It doesn’t matter if I SAH because I didn’t have a career anyway

[AriadneesWeb]

I’ve been a SAHM for two years. I’m fed up and desperate to return to work. This morning DH told me it doesn’t matter if I’m a SAHM because I didn’t have a well paid job beforehand and it’s not like I’ve had to leave an actual career.

DH has a well paid career. I had a zero hour job which paid slightly above minimum wage. When I got pregnant they made an excuse not to give me any more work. We agreed it was best for me to SAH for a while because I’d struggle to find another job while heavily pregnant and the cost of childcare would exceed my earnings. But it’s been a couple of years and I’m fed up with it now.

Since I’ve been at home DH likes to moan that I don’t contribute enough and he’s the only one bringing in any money. He whinges about how his female colleagues work and still look after their children. But when I suggest returning to work he says no because my earning potential is too low and we’d be worse off, and he wouldn’t be able to fully commit to his career if he was equally responsible for childcare. So I can’t win.

Basically he’s bitter because he sees other women who have a career that pays enough to return to work and he’s angry that I don’t have that, thus putting him in the situation of being sole provider. But there’s nothing I can do about that, I can’t magic up a highly paid career to return to. And I don’t think being a low earner means I should have to accept staying at home when I don’t want to.

yourhealthguardian.com/2019/05/09/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/?fbclid=IwAR3VmDT3z7Px-GR8MAQggz_R9-U_Yaoqoi3IN1ElOjG3NC0H0kV-gaa1pfU

If you enjoyed your evening pottery classes could you return to something like that? Is dh home at least some evenings?

Alternatively could you look for weekend work if he works Mon to fri?

Definitely take on board the advice on here. Public sector employers would be worth exploring further. DH works for a very science based public sector employer and he reckons a sizeable percentage of their employees have high functioning autism. DH has just been diagnosed and has been offered so much support, but even before his diagnosis they were always an employer that accepted him and valued him despite the things he finds tricky.

Have a look at the "genius within" website, DH found them very helpful

Yes a complete change. No idea what! I’d have to retrain in the evenings when DH is at home. But I’m afraid that I’ll spend money and time on these shiny new qualifications and employers still won’t want to hire me. Also DH’s attitude will continue to be that his career comes first and my needs aren’t important because my career isn’t as good as his.

You mentioned one of the things that is manifested is Rigid Thinking. It comes across a little bit that this may have happened with your outlook on what could happen next. I’m not in anyway suggesting it hasn’t been tough and I’m not trying to undermine what you’ve been through, but is it possible that your focussing on thinking that nothing you do will fix the situation and there’s no point trying? I don’t know if that’s true, just something I noticed you’d said in one of your posts

What are your interests that you love to talk about in detail? Have you looked at research type jobs? If social skills aren’t your think then why look at jobs that are working with people? What area of STEM did you train in?

Sorry, I haven't read whole thread (yet), but wanted to reply before I go off and do dinner. Hope I'm not repeating what everyone else has said, if so just ignore me.

Your ol' man has a bit of a cheek saying 'it doesn't matter...you didn't have a career anyway', though he probably doesn't mean it cheekily.

It's entirely up to you whether or not you work and if you are getting fed up being at home, go for it. You may end up having a career, who knows? However the important things to consider are, child care obviously, journey, money, interest. Find something that interests you.

Let us know how you get on.

High functioning is a bit of an autism misnomer
Yes. Invisible is perhaps a better description. I don’t have the obvious speech difficulties or behaviours etc. I seem normal to most people, just “miserable”, “unfriendly”, “boring” or “a loner”. Also I’m reasonably pretty so people tend to assume there can’t possibly be anything wrong with me. I’ll look into any support that may be available though.

If you enjoyed your evening pottery classes could you return to something like that?
Tbh I’m not convinced I was very good! I just thought maybe a small business could be a way forward if nobody will hire me. Although I no longer have the freedom to start a daytime business that doesn’t immediately make enough to pay towards childcare. I’m also limited to non-degree-level retraining that can be done in the evening, and it’s vital to make sure it’ll result in employment. Plus DH’s attitude will be why do you need to do it now, you’re not losing anything because you have nothing to lose, why can’t you SAH for 2/3 more years? Then he’ll continue to whine about me not contributing 😩

What area of STEM did you train in?
I did a chemistry degree and a masters in internet computing. I wasn’t great at chemistry (only picked it because I was told science was a good choice for people with autism) but did well at computing. Applied for various IT jobs, web design, user experience, even generic jobs like accountancy, without success. I think the poster who mentioned small companies being risk averse was correct. Potential local employers are mostly small businesses.

What are your interests that you love to talk about in detail?
Ceramics. Software design. Certain types of plants.

You mentioned one of the things that is manifested is Rigid Thinking. It comes across a little bit that this may have happened with your outlook on what could happen next.
Yes probably. I’m convinced that people don’t like me and employers won’t hire me. But then that’s borne out by the fact that I have no friends and no job, so maybe it’s true.

If social skills aren’t your think then why look at jobs that are working with people?
Are there any jobs that don’t involve either clients or colleagues? I can’t think of any except maybe lighthouse keeper.

My biggest thing here is that he complains you don't contribute. What did he think was going to happen? As for the 'he says he'll agree' thing... how the eff did we get to the point where an adult makes a decision for another adult?.( and I've been there too, with dh making decisions as he's the breadwinner, of course he never accepted that was the reason! saying that dh was always good about not mentioning I didn't contribute saying we'd have to pay childcare if I worked.)

Are you sure your husband is neuro-typical or has a MH issue? HE seems to have every bit if not more of rigid thinking as you,OP.
Perhaps a cleaning business,dog walking,child minding,computer programming-anything to give you some confidence and income?

Let me give you advice because you are me 18 years ago. I stayed at home, in fact he didn't even really moan about money then, we had an autistic child and I dealt with everything, still do. Once they were in school I worked part time, he thought this was best as did I ... fast forward, I've never managed to find a decent job I had been out of the full time work force too long, this city doesn't have much for me, and I was being called to the school 2-3 times a week. He is citing my lack of ambition as reasons he wants a divorce!

Retrain, do open university, get yourself work ready so when your dc is in school you can start a career ... don't be me. I'm seriously considering this guy I've met up with a couple of times purely because I'm going to be without sufficient income to eat in 18 months and he's (a) rich and (b) keen, not good! (I won't I'll have to take in students)

Are you sure your husband is neuro-typical or has a MH issue?
He is quite introverted and doesn’t have a lot of friends, and he can be very huffy and anal sometimes. But I see him talking to people and dealing with social issues that would have overwhelmed me so I assume he’s NT.

My biggest thing here is that he complains you don't contribute. What did he think was going to happen?
He knew I wouldn’t be able to contribute after I had a baby. He’s just increasingly annoyed about it. He’s comparing me to women who either A) Have low earnings but free family childcare, or B) Earn enough to cover childcare and still make a decent profit from working. I’ve told him I can become A if he tells his mother to quit her job and babysit for free! But I can’t become B because that level of salary isn’t available to me.

There's nothing like people who want it both ways and take no responsibility for their own actions, is there?

If DH wanted to have children with a partner whose earning capacity was such that she could earn more than childcare, fine, but in that case he should have refrained from impregnating you. And agreeing for you to SAH for 2 years. Did he think pregnancy and then departure from the workforce was going to enhance your earning potential? He needs to own the decisions he's made.

Did he think pregnancy and then departure from the workforce was going to enhance your earning potential?
No but by that point it was too late, there weren’t any other options. He was fine with me not having a well paid job until I got pregnant and he checked the cost of childcare and what benefits we could get (none), and realised I couldn’t afford to work so he’d have to pay for everything.

He should've planned better then. Moaning at someone else for his failure to research is taking the piss.

Have you thought about creating a profile on freelancer websites for web design, helping others with ad hoc IT support, data research, analytics, css or html small fixes.... anything you think you can do. It's all done remotely. You could build up slowly and once your DC is in school perhaps look to work out of shared community office space to get out of the house.
If you look at profiles on PPH it would give you ideas.
If you like maths and finance you could be your own boss and work from home by training to become a bookkeeper and do it both remotely and for local companies.
Data analysis pays well too and is often remote.
Once you feel you are contributing more financially you might feel like getting out in the evening to pottery classes. It doesn't matter how good you are, it's something just for you to enjoy. Who knows, you might be great and start selling them on Etsy too 👍
Good luck OP. I really want you to find your way 💐

Hi @AriadneesWeb - I did a search on Civil Service Jobs for anything that's "IT" or "Digital" up to £30,000 salary (as graduates can walk straight in to HEO civil service positions) - take a look if you're curious:

https://www.civilservicejobs.service.gov.uk/csr/index.cgi?SID=cGFnZWFjdGlvbj1zZWFyY2hieWNvbnRleHRpZCZrZXk9ZmFpciZwYWdlY2xhc3M9Sm9icyZzZWFyY2hfc2xpY2VfY3VycmVudD0yJnVzZXJzZWFyY2hjb250ZXh0PTgwODgxMDc3JnJlcXNpZz0xNTYyMzU4MTkxLWU0NGMwMjc3NDQwZGFjODUwZmM0ZTNmNzIyMWY4N2VjNTgwNDE4NWU=

I don't know where you're based so these are in different places across the country, but could be something near you? Your local council might also be somewhere to look, and (I know, I'm banging on about public sector again but it's all I know...) it can be really good for flexible working, to help around childcare and working from home. Worth considering

until I got pregnant

All by yourself?

I am very sorry to read how horrible he is being to you. It's not an ideal situation for you, or for the both of you really.

Thinking longer term, how many years do you have until you would expect to retire?

Rather than working in a minimum wage job for ever, what can we do to help you find a job that suits you?

As soon as I read your updates, that you already have IT MSc, I tried to think about all the roles where being "nice" and "user friendly" are not required.

For example, have you ever considered software testing? I know I am pants at this, as if I try to test something, I tend to see what I expect to see. There are other people where I work who can be trusted to see what actually happens on a new piece of software. They are few and far between and work are always looking for more testers

Starting with the link that Lazydaisies posted https://www.specialisterne.ie/

I was curious to see whether there is anything similar in the UK. I did a quick google and found such a diverse set of hits, services for children with learning difficulties alongside specialist recruitment for ASD

I wondered whether this one might be any good Yes, it happens to be for software testers
http://www.autismworks.co.uk/careers

This more general one

https://www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/understanding-autism/independence/employment

Another in IT again that offers autism positive work places

https://auticon.co.uk/careers/

I'm keeping on looking because I'm now interested in how to sort through the different types of offers ...

even though I am aware that there is a fair chance that you as the person impacted are in a much better place to evaluate the different options.

Having read your updates, I would say that your "DH" sounds as if he has some seriously non-NT traits 😀.

How about writing a 'killer' app ? What would it do?

I’m sorry to hear he is bullying you. I have met many people with diagnosed autism who have had successful careers because in higher education the ratio of people with autism is high. Many of my colleagues showed traits as well but were not diagnosed. It was not perfect for them but a bit of a safe haven.

Just remember some men like to browbeat their partners as it keeps them in a state of gratefulness and humble. It’s a way of controlling their partners. Women that don’t have extra difficulties like yourself don’t always recognise this so take some time to digest this.