Do you think you are a good mother?

[jennymanara]

And whatever your answer why?
I am just interested really.

I think I am a good mother now and was sometimes in the past but sometimes I really wasn't and I am trying to make up for it for the rest of my life.

I know I'm a good mum. We've had more than our share of troubles. DH died when my sons were still at primary school and both of them have had significant long term health problems.

But they're young adults now and I know they think I'm an amazing mum, as does my DSD, who's now married with DC herself. My deep attachment to her goes back 32 years.

But as others have said, I'm an amazing mum because I had amazing DPs myself who demonstrated excellent role models and have supported us in every way possible.

I once met a woman who had three small DC from three abusive relationships. She was a care leaver who told me about her DM, who beat her with coat hangers and locked her in cupboards.

She said her social worker tried to help but that being a good mum (which she so desperately wanted) was hard when you've never witnessed it.

I told her what a social worker I know once said: that if you ask yourself whether you're a good enough parent you are. Bad parents never even think to ask themselves the question. I also recommended books I'd found useful. I praised her and hope she felt supported by what I said.

But it really brought home to me how very lucky I am to have been born into a loving functional family which gave me the tools to be a good parent.

Yes, very. I always put her first and now my DD is confident, kind, happy and successful.

Overall yes. I physically couldn't have done more for them in the early years. Breastfed for 5 out of 6 years of my life in their early years, co slept and stayed at home. It was idyllic. But I am prone to laziness, easily irritated and a that'll do attitude nowadays. I've always been very affectionate and have helped them foster positive relationships with others. I could probably push them more academically.

I am because my 27 year old said so.

I think so. My oldest three children aged 20, 18 and 17 and me talk about various issues, their experiences, career and university etc. We debate, have heated arguments and joke. my youngest 6 year old son just cuddles or gets in my lap whenever he can. They know I am always available, to talk and support.

I am a good mum, the rational part of me knows this, but becoming a parent has ruined my mental health and I second guess myself all the time about whether I am doing a good enough job.

My DS has a severe speech delay, awaiting asd assessment and his delays make my anxieties about my abilities as his mum a lot worse. I know I am doing all I can for him to help him, plus he's loved, fed, warm and entertained but it's hard when I see him against his peers and how far behind he is. Heartbreaking in fact.

I'm exactly the same as @nomorenightmares with the short fuse and worrying my kids will eventually hate me

In some ways yes, in others no

• He has far too much iPad time, watching crap on Netflix.
• He eats far too much pasta as its for an easy life.

On the other hand I am desperate to bring him up resilient and not entitled, unlike a lot of the kids round here. So he has to learn that sometimes he doesn't get what he wants all the time, that sometimes life is unfair, that sometimes you have upsetting emotions and that life is about learning how to cope with those difficult times.

Did you see what I wrote about being a good parent, Paultrybudget?

A social worker I know once said: that if you ask yourself whether you're a good enough parent you are. Bad parents never even think to ask themselves the question.

I find that very comforting.

and because I get these notes left on my desk

@Madmarchpear are you me?? My 6 year old still sleeps with me, and older three did as well moving to own by 5/6. Same with education etc, work at child's pace

Doing ok so far but they're only 5 and 2, so the complicated part is yet to come and there's plenty of scope for me to fuck it up.

I’m much lazier than I thought I’d be. Also turns out I really hate role play and board games.

Yes I am. I support them emotionally when they need it and tell them I love them and how proud I am of them all the time.
Still waiting for this from my own mother. So yes, I’m the opposite to her and I’m grateful that I have the awareness to parent in a completely different way.
Dh also says that he couldn’t have wished for a better mum to his dc.

Was a much better mother to my oldest than youngest. By the time he came along I was exhausted and running on empty constantly. E was raised on technology whereas I used to read for hours, bake, paint with the others daily.

I have just asked DC’s opinion. They have replied that they’ll have to have a think about it.

Potentially not. I find my high energy preschooler very challenging... Especially now I'm heavily pregnant. I think I'm okay, but he has major issues listening, took 8 months to toilet train and sometimes hits the other children at nursery... He is pretty bright though. He also seems fairly sociable, whereas I am not 😕.

I always thought i was a crap mum because my eldest's behaviour was challenging in the extreme and i didn't cope very well. Turns out she is autistic and I've fought tooth and nail to get that diagnosis so i can't be that bad. All of my dc are well mannered (mostly) teens and seem to be turning into decent human beings so i must be doing something right!

I find that very comforting too, Prawnofthepatriarchy. My mother's defining quality as a mother is that she has never had the tiniest shred of doubt about her own brilliance. Or her own superiority to other mothers - I dread her meeting my friends because I can guarantee she'll start ripping their parenting skills to shreds the moment they leave (2.5 year old in a buggy? Shocking. Baby with a dummy? Disgusting).

Of course, that all makes her a very flawed mother. My childhood experiences are denied in favour of a rose-tinted parallel narrative in which she was always the perfect martyr mother. The fact that I had severe anxiety and OCD from my pre-teens? Didn't happy, I was always a happy child because I had a wonderful mother. The times when she'd totally lose it over my homework and tell me that I'd never pass my 11 plus (which I passed with flying colours, as predicted by all my teachers)? Didn't happen either - I was never pushed by my parents, I just pushed myself.

It wears down your mental health to have someone deny your reality constantly. I don't know if I'm a good mother but it's made me want to be receptive to, and validate, DD's real feelings about stuff, however uncomfortable those feelings are for me (e.g. even if she loves her grandad or the cat more than mummy at the moment).

You sound like a lovely mother, NCforsensitivesubject125. My DF made a point of being radically different to his DM because, just like yours, she was not a very vgood mum. She never once in his life told him she loved him. So he made sure we always knew how he felt.

I think I’m good enough.
I try hard to make sure the kids are fed well, clean and loved. I take them out a lot and they’re interested in so many things around them and love museums, wildlife and nature, even the teenager!
However, at home I’m a bit lazy, I’m on my phone probably too much, things get done at the last minute, I feel like I’m always nagging them and I seem to coast along in a bit of grumpy state. We do have some nice times reading or watching tv but I need to make the nice times more frequent than the grumpy ones!

Yes. I am because I am kind and positive in an abundance of trivial and forgettable ways that quietly sets a good vibe in our home.

Spending fucking hours too much time on Mumsnet confirms for me I am a good parent.

The way so many people speak of and treat their teens shocks me.

I am the opposite of Mumsnet acceptable. I gave them money each week, they had decent iPhones, i did their washing, they were never forced to do 'chores' and I often gave them a lift when they were 'perfectly capable' of walking! They grew up just fine. They managed to learn the value of money without being made to work at 13 and they became independent despite not being left home alone by the time they turned 8

I am very proud of my young adults and I think part of it is down to the absolute effort I put it to simply be available, to just talk, to listen. Part of it though is just that they are good people.

Yes, because I've modelled my mothering on my mum's...and she was an amazing mum and possibly my best friend, I always felt loved and cherished.