It doesn’t matter if I SAH because I didn’t have a career anyway

[AriadneesWeb]

I’ve been a SAHM for two years. I’m fed up and desperate to return to work. This morning DH told me it doesn’t matter if I’m a SAHM because I didn’t have a well paid job beforehand and it’s not like I’ve had to leave an actual career.

DH has a well paid career. I had a zero hour job which paid slightly above minimum wage. When I got pregnant they made an excuse not to give me any more work. We agreed it was best for me to SAH for a while because I’d struggle to find another job while heavily pregnant and the cost of childcare would exceed my earnings. But it’s been a couple of years and I’m fed up with it now.

Since I’ve been at home DH likes to moan that I don’t contribute enough and he’s the only one bringing in any money. He whinges about how his female colleagues work and still look after their children. But when I suggest returning to work he says no because my earning potential is too low and we’d be worse off, and he wouldn’t be able to fully commit to his career if he was equally responsible for childcare. So I can’t win.

Basically he’s bitter because he sees other women who have a career that pays enough to return to work and he’s angry that I don’t have that, thus putting him in the situation of being sole provider. But there’s nothing I can do about that, I can’t magic up a highly paid career to return to. And I don’t think being a low earner means I should have to accept staying at home when I don’t want to.

You’re absolutely right. I do have a well paid career (that I’ve worked very hard for many years and through having two dc to achieve). But after I had my first, going back to work was not an immediate financial benefit to us. Most of the time my earnings just covered childcare costs, and as I was also completing a (postgrad) degree, sometimes we were worse off.

My dh carried the load those years and family literally gifted us money for nursery costs instead of Christmas and birthday presents so we could stay afloat. I now have a very good career and we are very comfortable, but it’s because I had the support to put in those years when there was little short term gain from me working.

But your dh needs to get his head out of his arse and accept that, assuming you can afford to pay your bills and keep a roof over your head, that there are advantages to both of you to sharing the load. My dh’s career has taken a bit more of a backseat now that I’m back to work. He works shorter hours around the school days (as do I several days a week). But we’re both happier getting to do what we want. Surely, a few less hours a week to care for children is easier than if you divorced and he had them on his own 50% of the time!

Why not retrain? Use this time to gain some decent qualifications and he can stay home?

If you want to return to work then you should do so. Your DH will have to step up and take his share of the childcare and housework.

Of course it will cost a lot in childcare, but that’s a cost you will both have to pay as you both decided to have the kids.

The highest costs are only for the first few years. It’s short term pain for longer term gain. How many years until you get your pension?

I’d also advise you to look at retraining or studying to improve your earning potential . Because if you and your husband split up then chances are he will only ( at best ) be supporting the kids, not you.

This is all about your DH being an absolute arse and not appreciating you or your contribution to the marriage and family.

You could work out what it would cost to pay a cleaner, cook, PA and nursery and tell him to reconsider his unkind and unsupportive approach.

What would you like to do? Once your DC are at school and you have a bit of time, is there something you could train to do? I'm not suggesting for one minute that you should have to do this, but if you did want to, then it might be good for your own self-esteem and happiness to have a plan.

He either shuts up or actively grows up and helps facilitate changes. Whether that be sharing childcare (despite his precious job) whilst you possible retrain or get different qualifications, or realise it takes time, years often, to gain a higher salary depending on what job someone has.

Your dh is being an immature prick.

Why not retrain? Use this time to gain some decent qualifications and he can stay home?
If I’m retraining and he’s at home, who would be earning to pay the bills?

It’s short term pain for longer term gain
DH said he’d agree to me returning to work if that was the case. But I won’t be any better off in the long term by taking a financial loss in order to return to work, because my job had no progression opportunities.

Your DH will have to step up and take his share of the childcare and housework
So he has to dial back his career and earn less just so I can lose money working in a minimum wage job. He’ll never agree to that.

So he has to dial back his career and earn less just so I can lose money working in a minimum wage job. He’ll never agree to that

Well if he refuses to do anything, you're stuck aren't you? Unless of course you ignore him and work despite what he says.

What would you like to do for a job? It sounds like you'd need to build up some skills in order to return to work, but could that be something you fit around your current commitments - studying in the evenings and at weekends? Yes, your DH is going to have to step up if he doesn't want to be the sole earner, and that is going to mean him potentially giving up some leisure time to look after his own children. But I agree with Rosemary46, you need to be thinking about the longer term, and how you'd support yourself if you had to.

I'm sorry but what was he thinking when he had children with you? As in how did he think the logistics were going to work?

So he wants to have his career and focus on that. Which means taking very little responsibility for your jointly created children?
But you? You can't have a career to focus on because then he'd have to do his share? What?

When the kids get older and go to school the logistics of this will perhaps become easier but... I would be seriously pissed off at my partner if he acted this way.

I'm a SAHM too. DS is now 2. My job would have literally covered the nursery fees and that's it if I went back to work. OH brings in all the money. I do the childcare and the housework. We both agreed that my return to work was not the right decision for all of us so I stay at home for now.
I loved my job very much but it was a sacrifice that was needed. It wasnt highly paid but I loved it.

Did you not have that discussion?
Did you not have that discussion when you were pregnant? Because I'm struggling to see why he's so pissed off about it now... surely this is something he knew would happen?

I can hear resentment coming from him but very little in the way of solutions. Tell him until he can come up with a resolution to this situation (you've already tried resolving it) he needs to shut up and put up.

What would you like to do?
I actually have a MSc degree already in a STEM subject. I also have autism that manifests mainly through social difficulties. Basically I get interviews on paper but employers don’t want to hire me because I make people feel uncomfortable in person. DH thought he was marrying an equal but while he succeeded in getting a graduate job I was stuck in temp jobs because employers never wanted to hire me. Hence why I think he’s now angry about having a SAHM instead of an equal partner like he expected.

I ruled out retraining because employers still won’t want to hire me. But before pregnancy I was doing evening courses in pottery with the hope of starting a small business because I think self employment is the only way I’ll ever have a proper job. Obviously that’s not possible now because it’s unrealistic to invest money and pay childcare while I mess around with a hobby that might never make a profit. I don’t know what to do to be honest.

I'm sorry to hear that your autism has held you back. My DS has autism and I know that it can make social interactions really challenging sometimes.

However, I'm not sure I understand how your DH thought he was marrying an equal (in terms of earning potential) if you've never had anything other than low paid jobs because of the autism. Surely he knew about the autism and the low paid jobs when he married you and when you got pregnant?

Just because you didn't have a career before, doesn't mean you can never have one. Start having a look around at jobs which may start off at a low grade but have potential to move up. You haven't said what your past skills / experience are. You might need to identify some skills that will help you get that first step.

You need to think about your pension, and so does he. (he's probably got a nice one building up)

I doubt your husband's salary will drop much, if at all, if he stops doing the extra hours that he's facilitated by you to do now. Lots of men are now open at work about their family commitments, and workplaces are not generally unreasonable when it comes to flexible working if they are asked.

It doesn't sound as if he respects you very much. Look out for yourself, because I could see you shouldering the wifework, ALL the childcare AND your job, while his situation remains unchanged. Don't let that happen.

There are lots of opportunities in IT that are remote working, would that appeal? So if you trained up on a specific software (think database, Salesforce, Oracle, etc.) and could then do contract work. That can be very well-paid and also flexible.

You're obviously not stupid, it would be a shame to waste that potential.

Isn’t it funny how his female colleagues can hold down a career and children but he can just about manage with the career bit whilst someone else does all the child stuff?

If he’s not prepared to do more family stuff as well as a career whilst you retrain, then he can STFU.

Did you not have that discussion when you were pregnant?
Yes we had that discussion. My job wanted rid because I was pregnant and nobody was going to hire me with a huge bump so we agreed I’d have to stay at home. Post birth we agreed that we’d be worse off if I worked and I wasn’t losing anything by not getting another temp job. But it was less a decision than the fact there was no other option. What DH really wanted was for me to return to work and earn significantly more than childcare cost, but that wasn’t possible.

I'm not sure I understand how your DH thought he was marrying an equal (in terms of earning potential) if you've never had anything other than low paid jobs
We’d recently graduated when we got married. He (and I) had every expectation that I’d get a graduate job and be able to progress. Obviously it never happened because nobody would hire me. Meanwhile he got hired straight away and has been promoted multiple times.

Start having a look around at jobs which may start off at a low grade but have potential to move up
I’ve been doing that for best part of a decade since I graduated. Nobody will hire me. Employers feed back that I’m qualified but too shy, not talkative or smiling enough, make people feel uncomfortable and come across as unfriendly and nervous. I try to copy people and make small talk and eye contact and smile, but then they say it feels forced and awkward and I say the wrong things. If they wouldn’t hire me with a brand new degree I doubt they’ll hire me several years later.

OP, it's not up to YOU to earn ' significantly more than childcare cost'

It's up to you to earn 50% of childcare costs - just because you gave birth to DC doesn't mean you are the default childcare provider unless you can cover the costs to outsource it. Your DC's father needs to cover 50%, and 50% of all the other stuff that needs doing.

Spend some time identifying what you want to do as a career (not a hobby), make a plan showing training and progression opportunities. Show it to your husband with the caveat that you will only be able to fulfil your potential with his support.

Do you want a career? If so I think you're entitled to one. What STEM subject? Perhaps you could target more autism friendly careers or employers? Also did you declare your autism before interviews? If employers don't know they may interpret your interview style as offish (not a manifestation of your diagnosis). You have a disabilitity but that doesn't mean that with the right support you can't have a career. Specialist interview coaching could help. Could you find a psychologist locally who specialises in working with adults with ASD to help coach you through? Your DH sounds unsupportive, from where you are now he needs to support you (even if you don't cover childcare to begin with).
A good option for you is looking at an entry-level scientist post within the NHS. Technicians, lab assistant, there are all sorts of roles. If you go to NHS job type in your area and type in scientists into the search term and then search for Band 2 3 and 4 jobs this may give you some ideas of what's available. I say this as they are quite good at being inclusive around protected characteristics and there is a career progression structure...

I think you have a DH problem above all else, he sounds like such a controlling arsewipe it’s untrue...

He can’t complain about you not working then equally say it’s not beneficial for you to return to work. He also knew your ‘earning potential’ before he decided to marry and procreate with you. Honestly, some people astonish me.

I’d use this time to look into open university courses perhaps? Could be an idea. And maybe divorce lawyers while you’re at it.

A session with a careers coach is a very good suggestion.

Also, start thinking positively.

Isn’t it funny how his female colleagues can hold down a career and children but he can just about manage with the career bit
I understand they’re part time or flexible workers who won’t be able to progress until they go back to full time and are able to put in the hours. DH can’t afford to do that.

Your 'D' H doesn't get the final say on whether or not you work.

As a PP said he is responsible for 50% of the childcare costs, so as long as your wage covers the other 50% there is no problem... if he expects you to cover his 50% and you do so by being a SAHM then he's got no right to complain.

All that said it does seem an awful shame that an intelligent woman can't work because she doesn't have the necessary 'marketable' skills (smiling, etc, you mentioned), and because of childcare issues.

Try a careers coach, and have a look at the NHS jobs a PP mentioned, as a start. There will be something out there for you.

And stop listening to your DH - your life choices aren't his to make.