The 'perfect boy' has been naughty

[GenerationPolaroid]

Genuinely would like some opinions please.

My 15 YO DS is a genuinely lovely person who has given me no trouble whatsoever, ever. I mean we have the usual discussions about screen time, chores, etc, but on the whole, he really has been a dream. He gets top marks on every subject and I never have to ask him to revise, and plays three instruments to a high level. He does not do sports and has never really had many friends, but that seems to be starting to change now which we are delighted to see.

Today I got a message from his school attendance officer letting me know that DS had signed out at 2:30 for his medical appointment. DS did not have an appointment, he lied to school so he could meet with friends in the park.

We have removed his phone, he's been really tearful and remorseful, now I feel really torn. On the one hand he needs to know that boundaries apply, on the other I want to cut him some slack.

Please offer me some advice.

My DH, the most laid back person on earth, went nuclear on DS. Once I got home, DS went to pieces about having to face me.

Yeah this is a majorly over the top reaction. No wonder he feels so much pressure to be ‘perfect’ and has never put a foot wrong before. You need to cut him a bit of slack. Actually, a lot of slack.

And GreenTulips you need to unclench

A whole week without a phone is way too harsh, I agree.

Three days without phone?
Seriously this so go against my nature, I actually want to forget the whole thing.

I hope he doesn't fall into a bad crowd if he is used to not having friends and is a bit desperate. Good luck OP.

“I actually want to forget the whole thing.”

Do that. And say the things you’ve said on here to him. About how he is so good and that you don’t expect him to be perfect.

Teenagers are impulsive. 'don't do it again but it's ok if you want to hang out with friends, just do it after school'. I don't think you need to punish but a small phone ban might be appropriate. And a chat about peer pressure.

I have. We have spoken about how we don't expect him to always get As and behave like a perfect boy, that he's as entitled as the rest of us to make mistakes in the knowledge that no one will think any less of him. I think we will return his phone tomorrow morning and then just keep an eye on things.

Green honestly I've come here to get some balanced views and work out how I should approach this situation, but I feel you have a really negative view of teenagers.

His Dad went to get him?

Poor boy.

Being a laughing stock because your Dad came to take you away is way worse than losing his phone.

Look, you need to look at how his life is and how he can make more friends. And live a normal teen life.

I really hope his friendships with the girls have not now been blown out of the water.

DH warned DS that he was on his way to get him so DS had a chance to make his excuses and he met with mt DH away from the park. Nothing happened in front of his friends.

I was similarly "good" and did the same one-off skiving, AND got caught of course.

I learnt my lesson from getting caught, and my parents reaction.

I'd leave it at that. Bless him, probably keen to make friends and its backfired a bit.

OP you and your Dh have handled this perfectly imo.

He knows he’s done wrong.
You’ve spoken to him about it.
He’s been punished
He’s shown he’s sorry.

It’s time now to just get on with life and for him to know his behaviour is forgiven. (though not forgotten.)

Thank you again everyone.
I have found this article and I though Green might like to read it:
ie-today.co.uk/Blog/how-does-harsh-discipline-affect-a-teens-brain/

Hi OP, I think he's been punished enough, frankly. The natural consequence was his DF being very angry with him, and his DM being upset and worried. I'd let it go now.

But I would have some conversations about pressure, stress and high achievers. And some about trust and safety.

If he doesn't have many friends, and he does this at the first sign of having friends, I'd also be a bit wary of how anxious he is to fit in with groups as an older teen or young adult. Though getting caught on his first attempt is a good lesson, and it sounds quite innocent. I remember going to sit on swings and chat at that age.

I was also quite a perfect kid but that meant my parents didn't really suspect anything so my friends and I often said we were staying in each other's houses and went to parties where the parents were away. But I was afraid to ask my parents if I could go, as they'd say no...

Yep. Draw a line under it now. Phone back. All forgiven.

But do find a way of finding out whether he really wants to be playing 3 instruments- it must be very hard to find time for anything else. And stop tracking him.

I think he has been punished enough. He got caught out the first time.

He didn't skive to go do some drugs! He went to the park with some girls.

Yup, he'll get phone back in the morning.
He has been given plenty of chances to give up his instruments; I am 100% certain that this is entirely his choice and he feels no pressure whatsoever from anyone to continue. In all honestly attending music school (he started nearly 3 years ago) on Saturdays has been a life line for him socially and for his confidence. It can be extremely hard for boys when they're not particularly good at any sports.

He sounds like a really good kid, I have one similar who is 16.

He made a mistake and sounds like he regrets it. I’d do the same as you, have a talk and give him the phone back

I don’t know why a pp is going on about fucking the old people’s home today, presumably playing music for them is his own choice

OP that article should be required reading for all parents and teachers. I often read stuff about disciplining teenagers on here that makes me gape in disbelief. Throwing away all their possessions seems a disturbingly frequent suggestion. Like that's totally going to repair fractured relations and miraculously make them suddenly well-behaved - as opposed to scared, unloved and desperate to get away from home asap and by any means necessary. Some people seem to parent with zero awareness of what goes on in their children's brains.

Frogsoup, I agree

Just depressed myself by reading all the support for a parent on here, who smashed their DS' phone in a fit of anger. Most messages are supportive of this parenting style

This has all been very severe for a very light offence. He's made an impulsive judgement that he wouldn't be missing out on anything important at school (you mentioned a movie?) and he'd clearly rather be outside with his friends in the sunshine while they're all still together before they go their separate ways before long. He probably thought it would do no harm. What would you have said if he'd asked you if he could miss the movie instead?