables him to work when he pleases.

You may not want to leave him, but I'd be willing to bet he will have no such problems eventually when he finds another younger woman to stroke his ego and you're left holding the babies as such.

Seriously, don't sacrifice yourself and your financial independence for men like these.

Don't ask for more money. Ask for equal access to all accounts. Honestly, there's nothing unusual in this.

I’m a SAHM. DH and I both have £200 a month pocket money to spend on what we want. I mostly spend it on hair, clothes, going out with friends. DH spends his on going out with friends, lunch at work, gigs. The rest is family money for bills, groceries, children’s clothes and activities including coffee at soft play, family days out, holidays - anything that is a joint cost.

Oh OP, this is abuse and I think you know this. I had a friend in your position and her 'D'H had an affair and left, she was the skivvy, the house keeper instructed to keep the house on pittance while her DH enjoyed ski trips, nights out with friends. She divorced his sorry ass and is very very comfortable now, no financial worries at all and she has actually met someone else who values her.
You only get one shit at this life, one chance to be happy, grovelling and asking a man for money is humiliating and its no way to live.
Please make yourself happy, you're only in your early 50s, you have alot of life left to live and be happy

You really need to sit down and have an open discussion op I know its difficult but it's the only way things will get better

Well that's the thing, you dnt seem to question him, tell him he needs to be home so u can go to work, so u can have your own money. As your fed up having to rely on his very strict ways with the money. It's only twice a week, surely he has to do his share of childcare . If you don't do this then you should just leave him!

IFA is really good advice. Sell him that.

Put your youngest in school and get yourself a job. That would increase your self worth at the very least. If he doesn't want you to get a job which I suspect will be the next thing then he needs to allow equal access to the money.