I've torn my family apart

[JeremyCorbynsCoat]

NC for this, but I've been here a long time. Pom bears, naice ham, and all the rest.

DP and I have been together for 4 years. I've been unhappy for a year at least. I've told him about this and we've been trying to work through and it's just not getting better.

Our sex life is non existent. We've only just started sleeping in the same bed again after a year of not.

I'm 28 if that's any relevance.

Yesterday I kissed another man. Trust me there's no name under the sun that anyone can call me that I don't think about myself right now. I am the fucking worst kind of person. A cunt of the highest order. I'm aware.

I told him this morning. I couldn't not. It's not fair for him to remain in a relationship based on a lie. He's packed his stuff and gone. Rightly so I don't blame him.

Don't know what I'm hoping for to be honest. I'm so fucking upset and I have absolutely NO right to be.

Oh I haven't actually NC. Never mind

No name calling from me. Has this made how you feel about him any different. Has it made you realise you did want to be with him?

Do you have kids, OP?
Sounds like you are doing a great job giving yourself a hard time for a stupid decision. No doubt there will be plenty of others up for telling you how awful you are. But I'm really sorry this has happened and I really hope there's a positive way through it for you all.

No name calling from me either. You made a mistake and owned up to it, it was the right thing to do.

@Dontgiveamonkeys1350 I'm not sure. I feel nothing but heartbroken at the minute. Not that I have any right to. As soon as it happened all I could see was him. I've felt sick ever since

Yes we have kids. My poor poor boys. They deserve so much better.

two DS's. Ones 5 and ones 20 months.

You felt compelled to tell him because you wanted a consequence if that action.

Maybe you didn’t know what his reaction would be or maybe you thought it would stir some jealousy and make him be passionate with you.

Or maybe you wanted him to walk out so you had to have a reason rather than just ask him to leave.

You must answer yourself honestly and then decide what you want to do next and where you want to go with your life.

It’s no point feeling guilty about ‘tearing’ your family up, you were obviously at some kind of breaking point and something had to give.

Better that you told him after a kiss than carrying on an affair.

I have no idea what I wanted the consequence to be @Soola

I just couldn't let him live a lie.

I’ve name changed for this too.

When I was about your age and not long married I also kissed another man (a colleague) and not just once. The attraction between us was powerful. I am sure if I hadn’t been married we would have had a long term relationship. It happened about three times over a period of 2 months. I too was overcome by shame about what I had done. I realised I didn’t want to be a cheater and didn’t want to lose my husband so I put a stop to it and have never, ever, ever told a living soul let alone my DH. I knew that telling him would hurt him and maybe end our relationship so I have kept my shame and guilt to myself.

The reason I’m telling you this now is because I agree with Soola, I think you told your husband this because you wanted to get a reaction from him but clearly not the reaction you got wasn’t the one you wanted.

If you want the marriage to continue this may be retrievable. Let him calm down, then apologise deeply and sincerely and repeatedly if necessary. If you do still love him, tell him so. Offer to go for counselling.

If, after time and talk your DH can’t and won’t move on from this then I think your marriage would have probably ended at some point soon anyway. Your confession will have been the catalyst for something that was waiting to happen.
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I do feel for you Op. But if you've been unhappy for so long maybe it's for the best. Although obv kissing someone else is never a decent thing to do.
Try and take a few deep breaths and ask yourself what you actually want to happen now?
If he walked back in and it went back to how it was that would be the same fairly miserable situation you were in before...
Good luck and don't hate yourself. One bad mistake doesn't make you the worst person ever

You've both obviously had issues in the relationship leading to no sex and, possibly more importantly, not feeling loved and whilst not excusing your actions it was just a kiss.
If you do want to try again with him, give him a little time and explain as you have here, the same happened to me, in reverse, and after talking it through we picked up the pieces and re-built the relationship, on the basis that there were faults on both sides which lead to the issue.

You wanted out otherwise you would have kept quiet. You did the right thing to tell him in this case.

Dont give yourself a hard time. No judgement here.

You clearly got off your chest as soon as it happened. Can I ask as to how you knew the man? Did you meet him online or was he someone known to you?

Either way, its done and you've got some time to digest and process.

Sounds like you've been unhappy for a long time and that's not fair on you either.

You will still be parents if you're not partners. It's better to have happy parents even separately than miserable ones together.

Feel for you op. You did the right thing by telling him. I know you feel awful right now but you couldn’t carry on as you were, being miserable. Life’s too short. Sounds like this is the first step towards realising what you want, I wish you the best

If your kissing other guys then its dead and buried, its probably for the best, as this has given u both the push to end a relationship.

I don't want him to leave and I don't want it to be over. Sometimes we're happy but that spark has just gone. We argue over silly things and we argue a lot.

I do love him but it's been more like friends or room mates than anything else for quite some time.

Sometimes something explosive needs to happen to bring about change. Change was needed, so I don’t think this is as catastrophic as you fear. You can now work together to understand why it’s happened and work on changes in the relationship, or you can split. Both are far better in the long run then just plodding along.

Op you have got a really young family and all the stress that goes with it. You can’t expect your relationship not to suffer a bit, you do know that it’s not going to be roses and fireworks all the time? Not sure if you have unreasonable expectations.

Also I honestly think you’ve only told him to absolve yourself of any guilt, you’re going to have to deal with the fall out now.

I wouldn't have told him! A kiss isn’t a big deal so long as it stops there. Hopefully he will see that and you’ll be able to work through it if that’s what you want.

I don’t agree that a kiss isn’t a big deal, I wouldn’t feel that way if someone did that to me I’m sure. I wouldn’t have told told him in this situation though

@NannyRed you cared enough to take time out of your day and pass comment so why don't you just crawl back under your bridge

@NannyRed what a silly comment.

The intimacy had gone and by the sound of it that side of your relationship probably wouldnt have recovered (although it might have). I'm a believer that intimate relationships do run a course and much unhealthiness/unhappiness is caused by forging on being miserable for years or even decades in the hope the spark comes back. I developed an alcohol dependency, trying to have sex with my XH for years and years when I really didn't want to (he wasn't really aware of this), to try to maintain the equilibrium. That was not a great strategy. It was gruesome to end it but he has a lovely partner now who adores him and I can heal.

Your X will be able to find someone who truly makes them happy and puts them first, and so will you in time. It's not great for relationships to end but this doesn't sound like it's a massive surprise or unexpected. Your boys will still have two loving parents regardless.

Relationships can become a habit, OP. It sounds like yours had done this - you'd got used to each other and carried on being together through force of habit rather than through love.

Habits are hard to break - which is why you feel so bad now. But it might be best to just go cold turkey and start again with someone more suited to you.