My DSs black friend

[SushiTime]

This is going to sound so uneducated of me but if you can't ask on an anonymous forum where can you?

My DS is 5 and his best friend is black. Now, when he sees any other black people (which is rare around here) he says, oh look a "Simon". Let's pretend Simon is his besties name.

Should I really be explaining things to him? And if so, how? Is the word black ok?

Just the response I needed @Dionn thank you.

And to whoever it was that asked if I was a but thick. Perhaps I am, but that question says more about you than me.

I'm only trying to do the right thing and educate my child in the correct way.

At that age, children shouldn’t even be seeing colour

This is nonsense, and dangerous nonsense at that.

OP, I live in a monocultural environment, too. I get it. You've been brave enough to ask for help, and you've had some great advice - take it, and ignore the personal criticisms.

Lovely supportive messages here

As a mum of mixed kids, I'd far rather people asked than didn't.

I hear all sorts of banal shit from adults and kids alike, so no, it's not always obvious how to deal with these situations.

I've also known a child march up to a stranger at a bus stop and innocently ask why he had such dark skin. Lovely man answered with a smile, "because God left me in the oven for longer".

I love this!

"At that age, children shouldn’t even be seeing colour"

This is hopelessly naive and idiotic.

People are different colours and have different features. My kids were three or under when they noticed that me (white) and my husband (Asian) look different. They realised that my parents and his parents had things in common with each of us and not with each other.

Pretending colour doesn't exist is far more harmful than talking it through.

It's a scientific fact that we are crap at recognising differences in other races. Your child is being human!

Bullocks to the snarky person who asked if your kid was SN too. Bloody clueless!

At that age, children shouldn’t even be seeing colour
Of course they do, like they notice everything else, but they don't have to put a value on it (and OPs DS didn't). My daughter is mixed and, if I mentioned someone's name would ask if they were brown or not - it was just so she could picture them in her mind. She also commented on the lack of black presenters on TV when she was 4 or 5, this was in the early 80s when there weren't so many.

What sar303 said is a good way to deal with the OP's issue.

All these people kicking off, give the OP a break for gods sake. I live in a very very white part of the UK, I went through primary school and seniors without having a single yellow, brown or black skinned pupil attend our school. That is just the way it was. The only person that was a different skin colour was the GP and some staff at the hospital. Now, my kids are in the same town and I cna tell you we still have very little diversity within our town. Anybody that didnt grow up here tends to be eastern European. I have worked across 3 primary schools in this town and 99% of the pupils I have met are white. It is pretty normal for kids to ask questions, just broaden your sons horizons and explain about diversity.

You sound very uneducated, and you should be ashamed of yourself that you have even posted this.

My children have friends of all didn’t backgrounds, and never ever would they mention the colour of their skin!

You really need to educate your child, I feel deeply sorry for him.

And yes I will be reporting this post!!

Of cours children see colour. They just don't (hopefully) assign any negative connotations to to differences.

Sadly we live in an area with pretty much zero ethnic diversity. Their school is 100 white, and when the kids were younger they rarely watched TV. So we did get the odd "what country is that person from" when they did see someone who was different to them, but my approach was always to just not leap on them but just lightly tell them that not all people from this country are white and vice versa.

@TenAndFive well aren’t you a treat! No, OP doesn't need to feel ashamed.

If your children have friends of all “backgrounds” (of which I assume you include race), then of course someone black wouldn’t appear different for them. However, for a child who is in a very “white” area then of course someone black is different. There’s nothing wrong with that - you just explain as others have done so well in this thread, and move on. Really, get over yourself.

Actually when DD (now 6) was about 4 - she realised at school when we had her best friend home that this friend was black but not in the way we think e.g. colour - it was more to do with hair - I think she tried to plait it but could only get so far. they both laughed it off and used bobbles and slides to do something else. I mentioned to her afterwards when the friend had gone home that her friend's hair was Afro caribbean and had a different texture but though it could be plaited it may look different or be hard to do certain styles. We had a short talk afterwards and she asked me why her hair was like that and we discussed where the parents were from (dad Jamaican born in London, mum from Barbados). It was actually interesting as we were invited to a family and friends bbq by the parents not long afterwards where there was rum cake, plantain, rice and peas, jerk chicken etc and I encouraged DD and my DS to have some and I'd tasted this years ago.

tenandfive

Why are you bringing your kids up to pretend colour doesn't exist?

That's how we get the five million daily posts here saying "no racism here in the UK, we're all the same!! Colour blind!"

We should ALL be talking about race with our children.

There is nothing rude about pointing out the colour of someone's skin. Or should I ask my children to stop being racist because they see I have freckles but their father is brown?

different backgrounds*

@FelixFelicis6 - My children don’t see colour and neither do their friends.

TenandFive - children on the whole don't see colour - in fact growing up in a predominantly white area as a kid in 1970s I didn't see colour yet we had approx 5 black kids, 2 mixed race and a few anglo Indian and 1 from Hong Kong too. We also had mediterranean kids though and 1 girl I later found out her dad was from Brazil (had had a one night stand with the mother) - she looked 'olive skinned'.

Of course generally we didn't say anything but sometimes as kids do, then they do say things! I had glasses as a kid and I was picked on a lot.

I don't even think it's anything to do with being in a white area or not - it's just that some kids become aware or not of this and comment.

TenandFive - just because your kids and their friends don't see colour doesn't mean all kids are the same!

Well, I'd be worried if kids didn't 'see' colour in some circumstances. My kids for example, who have never been to a school with any ethnic diversity whatsoever. Apart from a couple of polish families. Their skin colour is the same but kids asked about the different accent. They're not racist, and nor are we.

He must have been around adults and older children who are very racially conscious and picked up their language. Small children generally don't notice colour unless it is pointed out to them.

Have a good talk to him and explain that people are not defined by their colour (using age appropriate words of course), so it isn't relevant to mention it. He'll be OK, means no harm, he's only little but this sort of thing must be nipped in the bud.

Other than the above, what Sar302 and LetsSplashMummy said.

Good luck! It's excellent that you are taking this seriously, wish every parent was like you.

My kids see colour. Of course they do. What they don't do is treat people differently or negatively because of their skin colour.

We live in a bit of a backwater, not much racial diversity unfortunately, but my children have friends and family who have different skin colour to them.

To pretend it's not an issue is to deny racism. Which is the absolute definition of white privilege.

I love the tale of the beautiful bride and the awestruck wee boy. That made me smile

tenandfive

Well they should see colour because it affects people daily.

We can all pretend that society is lovely and we're all treated the same but that's just bs and your kids should probably understand why it is that the white kids don't get stopped and searched but the black kids do. Otherwise, they'll end up confused and disbelieving of all the prejudice in the world.

I don't see colour is just another form of racism.

Look on here for a decent perspective.

www.huffpost.com/entry/why-i-hate-the-phrase-i-d_b_9341762

@TenAndFive it's a small village school and every pupil (of about 90) is white. Simon is the only child with skin a different colour. So of course my child will notice. It's not remotely in a negative way, they're best friends fgs.

"Small children generally don't notice colour unless it is pointed out to them."

Why do people perpetuate this nonsense?

OF COURSE they notice. You just weren't listening.

Some of the responses on this thread are incredible.

We don’t all live in the middle of a Lidl advert, you know.

There is a Chinese child in my DC’s nursery but apart from that everyone else is white, including all the staff and parents. It would be unusual for my child to see a black child or adult, even when we travel into the nearest city the majority of people are white.

I fully expect a question at some point from my DC when they do start to question the differences between people.

Perfectly understandable when you are still learning about the world.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis

I have no reason to speak to my children about race, because I don’t think they’d be particularly interested because they’re not looking at the colour of someone’s skin.

tenandfive

Oh yeah? Well enjoy perpetuating racism, I guess. Great job.