I sure I will get dementia and I want to prepare. What should I do? **MNHQ has been requested to add a trigger warning**

[Hebdenbridge]

My mam has dementia and she did her mam. I can't bear the thought of my kids feeling obliged to look after me, or spend time with me even. It's awful.

I'm not sure what I can do to ease this burden in them, but surely there must be something? Am thinking suicide, when the time comes. But how do you know when is the right time? If you leave it too late, then I suspect you wouldn't actually do it. Also, does suicide affect life insurance payouts?

Maybe just being very clear that I want to be put in a home. So they don't have to feel guilty about that decision? And then also, they don't have to worry about me day to day?

I downloaded a form from Compassion in Dying. It doesn't just cover dementia. For a start I am going to find a way to indicate that I refuse antibiotics at certain stages in my life. Sorry this is such a morbid subject, but people are kept alive for a decade or more, with very little quality of life, with illnesses that used to cause a natural quick death.

Yes we all have the right to refuse treatment

What age were your relatives when they got dementia? I think that the inherited likelihood is mainly if they had early onset dementia.

I can understand the wondering if you will get it and looking out for signs (e.g. You forget something and immediately wonder if that's the start of it) as both my parents have/had dementia.

I think telling your DC that you really are happy to go into a home is really important. I can remember my mum saying once she never wanted to go into a home and that if she became too frail to care for herself she would like a carer at home (parents were savers). This meant that I juggled caring myself, getting carers in at home until my father was in the position he would have needed 2 carers around the clock when we had to make the difficult decision for them to move to a home. And here is the good news - that I wish mum had moved into the home a couple of years previously- there are activities and things to stimulate her - I think she would have remained more alert for longer.

Regarding costs - you have to pay for care if you have more than £23,000 savings and if you own your own home you will need to sell to fund your care unless there is a dependent or spouse still living there - at which point the state will pay. If it worries you about there being nothing left for your DC to inherit I would look to see what you can give away legally now.

Definitely downsize / move into easily manageable accommodation and clear out any build up of belongings / paperwork you may have. From experience it's not fun for your DC if they have to do that.

And please don't commit suicide. I can't imagine any thing worse for your DC than the guilt of knowing you had killed yourself to save them caring for you.

I don't know anything about living will in terms of refusing medical care but definitely be clear that you will want none-resuscitation.

I want a dementia home or dignitas

Dignitas for me, but they won’t take a person with dementia as they are not mentally fit to consent.
My mother and grandmother had dementia and as pps have said, these two lovely, kind woman had in the early stages a complete character change and became very unpleasant to everyone around them.
Dh and I have signed living wills, but I’m not sure what good they will do.

Me too, Mother and Grandma had Alzheimer's, big reason I've never stopped smoking

Dementia doesn't necessarily mean a personality change so that the person becomes mean and critical. My mum was quite difficult when she was showing the first signs, I think because she could tell she was unwell and was frightened. She's now quite advanced and is really sweet and amenable most of the time.

Smoking raises your risk of dementia I think. as does drinking.

Yes I was thinking that.... accountant222... smoking raises your risk of dementia, so surely you should stop smoking.
Or did you mean you want to die young from smoking, which won't necessarily happen?