What's your best fishwife moment? (Lighthearted)

[Noseynails]

This thread is lighthearted
Hi all, I thought it would be funny to share our best fishwife moments.
Mine happened last week. A woman who lives near my parents shouted at my younger brother and his friends (my parents' next door neighbour's great grandchildren), so I ran into my parents' garden, and screamed like a fishwife about phoning the police, and how I was coming over to do what the children won't, and how dare she shout at the children. My parents' neighbour's daughter and granddaughter had been arguing with the woman because of how she spoke to the children, and my parents' neighbour and her other daughter had been standing at their back door to see what had happened, when I stormed out of my parents' back door and into the garden while shouting. (I had been watching from the kitchenette window). My mother almost bodily lifted me took me into the house to calm down. What's your best fishwife moment?

Not full fishwife but I was at a train station buying a ticket at the machine and a lovely lady in her 80's asked me to help her buy her ticket as the man in the ticket booth told her he wouldn't help her and should learn to use the machine. I marched over to his booth with her and told him what an awful human being he was and that it would have taken minutes to sell her a ticket, which was his bloody job and he should be ashamed of himself and called him a pathetic little jobsworth.

I got a round of applause from others in the queue. Not my finest hour.

Trying to manoeuvre a trolley round a woman who was blocking the aisle in the supermarket, I was being very careful but she walked into it as she was looking somewhere else, probably at her phone, I think it caught her toe very slightly. I politely apologised and continued whereas she just stood there and said 'You could have said sorry'.

I was more than a little pissed off by this time as she had been blocking my way and not moved when I had said excuse me, then decided to walk into the trolley anyway.

I bellowed at full blast 'I did apologise and it wouldn't have hurt so much if you weren't wearing those stupid slippers in a supermarket'. She was wearing pink fluffy slider things.

Not so much fishwife but hugely embarrassing. Years and years ago I used to work for a bank. My desk phone rang and I was told that Lucy was on the phone for me. I was expecting a call from my friend Lucy so took the call and proceeded to shout down the phone “Oi Lucy, you slaaaaaagggg” as that was our standard greeting to one another.

Anyway, it wasn’t my friend Lucy but a customer called Lucy, why she didn’t state her surname I have no idea. She said “I beg your pardon” and after the initial shock I just hung up.

I was mortified! Nothing ever came of it but oh the personal shame.

Mine was today! Queueing up for the till at B&M the man in front of me was accosted by a man coming passed.

Man 1 (to man 2 at the till): Mate, you've parked in a disabled space and you're CLEARLY not disabled

Me (quite calm): er, excuse me but not all disabilities are visible

Man 1: Well look at him, he's obviously not disabled!

Me (getting really loud with my Welsh accent coming through from the anger): Do you not REALISE what VISIBLE means?!?

(Man 1 scuttles off from my wrath whilst muttering under his breath)

'Disabled' Man 2 (to till person): I was only parking there for two minutes

Me (so loud and Welsh): If you've parked in a disabled spot when you're not disabled then shame on you!!! SHAME ON YOU BOTH!!!

Me (to till person): I was sticking up for him... why couldn't he keep his bloody mouth shut?

I felt soooooo moral and superior until he uttered the words "...only parking there for two minutes"

Winenottea - that made me cry with laughter 😂

Confronting obnoxious drunk teenies swinging a golf club at people's cars and generally pissing the neighbourhood off one night. I got so angry I went down to confront them and probably made more noise than they did
Halfway through screaming at them I felt myself suddenly rising in the air (I am quite short so thought wtf?) - my DH had followed me down, picked me up from behind and carried me back inside. I don't know who to be more cross at but the bastards disappeared very quickly after!

A couple of Saturdays ago, I took the DD’s to the park and decided to take the dog for a walk at the same time. We went to the corner shop first for ice pops, I was waiting outside with the dog who was sat next to me being very good and chilled. A group of young teenage boys passed me and one little scrote from the group decided to stop and do an actual screech in my face! So close I could feel his breath 🤮.
Normally, due to the area we live, I would ignore then walk away but recently I’ve almost had an epiphany and am sick to the high teeth of fucking dick heads. I summoned my best Grimsby accent and screamed at him to fuck off, proper fishwife style. He came towards me as if to go for me and saw the fuck off giant Doberman by my side 😆 and shit his fucking pants! He told me he would rip my fucking face off where upon I screamed at him to fucking try it you little bastard scrote cos I’ll fucking knock you out.
Him and his scrote friends couldn’t get away fast enough. The DD’s were a bit shocked but quite impressed 😳

@justthecat it does make me 😂 😂 😂 thinking about it now. My friend Lucy also thought that it was hilarious when I told her 😂

Next door neighbours at a previous house.
Thumping music through the walls, so loud the house vibrated.
DD was a baby and it kept her awake.
I was nice, then polite, then gritted my teeth, then passive aggressive. Then I Iinvolved the police and then the local council.

I finally exploded when they came round to complain they'd received a letter telling them to keep the noise down

I stood on my front drive and screamed at the 6ft 4 biker type bloke from next door to 'fucking get off my property'. I absolutely lost it at him. Was not proud of myself

Just thought of another one.

At the hospital visiting my mam after surgery and I'd parked my car. A twat pulled in next to me far too fast and hit the side of my car, which damaged the entire driver's side.

I lost it. I stormed up to him and asked if he was legally blind and where he'd left his white stick... I then screamed at him he needed to send his licence back to Kellogs because it had clearly come out of the cornflake box. (Cringing now thinking about it)

Said car was bright yellow. I could literally see it from almost a mile away when it was parked at home.

He wrote it off which made an already stressful week much worse.

Loving this thread. I’ve never had a fishwife moment but it’s my ambition to have one one day!

When some dickhead decided to reverse out of his drive way that was on a corner and almost mowed my then 5 year old down.

I was yelling, he carried on reversing. Had to slam the brake on my pushchair and practically body slam my 5YO out of the way. She went flying. He hit me instead, and STILL carried on driving. I had to repeatedly smack the back of the car. Had a nasty bruise. Fuck knows what speed he was doing.

Twat was on his phone

I just remembered screaming a bunch of swear words and calling him an a stupid incompetent twat who shouldn’t be riding a tricycle let alone driving a car.

A few of the school Mums witnessed it and had to drag me away

My ds2 has a health condition which means I have to race him to a&e sometimes. Problem is the hospital car park is always full, so on this one particular day I was impatiently waiting at the end of a row of bays for someone to leave. Eventually someone came to their car and as I prepared to take their space another car came zooming up and indicated that they were going to pull in. Bearing in mind my son is pretty sick at this point and I need to get inside! I leaned on the horn and drove right up to the space, opened my window and screamed “IVE A SICK BABY IN HERE GET THE FUCK AWAY”.....at the poor elderly couple in the car who obviously just hadn’t seen me waiting. They drove off. Later that day I saw them in the canteen but pretended I wasn’t me
Not my finest moment

Last week -some kids got into the garden next to me which is currently a building site as the house is renovated. The owners are away. They were running round yelling with cans of spray paint. I yelled over the hedge to get out of there and in their panic instead of going back through the front where they had got in they scrambled up quite a steep bank, through our boundary hedge and discovered themselves stuck in my totally enclosed garden. They then escaped by scrambling over my 7ft fence.

At this point I was scared and furious and chased out after them down our very naice, private, suburban, road (only 10 houses) trying to grab the tins of paint and screaming after them in my South London vernacular ‘fucking clear off out of it you little fuckers and don’t let me see you around here again’ etc etc. I sounded like Laila Morse in East Enders.

I’m not sorry I did it, I wanted to scare them into not coming back and I hope I did. But equally, I hope my neighbours who have only seen me as a respectable, quietly spoken, middle class, middle aged professional didn’t witness my brief transformation into the Sarf London guttersnipe I used to be!

Many, many, years ago, when DD was about eight I was sat in the lounge idly listening to the next door neighbour screeching “you fucking little c*” at her kids, as she often did, and thinking what a charmer she was and how I couldn’t wait to move away. However, as the rant progressed, it became apparent that she was speaking to my DD and DSS.

The speed at which I left the sofa and vaulted the fence was pretty impressive, but the fishwife screeching when I got to her was talked about for years. Even DSS’s mother, who loathed me, had to admit grudging respect.

I tend to go fishwifey at bedtimes. Particularly when DS is dragging the absolute arse out of it. Sometimes I think I roar so loud that NDN and his wife next door scurry upstairs to hurriedly put their PJ's on.

Recently, late at night a kid was riding a motorbike around the field that backs onto our back garden, pretty noisy and annoying. I opened the window and in a moment of silence, bellowed "Will you just PISS OFF and do that somewhere else, I've got children trying to sleep in here!" Out of the darkness a voice muttered "sorry" and off he skulked. I slammed the window dramatically. Neighbor told me she'd heard it the next day 😁

Some years back , I was driving home from work round the Hammersmith gyratory system at about 4pm on a Friday afternoon . Anyone who knows it, will know it’s absolutely no holds barred , Mad Max , fight for your spot lunacy . It’s July , it’s bloody hot , my air con has packed up, and I’m 8 plus months pregnant then . The next week was due to be my last before maternity leave . The traffic is crawling along , except for the skip lorry driver behind me , who is so determined to push in to a gap behind me , that he’s almost shunting me out of the way to get there . In the end , he tries to barge in, but is so busy watching the gap to the side , that he doesn’t see that I’ve stopped , and slams his anchors on , beep and starts hollering abuse at me . His mistake.

I got out in the queue , waddled up to his window , clambered onto the step , and bawled at him “ my husband’s not allowed that far up my arse , what makes you think you are . “ At some volume . He goggled at me , I climbed off his lorry , and waddled back to my car. The cabbie alongside was weeping with laughter . But I tell you what, skip lorry man backed off ....

A few years ago in the cinema (I was around 21), there were 5 very rude, disruptive off their heads 'youths' for a better word. Very intimidating, had come along just to cause trouble. They were horrid and despite us and others complaining the staff did nothing. I finally saw red, and when one of the scroats barged past me again I tripped him up. His mates started on me and I utterly lost my shit. You name it, they were called it plus some witty comments to boot. I got an applause from the other people in the cinema when they left. Funnily enough no one else helped. My husband (new boyfriend) at the time kept looking at me rather scared.

Years ago, during a very hot summer, I was trying to sleep but some people in the house that backed on to our neighbours' were having a barbecue. They were just chatting, but quite loudly and it was getting very late. Then they started singing Abba songs, very loudly and very badly - it was about 3am by this time. I went into the bathroom which overlooked the garden and shouted out of the window 'will you shut the fuck up'. There was a polite little 'sorry' and success - they were quiet. I went back into the bedroom and DH said 'did you hear that fishwife screaming at those neighbours?' . He hadn't even recognised my voice . But they didn't make a sound after that.

Three years ago I took ds2 who was 20 to the theatre in London. He is deaf and autistic. He can be a little loud.
Waiting to leave Stratford tube station. Ds2 being a little noisy. Guy gets on and sits opposite ds2. He then stuck his foot out and kicked ds2 on the foot and told him to shut up.
I totally and utterly lost my shit. "Excuse me?," I beg your pardon? How dare you kick my child. My son is deaf, if you have a problem with that you talk to me, you don't bloody kick him....! "
Ds2s reaction when he is stressed is to make a noise akin to an air raid siren which he started doing punctuated with sobs. The bloke (who I realised by now was drunk) replied...." Issss allll right... "
I then shouted back 'Is it? Is it really,?"
I then applauded him and said "Jolly well done, you made my son cry and spoilt our lovely day out...!! "
" Not surprisingly the carriage was silent after and I didn't hear a peep from numnuts again. He got off 3 stops later!

Once on way home after an appt in maternity hospital I was taking a right turn on a square. It's a weird junction - there is a marked space for one car turning right to wait until lights go green; anyone behind also turning right has to wait a few yards behind, because another road enters square between the two points. I'm in the marked space when a car comes up behind me, also turning right. Lights are red so I keep waiting in marked space. Driver behind starts beeping horn and gesticulating for me to drive on, through a pedestrian crossing with its light green because he's now in the way of cars coming from other road.

I completely lost it. Waited until lights changed and we happened to be in different lanes, so cars parallel, rolled down my window and shouted at him that he had been completely in the wrong back there. He disagreed angrily, to which I replied (still shouting), "ooh I'm a man in a suit, I can't ever be wrong, that's impossible", blared on radio, pulled up window and drove off.

He was

I’ve got two. The first one was when I was walking the dses home from school - they were between 5 and 9, so still young, and a driver decided he couldn’t be arsed to wait in the queue for the lights to change, so tried to take a short cut across the pavement, right where we were walking. I slammed my hands down on his bonnet and yelled at him to “get BACK on the road NOW!” - which he did. I added a remark or two about his driving, and finished off by telling him to make sure his child (also Primary school aged) was strapped in properly, and not unsecured on the back seat!

The second one was at Christmas one year. I find it quite stressful because I do the vast majority of the organising, planning, shopping for presents, card writing, packing and cooking - so I plan things carefully to reduce the stress as much as I can. One of the things I do is a meal plan for the week - which always includes roast goose in Christmas Day, cold gammon and salad on Boxing Day, and then I use the leftover goose on the 27th to make a sticky Asian thing. One year, I went to the fridge to get the leftover goose out to make supper on the 27th, only to find half of it missing.

It turned out that ds2 had decided to have a delicious roast goose sandwich for his lunch that day, and I completely lost the plot at him - full fishwife, with tears and snot too. Dh had to come and take me off to the front room and fill me with gin and tonic, and then went and foraged through the fridge to make supper.

The stupid thing is that we had plenty of food in the house - we had cold gammon left over from Boxing Day, the goose that ds2 hadn’t eaten, and plenty of salad. But I had a Plan, and it was the End of the World that I couldn’t stick to the Plan.

The family still joke about Roast-Goose-Gate every Christmas!

Getting off the bus with dc, I got off and turned round to help youngest ds off the bus to realise driver was pretty much closing the doors ready to drive off.
Full on fishwife rant screaming at the driver. I did get applause from teenagers at the back “ go on love, you tell him”
Worst thing was my kids thought it was great and told anybody that would listen about it whilst I tried to play it down !