My DSs black friend

[SushiTime]

This is going to sound so uneducated of me but if you can't ask on an anonymous forum where can you?

My DS is 5 and his best friend is black. Now, when he sees any other black people (which is rare around here) he says, oh look a "Simon". Let's pretend Simon is his besties name.

Should I really be explaining things to him? And if so, how? Is the word black ok?

I live in an area with hardly any diversity.
There are a couple of black children in school
We have no religious dress etc.
Luckily we are an hour from two major cities so we do venture out but children that are local and don't it would be a shock for them to see someone in religious dress etc

My sons best friend is my friends child. He is black. Son doesn't / hasn't commented however my younger DS has ASD and he is obsessional with a fictional mixed race character and comments and admires every time we see DS friend about his skin and curly hair (cue my inward cringing as I don't know how to reply)

Kids will be kids and they don't understand everything. If you're not in a diverse area I think you feel more socially awkward for not wanting to appear racially incorrect etc

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis love that link - perfect!

I'm sorry OP that you have had some really awful replies on here to a legitimate question. You are obviously trying to get this right and sometimes it's hard to know how to explain things in a way a child would understand. Even if those things seem perfectly obvious to adults. Think how hard it is to explain mine and yours for example!!!

Well done you for asking for advice from other mums on how to broach this.

I think you are all being harsh on OP. She has had some nice sensible advice at least.

This is the quote I was trying to remember from 30 Rock earlier. And interestingly, I misremembered the ethnicity of the woman the quote was directed at. Going to prove further that unconscious bias is frequently at play, whether we like to think it or not! And that these conversations need to keep happening.

This is a parody sketch. From a comedy. But this is what some people seem to think is sensible in real life...

At that age, children shouldn’t even be seeing colour.

What utter nonsense, how do you expect children not to see colour, the “colour blind” approach to diversity was long since discredited. Children should be encouraged to recognise diversity - including how they might differ from others.

In fairness, research has shown that people of one race can find it difficult to distinguish between different people of another. Of course the child should be corrected but him struggling isn’t necessarily about racism, prejudice or discrimination - he just needs to be told “nope, that’s not Simon”. I’d be exploring what he meant by “a Simon” and explaining about difference and not labelling people.

My kids see colour. Of course they do. What they don't do is treat people differently or negatively because of their skin colour.

This^^

I have no reason to speak to my children about race, because I don’t think they’d be particularly interested because they’re not looking at the colour of someone’s skin.
If you don't talk to them about it (or they're not allowed to mention it) how do you know what they think.

Don't worry OP.
My DS asked rather loudly in the shop if the Chinese man near us was in his Chinese friends family. 🤦‍♀️

Kids absolutely do see colour. And they should! They're so observant and they distinguish things by how they look different.

We were at the hospital for DS(3). The waiting room had a play area. Normally he'd be straight in there but there were children of a different ethnicity in there and he looked scared and wouldn't go in.
I encouraged him, chatted to the mum and he was fine. The children at his nursery are the same ethnicity as he is, as are our friends. We don't live in a diverse area, so he's just not used to people unlike himself.
Children don't realise the connotations or offence. They see things at face value (I was going to say black and white)
My nephew had a mixed race friend in reception, who was much taller and well built than him. He therefore thought brown people were strong because his friend was. A little chat soon straightened him out.
We teach our child that everyone is the same I.e. a person, but we all look different.

We live in quite a diverse area but my son’s best friend is also half Thai so has a mixed skin tone and he went through a stage of being a bit obsessed with this and mentioning this boy’s skin colour the time. Like it or not, children notice when things are different and will point it out - we just have to teach them how to be kind and respectful about difference, not pretend it doesn’t exist.

At that age, children shouldn’t even be seeing colour

Do you think mixed children don’t notice that their parents look completely different from each other and themselves? Do you think they colour in a picture of their family all in the same colour? How do you talk to children about racism without mentioning colour?

So all this kids who have never seen a child other than white - do none of them watch children's TV? Or see adverts? Or children's books in libraries/nursery?

Its 2019 for goodness sake.

So all this kids who have never seen a child other than white - do none of them watch children's TV? Or see adverts? Or children's books in libraries/nursery?

Its 2019 for goodness sake

Exactly!!

My kids also watch a talking pig on the Tv but they don't focus on the reality of that to much.

It's one thing to see something on TV and another to see it in real life.

You do realise you’ve just compared the existence of people of colour with the existence of a talking pig?

Well no, she just made the point that kids wouldn't necessarily expect what they see on tv to exist in real life.

@jellycatspyjamas jog on I'm not falling for that BS

to PP suggesting OP’s son must have a LD. Most children notice ‘differences’ around this age but they’re still so young, they don’t quite understand enough to be politically correct.

@sar302 suggestion was best.

There’s a huge difference between kids knowing that talking animals don’t exist kids thinking people of colour don’t exist. I’m guessing there are lots of things her kids see on tv that they haven’t seen in real life but that they know exist. What a ridiculous comparison to make.

Could it just be a way of them saying so and so looks the same or similar.
I have a black lab my cousin's daughter has met for the first time she now calls all dogs that colour by my dog's name.
It's getting there with her now saying that's like.... But in her head that was just a way of grouping.
Seeing something in TV is not the same as out in the real world, there's no personal link so no association.
There's obvs a discussion to be had about differences ect but it's just a kid thing.

Is there really such a huge difference to a child with no real life experience of different ethnicities? Think about it. There are pink and green people on kids TV which are not real, is it really so far-fetched to think that children would automatically know the difference? Particularly in a world of realistic cgi- the blue aliens on avatar look pretty real.

My daughter used to do this with Chinese women- her BF was Chinese and she thought all other Chinese women were her mum. However, she was much younger, about 2?

Would should be wouldn't

@tenandfive you’re just minimising racism by pretending your children are colourblind.

You could start calling all white men Brian.

This sounds like a laugh.

That was why I mentioned TV tbh C8H10N4O2. We never really watched it, and one of the reasons we started having it on more for them was actually to show them a world other than our bubble.

I should say that this isn't exclusive to race. My mother is noticeably disabled and the number of kids who are mildly freaked out by the chair, missing limbs etc and either stare or ask their parents about it is quite high. It's just difference.