Dh has told fil he can live with us

[Cobblersandhogwash]

I haven't agreed to this.

Mil is terminally ill.

Everyone is in shock. Very upset. Dh is worried about his dad when she's gone. He was tearful and very distressed.

I said to Dh that he needn't worry about his dad and that we - and the family (Dh has a sister) - would look after him.

He has now relayed this to fil as saying he can move in with us.

Dh works full time and whilst fil is reasonably fit, naturally the onus will fall onto me.

I'm pretty pissed off.

How do I manage this now? In a time of heightened emotion and panic about mil?

My father died when my mother was in her early eighties but in good health.

We asked her if she would like to move to the city where we live. We felt there was a community here that she could tap into - the relatively small church she belongs to has many branches and it's a city where she studied in her youth.

She said that she wanted to stay where she was. She knew that no move would take away the fact she had to adjust to being widowed. But being in familiar surroundings - her home, doctor, hairdresser, dentists, shops, friends, church community, hobby groups etc - would help. To lose all these things would have been to have magnified the loss she felt when my father died.

The phrase ‘it seems we were talking at cross purposes when we were talking about your dad’ will be really useful so that it doesn’t blame you or your dh but gets you back to the beginning of the conversation, along with a ‘now let’s talk more clearly about what we are each feeling and assuming’.

What the hell was your DH thinking, saying that without any discussion with you? Did he do this with the move abroad too?

I'd just email saying very clearly along the lines of
"DH I said we will help and look after FIL as it is and will be very hard time for him, I did not say he can move in with us and I also did not say I am happy to be the assumed carer as you will be working. I don't understand why you told him he can move in with us as I in no way specified that and it's something I can do/I'm ready for. I know this is a hard time for you also and I am more than happy to help and support FIL and do whatever we can however we need to clear this up as you promised something we did not agree to."

Or ask if you can talk on the phone when he's off work.

I understand your dh is busy. He’s panicking and catastrophizing. He hasn’t lost a parent yet. And I get it’s very difficult. He really hasn’t thought this through. I think talking to your mil is a very good idea - sorry I can’t see the post again to quote the poster - need to get my glasses. Anyway your mil may think this a bonkers plan and be able to say “don’t be silly bill, you wouldn’t like that at all because of x, y and z”. Idk how ill your mil is. But a dying person isn’t necessarily a china doll, not to upset.

Please, please, please don’t talk to your MiL, OP. The poor bloody woman’s dying. Your domestic arrangements after she’s gone will be way down her list of priorities. I’m genuinely shocked that anyone would think it appropriate to trouble her with this

Yes I'm shocked Dh is thinking so far ahead too. But I think he wants to try and solve everything, kind of take back control.

What I meant by taking care of fil was have him to stay for up to a month at a time - three or four times a year. And we visit him and other family.

But even then, who knows how it will all pan out? It's just not something you can plan. Not now.

Anyway, have spoken to Dh now and he agrees it would be better to have or make longer visits rather than actually live with us. But see what happens.

Sil is also moving abroad this summer to a non EU country so it's all very fraught.

Mil been given weeks. I'm certainly not going to trouble her with any of this stuff.

Thank you for all the wise words.

@Alsohuman it was me who suggested speaking to MIL. I spoke from direct experience. My mother was very concerned about our futures in her final months. It wasn’t necessarily something that we wanted to discuss, but it helped her feel better about having some level of control and involvement instead of being written off and treated like she was already dead. You may have had the direct opposite experience with someone else but please have the courtesy not to dismiss others’ lived experiences as invalid.

So when you said ‘we would look after him’ you were really volunteering your DH’s sister weren’t you? I personally think you need to be a bit more sensitive to your DH. He has been told his mum is going to die and is doing the best he feels he can to take care of his surviving parent - cause too much fuss now, and you’ll cause him to leave.

After your MIL passes if the subject is brought up I'd tell them that making major changes in the surviving spouse's life isn't recommended for at least a year. There's too much emotional turmoil for them to have any clear idea of how they want to go forward & often decisions are made that they themselves regret before too long.

I’m really glad to see your dh has now seen sense. From your update I can totally understand why your dh is freaking out. So much turmoil and change in his family. My fil was fine after mil died. He is a very solitary person and of course he missed his wife. She had trained him well to look after himself - I have strong suspicions he has undiagnosed SEN.

@Notcopingwellhere
I agree with you. I was very very ill before I had a major operation a year ago. I was totally reconciled with not waking up and put my affairs in order, leaving information and emails to dd as she was growing up etc. People, who have enough awareness often worry about their loved ones when they are gone. The last thing op wants is her dh to say “mum would be turning in her grave if she knew you have refused to have dad”.

"downgrade" it to you will of course support him as much as you can and you can together explore the possibility of him moving in before you make a final decision. These big decisions are not to be taken lightly, they need to be weighed up in slower time and while your MIL is still with you is definitely not the time for snap decisions.

Your DH doesn't need to withdraw the invitation, just segue into living arrangements being a longer term decision. And together, you make sure you facilitate his home life enough that moving to a foreign country where he may not speak the language, and knows no one, is patently not the first choice.

@Teddybear45 nope. I certainly wasn't volunteering my sil. Such inference skills!

@Teddybear45 I'm not causing a fuss at all. I'm actually trying to calm things down. Dh seems to be in a frenzy, laying plans down and telling his dad.

Not sure why you feel the need to attack and make assumptions. I guess some people are just like that.

Have you found out yet if it is even possible for him to move to the EU country you are going to?
Completely pointless of DH to offer to have him (whether for a month at a time or all the time) when you don't even know if it is legally possible. When you do look at the rules, look at the rules for third country nationals. I had a quick look at the country I live in and people can bring dependent parents but only if they can prove that they were looking after the dependent parent before they (the children of the dependent parent) moved to the EU country.
There is also a basic language requirement for the dependent parent of A1 (that's very basic but could also be a barrier) unless you can prove that the dependent parent is mentally or physically incapable of taking such a test.

And again, even for a month or two months at a time he will need to have health insurance - which could probably be covered by travel insurance in that case - but this could be very expensive depending on his age and medical conditions. European health insurance card will no longer be valid post Brexit.

I think I would stick to the line that your husband's decision is just not valid, he doesn't have the authority to speak on your behalf without consulting you

Oh teddy what a load of tosh.

Yes I think your DH is trying to fix what is clearly very unfortunate timing. What a terribly sad situation. Glad he has realised he was speaking out of turn.

FWIW, moving abroad as a trailing spouse which I assume us what you're doing can be tough. You need space to establish your own networks and orient yourself and the kids.

@Notcopingwellhere, please have the courtesy to acknowledge that there are points of view that differ from yours. If I was dying and my dil started discussing my husband’s future with me I’d be appalled. Your parent wanting and instigating that conversation is very different to OP’s MiL having the discussion inflicted on her.

Good to hear hear that DH is taking on board what you've said.

@Alsohuman in what way exactly is saying “The poor bloody woman is dying...I am genuinely shocked that anyone would think it appropriate to trouble her with this” simply stating that you have a point of view that is different from mine? It is a pointed attack on someone (me) who shared a personal story of bereavement. Whereas the best you can do is speculate how you might feel if you were dying. Let me tell you it is not something that you can experience by just imagining it.

Furthermore, I never suggested that the MIL have any discussion forced or “inflicted” upon her. The actual words of my post were:

perhaps she can add something to the discussion. From personal experience people who are terminally ill can be quite keen to help family think about how they will cope after they are gone

You chose to imagine a woman on her deathbed being forced to discuss how many bedrooms would be needed in OP’s new house. What I envisaged was that the family are presumably still talking to the “poor bloody woman”, right, rather than just spending all their time phoning and emailing each other to talk about who is going to live where when she dies. So maybe, just maybe, the subject will be brought up by this not-yet-dead woman who knows them all best. Because-and listen carefully here- that is MY EXPERIENCE. My experience, not my opinion. You are perfectly entitled to make the valid point that others may have had different experiences, but not to dismiss my experience as false and tell OP to ignore it.

Seriously, where do you get off being nasty and trying to score petty points off someone who has been bereaved and is simply trying to share her experience with others in a similarly unfortunate position. You with your imaginary terminal illness. Do you get a kick out of it?

I’m very sorry I upset you. I should have taken note of your user name.

Notcoping
Well said. My personal experience is similar with mil when we found out she was terminal. And my father in my teens. And I felt the same way a year ago. I know I wasn’t terminal. But I was very very ill before I had a major op and was 100% reconciled to dying. I saw it as a blessed relief actually. I wrote a will, put all my affairs in order, wrote as much as I could manage to my dh and dd about the future and having a wonderful life. I emailed it all to him and told him to read it if i died. It all seems very surreal now. But that’s where I was at the time.

What form of 'looking after' does FIL need?
Is he unwell and needing physical assistance with washing, dressing etc? (So he needs a package of care.) Or undomesticated with no idea how to work washer, microwave or what to buy at the shops? (So he needs training and/or cleaner.) Or is he capable but upset and needing supportive phone calls and visits and encouragement to find his new normal?

I thought notcopingwellhere made a very valid point, alsohuman. People have different ideas about how they approach death. I am sorry for your loss notcopingwellhere and am glad your mother felt better for being able to talk about the future.

I am sure that cobblers was speaking from her knowledge about her MIL in deciding that it would add to the distress her family is going through. I think it is also more difficult to raise the subject as an in law. But it is not right to assume that other people would never want to have these sort of discussions. Sorry Cobblers, it sounds as if you are going through a very difficult time.

Poor Dh he's in panic mode at the idea of his Mum dying and FIL being alone. It's definitly a reaction to the news and him trying to figure out how to keep things under control.
Glad to read the update that you had a chat and he's being resonable.