I sure I will get dementia and I want to prepare. What should I do? **MNHQ has been requested to add a trigger warning**

[Hebdenbridge]

My mam has dementia and she did her mam. I can't bear the thought of my kids feeling obliged to look after me, or spend time with me even. It's awful.

I'm not sure what I can do to ease this burden in them, but surely there must be something? Am thinking suicide, when the time comes. But how do you know when is the right time? If you leave it too late, then I suspect you wouldn't actually do it. Also, does suicide affect life insurance payouts?

Maybe just being very clear that I want to be put in a home. So they don't have to feel guilty about that decision? And then also, they don't have to worry about me day to day?

Should have previewed link fix to the Ted Talk

Get LPA for both health matters and financial ones now. You can set it up to only come into force when you've lost capacity, but you have to put it in place before that. And tell your family to find a good care home for you when the time comes and not to feel guilty.

Do what you can to prevent it then set up an LPA, set up an advanced directive and then speak to your family so that they are clear what your wishes are eg my family know that I do not want to resuscitated, even now, I don't want to be on life support if there is no prospect of recovery etc.

Insurance companies do pay out in suicide cases. My husbands did. I think it all depends on the policy.

Thank you to everyone for your replies and links. I hope to watch the TED-talk tomorrow.

To answer a few points. I am confident that I don't need counseling around this. I live my life, I am not constantly worrying about this, it doesn't affect me day to day. I am not even scared of having dementia myself, I'm pretty resigned to the fact. It just sickens me to think of my children trying to look after me, spend time with me, just the whole experience of a parent with dementia really. It's frigging hideous. My mum is still alive and only 4 years or so into dementia, so not even that bad relatively speaking. I have lots of feelings about it, but they include strong feelings of anger and frustration and I don't want my kids to have that about me

Can tell you from experience that life insurance definitely doesn't pay out for suicide, so if you're serious about that route, mouth shut, and happy accident of the back of a cruise ship leaving a diary full of future dreams this is great. I hadn't thought of the happy accident angle ❤️

I imagine Dignitas is very very expensive? I don't think I could travel to Switzerland once demented? Plus, it just feels terribly sad and lonely to do that. I definitely think happy accident, has potential

Work on being a better, kinder person (so when our conscious isn't entirely running the show, we've built up kind habits that will fit into automatically for us)

THIS is excellent advice. I'm definitely going to work hard at this. Because my mam is mean, cantankerous, critical, offensive, angry, argumentative...just really awful to spend time with. It's really difficult to be out in public with her or to have her involved in things with other people. My gran was the same.

I'm not sure LPA is useful for the things I am worried about?. I DONT want someone else burdened with making decisions for/about me

My life insurance does cover suicide after two years of policy, so worth checking.

I don't understand how people afford to save enough to care for dementia care??! I have just had a quick Google ....it's £1k/week?!

LPA

But also lose weight, don’t smoke, eat a healthy & varied diet, cut back on drink, and exercise regularly.

And don’t worry about it. Enjoy your life.

Exit International. I'd find a way to get my hands on pentobarbital and end things. Sorry, that's just me but it's how I would prepare. At the first sign, I'd drink that down and end my life.

I don't drink or smoke and am a healthy weight, do plenty of exercise and my job keeps my mind active. As I said I DONT worry about this day to day and I DO enjoy life. I am looking for advice on how to ease the burden on my kids, when the time comes

The problem with living wills and POA is that basically all you can do is ask for no life-prolonging or preserving measures to be done, but you cannot ask to be put out at a time you might have felt, before the dementia is advanced, was right for you, there's no legally assisted suicide and even if there was it probably won't extend to those with advanced dementia as, even if they stated before they got sick that they wanted to end things if the dementia advanced, there's no way to guarantee that they still consent to ending their lives, so investigating suicide isn't inadvisable, sadly, if you have a strong history of inherited dementia.

And whilst 'living well', not smoking or drinking, exercise and good weight, mindfulness, can increase life expectancy and possibly protect somewhat against certain illnesses, of course it not bulletproof and no guarantee at all of quality of life, sadly. I think we sort of drink from a poisoned chalice in some respects, because the biggest risk factor for both dementia and cancer is age, the body just isn't as good at performing some functions as it increases in age.

happy accident

Going off the back of a cruise ship wouldn't be a happy accident. You'd cause stress to so many people.

I am starting to plan for the same thing, but I am also changing my diet and doing brain exercises to try and stave it off too. I think little bits help as well.... I am watching my uncle slip away at the moment and it scares the shit out of me. (Plus I am studying nursing). I eat a modified keto diet, I take fish oil and omega 3 supplements, and am on HRT. I ingest high quantities of antioxidants in my diet and take resveratrol. I don’t drink alcohol excessively and am cutting back on caffeine. I am increasing water. I exercise daily and I “do” as much for myself as I can and will continue to do so. I make long and short-term plans for myself that make me happy. (Seeing friends, socializing, holidays, life goals, studying) I am 47 and have made my long-term health plans clear to my children and husband and in my will. I have what we call a Medical Power of Attorney here in Australia, and I keep a copy of it on my phone, so all who are involved know it can be printed and shown to doctors if necessary.

Work on being a better, kinder person (so when our conscious isn't entirely running the show, we've built up kind habits that will fit into automatically for us)

It doesn't work that way with dementia, unfortunately. Many who were loving, wonderful kind people in life become utter monsters when in the grips of this disease.

And off the back of a cruise ship is really a twat thing to do. Many people are on holidays like cruises because they themselves are on a last holiday of a lifetime. When someone does this it can affect the entire ship, emergency services will deploy people and effort and resources to try to rescue the person, the ship may need to skip a destination, your family need to repatriate your remains and travel insurance will then decide if they'll meet the costs, etc. Please don't do this to other people! That's really selfish.

If anything look at multiple drug intoxication with an eye to an accidental death verdict but be very careful researching this because if you do it in any way that can be traced the inquiry may likely rule the death a suicide.

Exit International and The Peaceful Pill Handbook are the ways to go.

My great grandma , grandma and now my mum all had/have dementia.
What I've learned is plan your future whilst you are able. Downsize you home to something manageable or even supported living. Get a will made whilst you are of sound mind. Tell your family what you'd like for the future, write it down but do say they are free to change your choices if they think it's best. Give the things you want to go to certain people to them whilst you're of sound mind, like jewelry, money etc, and write it down signed by both parties so there is proof when, inevitably, someone is accused of stealing. Do LPA's. Put your property in trust or the persons name that you wish to inherit.
Do all these things whilst you are still lucid, informed and of sound mind.
Tell people you love them, tell them why, speak about happy times, memorable moments. Then they know how you really feel and if your mind is altered by dementia they will always remember. Write a diary or letters to your loved ones, not for your death but for when/if your mind fails.
Have a family meeting and openly discuss your future.

My family know that I am to go into a home if the time comes, there is absolutely NO WAY I would live with them. The only caveat is that they have to visit me occasionally. And make sure my home isn’t one of those where they beat up the inmates.

your family need to repatriate your remains

That's assuming they are found, often they aren't.

As pp said, you could easily die from an accident or other illness before then,
so keep your will up to date

You can check your insurance policy t&c, small print on what kinds of death are not covered
Many do pay out after suicide, so long as it is at least 2 years after policy was taken out

One thing I found useful when my Nana had dementia, although it’s more a living with it thing, is we’d done the family tree and while doing that she’d told me lots of stories from her childhood. I’d written them down and stuck them in a folder and disregarded then as not relevant to the tree. However, talking about her school pals and childhood pets was a real comfort to her when it was bad as she could remember them, but not us.

I’ve written down a few things for my kids just in case. Talking to her was much more pleasant all round when the conversations weren’t confusing for her.

I feel exactly the same and although my relatives had dementia later in life (80s) an ex recently died of an early onset version so now I worry about that too.

Also I am single so have no one to prompt me or send me to the doctor if I show signs. This also means I will not be independent for as long. My family member in their 80s is still at home because their spouse cares for them but if alone they could not survive a day.

Some useful advice on here.

There's going to be a lot of us 'falling' off the back of cruise ships. Its just a matter of time before they catch on.

Yeah, I wouldn't have the guts for falling off a cruise ship. Plus I don't want my last experience to be on s flipping cruise. I would find another way

Make an advanced notice.

I am making one, that incase of dementia or other illness/disease that you're unable to have capacity, that the plug will be pulled so to speak.