I've torn my family apart

[JeremyCorbynsCoat]

NC for this, but I've been here a long time. Pom bears, naice ham, and all the rest.

DP and I have been together for 4 years. I've been unhappy for a year at least. I've told him about this and we've been trying to work through and it's just not getting better.

Our sex life is non existent. We've only just started sleeping in the same bed again after a year of not.

I'm 28 if that's any relevance.

Yesterday I kissed another man. Trust me there's no name under the sun that anyone can call me that I don't think about myself right now. I am the fucking worst kind of person. A cunt of the highest order. I'm aware.

I told him this morning. I couldn't not. It's not fair for him to remain in a relationship based on a lie. He's packed his stuff and gone. Rightly so I don't blame him.

Don't know what I'm hoping for to be honest. I'm so fucking upset and I have absolutely NO right to be.

Sounds shit and painful at the moment. I agree with the poster above about how sometimes explosive things have to happen as things have stagnated somewhat. Something wasn't right that made you take this course of action, and it's done now and the fallout has already started. Do you have support for yourself? You're not a cunt of the highest order, you're a person who has made a painful choice, don't cloud the two. Take care.

I have spoken to him and he's suggested a few times that it could be down to my anxiety & depression.

I've told him not to make excuses for my behaviour. Millions of people deal with mental health problems and don't do this and it's no excuse.

I appreciate that to some people it doesn't seem a big deal, I really do but to me and my little family it really is. This is our life. I'm a stranger on the internet to you all but I'm an actual human being with feelings so if you're here to say 'wah wah no one cares' save your breath and do something constructive with your time.

I have lots of support thankfully. A good network of friends. I'm ashamed of what I've done but im not afraid to admit it to the people o turn to for support.

The fact that the kiss was just yesterday and the first thing you did was tell your partner, screams to me that you wanted a reaction. Nothing wrong with that OP.

But you took literally no time to think about the repercussions and this makes me think that maybe - even on a subconscious level - you may have wanted your partner to leave?

Sounds like it wasn't the best relationship and its very common for something like this to be a catalyst for the relationship ending.

In my case I didn't tell my DP about the kiss / emotional connection with someone else but I ended the relationship almost as soon as I had that kiss... So I promise I am not judging you!

It sounds as though DP wasn't really all that committed to the relationship anyway. He didn't sit down, tell you how much he loved you and ask you how to improve things. He just jumped at the opportunity to pack his bags - almost as though he was looking for an excuse! Seriously, it was only a kiss ffs!

He didn't sit down, tell you how much he loved you and ask you how to improve things.
If your partner came home and told you s/he’d kissed someone else, is that really how you’d react?

Who was the kiss with OP? I think this makes a lot of difference.

Work colleague based at different branch

How did your marriage go so wrong after only 3 years? Is it just the rain of children? If so, that's very common and will pass. I think in time, if he loves you and you love him you will be able to get pass the kiss as a symptom of your troubles. Unless you have feeling for the other man. You do need your wrist slapped though (I'm sensing you need a bit of a telling off and not all sympathy) and so consider yourself wrist-slapped. Now I would make your feelings clear, via a letter if that's easier. Good luck.

If he left you for simply snogging someone else then you're better off out of it TBH.

The last thing I need is sympathy. I've been a dickhead. Nothing deserving of sympathy.

No feelings beyond friendship, and a bit of misguided, impulsive lust.

If you've been together four years but your joint eldest is five how does that work? Not judging just wondered.

If a woman was posting here about her husband kissing a work colleague the responses would be very different .

But Mookie she admits she was wrong and has told her DH..

Actually Mookie a lot of people on other threads have said it is just a kiss, you can move past it. I know because to me a kiss is a big deal and I always seem to disagree with the majority on that.

Op, it really does sound like things have been bad for some time and maybe this was just the final nail in the coffin. I have been there and it starts to feel too hard and so you do jump at the chance to just pull the plaster off. I don't think what you did is okay, but maybe the time has come to start moving on separately. Children need a happy home, a sad one with two parents together will never be that.

@MargotsFlounceyBlouse he isn't my eldests biological father. But for all intents and purposes he is his dad. He won't stop seeing him if we do stay apart, nor would I ever stop him.

I imagine if I hadn't already told him there would be a lot of 'tell him' responses just as their would with any other situation.

I'm not asking for anyone to go easy on be based on the fact that I'm a woman.

Forget the kiss. It's irrelevant.

Do you actually want to be with your dh?

Forgive yourself. Be kinder to yourself. It was just a kiss. Nobody died.

@formerbabe honestly, I don't know. As I've said a few times things haven't been great for a while. This apart will probably do us good.

Obviously the stakes are high here because there is a home and two little children to consider.

I get it op, it gets less exciting after a time and small children are exhausting and cause rows, both of you are tired etc.
It does get better, I could have walked out on my DH numerous times but I love him and I’ve made the decision to love him and I keep making the decision to love him (it’s a conscious thing rather than a feeling if that makes sense)

Is this a pattern that you’ve had in the past? Do you bail when it gets monotonous? Are you always looking for the spark? Or has it always been wrong?

I think if the relationship was that great you wouldn’t have done it. Would you have stayed so long if it wasn’t for the children?.

Many years ago I slept with someone whilst in a serious relationship. I told him. Looking back I think I wanted an angry, passionate response...something to 'prove' how much he loved me. It didn't happen, he forgave me like it was nothing, we got married and divorced 5 years later (not because of cheating).

The point I think I'm trying to make is for you to ask yourself why you told him, what were you hoping for?

@Pinkyponkcustard I wouldn't say so. Before DP was my eldest DS' dad and he was very abusive.

I don't know why I told him. Other than that I couldn't lie to him.