What's your best fishwife moment? (Lighthearted)

[Noseynails]

This thread is lighthearted
Hi all, I thought it would be funny to share our best fishwife moments.
Mine happened last week. A woman who lives near my parents shouted at my younger brother and his friends (my parents' next door neighbour's great grandchildren), so I ran into my parents' garden, and screamed like a fishwife about phoning the police, and how I was coming over to do what the children won't, and how dare she shout at the children. My parents' neighbour's daughter and granddaughter had been arguing with the woman because of how she spoke to the children, and my parents' neighbour and her other daughter had been standing at their back door to see what had happened, when I stormed out of my parents' back door and into the garden while shouting. (I had been watching from the kitchenette window). My mother almost bodily lifted me took me into the house to calm down. What's your best fishwife moment?

This morning. Standing in line at a community centre where my DD has been booked into a craft course (I booked & paid online a month ago, as the website said to do). I only needed to show the office staff we’d arrived, so they could tick her off a list, and we could proceed to the right room and get started. But no.

All 3 office staff were faffing and chatting. Lady before me was merrily chatting to them all too, that kind of stream-of-conscious stuff that does my head in.

‘Oh Lordy me, where is that card of mine, lose my head next, ooooo isn’t it chilly out, don’t you get confused with all the bits in your handbag, ey? Meant to sign little Kylie up for this last month, but I’m such a muddler, dear me, I’m sure that’s the right PIN number or is it? Maybe this is the card that needs tapping not swiping, can anyone tell by looking at it, yes my wallet IS such a nice shade of blue, isn’t it? oh this technology will be the death of me....blah blah blah.’

10 minutes of this. My DD kept squeezing my hand, she knows me well. I’ve been ill for a week, I’ve been trying to get a roof leak fixed, I slept badly and hadn’t had time for my cup of tea in order to get to this course on time. Now we’re running late and I’m boiling over.

Chatty Kathy made the error of catching my eye and trying to include me in her vacuous monologue. Whatever she saw in my eyes caused a kind of hiccup noise and she petered off. I stepped up to the office window, swept all her stupid stuff over to one side and said ‘If there’s someone here who didn’t have multiple Mogadons for breakfast, find a fucking pen and do your job so EVERYBODY else can get on with theirs.’ Not in my ‘inside voice’, either.

I’m not proud of myself. And DD isn’t talking to me any more.

The couple who lived next door we’re nice enough, but had an awful habit of letting their dogs out at an ungodly hour to bark and bark.
Unfortunately for them, one night I was having a bad nights sleep, being massively pregnant and overdue, and it being absolutely boiling. When I’d just got off to sleep, the dogs started up again.
I literally flew out of bed, and can’t really remember what was said or what happened, apart from when the neighbour answered the door, a row ensued, and I ended up on her side of the doorstep inside of her house like a raging lunatic while she was on the outside nodding. I can only remember the look of her stunned face.
When I got back to my house and had calmed down, I realised I only had a small cami on, no bra and a pair of knickers. I still see my previous neighbour and we do laugh about her shock at opening the door to an angry more or less nude heavily pregnant woman. Never had a problem with those dogs again though.

We moved onto a new build estate years ago and it wasn't completed.
I remember completely losing it with one of the builders who started work with a pneumatic drill before 7 one morning.

I stormed out in my pjs shouting at him to STFU, I'd been in hospital with my dad most of the night so had very little sleep, there were at least 3 newborns in nearby houses, and they weren't supposed to start work until 8.

He sheepishly told me he was just doing what he'd been told so I yelled at him to go and find a quiet job to do until 8 before I reported them, and if his boss had a problem he could send him round. We didn't have any issues with noise after that

I once queued for hours at Christmas time to buy a big basketful of toys in John Lewis. When I got to the front of the queue they faffed for ages, eyed me suspiciously and then publicly asked me to step aside as they believed the card I was using was stolen. They spent ages checking and even rang DH to verify that I had the 'right' to use the second card on our account. When they finally realised they'd made a mistake and my card was mine, they escorted me out of the office and put me at the back of the new very long queue. At which point I shouted at them and threw the basket of toys in all directions around the shop.

you can always hear lots of noise from your house but you never ever hear a hoover

I'm nicking that.

Last Saturday I was in a well known large sports retailer ( I’m sure you can get which one) and the mostly teenage staff are generally very unhelpful if you can find one in the first place
I couldn’t find one so went to the counter to ask if they had something ( teenager thought not) Would the nearby larger store have any? (teenager didn’t know) Could she check ( teenager thought not)
At this point another teenager appeared so I asked him and he rolled his eyes and said yes they did and he supposed he could just about be arsed show me where ( paraphrasing)
As we walked towards the other side of the shop a man walked in between us and started asking the teenager to help him with something.
I said very firmly “no, he can’t help you because he’s helping me at the moment, you will have to go and find another member of staff” Both man and Teenager looked very scared and the man literally stepped back and held out his hands saying “ very sorry lady”. I replied “ no problem, right (teenager) let’s get on with it”
I don’t really do fishwife but according to my dc I’m quietly menacing, which is more frightening

Mine was also car related. My 'D'H (now ExH!) had left me on my own in Tesco with DS (6 months old) to do the monthly shop while he went home to have a bath (code for going home for some porn & a wank). I managed to do the full shop, pack, repack and pay on my own and then went outside to the drop off/pick up spaces and texted H to come and get us. A minute or so later a car pulled up with 2 young lads in and one got out and went into the store. I am still waiting 15 minutes later for H to arrive ( it's a 2 min drive so that means that he's not finished his 'bath' yet) and the car is still there with the passenger sat reading a paper.
So, 10 minutes later I see H approaching the pick up point but there's no space as it only has three spaces and two have taxi's in picking up people and the one car with the car in it. H decides that he can't be arsed to wait for anyone to move so goes to the far side of the car park and parks up.... and then sits there waiting for me to come to him (yes, I know but that's a whole different thread!!). At this point there is still no sign of the missing driver of the other car and a reddish mist descends..... I marched up to the car and stuck my head through the drivers side window and shouted at the passenger "what the fuck is your friend doing in there it's been 25 minutes! This is a pick up point. It is not the I'll just park my car here and nip in to get some beer and 20 fags and have a look at the kung fu dvd's while I'm at it as I fancy something stupid to watch while eating my take away this evening point! It's not even the I'll just nip to the cash machine point. IT IS THE PICK UP POINT FOR OLD PEOPLE, THE DISABLED AND FOR MOTHERS WITH BABIES WHO CAN'T WALK ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE CAR PARK. I CAN'T BE PICKED UP IN THE PICK UP POINT BECAUSE SOME SELFISH GIT WHO CAN'T BE ARSED TO PARK IN A PROPER SPACE HAS PARKED HERE WHEN THEY SHOULDN'T!" The poor lad was so shocked that the Mars bar that he was eating fell out of his mouth and landed on his crotch. I said " Oh no, now you have to go home to mummy and get her to get that nasty chocolate stain out of your zipper but she she can do that at the same time as she's getting the shit stains out of your pants!" I then flounce off in the direction of H's car, driven purely by rage, pushing my very heavy trolley very fast. There may have been some clapping from bystanders.

I have never lost it like that ever again. I wasn't even really angry at the car. I was angry at my 'D'H. I sometimes wonder what that lad said to his mate when he eventually returned as he was as white as a sheet .....feel a tad guilty still.

@Namechangeymcnamechange11 ok I admit, I may have whacked him in the chest a few times!! I was SO angry and absolutely terrified. This was 18 months ago and I still hate overtaking on a dual carriageway or motorway :(

Hoppinggreen I get where you are coming from. My DC have said the same about me. They called me "Scary mummy" when they were younger after seeing me deal with a rude doorstepper, and even now at 19 and 15 say they never want to see scary mummy again.

I dont shout or scream simply because I can't, my voice packs in if I try.

I drive a horse lorry and I was on the way back from a competition one afternoon with a fully loaded lorry, on my own after a spectacularly bad day.

The stables is just outside a village, and to get the you turn left off the main road into a small country lane with houses on one side and a primary school on the other.

It was school pick up time so all the cars park opposite the school, so if you’re an oncoming car your side of the road is blocked by parked cars. Being pick up time, I’d stopped and literally crawled round the corner, my side of the road was clear so I carried on in my massive black lorry that you can’t miss only for some STUPID woman in her STUPID posh 4x4 to pull straight out from the line of parked cars and drive at me.
I stopped and looked and her AND SHE FUCKING SHOO’D AT ME TO REVERSE. She wanted me to reverse back down the road, passed the primary school and back onto the main road!!

I don’t remember what I shouted but it was something about where had she learnt to drive and who gave her a licence, I then turned my ignition off and crossed my arms across my chest in defiance bringing the village school run to a halt as we had totally blocked the road🙈 She eventually pulled back in the parking space and I stuck my fingers up at her as I drove past 🙈

Oh, I meant to mention that the doorstepper got it because it was 10pm, we had been home 5 mins from holiday and dealing with mega tired dc, and he was rude as fuck when I declined to sign up for a direct debit.

He even threw in that old cliché about not caring for whatever the charity was to try and make me feel guilty. Not had any doorsteppers since......

There is a man in our local park with two out of control dogs, one of which regularly gets into a scrap with my dog.

I've fishwifed at him several times. I've called him several completely inappropriate names at various decibels. Still he refuses to put his dog on a lead.

Then one day I was walking my dog with a friend and this man's dog attacked mine. My friend threatened to snap the dog's neck (he never ever would) to which I suggested that my friend should perhaps consider snapping the bloke's neck instead. My friend then said we knew where he lived and he should sleep with one eye open
It went from fishwife to Goodfellas pretty fucking quickly. Thankfully I haven't seen the guy for ages.

I got a cab from Euston to London Bridge whilst heavily pregnant, with my toddler in a buggy, changing bag and suitcase on wheels. I was tired and achey and this miserable arsed blackcab driver didn't even get out to open the door for me, never mind help me with anything. Anyway, he muttered and cursed about the traffic the whole journey and again didn't try and help me. When I went to pay him, the cheeky fucker told me that it was customery to tip. I just lost it, and screeched at him that it was customery to help people with their bags and that the only tip I was going to give him was that he was in the wrong line of work. I may have also slammed the door and called him a cunt

I know this thread is lighthearted (and pretty funny) but I do think it’s very important that we show our children, and especially girls that it’s ok to be assertive and not be pushed out of the way (metaphorically speaking) by people, who to be honest tend to be men.
The looks of absolute shock and outrage I’ve faced when I have firmly but quietly challenged men who were behaving like arseholes never ceases to amaze me, especially since I’m a Mc middle aged woman who doesn’t necessarily look like I would cause an issue. BUT I have been in situations where I’ve thought that the man involved probably wouldn’t treat another man like that so I don’t let them treat me like that either.
My DD thinks I’m awesome when I refuse to be bullied, at the time she’s mortified ( she’s a teen so it’s her natural state) but she does say that she wishes she was as “brave” as me.
Anyway, as you were I’ll go back to the Feminism board now!!

I had one last week. Pouring rain on the school run so rather than cross up the road went to the crossing with dc4(4) & dc5(almost 2). Pressed the button, it changed, I checked the road & all was clear so started crossing white van man suddenly screeches to a halt as we get to the opposite side, very very close to the buggy (green man still showing). I shouted at him (without swearing but really screeching & shaken up) & he called me a bunch of names back & “didn’t I know he was in a hurry” so then I told him to fuck off as he was lucky he hadn’t taken the buggy out. I do have a couple more but that’s the most recent

Ps. On the off chance the lovely lady in the car behind is a mnetter. Thank you so much for checking we were all ok & offering to park up & walk back to the house with us

Not my best but most recent, last week... walking up the high street which is being pedestrianised so roadworks and very narrow, I’m holding a crying baby whilst DH is pushing DS in the pram just in front of me. Idiot Deliveroo man on a bike squeezes between me and the shop window to my right, then again squeezes past DH, nearly knocking into both of us.

I say “watch it!”, fairly calmly but with a bit of an eyeroll tone (if that makes sense?)

Idiot snaps “I am watching it!”

“I’VE GOT A FUCKING BABY IN MY ARMS YOU NOBHEAD’”

He just cycled off. I then snapped at the rude people coming the other way who didn’t say thanks when DH & I stopped to let them go through the narrow gap first. Takes me a while to calm down when I get riled

A man spat inside a bakery right in front of me in the queue and the words were coming out of my mouth before I realised. I said to him "you dirty bastard, that is absolutely disgusting. It's bad enough outside on the street but in a bakery?!" Then I proceeded to loudly point out to everyone who came in "watch that down there, that man has just spat on the floor and I wouldn't want you to stand in it"

@ems137 I have a bit of a habit of telling spitters off. It's vile.

I was checking a letter that a colleague had written. It was from someone at a local council. Unfortunately, the person who had written it had died, but the council still needed the info so we had to write back.

She started the letter "Dear Dead Council Person."

I asked - fairly loudly - if she was taking the fucking piss.

I did apologise after but the fishwife got in first.

I had a fishwife moment this morning. The parking wardens are notorious in our town and you guessed it....I was five minutes late. The ticket stated that he's watched my car from the time of expiring for 2 minutes. I saw him and shouted, then I cried. Twat.

Last week I was on the elevator at a children's hospital with my son in his wheelchair and the door opened at our floor and as I started to roll him out an RN from the back elbowed and shoved her way past us mumbling an insincere apology so I said loudly "God forbid you should wait ten seconds for the child in the wheelchair to get off the elevator since you're obviously so much more important than your patients!!!"

I went into a Vodafone shop to try and sort something out/complain after getting no sense out of anyone over the phone, or on their online chat. Went to the counter with DS (about 5yrs old) patiently waiting beside me, there were 3 members of staff all doing something so I just stood there and waited. After about 15 minutes of being ignored completely a man walks into the shop, and is immediately greeted by one of these 3 members of staff.

I shouted across the shop that I was next, and had been standing right in front of them being ignored for ages! She looked at the man, smirked and said sorry (to him) and could she help me. I screamed 'forget it' and stormed out. I then went home where I complained on twitter, Facebook and left a scathing review for their shop. I phoned Vodafone (again) and told them to cancel my contract immediately, and that they had the worst customer service I had ever received. I had been with them 10 years, useless bastards, and they still tried to charge me for an extra month! 😡

Crossed the road behind a white van when the numpty driving it decides to reverse

To clarify - the white van was at a junction and the pedestrian path with dropped kerb is set back from the junction so you have to cross behind any vehicle waiting to turn.
I know van drivers can't see well to reverse, all the more reason not to randomly reverse in a situation where you wouldn't expect someone to.
In a car park is a bit different, you expect vehicles to be doing reversing manouvres. This idiot deserved to be yelled at.

In London most bus lanes are closed for traffic except buses, bikes and taxis but many open for all traffic between 10 am and 4 pm. Most people don't realise this and as a London resident one of my biggest joys is whizzing up the bus lane passing a huge line of traffic. It really does piss people usually men off though. A few years ago I did it and someone caught up with me and wound down their window to scream "you're in the bus lane you stupid slag". I don't know where it came from but I shrieked back "the bus lane is open you idiot and me? A slag? Ha! Look at the state of you, I bet you haven't even got a wife or girlfriend have you? You ugly bastard!" And just as I said it the roundabout opened and I accelerated across leaving him stuck there purple faced and mouthing with fury. It was perfectly timed and still makes me smirk when I think about it.

@CarolDanvers I love it!! That's the sort of thing that I would say!