It doesn’t matter if I SAH because I didn’t have a career anyway

[AriadneesWeb]

I’ve been a SAHM for two years. I’m fed up and desperate to return to work. This morning DH told me it doesn’t matter if I’m a SAHM because I didn’t have a well paid job beforehand and it’s not like I’ve had to leave an actual career.

DH has a well paid career. I had a zero hour job which paid slightly above minimum wage. When I got pregnant they made an excuse not to give me any more work. We agreed it was best for me to SAH for a while because I’d struggle to find another job while heavily pregnant and the cost of childcare would exceed my earnings. But it’s been a couple of years and I’m fed up with it now.

Since I’ve been at home DH likes to moan that I don’t contribute enough and he’s the only one bringing in any money. He whinges about how his female colleagues work and still look after their children. But when I suggest returning to work he says no because my earning potential is too low and we’d be worse off, and he wouldn’t be able to fully commit to his career if he was equally responsible for childcare. So I can’t win.

Basically he’s bitter because he sees other women who have a career that pays enough to return to work and he’s angry that I don’t have that, thus putting him in the situation of being sole provider. But there’s nothing I can do about that, I can’t magic up a highly paid career to return to. And I don’t think being a low earner means I should have to accept staying at home when I don’t want to.

I've worked with so many people over the years who had the most shockingly poor social skills, that I wonder if perhaps you've been looking at the wrong kind of jobs OP. There are lots of jobs where you don't need to be hugely sociable, smiley etc. There are also so many possibilities to work remotely or from home too. Have you considered if that may be an option?

I also wonder if you were declaring your autism at work, because if you were then I think that your previous employer may have been discriminating against you on the grounds of disability and possibly pregnancy too.

If you have an MSc in a STEM subject, have you considered technical/science/medical copywriting? You'd need to investigate training, but it's often home-based, working via an agency. Also lab tech/medical tech roles, within the NHS or for a university?

Have you worked in the public sector before @AriadneesWeb? It does sound like your previous employers weren't autism-friendly at all, and most public sector organisations are much better at making adjustments so that work is better for you and they get to benefit from your skills.

Your DH isn't being fair - he's grumbling without coming up with any sort of solution, and basically saying that his happiness comes first, as he's not willing to make any sacrifices to his career for your happiness and wellbeing.

Look into options for jobs you've never considered before - doesn't need to be graduate schemes or anything like that, and tell your DH he's being unfair and you deserve to have a fulfilling work life too. What happened in the past is not a predictor of what will happen in the future.

If you want to return to work you don’t need your DH approval. Childcare costs are a joint cost so come out of family money not just your earnings. Get back into the work place and look for internal opportunities.

OP, do you actually TELL the company and interviewer that you are autistic?
Because if you do, they can make allowance for it, and also put in place any adjustments you need in your working environment.
DD1 is autistic. She has a maths degree, and landed a well paid job in financial services with a major British bank, working in risk analysis.
Her company (with her permission) gave her future colleagues a full briefing on how to work with autistics, provided a private room she could withdraw to if she had a meltdown, invited her to take a role in their autism support network, and provided free counselling and therapy sessions as required.
Modern companies are much more clued up about supporting their staff on the spectrum, and you’ll find loads of fellow autistics working in maths, IT and engineering. Our particular skills of deep focus, logical thinking and attention to detail are highly valued in such areas.
Please don’t be defeatist- get out there and sell your autism as an advantage, not a handicap! Good luck, and there is definitely a good job out there somewhere with your name on it.

There's a big difference between going part-time and just stopping doing all the extra unpaid hours that your husband is probably doing in order to get on. When I went back to work (full time) my DH couldn't POSSIBLY even THINK about changing his work pattern, which meant that I reduced my hours by one hour a day and was stuck doing all the nursery pick-ups which, in turn, meant I wasn't taken seriously at work, missed out on after-work activities etc etc. It's fundamentally not fair.

I threw an almighty tantrum, it wasn't working for me and he needed to make a bloody effort. Surprisingly enough, when he asked his employers if he could do a late start and late finish on some days, and a longer day and a shorter day, but still the same number of hours so no drop in income.... surprise surprise, they agreed. All he had to do was ask, and that's all your husband needs to do as well. If they say no, then you work it from there, but as it is you have the situation that it could be a possibility, but your husband's ego is getting in the way.

did you declare your autism before interviews?
I tried it but I wasn’t getting any interviews. Recruitment consultants advised taking it off because it was a deterrent and a reason to rule me out of the shortlist when they had numerous applicants. After removing it I got interviews but failed every time when they met me in person.

He can’t complain about you not working then equally say it’s not beneficial for you to return to work
He wants me to work and for it to be beneficial. Unfortunately that’s not one of the options on the table at present. He’s annoyed that’s not an option and blames me because I’ve failed to make it an option.

I'm in a similar situation to you but many years on. Fortunately, I have a very understanding DH, who let me do the things I'm good at and it's all worked out well.

I would say if your face doesn't fit in employed work, start thinking is there something you can do from home. Matched betting, investing, ebaying, pretty much anything that gets you some money and helps with your confidence. Depending on how much time you have, the DC won't be little for that long and if he's resentful now...

It helps with the balance of power.

Point out the worth of having a good home life and happy kids too, as he would not have them if he didn't have you to provide and look after them.

I've got a career and I went back. I can afford childcare. However, what I would say to your husband is "bollocks to you!".

He knew when he met you that you did not have a career. He knew you had a zero hour job. He accepted that and had a child with you. My husband left school with nothing and I have always been the main wage earner. I don't resent him because he is the man I chose to marry! It's only now our child is a little older that he is dipping his toe into retraining. It is not a quick thing to retrain and will take him years. That's ok, I just want him to be happy.

I will admit there have been times in ours lives where I have been envious of my friends lifestyles (both they and their husbands have well paid jobs). But I love my husband will support him where he needs it.

If your dh wants you to progress then he needs to support you with developing yourself at some point.

There's a big difference between going part-time and just stopping doing all the extra unpaid hours
DH reckons the extra hours are necessary just to keep his job. They’d sack him if deadlines weren’t being met or he was refusing overnight trips.

they can make allowance for it, and also put in place any adjustments
Nobody will even employ me, which is pretty essential before they can make any allowances or adjustments. I could only get temp work where they’ll basically hire anyone who’s breathing. They don’t want me for any job where they actually care who they hire.

Modern companies are much more clued up about supporting their staff on the spectrum
I’ve found the opposite. They’re very clued up about their liabilities and my legal rights if they choose to employ me. One employer told me they didn’t have room for “special treatment” because in such a small team everyone needs to pull their weight.

most public sector organisations are much better at making adjustments
Probably. I’ve mostly applied to small private sector companies as that’s where the majority of suitable jobs are, particularly in my region. I think I’m seen as more of a liability than an asset.

He knew when he met you that you did not have a career. He knew you had a zero hour job
He didn’t. He married a graduate who he was expecting to have a well paid professional career. He didn’t expect that employers wouldn’t want to hire me (neither did I tbh). Sometimes he’s understanding but other times (when we’re arguing) the truth comes out and he blames me and is angry that I’m not able to contribute more.

Just read your updates. Your DH is being a dick but on a completely separate note this crowd operate in Ireland

www.specialisterne.ie/

You might find a similar local company. They specialise in getting autistic people good jobs. With your qualifications and experience if this is something you want (and given the fact you are married to an arse and may need financial independence one day) it might be worth pursuing.

You're going to have to do something about your self confidence and start thinking a bit more positively. You do have a choice in this, but just seeing the negatives is going to make it all a lot harder. Take control, there are a lot of ideas here to get started, but if you fundamentally don't think there's any point because no-one will employ you, then that's going to hold you back. The change always has to start with you.

You're going to have to do something about your self confidence and start thinking a bit more positively
Truthfully I’m a bit beaten down. I’ve lost count of how many jobs I didn’t get an interview for, how many unsuccessful interviews and how many employers basically said you’re intelligent and qualified but we don’t like you as a person. It’s eight years since I graduated and I still haven’t been hired. I have no friends. Not even one. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried unsuccessfully to make a friend and been rejected. Then someone else comes along and the person who didn’t want to be my friend is air-kissing their cheeks and inviting them out. I don’t know what they’ve got that I haven’t. I tend to isolate myself now because I’ve accepted that people don’t like me even though I don’t understand why. Yes I have no self confidence, for understandable reasons.

tell him to get stretched. Find yourself a job and tell him to be a proper father, what a prize selfish cunt.
god, I couldn't be with such a misogynist.
Ask him how his female colleagues manage to get away with taking their kids to work if they are doing both.

He's a dick

OP have you reached out to local autism community. The reason I ask is because my neighbour and her DH both have autism (as has my DS and some other family members). She and I are friends through our kids but she has told me a few times how she prefers the company of her autistic friends as she feels they get each other better.

There are services out there to support you. There are definitely friends out there for you. It is not surprising your self esteem has taken a bit of a hammering. Be kind to yourself. You have huge worth even if others are beating you time this last while.

Oh @AriadneesWeb, I just want to give you a hug, you sound so defeated.
Please start to reach out and get support, I'm sure you have a lot to offer friends and employers. You need to find yourself, and your husband needs to help you - have you ever said to him what you said in your last post?

Perhaps part of the problem is that you have been applying to small companies.
They’re more likely to be risk averse to taking on an autistic if they’ve never had one before.
Try larger firms, where they probably have lots of autistics already, and recognise the benefits of employing them!
It really does vary between companies - DD was asked: “Is your autism cured yet?” by a previous line manager, and had six months of failed interviews for jobs where she was massively overqualified, before reaching her present position. But she’s now very happy, well supported, was head hunted internally and had two good pay rises.
Maybe prepare a short presentation on the advantages of your autism for the particular work you’re interviewing for. Be proactive about it. And believe in yourself, rather than retreat, hurt, from any contact with people! You have marketable skills, and you need to project that.

Op, are you sure your social skills are holding you back? My sister is autistic and works in a science based role. She too struggles with social skills and, having met many of her colleagues, so do many of them. She doesn't stand out at all. Whilst I'm sure I will be flamed for generalising, the sciences do seem to attract analytical thinkers rather than social butterflies. That is also my direct experience working with science departments.

Have companies actually told you that you make people uncomfortable? What is the feedback from job interviews? I suspect there is more to it than just your social skills, perhaps a gap in your knowledge also contributes? Or the lack of experience now I guess. Is there any room at all to do some voluntary work? I'm grasping at straws now because I know having kids can be very limiting for a while in terms of doing things like that!

In terms of your husband...we'll surely he realises that being bitter an resentful isn't going to solve the issue?

OP have you reached out to local autism community
There seems to be a lot of support for children and families but none for adults. I’m very high functioning, above average IQ, no sensory issues or repetitive behaviours, virtually no speech or language difficulties except the occasional repeated phrase. You wouldn’t know I’d been diagnosed unless I told you, so I don’t feel like I really fit in with a group of people whose difficulties can often be quite profound.

I mainly suffer from social problems, rigid thinking, anxiety and depression - and tbh much of the latter is due to the effect the social difficulties have had on my life. Initially I thought the opportunity to SAH was a gift because it relieved me of the necessity to interact socially (and the pain of failing to do it correctly). But it’s been two years, I’m so bored and I want to do something.

Have companies actually told you that you make people uncomfortable?
Yes. I’ve been told the interviewer felt awkward, the conversation was uncomfortable, I seemed weird, we didn’t click, I talked in too much depth about my interests to the point that it was awkward, I’m too shy, not chatty enough, not personable, not suitable for meeting clients, didn’t make eye contact or smile enough, didn’t shake hands with everyone, was rude when trying to make small talk, wouldn’t fit in with other employees, etc. I’ve been told that employers like to hire someone they feel rapport with and I need to address my social skills because the employer felt no rapport just discomfort. Some have tried to word it more nicely and said stuff like they didn’t think my personality was a match for the team. One company even offered me a job then bluntly withdrew it when I went in for an orientation session, because they realised that what they thought was interview nerves was actually my everyday personality. Slightly different wording but the same underlying reason, over and over for eight years now. I don’t doubt that it’s true because nobody has ever wanted to be my friend either, probably for the same reasons.

Or the lack of experience now I guess. Is there any room at all to do some voluntary work?
It’s eight years since I last did anything related to STEM. I don’t think I have much chance of a job now. No chance of doing unpaid voluntary work either when childcare is so expensive.

It does sound like a complete change of career is needed then. This is where your husband needs to be supportive rather than judgemental!

I mainly suffer from social problems, rigid thinking, anxiety and depression - and tbh much of the latter is due to the effect the social difficulties have had on my life

That sounds bloody tough to me OP. High functioning is a bit of an autism misnomer from what I have seen [[http://yourhealthguardian.com/2019/05/09/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/?fbclid=IwAR3VmDT3z7Px-GR8MAQggz_R9-U_Yaoqoi3IN1ElOjG3NC0H0kV-gaa1pfU]] does a good job on explaining it.

You have been through a rough time with very limited support. That is a pretty tough ask for anyone not least someone who has additional challenges. The suggestions I am focusing here on are asking you to reach out and try to get some support. Organisations for supporting autistic adults in work, autistic adults for friends who understand the struggles you’ve faced.

I have family members and friends at your stage and although this is Ireland and I presume you are UK, such things do exist. A lot of online stuff on Facebook/YouTube could get you started.

I maybe completely wrong but from my reading of what you have said I think you have boxed yourself into thinking, “I’m high functioning I should be able to manage all of this, what is wrong with me?”. Instead you should be realising, you are a bloody legend pulling off as much as you have done and continue to do in spite of significant challenges. I’m impressed with you.

I won’t keep annoying you . I wish you the best.