Dh has told fil he can live with us

[Cobblersandhogwash]

I haven't agreed to this.

Mil is terminally ill.

Everyone is in shock. Very upset. Dh is worried about his dad when she's gone. He was tearful and very distressed.

I said to Dh that he needn't worry about his dad and that we - and the family (Dh has a sister) - would look after him.

He has now relayed this to fil as saying he can move in with us.

Dh works full time and whilst fil is reasonably fit, naturally the onus will fall onto me.

I'm pretty pissed off.

How do I manage this now? In a time of heightened emotion and panic about mil?

You don't. HE manages it. I'd leave it until she passes away and then if FIL brings up moving in, he needs to own up to his mistake of making you de factor carer without consulting you.

Well, he will say he misunderstood what I meant.

But that we've said it now and we can't possibly go back on it.

And I will look like the bad guy.

We are actually moving abroad too.

So what if you look like the bad guy? Your husband has told his dad that you will be his unpaid carer.

He made this mess - he needs to fix it. He'll have to tell his dad he misunderstood.

And FWIW I think it was deliberate. You don't accidentally invite someone to live with you.

Would you actually be permitted to take Fil overseas as a dependent.
He may well not want to go when push comes to shove.
Is sheltered housing a possibility?

Looking after someone doesn't automatically mean them moving in, you can care for someone by going to their house, doing what you can for them and taking care of their business. Please explain this is what you meant, before your mother in law dies, so their is no expectation of father in law moving in. He may not want to move in anyway, a lot of elderly people want to stay in their own home with support if necessary. Your husband should have chewed it over with you before making the offer.

If you are planning to move abroad however I don't see how you can commit to any sort of care.

Looking after someone isn't the same as them moving in with you. I'm not sure how your DH jumped to that conclusion.

Also if you are moving abroad would he even want to go with you? Older people can be very set in their ways. He may well want to stay in the same country as the rest of his family and any friends. It's his home.

Would you be able to take him? DH and I emigrated a few years ago and have looked into this sort of thing for our parents and found it's quite difficult to move elderly family over unless they are unusually wealthy. Obviously it will depend on your circumstances and the visa restrictions of the country you are moving to.

It all sounds like a non starter to me. Leave it for now whilst emotions are running high, and when the issue crops up again let your DH fix this mess himself.

I'm sure that your DH was just speaking from the heart. His Mum is dying - of course it's understandable that he wanted to reassure his father that he wouldn't be left to cope alone . And speaking as an older person, I'd say that nobody actually wants to move in with their adult children just because they've been widowed. You say he is a fit person - so he doesn't need to be "cared for " in any practical way ,and will probably be fine once he comes to terms with his new future as a widowed man.

Don't assume that you're going to be forced into being his carer - odds are that he will never need such care. Most people don't, despite what you might assume. I'd leave the situation on the back burner for now and live your life. Tell your DH to back off on the rash promises - and see how things turn out.

Does your fil have friends around him? Dh’s siblings and gcs close by? What’s the health care like where you’re going? What’s the language?

Perhaps a better solution would be to emphasise all the downsides of moving with you.

Your dh is an idiot. As for him, I’d be expressing concern. You cannot just take a frail old man out of the country he has lived in presumably all his life. It could actually make him ill, depressed, give up on life and die.

Lastly voice your concern about your marriage. Start researching moving abroad and the pressure on relationships. Are you taking children with you? My concern is what happens when this all goes to shit and your marriage fails? It’s much more likely to fail with an unwanted hanger on. Moving abroad can be very stressful - been there, done that in several countries pre kids.

If push comes to shove, you can refuse to go if you have children. You won’t be able to bring them back to live in the U.K. once they have residency in another country unless he agrees - and doesn’t change his mind. If for example it’s the ME and you’re caught trying to escape with them, you could be deported, banned from living in the country and him getting custody.

Thanks all.

I have asked Dh via email (he's already abroad, working in the EU) to stop making promises and that we should focus on the here and now.

@Mummyoflittledragon yes, I can see the pressures moving abroad puts on people already. Dh is already there - in an EU country - working and we join him in August. He comes home every weekend.

Fil is very clingy and needy. I think he would jump at the chance of living with us.

Anyway, I think we should focus on now and what mil needs. I get that Dh is trying to help and find solutions and calm the panic.

It’s much more likely to fail with an unwanted hanger on

Nice.

@daisychain01 I think @Mummyoflittledragon means that having an elderly parent move in can put an awful lot of pressure on a marriage and a family.

Especially if one of the couple will be the one with the elderly parent most of the time.

Poor Dh. New job. Moving house to a new country and now his poor mum. It's so stressful.

It is a very sad situation but I would tackle it with your DH now. Don't leave it. It's not fair on your FIL either for him to think 'oh I'll be alright because I can move to Germany (or wherever) and Cobblers will look after me'.

It will be far worse to have the conversation once his wife dies.

Cobblers.
Yes, that’s what I mean. It’s difficult to understand the pressure if you haven’t lived this lifestyle. Perhaps Daisy has no experience in this area.

I’m in the same situation as you except we now live in my home country - we did live in dhs for a few years. I expect my fil would have accepted an offer living with us. Dh didn’t suggest it and tbh fil is far better in his home surroundings, able bodied and relatively active even in old age. Our lifestyle - or lack of it as I am chronically ill and have very little energy - wouldn’t suit him at all.

You’re going back to your fils home country by the sound of it, or one, he lived in for many years. If he thought he’d slot back into life there, getting a place closeby could be a possibility. But in my experience of living away from the U.K. for almost a decade, life moves on and it took an awfully long time to fully slot back into living in England and the British way of life - about a decade actually. I imagine it would be far far harder as an oap.

Orchid
Good point.

How about putting it as " come to stay " for awhile. It is natural that your FIL wants to be with people for support. But he may feel ready to go home after the initial period. The reality of actually living with your family may not be what he expects either.

It's no good saying "focus on the here & now" given that is unreasonable and unfulfillable promise has been accidentally made. The longer it is left unclarified, the worse it will be. DH certainly needs to fix the mess he made and the sooner the better.

I think you should clarify “come stay with us for a month while you are grieving”
Put a time limit at least

Another one for having the conversation now in as sensitive way as possible. You mentioned your sister in law. What if your father in law says 'Don't worry about me. I'm moving in with Cobblers?' She might not feel very happy when you say it's not happening when she thought it was.

I agree with mummyoflittledragon that moving abroad could actually be a bad move for your FIL if you and your husband are his only social contacts in a country he doesn't know (or has not lived in for years, whichever is sitation).

I do understand that your husband is distressed but he really shouldn't have said anything before thinking it through. Hoping your sister in law is your ally here and will help you and the rest of the family will help plan the best option for your FIL. It is generally better to try and rebuild your life in a familiar place after being widowed. Does your FIL have good friends and other social contacts where he lives at the moment?

Whenever you (and dh) talk about this in the future, make sure you always talk about ‘us (be that just you, just dh or both of you) and sil (and her family if appropriate)’ helping out - so there’s no chance that it can be misinterpreted again and that sil will always factor in the plans (assuming she doesn’t want him staying afterwards either).

Likewise always talk about when he comes on holiday to see you rather than coming to stay or visit etc as those imply long term / permanent (well it will if your fil is of a mindset where he wants that to be the case!) whereas holidays tend to be shorter and definitely have a ‘go back home’ expectation built in.

Talk about situations you want (well can bear!) so things like it’s nice that we are in Europe rather than Austria, you’ll be able to pop out for a few days if dh has leave or he can come to visit you. I’m sure sil/friend/etc will be able to help with the trips to the airport. And won’t it then be lovely to come back to your own house and friends and relax and have fun afterwards.

How well do you get on with sil? Is it something you could say to her, either directly along the lines of guess what your doofus brother has done, if this gets discussed with you please can you make sure that you talk about fil having holidays with us not living with us! Or just talk about how it will be odd to start with when fil comes on holiday to see you without mil and have an answer ready if she says ‘but he’s already packing his case to live with you’ to say first I’ve heard of it, I said that we would help him along with you and I bet he’s not moving in with you either. Of course we’re not going to uproot an old man from his home and friends, not to mention the practical side of it - we don’t have the space for him to live here, can’t take him to next posting, he won’t get a visa, etc etc.

Or even a cheery ‘I hear fil is going to come to live with you afterwards’ at which point she says don’t be ridiculous he is coming to you - which gives you a chance to say no he’s not, don’t be crazy. Bat back and forth a bit ending up with well it seems we are both agreed that fil isn’t staying with either of us so we need to investigate what support is available to him in his own home...

Oops cross posted there with my long list when lots of posters said it so much better and more succinctly!

They're both losing one of the dearest people they've had in their lives

I'd get your DH to focus on getting a home in this new country that has a granny flat type scenario or find two properties next to each over and perhaps rent out whatever home your PIL have now if they own it - don't do anything rash in mourning as he may find a new lease of life and want to go off trekking the planet or something

Also give your DH the heads up that it's perhaps ok to talk to has dad to ask what he actually really wants to do and if he doesn't k kw or wants support revert to plan A above for a while then reevaluate

They're both losing one of the dearest people they've had in their lives

This. I'd understand that you might be concerned, worried, or not on board... But "pretty pissed off"? He's losing his mother, of course he may not be especially logical right now!

Lots of good practical advice from other posters, but also do try to approach sympathetically, otherwise your annoyance on this will show through.

We've found a home in the new country. We are renting it as we don't know what it'll be like, how long dh's job will be there etc. It is for at least two years.

So there's a possibility we will move country again.

I've emailed Dh asking him to not make any promises. He's sent a ? back.

I'll leave it there for now. It's so very upsetting for the family at the moment and it's really not the time to think ahead when mil has so much facing her.

It's okay to feel pretty pissed off when other people make promises on your behalf, even if they're not thinking straight.

This is exactly how these situations happen - and it's always women who are given the shitty end of the stick.

To be honest I think taking FIL with you to live abroad would be a fantastic idea just make sure the property you get has some self contained accommodation for him. Where are you moving to.....to get him away from the family home and all the memories will be so good for him my mum has languished in the home where her and my dad lived and he died 9 years ago. She won't move has turned into a boarder the house is filthy and she is not good. It might be good for you as well as you will have someone you know when you move......it's not easy to move abroad when you loose your network of family and friends. Think of this as a positive and think of your hubby he is in a difficult situation and you need to support him and start being part of the whole family team. I think you are not keeping a positive open mind on this and stuck in negative thinking