Dh has told fil he can live with us

[Cobblersandhogwash]

I haven't agreed to this.

Mil is terminally ill.

Everyone is in shock. Very upset. Dh is worried about his dad when she's gone. He was tearful and very distressed.

I said to Dh that he needn't worry about his dad and that we - and the family (Dh has a sister) - would look after him.

He has now relayed this to fil as saying he can move in with us.

Dh works full time and whilst fil is reasonably fit, naturally the onus will fall onto me.

I'm pretty pissed off.

How do I manage this now? In a time of heightened emotion and panic about mil?

If you are moving anyway, it could work.

Just make sure with Brexit he can get appropriate medical care etc. I dont know what the current proposals for this are.

Complete disaster to move him over seas after a bereavement. Does he speak the language? He's got to start all over again. No friends, no familiar places. You could point this out to your DH in a moment of calm.

But your DH was very wrong to tell his dad that.

user1497997754 just because your Mum dealt with her bereavement the way she did doesn't mean other people do.

My MIL died of cancer 5 years ago. She did practically everything for FIL. He stayed in their home for a year before downsizing to a much more manageable property for him. Got a cleaner, sorted himself out meal wise, he is fit and active, has a great social life that he has created himself. My PIL were joined at the hip, loved each other to bits but he has coped. We live over an hour away so could only offer so much help.

My Mum died a decade ago but my Dad has always been very self sufficient.

Moving in a parent who may rely on you for lifts to appointments, meals, shopping, company and possibly care at some point is not something you decide when people are grieving. It is something that you sit down and discuss. You only have to look at the elderly parents board to see the issues you may have to face.

I would email back to your dh that your response of your leave it there now as mil is so ill is not acceptable and you need to make it crystal clear to your father that you made the offer in haste without consulting your wife which was wrong and in due to heightened emotions you make an offer that was not your decision alone so you are sorry to have to retract the offer and I’m sure you’re understand.

If your dh says he wont send the email then tell him you will do it on his behalf as sensitively as possible of course, looking after someone in not the same as having them move in with you so I don’t know why your dh jumped to that conclusion.

I'd be coming up with some sort of escape plan just in case.

I live abroad and would not dream of moving my dad out here if he was bereaved. He'd be lost without his Radio 4, Cadbury's, rambling club or Sainsbury's, and he's quite a hermit but even he has some old friends he meets up with sometimes, and chats to the neighbours and postman. Being taken away from your familiar surroundings is often traumatising enough when you have not been recently bereaved; I meet up with expats from various countries and a large number are very negative about having to live abroad, paraniod about the locals not liking or accepting them and just miss the world they grew up in. I've often thought about what I would do if my dad needed support, and my plan would be to move over to the UK for at least part of the year. No way would I uproot him.

But do you think that your FIL even wants to move in with you? Has he said he would? Maybe he would hate the idea even in the UK?

Out of interest, what did you mean when you told your DH that he needn't worry about FIL and that "we" would look after him? Given that you are moving abroad next month, what did you think you would actually be able to do? Or did you just say it to make DH feel better without thinking it through?

Obviously, your DH was an idiot to tell his dad that he could move in with you without clarifying with you first. I also agree with others who have said it probably wouldn't be in FIL's interest to move abroad at this stage in his life. However, it's a bit meaningless to offer assurances about "looking after" someone if you won't actually be around to do it.

Your DH said it, so he can unsay it. If my DH had made this kind of promise to his DF I'd have had a fit! You can't make promises like that when it's not you that will be lumbered as the carer. Besides, inviting anyone to come and live with you as a couple is a HUGE decision to be talked over and discussed together, not one of you go off and make the offer without any conversation or ensuring what the other person meant. Jeez! I think you have a bigger problem here than your DH's making promises - it's his lack of communication skills and making assumptions about the kind of things that YOU DO NO MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT!

Plus with Brexit he might not even be allowed into the country?

I brought my own parents to live with me, that was hard enough. Someone else's, not a chance.

You cannot leave this discussion till later. Be kind, as your DH is reeling from an awful shock, but explain that realistically he is not in a position to provide the care and support he is promising and that a discussion needs to be had with his DSis about what you can all do to support FIL in his own home.

MIL is the priority right now. Concentrate on agreeing a short term solution that will reassure her that FIL will be looked after, work out the details later.

I am older so know a lot of people that have an elderly parent living with them. It is always, without exception, the parents of the wife/female partner. I know someone who has moved their polish mother over to the UK. She doesn't speak any English but everything goes through her daughter. Her husband loves his wife so puts up with an elderly Non English speaking person living in close proximity.
Again and again on here, you see women explaining that they cannot work because they are caring for elderly parents. Only it is always their elderly parents.
One of the things I admired most about my husband was his gentle supportive care of his parents in their old age. They did not live with us but he visited most days and organised their care. I tried to be as supportive and helpful as possible. After they died, he has been brilliant in helping to care for my frail mother. We have been a team and there is no resentment that we favoured one set.
Don't care for your FIL if you don't want to but be aware that your husband may resent your lack of support.

if he doesn't speak the language in the new country it is a non starter, he won't be able to understand the doctor, do any admin, or interact with anyone other than You, he would be 1000% dependent & we drive on the other side of the road,

Cobblersandhogwash I think you need to be clearer in your communication with your DH.

Both of the messages you have quoted here are not clear to me You need to he unambiguous.

You can still be sensitive but precise. You can tell your DH how much you care about fil and how concerned you are about everyone coping with the awful illness and ultimate passing of your dmil.

You can also say that you are worried that your DH has told his DF that he can live with you but hasn't actually discussed it nor agreed that with you.

It's not fair to leave fil with that impression if you would in fact not agree to it. It's also not fair on dsil who seems to have been left out of the discussion too.

But it's also not fair to lay all the blame on DH as your original pledge to "look aafter" his DF was open to interpretation. Your DH is very emotional at the moment, so his interpretation was the one he personally found most reassuring.

to you all in a heartbreaking situation

He's sent a ? back.

Is he normally this rude?

The aftermath of a death is a terrible time. And I speak from experience after we lost FIL to a brain tumour in December. You're not going to want to hear this, but actually it is a very good idea for the grieving spouse to move in with close family for A FEW WEEKS. This is to ensure:-

• they're not returning or sitting in the house where their partner died first off
• they eat and drink properly
• they have family to chat to
• the post death admin (there is tonnes) slowly starts getting attended to.
• funeral is organised.

We had MIL with us for a few weeks. It was fine. Actually it took thr strain off us travelling to see her or talking on the phone for hours. We talk her for dog walks, got bills paid, did ring around banks utilities etc. She left to return home feeling that matters were in hand. At the funeral she connected with a lot of friends and kindness and is now moving forward with her life independently.

FamilyOfAliens

He's sent a ? back.

Is he normally this rude?

He is presumably busy either at work or going to work.

OP's email wasn't clear and he sent a ? to indicate that.

When I met dh one of the first conversations was to confirm we weren't ever going to have any relatives living with us -
Of course your dh can't make such a decision alone.
Unless it's a bachelor flat for them both....

I think Brexit is going to put paid to this plan anyway.
You can't just move other members of the family to an EU country like that from a third country which is what the UK will be after the 31st October. There are all sorts of rules and regulations about this.
There will be issues with his health care being covered - I don't know which EU country you're in, but I know that most (all??) of the EU countries have a contributions based system and not residence based (like the NHS).
So someone will have to be paying FIL's health insurance. This may or may not be the British government depending on what reciprocal arrangements are put in place in the event of a no deal Brexit. Pensioners in the country I am in have been told that they will have to self-insure (at a cost of 420€ a month) if no reciprocal agreements are in place. The British government have said that they will continue to pay for treatment for conditions occurring before the Brexit date.
I presume at some point it will all get sorted out as this is outrageously unfair - but it really isn't the time to be moving an elderly parent to the EU especially as you are already saying you might be moving to another country in a couple of years. You'd have to go through the same process again, applying for him to live with you and proving that you have the financial means to support him and health insurance (and all of this is a lot tougher than you think - in the country I am in, your net income has to be over a certain level AFTER all regular payments have been taken off and that includes rent).

I'd mention all of this to DH (maybe google and find out the rules for dependent family members of third country nationals) and he will have to deal with it.

I think there is very very little chance that your FIL will be moving in with you abroad. Your DH should consider other arrangements for him.

We were told not to make any big changes for the first year after my mum died. It was good advice as my Dad (gradually and with support) has developed a life on his own. It was bloody awful for quite a while though.

MIL is still alive right now. Is she able to speak and think clearly? Perhaps she can add something to this discussion. From personal experience people who are terminally ill can be quite keen to help family think about how they will cope after they are gone.
Also from personal experience of working abroad when a parent was dying, if he hasn’t planned to do so already your DH might want to think about taking some time off to spend with his Mum now.

And just wanted to add - FIL also has a life of his own presumably - friends, hobbies, familiar surroundings.
It sounds like panic because of MIL's diagnosis. Has this happened recently?
It would be far too much upheaval for him to lose her and then to lose everything that is familiar too.

My Mum died of cancer a few years ago and I live abroad. Dad moved into a small rental flat near a circle of friends and his hobbies. He has recently died - but he was perfectly happy there in his little flat and going to two or three hobby groups a week and meeting friends, going to the local cafe etc. He enjoyed his last few years and we were in contact daily.
My Dad wouldn't have liked to move out here - he wouldn't have known anyone, language barrier, different food, different culture and way of life.

I think FIL, DSIL and DH will come to their own conclusions that moving abroad and in with you is not a sensible idea. I would leave the discussions about it alone for a while - they have enough to deal with at the moment with MIL's condition anyway.
What is her prognosis? Sorry to be so blunt - but she could live 3 months or 3 years. My Mum lived 3 years after being told her condition was terminal.
You and DH could have been to the other EU country and moved back again in that time. You might have had children by then (don't know your ages or if you already have a family or are planning one - but things change in the blink of an eye).

DH has thrown you into the shark pit with this one. Get a job at once - well, a career, FIL could last 30 years. No matter how poorly. Has he got any money? He'll need it for taxis, nurses, carers, live-in carers, you name it.

Raising children is a walk in the park compared to eldercare. Which lasts longer, and is infinitely more expensive, see above.

Can FIL not rent out his place and use that £ to rent a flat local to you? I’d say ‘sell his place/buy near you’ but I imagine your move to the EU isn’t permanent.

I would- having been a carer- avoid him living with you like the plague. Moving close to you is a good compromise. This gives him support he needs, a chance to meet new friends, and it gives you space. Look for a place for over 50s- they should be called something different tbh, but where I am, that’s what these types of apartment blocks are called.

The last thing someone recently bereaved of their life partner is to be uprooted to another country to live with someone who doesn’t want them. What they need is support to adapt to a different life in their own familiar surroundings. It’s a mystery to me how you can look after him from another country, OP. His daughter is the only person who can offer any real help, I wonder what she thinks of this plan?

Maybe there is something of a middle ground here, which wouldn't involve your DH going back on his promise as such. Maybe FIL could come and stay with you when he is the early stages of grieving, after the funeral. Maybe for a couple of months? On the understanding that he will go back to his home after that.