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Original poster

Do you ever not send your child to school?

96 replies

Sonicknuckles · 09/07/2019 13:47

For example on the odd occasion if they are completely worn out/run down but not exactly poorly as such.

OP posts:

Crockof · 09/07/2019 16:59

I wish I'd allowed my primary kids more time off. They don't get behind if they miss a few days. I'm much more flexible now

freshasthebrightbluesky · 09/07/2019 17:02

They've never been that knackered that they've needed a day off. The only time my dc have stayed home on a school day is when they've been ill or at an appointment.

Pieceofpurplesky · 09/07/2019 17:07

'Pandering' and 'wallow' were your choice of words cassian - you didn't say snowflake but your choice of words was worse. You are very lucky and rather blinkered if you think the parents of children with mental health are not teaching their children to be robust. Teaching some of the children I teach to 'roll with the punches' is what they actually have to put up with- being punched - a very poorly thought out phrase.
Again you seem very lucky to have a robust child who you can push out to face the world whilst being concerned others are not as wonderful a parent as you. Next time I pick up DS off the floor I will tell him to be more robust and roll with the punches - you are one step away from telling someone with mental health issues they should pull themselves together.
I really hope you never have to go through what I have with DS - I can assure you he is one of the strongest people I know despite having missed some days at school.

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mbosnz · 09/07/2019 17:14

It's a pretty fine line really, between 'pandering' and oblivious to genuine loss of ability to cope, whether for physical or mental reasons.

I'm most probably a bit defensive, because I was brought up, 'she'll be right, reach into the pantry and grab a can of harden the fuck up', but I realised this was actually doing harm to my kids in their circumstances, and I needed to unlearn some attitudes and behaviours to help them both heal, but also learn to cope - i.e. be resilient.

What I have absolutely no time for, is enabling avoidance behaviours while not helping learn tools to cope and engage.

Ragwort · 09/07/2019 17:20

No never (DS finished 6th Form this year), but he has ever been ‘tired’ or run down so I never even considered it. I do think some children are kept off for really flakey reasons, it can lead to a lack of resilience, my DH works with a number of 20 somethings who need time off for ‘low mood’ ... meanwhile everyone else has to work twice as hard to cover their work .

Teachermaths · 09/07/2019 17:23

There's definitely a fine line between having a day off for mental health and kids learning to fake it. The occasional day off (once per term) for an otherwise good student is fine.

Otoh we have students whose parents will phone in for various spurious reasons and these students have no resilience. If faced with a minor problem/issue /plan change then all hell breaks loose. They aren't used to being told no or having boundaries, and know that it's ok because mum will let me have a few days off.

Generally if your child's attendance is below 95% and you haven't had an extended absence eg holiday or illness, then there is an attendance issue. Obviously there are exceptions to this.

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 17:25

It's something that we've all had to adjust to over here - this fixation on attendance and percentages! I can definitely understand it, and do appreciate it - the difference has been blindingly obvious these last two terms.

cojmum · 09/07/2019 17:31

My DS hates school and it breaks my heart, he's fights every morning. But I never let him have a day off, because I know that once that boundary has broken he will keep pushing.

If he is poorly then yes he can stay home.

GleefulGlitch · 09/07/2019 17:31

DD12 was up all night producing more vomit than should be possible for a child and the retching/crying/me cleaning puke of the walls kept her twin sister awake. The next day both were off school as non vomit twin was so tired she could not function.

Inevitably 24 hours later none vomit twin became vomit twin

Maniak · 14/07/2019 00:44

@MaryH90

Sorry, only just figured out email notifications!

I think that the children need to be educated, that education is a privilege and that formal school is an excellent resource. My kids are all doing well on literacy and maths, thanks to the school and the excellent teachers. If they were struggling it would probably be different.
We go out so they can practice stuff like navigating and figuring things out, and go to museums etc., or if they're tired they stay home and read or build something and have time to ask questions. I really think those days are good for them, their motivation and state of mind. If I ever got push back from the teachers, I would respect what they said, but I haven't so far.

About persistence, I mean, they're kids, and persistence as a virtue has to be linked to something substantive. Like, persist to achieve something or make something or support someone. Not just sit in a classroom.

I know I'm in the minority! As a general rule, I try to be as normal as possible, but this is really important to me. It means that when they are at school (most days!) they are keen and concentrating. That's what I imagine anyway! Obviously, I'm not there to see them lol.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 14/07/2019 00:53

I used to let my eldest have days off just because she was tired or would rather be at home or even for days out. Then I started working and couldn't offer the flexibility which she found difficult. My youngest has always been sent in unless poorly and he just gets on with it whereas eldest still tries it on asking for a day off most weeks.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 14/07/2019 01:52

Yes I have

Ds has had a very difficult 6 months his days are long and there have been times when he is totally exhausted

BenWillbondsPants · 14/07/2019 03:20

No, not unless they are unwell.

Someone mentioned mental health days upthread, that's a different thing altogether IMO, but being tired is not a mental health issue. Everyone gets tired and I deal with that with downtime and early nights.

Children shouldn't come to expect to stay off school because they're tired, some seem to have so little resilience these days and it's not good (for them).

I have a friend who lets her DS stay up til 10 playing his Xbox then keep him off school the next day because he's shattered. He's 9 years old.

Seahorseshoe · 14/07/2019 03:30

No. My kids didn't even think it was an option, unless they were genuinely poorly, so they didn't try it on.

I lost so much time from school myself, I wanted to learn from that, I opened the door to the wag-man once. My mum, who is fab by the way, just didn't have the energy to argue the toss sometimes.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 14/07/2019 03:47

Yes I do, although I’m not in the UK and am always really surprised by how strict attendance is there! I can honestly say I don’t know anyone here who has a “no, never, absolutely not” attitude to days off.

My daughter has just started high school (6 months ago) and has had quite a few days off so far, she’s exhausted and anxious but she’s gone from solid C’s all through primary school to A’s already in high school so I know she’s working hard. First report was outstanding as was the feedback on parent teacher night.

DS is in primary and I let him stay home too when I think he needs it. He’s always been a high achiever with excellent reports/ teacher feedback so I have no problem letting him have time off when needed.

BenWillbondsPants · 14/07/2019 04:05

“no, never, absolutely not” attitude to days off.

But posters are generally meaning for when their DCs are tired, not when they're actually unwell. That's not the same thing at all.

If my DCs are unwell they don't go to school, if they are tired they do. Just as they'll have to go to work when they're tired, like I do.

Longdistance · 14/07/2019 04:10

I would if my dds were in that situation. I work in a prep school and it’s not uncommon for me to get a call or email from a parent that their dc is exhausted and having the day off.
A day off won’t hurt them.

BenWillbondsPants · 14/07/2019 04:40

A day off won't hurt them, no, but if that starts to become a habit, then it can definitely become a problem. Especially if the child becomes aware that they'll get a day off if they say they're too tired to go to school.

It's also a pain on the arse when teaching and pupils have missed sections of work. Obviously this mostly applies to older children, but it is a problem as things can move on at a quicker pace. Can't be helped of they're genuinely ill, but I don't think it's a positive message to give kids if they're tired.

I also wonder how people manage this around their own jobs. I can't imagine calling my work to say I can't come into work (to teach) because I'm not sending my child to school because they're very tired.

UnderOverUnderRover · 14/07/2019 05:00

“no, never, absolutely not” attitude to days off.

I find this sad too, even for being tired or exhausted.

But I found the English school system shit and so glad to no longer be in it.

DD has had 3 days off this year from February. One she was sick and two days she was just run down.

But we moved countries last year, and this is her 3rd school in 6 months. I think that's teaching her 'resilience' more than forcing her to go to school.

SnowsInWater · 14/07/2019 05:27

Mine have had the occasional duvet day, generally for what we call "endoftermitis" where I have genuinely wondered how productive it would be to send them in.

Two are adults now with a strong work ethic, the 16yo loves her school so much there is usually something happening she doesn't want to miss but we end up with the occasional eleven week term here (Aus) so I will continue to do it if necessary.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2019 05:33

I did this year once as dd was too exhausted. It was off the back of a Mon - Fri school trip, outside in the driving rain all week and a packed weekend as dd was wound up from the residential and wouldn’t stop. By mid week she was absolutely exhausted. It was post yr6 sats so not much academic learning going on.

Her attendance is normally excellent. Less so this year due to recurrent illness. Just one of those things. She still passed her sats and I think self care is as important as academic achievement. Next time this happens we will be able to discuss what happened after her last school trip and talk about pacing herself. She is at school and very much learning about life and has a long way to go before entering the world of work.

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