I sure I will get dementia and I want to prepare. What should I do? **MNHQ has been requested to add a trigger warning**

[Hebdenbridge]

My mam has dementia and she did her mam. I can't bear the thought of my kids feeling obliged to look after me, or spend time with me even. It's awful.

I'm not sure what I can do to ease this burden in them, but surely there must be something? Am thinking suicide, when the time comes. But how do you know when is the right time? If you leave it too late, then I suspect you wouldn't actually do it. Also, does suicide affect life insurance payouts?

Maybe just being very clear that I want to be put in a home. So they don't have to feel guilty about that decision? And then also, they don't have to worry about me day to day?

Agree with getting a lasting power of attorney set up and writing a will plus a living will. Make it absolutely clear that you don't want your children to sacrifice their careers or relationships with their partner and children to be your carers and absolutely want to go into a care home. Checking out homes in the area as you approach the age your mother was diagnosed at and having a preference of your own would be helpful to your children.

Age UK have good advice on their website on planning but also on living with early stage dementia.

It doesn't work that way with dementia, unfortunately. Many who were loving, wonderful kind people in life become utter monsters when in the grips of this disease.

YY to this. It's exactly what's happened to my lovely dad and it is so cruel and unfair.

OP, you do need LP A, not to burden people with making decisions for you, but to ensure that when you're unable to make decisions yourself anymore, they are made on your behalf by trusted people you love, not by random social services staff or, worse, to have paralysis where no one can make decisions for you because no one is empowered to do so.

How old are you? I'm mid 30s and honestly I'm hoping that in the next 40-50 years they'll legalise Dignitas style clinics in the UK. There are inherent flaws. But having watched some of my older relatives decline and die, it seems like a much more comfortable option in some ways.

I am mid 40s sar302. There is no way I can save for dementia care, it's hard at too expensive. I'm a single parent to 2 kids and have a mortgage to pay

doesn't work that way with dementia, unfortunately. Many who were loving, wonderful kind people in life become utter monsters when in the grips of this disease

On the sunny side then, I don't have to start being nice to people 🤣

A trigger warning for what MNHQ?

My guess is the trigger warning relates to the suicide discussions.

And you're right OP, saving for dementia care isn't realistic. At the moment it's a question of selling the affected person's assets - ie my dad's house - to pay for it. Who knows what will happen in the future though as there will be a full blown dementia epidemic among the elderly soon enough.

That's assuming they are found, often they aren't.

They will still be compelled to look and many country's emergency services will charge for this plus it may well impact everyone on the ship. CCTV footage will also be examined and well, if it doesn't look like an 'accident', which is actually quite hard to simulate, the death will be ruled what it is: a suicide. But hey, fuck over all the other passengers.

oralb I don't think anyone is ACTUALLY advocating jumping off a cruise ship. It was just an example. I definitely wouldn't use any method whereby family wouldn't find my body or that I would be found by strangers e.g. hanging in a forest or somesuch which would cause distress

I'm in a similar position and I had genetic testing done with 23andme which picked up that I have a copy of the APOE4 gene- this increases my risk by around 3X which was hard to hear. But there is research being done and it seems the link is heart disease- it also increases the risk for that- it is to do with cholesterol levels. I had my levels checked by the GP and they are thankfully OK. But I am trying to help myself by eating more healthy - a mediterranean diet is meant to be good- and exercise. I felt so stressed but it could be worse- could have double copy not one, and my aunt and mum are Ok so far (maternal grandmother had it badly)

So overall maybe focus on what you can do...I also would like a get out plan though, not to pay for years for care and deprive my DC of that money.

They will still be compelled to look and many country's emergency services will charge for this plus it may well impact everyone on the ship. CCTV footage will also be examined and well, if it doesn't look like an 'accident', which is actually quite hard to simulate

Yes, it's not easy to accidentally fall off a cruise ship. They do have to look and will turn back to search. Still if OP wants to be shark food and inconvenience everybody else in the process who cares about the rest of the passengers and the crew.

I understand where you are coming from. Also worth looking at any health measures that may have a preventative or stalling effect (eg healthy diet etc). The book How Not to Die is good on this.

Working in care I can say hands down that I will be ending my life myself if that time comes.

I love my residents. I care for them with dignity and compassion, but it’s not a life for me.

I’m also counting on Dignitas-style clinics being legal should dementia get me.

My grandmother has had it for the last 8+ years. My mum has made it clear, like you OP, that if it happens to her we need to put her in a home. She nearly had a breakdown trying to keep her mother safe and happy in her own home.

But I don’t think care homes are the answer for me. I would rather end my life than live out years and years with no dignity, just fear and confusion. It’s the longest living death imaginable.

Still if OP wants to be shark food and inconvenience everybody else in the process who cares about the rest of the passengers and the crew

Have I not said multiple times now, that I will NOT be jumping off a cruise ship. Can you just go troll elsewhere please, I find it really tiresome

My Nan and her three daughters all had dementia
One is my mum
I’m not getting it

There is a book called Still Alice by Lisa Genova. Alice gets an early onset Alzheimers and while still OK, she makes a plan how to make her future confused self to kill herself. Worth reading IMO.

I don't think you would do it huh, otherwise there WOULD be alot of people actually doing it?

I know of a suicide where life insurance did pay out. The family expected to get nothing but they did - it was based on how long the policy had been in place, etc and was relatively recent.

I'd forgo the life insurance payout to avoid having to go down the advanced dementia road. There's no amount of money worth that, IME. I'll end things before that.

Also ground paying £50k a year for dementia care soon cancels out the life insurance. I'd rather leave my house to my kids to split and no insurance, than; have them spend the house money on my care (plus whatever contribution after that quickly is spent) and have to endure 10 years of demented me

Pneumonia used to be called 'old person's friend' because it is a common short illness that kills older, frail people. Nowadays though, it's easily treated with antibiotics, making it harder to die from. I've printed out a 'living will' form. It has room for quite specific directions and scenarios. One of the instructions can be to refuse antibiotics for pneumonia etc. . It's on my to-do list for the summer hols!

I'm only 49 but watching my very old and frail mum surviving rather than living has inspired me to take control of this for when I'm old.

Charley I had thought of those kind of angles

I've just been looking more at Living Will/advanced care planning/LPA. Im definitely going to do that and that covers you once you have lost cognitive ability to make decisions. BUT that is pretty advanced dementia isn't it. There is a lengthy period before that stage, which begins even before diagnosis; where your memory is failing, you become quite childlike, unpredictable, not always making GOOD decisions but lucid and definitely able to make decisions. That is a really tough time for families and actually the individual I think. Which brings me back to suicide again...and probably at an early stage than I was considering before I started this thread 🤔

It looks like the Peaceful Pill Handbook is no longer available...none on market place in Amazon. Link from Exit International is broken