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Original poster

I know we’ve had these threads before but morbidly obese person on the train

116 replies

TrainWWYD · 11/07/2019 21:11

I was at a meeting in London all day, train home at 5, so absolutely rammed by the time it got home.

I managed to get a seat (set of two) near the window. It was boiling hot on the train so I was already feeling hot and flustered. A woman got on the train and the seat next to me was the only one free.

In the nicest possibly way she was very very overweight, if she’d sat in the seats on her own she would easily have taken up most of the two seats. Instead she asked if she could sit down, obviously I said yes but she couldn’t fit on the seat facing forwards so she sat facing out into the aisle with her back towards me.

As soon as she sat down I squashed myself up against the wall to give her more room but she was pressed up against me with her back as people were trying to move past her in the aisle.

I suddenly got this horrible feeling of being trapped and started getting really panicky. Once the train left she couldn’t have got up even if I’d asked her to as there were people stood on either side of her legs in the aisle. The more the train moved the more she was pressing into me and the more hot and panicky I got and started feeling sick and then panicking about being sick and not being able to get up.

I tried moving more towards the wall but she just pushed up even more. I’m not big at all and she was easily taking up her seat and half of mine but was facing away from me.

In that situation would you said anything? Moved? I feel silly for sitting there feeling so panicky for an hour now. Spoke to my friend about it and she said I should have just asked her to move but I didn’t want to embarrass her in front of everyone in the train (quiet carriage too)

OP posts:

jessicama · 12/07/2019 11:11

OP - I sympathise with the situation you were in - just thinking about it is making me feel tense. I also really struggle with being in small spaces with lots of people - and panic if I feel like I can't escape. I try to avoid travelling on busy trains when I can, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

And I also understand not wanting to a) offend the person next to you, or b) draw attention to yourself in a quiet coach.

For everyone who has mentioned OP giving up her own seat - I personally find it easier to control my anxiety if I'm sat down - especially if I can look out of the window (I know it's weird because you're more trapped in that seat - but I can try and zone out of how many other people I'm crammed in with!)

Having said that, I think if I was feeling as terrible as you, I might have said "I'm really sorry but I suffer from claustrophobia and I'm feeling a bit trapped on this busy train. Is it okay if we swap seats?" or "I think I'll feel better if I can stand up for a while".

So difficult to call though. I suspect they'd be occasions where I'd just put up with it out of social embarrassment - and other times where I wouldn't be able to help the flight impulse.

I once got onto an unexpectedly busy train (due to issues on the line) and immediately had to jump out again. The train manager was really lovely, and let me hop into fist class (although I was only travelling 10 mins). It's always worth asking...

jessicama · 12/07/2019 11:13

To immediately follow up and clarify on my last post - I'm not suggesting people should get first class upgrade because they're claustrophobic! Just that if you're having a panic attack then it's worth letting train staff know

Constance1234 · 12/07/2019 11:22

Of course that's what we should do but it's difficult is not it?
I disagree it’s not difficult to say a friendly and non-confrontational ‘can you move over a bit please’ without hurting someone’s feelings.

The woman should have had more self awareness to realise she was encroaching on the OP’s space, but unfortunately she didn’t. I swear half the dilemmas on mn could be solved by the OP simply speaking up for themselves.

DecomposingComposers · 12/07/2019 11:34

I disagree it’s not difficult to say a friendly and non-confrontational ‘can you move over a bit please’ without hurting someone’s feelings.

But for some people it is difficult. Plus, you don't know what reaction you are going to get. I understand people not wanting to say anything and the person in wrong here was the passenger taking up one and a half seats and using OP as a public leaning post, not the OP for avoiding confrontation.

lubeybooby · 12/07/2019 11:41

OP it sounds like you need some therapeutic help for your anxiety and panic levels

DecomposingComposers · 12/07/2019 11:45

OP it sounds like you need some therapeutic help for your anxiety and panic levels

Why? So that they can better tolerate being squashed in future? Many of us would have had a problem with being squashed against the wall, panic attack or not.

Birdrib · 12/07/2019 11:47

I once endured a 12 hour flight with a broad chap taking up about a third of my seat.

He actually had the nerve to very loudly tell me to stop bumping into him. I responded by explaining it was hard not to as he was taking up my seat and suggested putting the arm rest down. He said he couldn’t put it down and it wasn’t his fault he didn’t fit in the seat. I said it wasn’t mine either.

It got us nowhere and made the situation a million times worse as he was shouting the whole time.

I honestly don’t know what the answer is to this problem and now I fear the same thing happening again.

MonkeyTrap · 12/07/2019 11:53

Really awkward for you both. I wouldn’t have done anything differently. She is probably aware of her size and felt really awkward. Ok saying she should have gotten to the train earlier, but I’m sure overweight people have meetings that overrun and tight schedules too.

colourlessgreenidea · 12/07/2019 11:59

OP it sounds like you need some therapeutic help for your anxiety and panic levels

Yes. The OP must learn to better tolerate being physically squashed into half a seat through no choice of their own. Silly, selfish OP.

Soola · 12/07/2019 12:02

It’s ridiculous to say she should have got an earlier and less busy train!

Why not go the whole hog (no pun intended) and say there should be a carriage for segregating fat people that incorporates double width seats!

The simple fact is that if you are fat for whatever reason then you need to be aware that your size doesn’t negatively impact on others around you and that includes overspilling your bulk onto the seat next to you and taking up part of their space resulting in that person being squashed.

It’s no different from any sized person wearing a ginormous hat to the cinema so that the person behind you struggles to see over your hat.

MargoLovebutter · 12/07/2019 12:12

I'd have done the same as you TrainWWYD and sat in hot, sweaty, squashed, panicky misery for the duration of the train journey.

I really don't know what the right thing is here. If you say something, it looks like you are fat shaming someone, who can't make themselves smaller.

Teddybear45 · 12/07/2019 12:26

You made the situation worse by shoving up. Most overweight people are really self-conscious about their size - chances are if you immediately allowed her to feel that she was taking up your seat she would have moved.

Birdrib · 12/07/2019 14:27

if you immediately allowed her to feel that she was taking up your seat

How?

M3lon · 13/07/2019 15:36

No choice of her own? Why not? Does the OP lack the power of speech now?

This situation was entirely in the OPs control. She chose to be martyr about it then post a thread to maximize the fat shaming opportunities of the situation, both of which make her unreasonable.

Babdoc · 13/07/2019 17:06

I hardly ever travel by train, preferring to drive or fly, but surely it’s possible to reserve seats when booking tickets? Shouldn’t morbidly obese passengers pay for and reserve two seats, when they know they won’t fit into one, and will squash, inconvenience and potentially injure a fellow passenger? Or was OP travelling on the tube?

Onacleardayyoucansee · 13/07/2019 19:10

You dont pay for seat you pay for carriage.
Public transport is small and uncomfortable in my experience.
Im not a big person either.

I feel for you both, perhaps a polite word as pp have said?
'i see you are struggling but i feel crushed and im panicking'

My lovely colleague was big and used to go through hell on the commute.
Would come to work exhausted and stressed. I said she should ask people for a seat. She had weak knees and hypermobility that made it hard to stand/hold on/exercise.
She did eat too much, she comfort ate, it was stress related stemming from loss of a child and divorce.

If it was a big/tall man would you feel the same OP?
As women we can be so hard on each other.
There are some intetesting articles on women 'taking up space'.

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